Made a right hash of feeding my children - is it too late to turn things around?

[Dancergirl]

I've posted on here before about my fussy eaters. Mainly my 8 year old dd who eats a v limited diet and has a problem with textures and wet food.

I've tried v hard over the years not to pander to her too much but it seems like I have done because she is worse than ever. When I had dd3 I was determined to get it right and for a while she was a good eater but is now copying her fussy sister. Dd1 (nearly 10) is a bit better and more receptive now to trying new things which is good.

So at the moment I am usually still cooking for them separately at 5 and then another meal for me and dh to eat later. A lot of work I know and I've also made the mistake of giving them convenience foods (eg fish fingers). Not every day but maybe once a week. I love food and cooking and do try and cook with fresh ingredients as often as possible, even if it means a v plain meal for the girls (eg plain chicken breast or salmon fillet).

Sometimes I try the one meal for all eg spag bol which they'll eat the spag and pick at the bol. Tonight I made sausage and mash for everyone...I have to say it was liberating making one meal and just serving it up. Dd1 surprised me by eating the mash and dd3 tried a tiny bit of the mash but better than nothing. Dd2 (the fussy one) refused to even try the mash (she doesn't eat any potato in any shape or form).

I feel really guilty about the whole eating thing and how I've got it so wrong. So can I turn things around, is it too late? (dds are nearly 10, 8 and 4).

Shall I just make one meal for all every day and you either eat it or you don't? I just don't know the rules. Do you make each child try some of everything on their plate? Do you always make them eat some veg or just encourage?

As you can see I'm struggling with this. Probably because I lacked a good role model as a child. My own mother made countless different meals for me if I didn't like the food and let me eat chocolate biscuits for breakfast.

I would certainly start making one meal if it is practicable. (I don't because DH doesn't get home till after I mostly need to feed the children, which may be yr case too I guess).

I don't have fussy eaters, but I have always offered them anything new again and again until they eat it. I recall none would eat leeks at one point and now they don't hesitate. Rule in my house is that if there is any kind of pudding (maybe a biscuit or cake) you only get it if you ate all yr dinner.

I don't make mine finish if they don't want to tho, but do make it clear there's nothign else. If you keep DC active and busy they may well soon get hungry enough to eat what you offer.

i sometimes have to make different meals for the dc than me and dh, i always offer what we are having but also have an alternative choice.

So if we are having chilli con carne and they wont eat it i will give cous cous with cheese and beans or something quick.

Maybe you could try putting a nice pudding in the middle of the table to tempt them and they have to eat one of the two choices or they dont get any?

Or use your eldest as a secret agent for you...create a game whereby she has to encourage the others to eat and gets rewards for doing so...have a secret agent diary and create code names etc? That way its something fun and the others will copy eventually.

I would firstly say this is not your fault- some children are fussy eaters, some grow out of it and some don't. My bil was a fussy eater as a child and my neice and nephew were the same. Dnephew grew out of it by 7 and dneice is geting better at 5.
Same with pil - my fil was and is a fussy eater and my sil is the same although my dh is not. They were all fed the same. Don't beat yourself up about it.
My sister was told not to make a big deal of meals - produce the food see if dneice eats it. My sister found that dneice was using her fussiness as a form of attention seeking almost and when they stopped interacting and asking her what she wanted constantly she improved greatly.
The doctor then said if all she will eat is cheese sandwiches then it won't do her any harm- look at what sort of diet she has over a year not over a day or a week.
I don't see anything wrong with fishfingers- they are your friends.

As a child I was a very fussy eater, but my mum would put dinner on the table and if I didn't eat it, there was no alternative. I was a very slim child, but I never starved. Now I eat just about anything and am unfussy in the extreme! Sometimes you have to be a bit tough - can you imagine years of making multiple meals every night? Sometimes children don't really know what they like because they just stick to the same small repertoire and then things get difficult to change later on. It's not your fault, every child is different and it can be hard keeping them all happy. Don't make food a big issue, just cook it, present it and leave 'em to it - they will gradually work it out.

Dh/I cook one main meal and whoever is not around for that (sometimes dh, sometimes me) gets the same meal reheated. Saves a lot of trouble. But ds is still a fusspot and prefers convenience food.

I don't have older children so I'm not talking from experience (DD is nearly 3). But I would serve one meal, & if they don't want it they can eat a piece of bread or some fruit. They are old enough to understand the rules, surely?

What is stopping you from following the advice given in your last thread? Are you afraid that they will become malnourished? That they will complain? What is it?

I only ever cook one meal for all of us. If any of the dc go through a fussy phase I ban get quite tough about in between snacks (mine are all real grazers if left unchecked) - if they are hungry by dinner time, then they are more likely to try stuff. Oh, and there's nowt wrong with fishfingers once in a while

I was in the same boat as you...3DSs (age 3,5 and 7) all of whom had their own little foibles regarding food they would and wouldn't eat.

I, too, cooked for the DSs and then for DH and me later on.

The night I spent from 4 till 9 in the kitchen, and realised I'd made about 5 different meals, and had had no end of abuse for my sins, was the night I flipped.

From that point on, I made ONE meal (unless I really want to make something special for DDH and me, like tuna steak, which is too expensive for all 5 of us.). The only exception to this is for pasta, which I know DS2 hates, so I will do him some cous cous to have with whatever sauce is going on the pasta (but if it's a bake, like lasagne or macaroni cheese, he has to bear it.).

If I want to, I'll eat with the DSs and keep DH's tea warm (he ususlly eats it out of the pan in that case-it reminds him of his student days! ). Or else I'll make something that reheats well and I'll eat with him. It turns out DH isn't that bothered about eating with me-he's so hungry when he gets home he just wants the food.

Once the food is on the table, the DSs need to eat all on their plate or no pud. If they choose not to eat, that's ok, but they have to leave the table if they complain too much about the food (saying they're not keen on mushrooms is ok, but screaming 'You KNOW I Hate mushrooms!' will get them an early bath!)

It has taken a few months, but they're all getting it now. Even little picky DS2 (5). I have had to stick to my guns, though.

My ds otoh has not got the message in 10 years. I'm still persevering though. If he wants to be stick thin, it's his problem.

amistillsexy - thank you, that's really helpful. How strict are you about eating ALL the food? For example, would it be ok if one of your children has eaten most of it but says they're full? Would they then not get pudding? What do you for puddings? Tends just to be fruit here, sometimes ice cream too.

What is stopping you from following the advice given in your last thread? Are you afraid that they will become malnourished? That they will complain? What is it?

I suppose because I want to instill good eating habits in the long term with no hang-ups. I don't want to turn my children off certain foods and for them to have memories long into adulthood of being forced to eat food they hate. I really believe eating should be fun and enjoyable but I've played too safe with giving them what I know they like.

your ten and eight year olds are old enough to sit down with you and DH and plan a week or fortnight's menu. set some rules such as all meals have to have protein, carbs and vegetables, there has to be variety, etc.

once it's down on paper, agreed, then you can get tough with them when you serve it up.

we do this with our brownies and guides for camp for example, they're all allowed to reject three or four things they really hate, but generally they need to learn to compromise and that they each get their favourite once but not every night.

OK that makes sense, but there is a big difference between forcing children to eat food they hate, and presenting them with food that is beyond their comfort zone. You don't need to insist they eat it - or even try it - you just need to put it in front of them and not offer an alternative. It is not instilling good eating habits to let them eat a limited range of food, and to cook different meals to accommodate everyone's personal preferences. You need to make a start on this - no excuses!

Just make it, put it in front of them and then DON'T COMMENT. As long as they know that that is IT, they can make up their mind what to do with it. You need to calm your own anxieties about what they eat and not fuss (in front of them). Take the plates away at the end of the meal WITHOUT COMMENT. It doesn't matter whether they ate it or not. They will not starve because you will make sure there are things in the meal that they can eat, and there will be fruit and toast available after a decent interval.

You do sound incredibly anxious about this. I understand what it is like to have a fussy eater - DS2 is very fussy about textures etc - but pandering is no good for them, and the last thing a fussy eater needs is someone being nervy around meals.

Thanks ProvincialLady, I really appreciate your input.

I have a question though: what you're suggesting is less harsh than others have suggested - you give them the option to eat it or not and there is fruit and toast available later. Problem with that is, dd2 will NOT eat anything that's out of her comfort zone, she really would rather go hungry. And if she knows there's the option of toast later on she certainly won't try anything new.

I'm wondering if I need to take a more hard-line approach - they HAVE to try everything on their plate or no pudding and certainly no other food at all....?

If you have a child who is that fussy, you are going to make some BIG battles at mealtimes insisting that she tries everything on her plate. If you think that she will save herself for toast afterwards then you are probably right not to offer it, but I always take the view that we are all responsible for what goes into our own mouths - so rewards for trying something new, maybe yes, but no insistence.

If you have never tried this approach before then it will probably take at least a couple of weeks, maybe longer, before the moaning will die down and they just get on with it. But you do need to be consistent and also make sure that there are boundaries around snacks (eg that they are healthy ones, and not too close to mealtimes or too many).

If you are worried, you could weigh your DC and then try the new approach for a fortnight and weigh them again to see if they have lost weight. If they do then maybe you could rethink. But I bet they don't starve, even the fussy one. How many meals has she chosen to leave rather than eat? How many times have you put it to the test without caving? Not many, I would bet!

There's some useful information on picky eating here the most useful being a study in 2003 that showed if you give a picky eater a tiny taste of a new food every day for 2 weeks it's very likely that they'll start to like it. You could start a reward system where you give them a dinner they like but also give them one tiny bit of a food they don't like. If they eat the food they don't like they get a sticker or a dessert, or some small reward. Because it's such a tiny bit of food (literally one piece of cucumber or one spoon of stew) it's easy for the child and doesn't lead to big issues with food. After the two weeks start slipping the new food into their usual food. Chances are it'll get eaten and eventually the kids will forget it was one of their "hated" foods.

I've tried to reply about three times but keep eneding up sounded pompous!

What we do is:

Everyone must try everything. Just one mouthful. Including me and DH. Some woman at a toddler group once made a very bitchy comment about that but I really think you need to model the behaviour you are expecting! (you see, I sound like a twat but I promise I wasn't going on, she asked)

Never say 'DS hates '. We seem to have got into a habit of saying 'not too keen on' instead. And teach them that likes and dislikes change.

A meal will consist of at least one thing that everyone likes eg chilli and rice - if they don't like the chilli they can eat the rice, as long as they try the chilli.

We never have pudding other then fruit and yoghurt/custard/rice pudding (very rarely cake type things). I never make them eat everything to get pudding but if I can see they're taking the piss I might be a bit firmer about it.

Watch for snacks - mine are grazers too. They all went through a bread/crisps/yoghurt phase as toddlers but I just cried about it late at night tried to ignore it.

I have a slightly fussy eater and one that used to be fussy but is getting better. What I have done is to cook separately for them during the week pandering to whatever foibles are current mainly because this means meal times are quicker (we have lots of after school things etc so every minute counts) and also it would not really be practical to eat together in the week as my DH doesn't get home till at least 8pm and I feel it is important for the grown ups to eat together and communicate for the sake of OUR relationship!

HOWEVER - at weekends it is one meal for all, no questions asked, lke it or lump it. This has varying success but the successes mean that the repertoire is widening slowly but surely and I know they will not starve if they reject what is on offer.

It also helps that they both get a good hot meal at school every day and I pick up on what they have enjoyed and replicate at home. This has helped my younger fussier child no end!

Thank you for all your replies, really helpful.

An update: over the past 2 days, both dds 2 and 3 have tried a bit of carrot and a bit of potato! BUT I've had to insist they try it rather than give them a choice. No pudding/ice cream till you try it. Dd2 especially kicked up a fuss of course but it's wasn't THAT hard to get her to try it.

Yesterday I made stir fried beef with noodles - one meal for all. Dd2 wasn't too keen on the beef but she tried it and ate the noodles. The others ate it without too much complaint!

Well done, Dancergirl. Now stand firm - I predict they will rebel again periodically but it will be half arsed! And by the time they have tried things a few times they will end up liking them. I now like cucumber and raw carrot - I learned to like them over the last year.

I only have a 19month old, so can't really advise. However until my sister was about 14 she was very fussy. At one point she would only eat boiled potatoes and spagetti hoops.

She now is a well rounded eater, so some do grow out of it.

Great, well done all of you!

There are some really interesting posts here. My dd ate everything as a baby yet gets more fussy by the year. I am working hard on family meals