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Parenting

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Original poster

Confused Dad, can any Mums give advice

31 replies

SeanOg · 14/03/2011 04:24

Hello, I'm a Dad, hoping to get the opinion of some mums.

Although I have never posted here before I have had alot of help with getting things right with my ds, so thanks everyone. This time I need help with understanding his mum...

I am realising that I can't visit my friends and family with my son unless my partner comes as well. I like her being there, only if she isn't in the mood to go she will often make excuses as to why I can't take him by my self, I am able to take him as far as the park but nothing more. My family live in London which is an hours drive from me, my ds is 20 months now, is this right or should I be able to take him over to see my mum? I have always been quite involved as a Dad, but I feel that I am being treated unfairly, should I shut up and wait a couple of years?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Ilovethedoctor · 14/03/2011 04:40

Is this cos she doesn't want baby away from her?

mathanxiety · 14/03/2011 04:48

Why can't your friends and your mum come and visit you? Taking a 20 month old to a house that isn't babyproofed can be a nightmare.

The times you've gone to visit friends with your partner, have you sat down and enjoyed yourself while your partner has basically run around after the DS in a strange house, afraid he would break things or hurt himself? (That was how things worked out when we would visit the exILs when the DCs were small. One of the DDs slashed her cheek with a nutcracker gadget, a thing like a dentist's poking device but much sharper, that exMIL had left out. I hated visiting; it was far too much work for me and very stressful, plus cranky DCs in the car there and especially back.)

seeker · 14/03/2011 05:38

On the face of your post, then yes of course you should be able to.

Is the a backstory, though?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

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GotArt · 14/03/2011 05:48

"I am realising that I can't visit my friends and family with my son unless my partner comes as well." Um, why not? Are you with the mum? Are you prone to letting him run around? I'm thinking there is a back story here otherwise you should be able to take DS to see people.

GotArt · 14/03/2011 05:49

Sorry, I meant to delete the question Are you with the mum?

redrollers · 14/03/2011 06:40

You need to sit down and talk to her, she seems to need confidence to trust you with this. Of course you should be able to do it. He is your child as much as hers. She should be really happy that you are happy and confident to do this.

NinkyNonker · 14/03/2011 10:28

What redrollers said. Is there more to this?

pranma · 14/03/2011 17:10

Do you and your dp and baby live together all the time?

trixie123 · 14/03/2011 19:39

assuming you DO all live together still, this sounds rather odd - unless there is some specific backstory / issue where you were left in charge and made some dangerous cock up it isn't really "normal" for a 20 month old not to have some time away from its mum with just its dad. I actively encourage DP to take DS out and about on his own to give me a bit of time alone and he is taking him to visit friends 300miles away for 2 days in a bit. Can you ask her what exactly the worry is?

redrollers · 14/03/2011 20:39

trixie, I think it's actually quite common.
A guy I work with, his wife won't let him do anything with their ds, she actually says things like "you're not going to drop him, are you?"

Spandangle · 14/03/2011 20:45

Jeez- I'd be really pleased if my DH would take the dds off by themselves without me- if only

tuggy · 14/03/2011 20:53

This is mad. The baby is yours 50/50! She has no more right, I mean NO more right to dictate this than you do. You need to have a serious chat about this, she seems to think that its more her baby than yours :(

kalo12 · 14/03/2011 21:01

Although on the surface it seems harsh on you. I must admit I found it very difficult to be away from my child at this age and did not like my dh taking him to relatives without me. not necessarily because i didn't trust my husband with him but because I didn't really trust his relatives to look after him adequately, and I didn't trust him to be able to stand up to his parents. I was protective, but i think mothers have to be - your child is your responsibility.

I didn't think the in laws would do anything un-toward but I didn't think my dh would say, don't let him eat that biscuit. hold his hand near the road etc.

I did have pnd too.

I think you have to discuss why she won't come with you, and get your in laws to visit you instead

Ilovethedoctor · 14/03/2011 23:33

Maybe I'm overprotective as I wouldn't want my 20month old away from me either.

Maelstrom · 14/03/2011 23:41

I remember when DS was that age, if I left him with exH when friends family were around, exh just would get talking and therefore distracted, and couldn't even notice DS was getting into trouble.

I left DS with him for a short 6 hrs trip away, when I came back I realised exH had organised a group meeting at home, DS was not changed or feed on time. Then he took him for a walk in his pijamas, no socks, no shoes, in the middle of the winter.

Yes, the child was 50% him all along, was I happy about h taking care of DS for long unsupervised periods? NO, trust must be earned, especially if the other parent has provided enough opportunities to show he is not ok for more than a couple of hrs.

Maelstrom · 14/03/2011 23:43

Tuggy, that is rather destructive stuff by the way. It is not about owership, no one owns a child 50/50, it is about putting the best interests of the child first.

SlainteBooyFeckingHoo · 14/03/2011 23:45

jeez louise!! of course you should eb able to take your baby away by yourself!! does she not trust you? or your family? what is it that she doesn't liek about you having him on your own?

Original poster

SeanOg · 15/03/2011 00:53

Hi, thanks for all the replys I have had a v'long day and couldn't watch the thread.

I am very commited to doing things right with my son, I love him so much I couldn't bear for him to be left un attended to get into danger, he is a full on little boy who loves to explore. It is normally me who runs around after him either at my mums house or with my partners family while partner sits and chats (no problem as I enjoy playing with ds and mum needs break) and it's me who insists on consistent routine and healthy food!

This last happened on a day where my partner was going to college (mature student), I work from home so when I look after ds I can't do much, nap time shoots by doesn't it! Hence the idea to visit my mum instead. My mum is very aware of baby danger, she looked after my niece (7) every day from near birth as my sister works f/t and the dad did a runner.

Our relationship is pretty shakey but we are still together. Would it matter if we where separated? I'm still his dad aren't I?

I realise that I am not being a loon by wanting to do more with ds, I just didn't have the confidence to stand up for my self. Thanks all for your help I really appreciate it.

lol@slainte (great name!)

OP posts:

gooseberrybushes · 15/03/2011 01:01

Yes, it sounds bizarre to me. You are only allowed to take him 20 mins to the park? This is an extraordinary situation. If the roles were reversed there would be much condemnation of controlling behaviour and so on.

You're an adult, he's your child, you can take him to do whatever you fancy and would be nice. That's what mums do. Your wife is being incredibly unreasonable and treating you like a child.

Do your family like her? She sounds obsessive, controlling and in need of help.

gooseberrybushes · 15/03/2011 01:02

"Shut up and wait a couple of years"? No!

Can't believe the number of replies you've had "understanding" the mum.

Original poster

SeanOg · 15/03/2011 01:49

I just deleted a big long message that gave up the details of the back story, but yes there are deep issues in our relationship, possessive behaviour was a major problem before ds arrived, ie not going out with friends without her as chaperone, getting paranoid about female friends etc, not letting me work away from home.

I just need to know that I am not going too far by taking out my little one for more than an hour. It's hard to know how to guage what is right and what is wrong under these circumstances, I am sensitive to her issues but also need to have proper relationship with my little one. As I say the relationship is shakey.

How do you get someone to recognise that there is a problem that might stem from their issues?

OP posts:

lubeybooby · 15/03/2011 02:42

Goodness, that seems very over controlling behaviour from her. It's one thing to be sensitive to the issues but another entirely to be so restricted. It sounds like you could do with a good talk and to put your foot down a bit... and if that doesn't work then counselling together and see where that gets you

You can't live like this forever, sounds like if left it would only get worse.

mathanxiety · 15/03/2011 03:53

Well if that's the case, then she needs some sort of counselling. Going out with your DS is the tip of the iceberg. Mind you, I have to ask if you've ever given her any cause for alarm wrt female friends, etc? Or does the DS cry a bit when separated from his mum -- this can generate anxiety in a mother and make her worry that she should be there at all times or feel that no-one but herself can deal properly with the DS.

OTOH, she may be extremely anxious, in a way that could be helped by CBT.

If you don't manage to sort out the relationship thing then your relationship with your DS could suffer. Your DP sounds quite unhappy and she probably should talk with her GP about her level of anxiety or her reasons to avoid visits with your mum and friends.

Does she get out much herself? Does she have friends, or any interests of her own? Could you facilitate her getting a weekend morning off to spend with friends every so often?

cory · 15/03/2011 08:28

Good suggestions there by mathsanxiety.

I would say that in a healthy relationship, with a reliable hands-on dad and a calm well mum, it is normal for both parents to understand that it can be hard for the other parent to let go but equally to understand that the baby belongs to both of them and that it is in baby's best interests to be looked after by both parents (always assuming that both of them are reliable).

I never thought if was any easier for dh to go off to work and leave his baby with me than it was for me to leave my baby with him iyswim. But we trusted each other and that's how we coped. In the relationships I have known (my own, my brothers', my parents') fathers have always been seen as enormously important people and we've always had very hands-on dads in my family, so it would seem bizarre to suggest that a baby would be less safe with his dad than his mum.

Spandangle · 15/03/2011 10:05

never mind her - maybe you should think about getting counselling for yourself? being in a controlling relationship with a possesive partner can take its toll on you. And if you are having trouble gauging when/ whether you are being reasonable or unreasonable it sounds as if you might benefit, particularly now you've got your ds to consider.

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