Do you have 3, youngest 2 or over, can you help us decide....

[quickchat]

Yet another thread has been started by one of us mums with 2 who are struggling to decide on another. I have done quite a few myself.

One point I brought up within this thread was - I wonder what it's like when they are older?

We know what it's like having little ones with all the cute stuff they bring and make it so hard to let go of.

What we don't know what it's like having 3 older children at school.

I was sitting with DH having our morning coffee watching my nearly 4 yr old DS and 15 month old DD playing. DD toddling about in her babygrow and DS was on form with his funny little stories. It was lovely (it isn't always) and I feel torn about having another.

What was your morning like and what is a typical day with your older brood?

Do you enjoy them as much as you did, if you did, when they were smaller?

I know you'll no doubt not be able to imagine life without your third, but do you recommend 3?

Just would be nice to have a little view into life with a slightly older family as it isn't all babygrows and toothy grins for long!

Agree with moosemama. The age gap before Dc3 was the thing that allowed me to enjoy it so much. I have no family support locally and a DH who works long hours and travels a lot. The pay off for DC3 constantly being hawked from pillar to post on school runs and after school activities was my undivided attention during the school day.

Lovely to see balanced arguments for and against. Having DC3 meant giving up a rewarding career but I have not a single regret about that. If we had decided to stop at 2 then I could have continued working and that would have been good too.

What age are your 3 kandinsky?

Thanks Moosemama, I do feel guilty about the mornings but I suppose it is team work. Albeit one team mate takes a good hour to get to the start line!

quickchat, I don't do mornings - at the weekends despite me being a SAHM dh gets up with the dcs and I have a lie in.

Fortunately dh is a morning person.

Quickchat - Now 18, almost 16 and 11.

So have you been a SAHM since No.3?

I am a SAHM now and I sometimes wonder if I will ever want to go back to work one day.

Im still in a little bubble right now.

I have to say ... I think I could find plenty of ways to fill my day when I finally get time to myself and none of them involve work!

moosemama I just noticed your post lol!

Yes, thats how I see it, he is a morning person I am not - nothing else for it!

I have 3 boys. 3(just), 6 and 8 and it's bloody hard!

Although i feel like my family is complete, i really hate it at the moment. I can't meet the needs of all of them even half of the time, they fight constantly and are all at different stages developmentally (DS2 has slight developmental delay but is catching up slowly)

Money is v tight and everything costs more than you think to add an extra 1.

NO its not just like going from 1-2 with a bit more work. 1-2 means when one cries and you re attending to the other you have an arm free and can deal with it. 2-3 means bigger everything, bigger car/house/holidays/days out/food bills....

emotionally you never ever stop.

We have two and I think I'm with Mamsnet here, we're probably sticking with two.

I'm one of three, and I always thought I would have three, but I find two such hard work sometimes, physically and emotionally. And they are only 2.11 and 9 months! I look at my older nieces and nephews and all the help they need in terms of homework, after school clubs, just being there for them etc etc and I'm not sure I could stretch myself that thin to do it with three.

It also seems to me that once you have three or more surely your life must just become the kids, with no time for anything else? I mean I do love the all-consuming preschool stage at the moment but I also want to go back to work at some point and also have a bit of a life that is not all about the kids, but I imagine (and from what I have seen from SIL and other family members) that the more kids you have the harder that will be.

Another thing is my sister was your stereotypical awkward middle child - always rebelling, always arguing with my mum. I kind of don't want to relegate DD2 to that position, if that makes any sense at all?!

I think for me it makes a big difference that DH works long hours and we have no family nearby, so it would essentially be all down to me. I imagine family support makes a big difference.

I may feel differently once DD2 stops breastfeeding though and start yearning for another baby...

Quickchat- SAHM for 5 years. A few hours a week as a teaching assistant and now part time with children with special needs. This enables me to be there before and after school and gives me plenty of free time to get up to date at home, exercise or meet up with friends.

Because of their range of ages DC's learned that they didn't all always get to do their first choice of activity but would all have a say. Good lessons were learned in tolerance and negotiation. I have much happier memories of dealing with the three of them than I do of coping on my own with 2 pre-schoolers.

Redstripey, I totally understand and respect your reasons.

Just wanted to say, whether two or three, it does get easier as they get older. I know the homework etc seems daunting, but they don't have masses of homework every night and once you're in a routine, spellings and reading take 10 minutes each max.

Also, its easier to find babysitters for older children, well it is in my case. My mum loves her grandchildren dearly, but isn't so keen on dirty nappies and getting up in the night, whereas now my boys are older she's happy to have them for the weekend every now and again, which means dh and I can escape occasionally. Dd comes with us at the moment if we go away, but in another 12 months she'll be another one that will love going to Grandma's for a sleepover and to be spoilt rotten.

Your point about middle children is interesting, a lot of people said similar things to me when we decided to go ahead and have number three. Although dh and I were both middle children and we both wanted to have three ourselves. If you are aware of the potential for the middle one to become disenfranchised, you can make sure you prevent it, by making sure they are fully included and given the same amount of attention etc as the other two.

Your point about not having a lot of family support nearby is a good one though. Family support definitely does make a big difference, especially at times like when one has to go to the out of hours doctor or something, its good to have someone who can come and sit with the other two, rather than having to drag everyone out. We ended up with all five of us at the Eye Dept A&E last weekend because we didn't have anyone to have the other two and I don't drive so dh had to take us there. My Mum is currently out of action after a hip replacement and we are really missing having her around.

We have ds(10) dd(7) ds(3)...like many posters we umm-ed and ahh-ed about going from 2 to 3, thus the larger age gap, and I would have really struggled with just 2 years between each of them.

We came to the conclusion(when dd was at nursery) that there was 'room for a another little one', and now we have three, it's great, and feels like a 'proper gang'.

I am an only one (of two only-child parents!) so there are moments when the constant and conflicting demands (and noise/mess)were overwhelming, but as they grow, this is less and less the case.

We have no local family at all, and DH works junior doctor hours (say no more..) but we all muck in together and I can honestly say that 99.99% of the time I really love my life!

They children get on really well, and it has been wonderful to see ds2 build very different relationships with each of the other two, and to see the others look after him so nicely. "If you don't read him a story I'll never get the chance to cook that tea you wanted..."

Yes, booking holidays can be a real pain, there is a lot of hauling one or two grumbling children to take another to an after school activity and the washing machine is on constantly, but I really wouldn't go back!

A friend (mum to 4) described the process as 'wondering when my family got full enough'..and whether you feel that after 1,2 or 7 - good luck!

I have three, aged 6, 4 and 2. Three is hard and there is more to do.

I always wanted three and if I hadn't had a third, I think I would have complicated my life in some other way!! I was starting to set up a business when number 3 came along - luckily decided the two were incompatible. I think I would have been working at somthing by now so having three means I probably get to enjoy them more!

I think my kids would do more individual activities more if we had fewer children but they do get more time at home with each other which is nice for them.

I like our house "full" of children and full of things going on. So far, they don't get any less interesting / loveable / cute as they get older - they have more interesting things to say! There's not alot of sipping coffee and watching them though, you have to catch the snippets as you fly from one place to another trailing kit bags and permission slips!!

I have 3 daughters, 8,5 and 3. 1 son 9 months.

I found going to 3 really hard. I am not an organised person. Leave everything to the last minute. Stay up late and lie in late.

Dh makes up for what I lack. He gets up during the night with the baby. Weekends he gets up with all the kids and I lie in till 8.30 or sometimes even 9am.

Funnily going from 3 to 4 has made little difference. I have only noticed more washing.

I have also found it harder to get babysitters. When we had 2 we occasionally dumped them at my Dad's. He doesn't have space for 3 so on the rare occassions we got out we had to split them up between two babysitters. It is hard to find two babysitters. Also now they are getting older they don't want to be split etc.

Also dd2 was 2.3yrs when dd3 arrived and that hit us. We had just got past the stage of having to pack the nappies etc. just to get out the door. We were use to just jackets on and out. Then we had to start doing that again when dd3 arrived.

I also noticed the difference in time it takes to get 3 kids out the door. Just felt so much easier and quicker with just two.

I am one of 3 and think that is why I never wanted just 2.

Having the 3 (well now 4) has it's good points (honest). Like others have said, the kids always have someone to play with. They stick up for each other. Dd3 will often tell me to say sorry to her sister/sisters for giving them into trouble. The older two will also stick up for her.

I know as an adult I am very happy that I have two siblings rather than just one. This was my driving force really in wanting more than 2 children. I didn't really give any thought to the negatives it would bring into the children's lives. The fact that they may not be getting the attention they want or need. When they are older no doubt they will not get to do everything they want to try etc.

IMO having two is much more civilised than having 3. I could split myself between two but find it so difficult splitting myself 3 ways.

There have been lots of threads about the difference from going to 2 to 3. I have always said I found it the most difficult but most people have said the opposite. Most have said they found the transition from 1 to 2 the hardest and 3 just slotted in.

I wouldn't be without my 3 and 4 now, and know I would always have 'mourned' for my number 3.

Good luck in your decision.

I have 4 and often wished I had stopped at 3 (or even 2). I've given up a lot more than I had ever expected by having so many. I do a lot of the headless chicken routine, have had issues with exhaustion, too.

If I could do my time again, I often think that I would have had the first two close together, then a big gap (min. 5 years), then the last two fairly close together. I think that might have been better than 3 under 5 & 4 under 9 I did have.

I would also add that I felt a biological urge to have number three - logic and sense didn't come into it!

But then I'm not sure it would ever make logical sense to have children in the first place.

I absolutely love this thread!

It's not helped me one iota, im just as confused but it is really good to get an insight.

There seems to be as many pluses as minus but there are things I hadn't thought of.

I hadn't thought of the importance of them having more siblings (a bigger family) when they grow.

I hadn't thought of how much id need to split myself because of the different needs as much either.

I loved the running commentry of the poster on the last page (sorry, forgot her name) of morning conversations!! I can imagine, Im getting close to this already with my 2!

I have definitely realised the importance of age gap though. I need a bigger gap between 2-3 if im to go for it at all.

If you (anyone) don't mind saying - what was your age when you had your 3rd?

I worry about being 36 going on 37 to have my 3rd . Probably because of the high risk PG I had.

And if YOU were one of three - what was it like?

I was 35...Ds and I chatted about the age thing....we had two lovely healthy dc's and were aware that the risks of pretty much everything start to rise when mum is over 35, so we gave ourselves until my 35th Birthday to try for no.3 or else just count our blessings with the two we had...and along he came.
But I suspect there are plenty of other, older Mums who will say differently too!

I was 33 when I had my third.

35 was our cut off point for having babies but the decision was taken from us so 33 was our last one.

I was 35 with number 3. But given that the other two were 4 and 18mo when I was pg it was a bit tiring at the time and knackered ever since
Really really wouldn't swap it though. I don't actually feel that the age gap is small, 4yrs 11 months from eldest to youngest, with ds2 to number three being the smallest gap, 2 years. People have them much closer than that. Personally I wouldn't have wanted to have them any more spread out (I couldn't, tbh, having number 1 at 30~!) they play well together mostly, have weekend sleep-overs in each others rooms which is as good as a holiday in their world, we do loads of camping and outdoor stuff and we have a ball cos I am a big kid They're all capable of doing stuff for themselves and to help now, at 10,7&5 do I can just enjoy having fun while they're little, I'm well aware it really won't last.

P.S. just seen the other question. Yes I'm one of three as well. The youngest of three, and although it meant never ever getting a say in stuff as my older brother and sister were a good bit older and therefore got the choices, it's good to grow up with two people who can have so much in common. The big age gap between my sibs and me is another reason in favour of having mine with similar gaps between 1-2 and 2-3.

I was 28 when I had DC no. 3.

Good points on here re support, DH really does the bulk of household stuff which I would hate to have to do and my parents are local and help us out A Lot. I know how lucky I am and try not to take it for granted though.

Oh, I thought you'd all say you were 36-40 with your third and tell me to stop worrying!!

I do think the over 35 thing is relevant though.

Im 34, will be 35 in October but I couldn't even consider it until at least November, making it roughly a 2.5 year gap, which I have now and boy, I struggled.

Having a bad morning this morning, 2 is sounding nice today .

I had my first at 31 (I was 32 two months later) second at 33 (34 two months later) and third at 38.

I always said 38 was my absolute cut off for having any more children and dd was born 5 months before my 39th birthday.

I am the middle one of three. My older sister is 18 months older than me and my younger one is 10 years younger.

Dh is also the middle of three, with a brother 2 years older and a sister almost 4 years younger.

I definitely thing a bigger gap makes it easier and my experience I get on better with my younger sister than I do my older.