SAHM needs perspective please

[naturelover]

I'm a SAHM to 2 young DCs, DH works long hours + regular travel. Not financially viable for me to work.

I keep asking for "time off" at the weekends, ie an afternoon once a month, to go for a browse around the shops, see a friend, that kind of thing. Am no longer breastfeeding so it's actually feasible. DH always points out that he doesn't get any time off either, he's either working long hours (and says he feels guilty - ie I make him feel guilty - about the long hours) or he's at home (and when he's here he is a great dad, v involved).

He's just been on a work trip for 6 days, I'm bloody exhausted, asked for a couple of hours off to go shopping, and it ended in the usual row about him not having time off either. There is no one who can take the kids to give us both a break.

I crave a couple of child-free hours when I'm not constantly thinking of the kids (nappies, naps, meals, snacks, bedtime...). I feel that some regular breaks would really enhance my enjoyment of the children. As it is, I regularly lose my temper by bedtime (which I usually do solo 5 days a week but which I have done the last 12 days in a row).

WWYD?

I would tell him you are going out.

Get up, get yourself ready, tell him the kids are fed and changed and will be back at x time.

You're asking for one morning/afternoon a month, not a whole week.

Sorry, but if he's doing 6day weeks, he's still getting one full day to himself every week while you are getting nothing. Point this out to him.

My dp works very long hours and away from home 12 days out of 14. He still respects that I need a break too so on the weekends he is home he has one day off where I do everything still and one day where he will get up, give me a lie in, do the housework, sort the boys out, cook dinner etc etc.

I know what you mean 4FoxAche, but he (rightly) points out that he doesn't get a day off from work AND the children.

But I desperately crave some time to just be me and not be constantly looking after the kids, house and DH. I've lost my identity.

I like the sound of your system though.

What does he do when he is not working then?

Cjheeky fucker.

My dh works away from home for weeks on end.
When he gets here, I drop everything and either go out or relax.
I work f/t and have small kids.

He has never indicated he finds this tedious. On the contrary, he urges me to take a break and takes over the reins completely sas well as relishing the opportunity to be with his children.

How old are your kids?

Can you not negotiate that once a fortnight you get a morning/afternoon to be you when he looks after the children and he gets one to be him? Yes, working is intense but you get a lunch break, time in the evenings on business trips, conversations which are essentially social interaction etc all packaged in. Life constantly with children is just relentless.

Or perhaps find a local, reliable babysitter so you can outsource a few hours childcare?

Well to be fair he does get a relative break - I bet he has coffee / lunch breaks in work, drives to work without any twittering on for him ... as for work trips well they are luxury time!

I say this as someone who works FT with 3 DC's. Yes I might be in meetings all day but it is a break from small people and I get to drink coffee. And hear myself think. My days at home are far harder.

One option is for you to do tasks that need doing but away from the DC's - or he has one morning off, you the other. Or an evening in a coffee shop / friends house when the kids are in bed

What peppapig has said.

He doesn't work all day when he's at work. He has a cuppa. A chat with a co-worker. A lunch break.

You get none of those.

Hand the kids over and walk out the door.

Well, I agree he may be working long hours BUT he has the option of a shit in peace (well, let's be honest...) and can pop out for a walk of an evening when he's away, or go to a gym etc., and I expect his work trips are uncluttered by laundry/washing up/cooking etc.

you are both working hard, in short

how old are the dcs? would a couple of sessions a week at a childminder or nursery be out of the question?

Don't ask just tell him (you are not 12yrs old and he is your DH, not your dad) you are going out for a couple of hours.

If he loves you he would want you to be happy, TBH it sounds like he wants you to be tired and miserable.

DCs are 3.5 and 1.5. Eldest has 15 hours at nursery, which does help to keep me sane.

When he is not working he is at home and doing stuff with the kids. Though somehow I am the one managing it all ie planning and cooking meals, anticipating kids' needs, making sure their routine is stuck to re naps etc.

Thanks for your responses. I didn't know if wanting time "off" was even reasonable given that he also has no hobby or "me" time.

TheCrackFox, in fact I have just come out of a long period of PND when I was indeed "tired and miserable" (youngest DC v demanding and not a good sleeper).

I don't say I want "time off", I say I need "child-free time". It's a subtle difference but one DH can't argue with! Sometimes that might be going out to lunch with a friend, but it could also just be DH taking the DCs to the park while I clean the house without the DCs around.

Also, I'm assuming that your DH helps around the house and with the childcare when he is at home, rather than just sitting around being waited on. Right?

any chance that the youngest could have one session at nursery when the eldest is there? not that DH shouldn't be happily granting the OP's request, but one morning or afternoon a week completely to yourself without feeling beholden to a grumpy partner is utter nirvana.

are you able to take then to nursery or a childminder for a couple of sessions a week - you could then have a bit of 'me' time - even have 1/2 a day working in a charity shop for a change of scenery and to keep your hand in at 'work'

IMO a 6 day work trip is a lot easier than 6 days as a SAHM with no support.

My OH was away for 12 days recently on an overseas work trip, he got to have a relative lie in, got taken out for swanky meals or could crash with room service and a movie.
Compared with me juggling two dc's and a part time job he had it sooo easy!
When he got back I made sure I took the time to go out on my own, go for a run ect.

Also he should WANT to have some daddy time alone with the dc's if he has been away from them. It shouldnt be looked as doing you a favour!

I read somewhere everyone needs time each week like amorning to themselves for mental wellbeing...could you tell him your health visitor or gp said that and so it needed to be sorted out whether with nursery or him eg at weekends..

An afternoon off once a month is not unreasonable at all. Couldn't you take it in turns to give each other a lie-in (you get Sat, he gets Sun) and then take it in turns to have Saturday afternoon "off" - so you would both get an afternoon every couple of weeks.

I agree with those who have said that a work trip is a walk in the park compared to 24/7 care of small children.

IMO you should not have to cook all the meals at the weekends either, and he should take some responsibility for nappies, snacks etc. when you are both looking after the kids too.

Hmm, i could start a rant about equal parenting but to be honest thats not going to help you.

why don't you offer to take the kids out for a couple of hours on a sunday so your DH gets some time to himself, and in exchange he can take them on a saturday so you can have a couple of hours break. That way you both win.

Alternatively to avoid another argument with DH you could just find a local babysitter, there are loads online, Gumtree and childcare.co.uk allow you to advertise and also have adverts for local people. Babysitters are often quite cheap and you might even get someone who could give you a regular break so you and your Dh could go out together.

Have you got any friends with kids that you could do a kid exchange with - they could take them one weekend for a couple of hours and you could return the favour the next weekend.

It is very hard.

I used to be a sahm and found it very tough being "on" all the time. As the one at home, you are the one who gets up when the kids wake in the night but you still have to get up the next day and do the school run etc. Sometimes you can't even have a poo in peace!! On the other hand, now I am the main earner, I can see the other side that it is equally hard bearing the responsibility of making enough to keep everyone fed and sheltered. Now I have to contend with the dilemma of working late to achieve more and get a bonus so we can have nice things or going home and acually seeing the family I am working so hard for before they are all in bed. The guilt is constant and the pressure unending.

Arguing about who has it hardest won't help you - it sounds like you are both exhausted and need a break.

Things that keep me sane are:

1/. Have your "me time" in the evening. Take turns to go out with friends for a drink and/or coffee when DC's are in bed. That way, you get the break you need and deserve and DH gets a night in control of the TV or whatever. You can then swap another night so he goes out and you have some downtime at home.

2/. Get a baysitter. We have an unofficial babysitting circle with friends but if this isn't an option use find a sitter or ask grandparents. It means we have couple time which is essential. Also, think of the less obvious - eg, I find my parents get tired sitting in the evening but are more than happy for me to drop DC's at theirs on a sat pm for a couple of hours so I can hit the shops.

3/. Meet up with friends. If I take DC's swimming/shopping/picnicin.....etc alone in the day it can be a stressfest, but if I go in a group it is much better. Having picnic with a group means there are more adults keeping an eye out and I actually get to finish a cuppa sometimes......amazing!!

4/. Do things that engage the DC's. I will odten stick my youngest in the baby trailer on the back of my bike (or DH's). the 2 of us can then cycle and chat while they generally sleep. It is a way to keep active and catch up, while not having to leave them with others or be keeping an eye on them all the time.

Hope some of this helps.

PS: It is also fine to have an afternoon "off" - why not agree this once a month each, so one Sat (or sun) you have the afternoon, the next week is family time, the following week he has a sat off and the following is family time again......

The last work conference I went to was bliss. All I did in reality was catch 3 hour train, traipse across London, book into hotel, present and debate, sleep, present and debate, catch train back again.

But wow....at 6pm I was sitting on my bed eating a krispy kreme donut (without sharing) watching tv in peace. Just wow

I then woke up all by my self . This was at 7am. 7am!!! That was a huge lie in. And no small people shouting / crying / pulling duvey off me.

The first words spoken to me were 'good morning, sleep well' rather than 'mummmmy....I just got a little bit of poo on my bedroom floor'

or duvet even...

No I don't think you are expecting too much, its not as if you are asking for the whole weekend off or that you want to take time off every weekend - you do need a break now and again! I find his response a bit much tbh. He may be working long hours, but then on the weekend does he not find seeing the children something to look forward to? it should be less of a "chore" because its something he has missed out on for the rest of the week (or more if travelling for work) for sahm it is the same thing every day of the week so its more that you don't get a break from doing the same things whether weekday or weekend, whereas yes he is working but childcare on a weekend for him is atleast a bit of change of scene..
I agree with the suggestion dont say time off, phrase it that you need a little bit of childfree time. that way he can not come back with his classic response of "I don't get any either" because actually yes he does.
Also suggest to him that he does make some time for a bit of time off for himself too, that way he wont have to be so resentful and preventing of you having any time for yourself.

can you have a couple of hours off and he can have a couple of hours off too.

I would book the kids in somewhere for a few hours during the week, to give you me time.

And I would do a wee rota for you and DH, so that one weekend a month you EACH get an entirely free day/afternoon etc.

TBH though you DH does get free time, ie every evening when away from home and not working!

A shift system at the weekends works brilliantly for me and my DP. DP gets up with DS on Saturday morning and looks after him until he goes down for a nap around midday. I get the morning to sleep in / read / shop / go for a run / whatever. And we switch on Sunday mornings.

Of course you need some time off!

I'm a SAHM and DH works long hours with ludicrous commute. It's so easy to get drawn into a tired competition. It's two such different lives in a way it's hard not to see all the +ves of the other persons life. IME what makes being a SAHM so hard is that it is so relentless. You do need a break.

We take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekend so we both get a chance to rest. Even if I'm not sleeping I take that time to stay in bed and read or use the laptop to come online. Just some time for some uninterrupted P&Q. DH does much the same. Either of us might go for a nap later as well if we're feeling very tired but that only works because we only do it if we feel it is really necessary.

So, I think it is fine to ask for some time out, but perhaps you need to build in some time out for him too. I think you'd both benefit.