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Parenting

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Original poster

So why do you think 20% of women are child free at 40?

48 replies

twirlaround · 22/10/2005 17:30

I am thinking there are a lot of different reasons, increasing numbers of fertility problems being one.

For the women I know it is simply because they have not met the right man - nothing to do with "putting your career first" as the media love to say!

What do you think is the most common reason?

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geranium · 22/10/2005 17:38

For people I know it was the same reason - not meeting the right person until late 30's and then struggling to get pregnant. Still there's always hope. 40 isn't so old these days!

expatinscotland · 22/10/2005 17:43

Haven't met someone willing to commit to having children with them.

It's certainly the reason why I didn't have children until I was 32.

I have never met anyone for whom it was their career or 'wanting it all'.

iota · 22/10/2005 17:46

I didn't meet the right man until I was in my 30's, then it took a while for ds1 to turn up. Had him when I was 40.

mind you having a careeer first put me in a good financial postion -- but that wasn't planned, it was a by-product of not meeting the right man

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coppertop · 22/10/2005 17:52

I don't know how common it is but I have an older sister who has always been 100% certain that she doesn't want children. She is now 40, in a long-term relationship with a man who has grown-up children from a previous relationship and both are very happy as they are.

expatinscotland · 22/10/2005 17:55

I have two very dear friends who are child-free by choice and in their 40s. One had her tubes tied at 38 after she got married - to a man in his 40s who also never wanted kids. The other's husband had the snip when he turned 40 - neither of them ever wanted kids.

pacinofan · 22/10/2005 18:05

I have friends in their 40's who are childless and would have loved to have had kids, they just never met the right man. All gorgeous, intelligent, witty women but not hooked up with the right man, it really can be as simple as that. Actually, I remember thinking that this could happen to me when I was 32. Hadn't met the 'one' and had basically given up even thinking about men. Then out of the blue, I met my hubbie and we have been blessed with a family. I say blessed, as I realise it could have been so different, particularly as I am an 'older mum'. I think it really can be a case of blink, and your thirties just vanish.

PeachyClairPumpkinPie · 22/10/2005 18:41

For my friends it's 50 / 50 haven't met the right person or simply don't want kids. For the men in that situation I know, it's all (but one) haven't met the right person. I don't think it's a career thing with anyone: more don't fancy motherhood full stop (I have one friend who has delayed motherhood so fay, but she is 31 and doing her MA- a few years to go yet)

Tortington · 22/10/2005 18:53

prolly because they met my kids

merryberry · 22/10/2005 18:57

Also money. I know plenty of 30-something working london women who cannot afford any interruption to their earning, or any addition to their outgoings, whether with bloke or not, especially as so many have significant credit/student debt. They aren't being defeatist about it, just depressingly realisitic.

aloha · 22/10/2005 19:00

Also we are educated until we are in our twenties, start out working and don't even consider marriage, live with men rather than marry them (or regard it as a permanent arrangement, but live-in relationships are harder to extricate yourself from than dating relationships, so this often leads to long relationships that you have simply drifted into and can take five or more years of your life, and then you emerge, blinking, into singledom in your mid to late thirties, and then have to find someone quick-smart to have babies with, which doesn't always work out.
I think many of us simply don't prioritise finding a man who will be a life partner and father for our kids until later in life, and for some people that (often unconscious) gamble works against them.

freakyzebra · 22/10/2005 19:06

Very relevant and intersting study by the J.Rowntree Foundation . Doesn't find evidence to support any of the media stereotypes.

tallulah · 23/10/2005 12:17

I was quite surprised when I moved to the office I work in now that a very high proportion of my colleagues in their 40s and 50s have never had children. Course I don't like to pry but when the subject has come up, they have told me that they didn't have children because they didn't want any, rather than couldn't have any. They all seem happy with their choice, but I can't help wondering whether they'll still feel the same when they are 60/70 and with no family?

Pruni · 23/10/2005 13:38

Message withdrawn

fisil · 23/10/2005 13:42

My childless friends are either people who just never ever wanted to have children, or who aren't in the right/any relationship.

HRHQoQ · 23/10/2005 13:43

I have a friend in her 40's - who has always wanted children of her own, but has had 5 miscarriages, one with her 1st husband (it was the first wedding I played for - and they were only married 18 months before they split ), and 4 with her new husband.

Certainly she's got a fabulous career, and they've finally got a stunning house which they spent nearly 5yrs renovating and extending - but she still has (and now probably won't have) no children.

HRHQoQ · 23/10/2005 13:46

"Also, does anyone else find that people 'overthink' having kids? I did, before it happened."

Yes - people thought we were mad wanting to have children as soon as we married. I'd only known DH for 1yr when we married and we decided just before the wedding that we'd have to go back to the UK (well DH for the first time obviously) - and we knew that we DH probably wouldn't have a 'regular' job for a while, and that we'd been living with my parents for quite some time.

If we'd waited for the 'right' time - we would't have any children yet!

spots · 23/10/2005 14:25

I know a couple of women for whom it just 'hasn't happened' - meaning a combination of things. Yes, in a way over-thinking it, in a way a bit fearful of everything it might bring but added to that a rewarding career (particularly for freelancers) and actually being quite happy with things as they are. I think as you get older you sometimes need the assistance of a happy half-accident to stick a firework up your *rse, and of course as you get older those happy half-accidents are a bit less likely to happen.

spots · 23/10/2005 14:26

(particularly for freelancers, as in, it makes returning to work all the harder after a break).

Elibean · 23/10/2005 19:52

I had my DD at 43, after years of miscarriages, fertility treatment etc. In my case: didn't meet right man (or know how to have a relationship with one!) until 34, then found I had a serious illness that needed treating, then had to wait till nasty drugs were out of my system for six months till trying to conceive....I was 39 by the time I started trying. All my friends who had kids late (or, sadly, wanted to and couldn't), had them late for similar reasons ie right man/fertility problems.

spidermama · 23/10/2005 20:17

I married my man at 23 and didn't have kids until I was 32. It was because I was pursuing a career and it just didn't really occur to me to have them.

myturntobeposh · 23/10/2005 20:21

My friends who are childless (and are now determined to stay so) don't want their lifestyles to change. They are financially secure, both being able to work fulltime with developed careers, and use their finances to travel the world at every opportunity. They never set out not to have children, but have never found the time right to do so.

tribpot · 23/10/2005 20:28

If this is a new statistic - and is it? some women have always been childfree through choice or circumstance - I am more interested in whether men are also having children later. Or did men in years gone by marry younger women?

As I've mentioned before, I blame biology for making so many twentysomething blokes be such dickheads that no sane woman would consider procreating with them

Frizbe · 23/10/2005 20:51

Think you've hit it there tribpot! I have a fair few female friends, who have been with several utter arses during their twenties, with promises of more that never materialised.....all of whom now in their 30's have very rewarding careers, but no current prospects on the horizion....

On the other hand I also know rather a lot of blokes who have only just started growning up in their mid-late 30's and are trading in for younger models.....

I do think our generation were brought up careers 1st, personally I was just lucky to meet dh when I did, I could easily still be climbing the corporate ladder and happily so.

lapsedrunner · 24/10/2005 07:05

I didn't meet dh until I was 35, we married when I was 36 and he was 40. Neither of us was sure about having children, perhaps too set in our ways, enjoyed our freedom etc. We then had ds when I was 40 and dh 44.

Octobernow · 24/10/2005 08:32

Went out/lived with a constant stream of selfish ar£es before meeting dh. Even then it took two years to get him to feel ready to commit to children - so had first dd at 39, second at 40. Clock was ticking deafeningly from 36 onwards but I never heard it at all before that.

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