Does anyone else 'miss' their first-born terribly when baby no 2 arrives?

[narmada]

I have a DD of nearly 3 and a DS who is 20 weeks.

DS has some minor-ish (we hope) medical problems and I am now recovering from severe PND but the combination meant that as of January my lovely DD has had to go to nursery 4 days per week. I find the one (week) day I have both children together very challenging as my DS has issues feeding and sleeping while DD clamours for attention, poor thing.

But I miss my DD so much, feel terrible that she's been shunted off to nursery, and sad for her because she must feel pushed out by her brother.

Well, there, said it. Just wanted to vent really!

I didn't want to read and run, but have no experience of this yet.
I'd be interested in what other people say, though, because DC2 is due in about 6 weeks and I'm worried about this.

Ivy please don't worry - our circumstances are a bit peculiar, and I know loads of people with 2 who cope perfectly well!

I ricocheted to be honest.

There were days when my DS1 was a large, noisy, stroppy annoyance keeping me from my baby, and other days when I missed him so much.

It is very easy to do, as DH always took charge of DS1 and other friend and relatives made such a fuss of him whilst I cared for the boring old baby .

What really helped me was that one day, my sister looked after the baby whilst I took DS1 swimming. Made such a difference to both of us.

Is there anyone who could do that for you? Or is there a pool nearby where you could leave DS in a creche for 45 mins?

My DH was talking about how he'll be the one looking after DC1 while I look after the baby, and I had a complete "don't take my baby away from me" moment.
He's 19 months old and such an affectionate little boy, I can't imagine not having my time with him :(
Luckily, DH works from home, but I can't help worrying.

I make a real effort to spend time with my dd, which generally happens at bedtime, when she gets an hour of my undivided attention. I worried about this a lot when I was pregnant, and also when I was in hospital when ds was born, but they are both my babies, to be honest, and I try to spread my time between them as much as I can, regardless of their age or order of birth.

Not easy.

That sounded a bit smug, I would stress that I try to spread my time between them.

My first child was my little buddy and we were a team and what I miss most since having more children is that feeling of us being friends. I don't regret having more kids but...

yes
dd2 is a difficult baby, and it's not so easy to carve out time for dd1 (just 4), as at 18 weeks dd2 still wants holding all the time.

don't feel guilty about nursery though. when i went on mat leave i gave dd1 the choice of reducing her nursery time, and she was adamant that she did not want to. she really loves it, and i'm sure your dd does too.

Messy, what you describe is absolutely how I feel - some times I am so grateful DD is at nursery and I only have to deal with one, other times I want to jump in the car and go and get her straightaway. It's a great idea about the swimming pool creche - we do have one, I will give it a go.

Pinkjenny you don't sound smug at all!

FourFourtyFour I miss it being just the two of us but I wouldn't not have my son but... I see completely what you mean.

Charlotte, we meet again, I've seen you, weary like me, on the sleep threads . Thanks for the words of wisdom. Also I just posted on another thread because you mentioned the Luxury Poo concept - one which we also use - those exact words - in our house. How freaky is that??!!

I really worry about this. I only have one dd and I already miss her desperately when she's at preschool though she loves it with a passion. I find myself half jogging to collect her and burst through the door to get her like it's Christmas.

I sometimes imagine having 2 and worry a great deal about how guilty I'll feel about taking my attention away from her.

But realistically I think that what you give them in terms of a family is a much greater gift than any potential loss of attention. Hope so anyway.

Ivy, I love your name. Are you a WoT sedai?

SOH - that is exactly how it is. Promise.

narmada - grateful you know what I mean and don't think I am awful.

In retrospect I would have sorted myself our before having children and would have had different age gaps.

SoH - I was only going to have one child but seeing my 3 and 1 year olds playing together felt like an amazing gift. They are 5, 7 and 9 now and pretty much hate each other but I have some happy memories[ .

LOL narmada - I see you around a lot

i think our dc must be spiritual twins

In a word.

Yes.

I felt terribly guilty for bringing a new baby into DD's life when she was still young (not quite 2).

I remember on day 3 (and I know it's notorious for baby blues but never had it first time around) DH's parents came for the day. I had had a c-s and they were (very nicely and helpfully) playing with DD from morning til bedtime and I didn't really get a look in with her. We're very close and I had never spent a night away from her before those first two days in hospital.

When DH's parents left I cried and cried and cried because I felt like I had lost my little girl forever

I felt guilty and sad for about four or five months, but after 6 months it began to feel like DD2 had always been around and everything had settled and I have spent so much more time with DD1 as a result of having DD2 and going on maternity leave that I think it's all worked out really well.

I love our little threesome now

Hugs though, it's horrible, but does pass.

Oh and SOH, I second what PinkJenny said - seeing my two girls together and the bond they have already is just amazing. You know that warm glow you get when you see your DD with her Daddy, them sharing a moment? It's very similar to that but even cuter. Magical!

SoH I am :o

I already love seeing DS with other babies, hopefully seeing him with his little brother or sister will make it all worth it.

I'm pretty newly pg with my second and this is making me sad altready. He's the centre of our world at the moment and I feel so guilty that that will change, but I know it's the best thing to do in the long run.

At the moment DS goes to nursery 3 days a week while I work. When the new one comes along, we'll probably drop that down to 2 days, so I get some undevided time with my newborn. How guilty I'll feel about that, I'm not sure yet!

It's reassuring to read this.

I know when I was born my brother refused to talk to our Mum for 2 whole weeks. But he loves her and me and is glad he has a sibling. At least I think so.

I think guilt might just be the default setting for raising children.

Ivy, I secretly want to be Nynaeve. Might have something to do with Lan if I'm honest.

I still miss DS and he is 4.5 now and DD is 2 . DD is so clingy that it still tends to be me looking after her and DH after DS for bedtime etc. And DH and I try to take turns looking after both kids on the weekend to give each other breaks.... hmmm, I think I will make an effort this weekend to take ds out on his own.

Wow this is exactly how I've been feeling. I have ds 3.4 years old, my friend and companion. We were so close and had a special bond. Now I have ds almost 3 weeks old and have cried buckets over the loss of my special relationship with my older son. He has been sleeping over at my in laws at least once/twice a week for two months and I miss him so much, yet when he is here I feel so guilty that I no longer have the ti e to dedicate to him. I mourn the loss of my previous life.
The only thing that keeps me going is that this will change as the baby gets older and doesn't need so much of my time.

I've had an awful day today with DS1 aged 2.3 years and DS2 aged 3 months. DS2 is no trouble really but the times when he does need me and I can't give DS1 my undivided attention I end up snapping at DS1 and shouting :(
I feel so terrible about everything - I miss my boy, I feel like I'm not coping because of the guilt I feel about bringing DS2 in and ruining my relationship with DS1. We no longer have fun, I'm always tired and snappy and pre-occupied.

I missed DS1 terribly after having DS2. It doesn't help that the first born is sent for a flip as well, and you're sleep deprived - not a great combo. I remember BF DS2 while making a model of a robot with DS1 in an attempt for it to be busines as usual for DS1 - despite having beads of sweat dripping off my brow and feeling super stressed at the sheer effort! DS2 is now 2, DS1 5 and I work pt, but I have time alone with each of them - although I still feel guilty whether I'm doing the right thing for that either (you just can't win!). But I do really appreciate the time alone with either of them.

Nowadays they really are a little team and when you see them rolling around together giggling madly, needing to cuddle each other before bed and just enjoying each others company so much - its a big plus point.

I had DD when DS was 2.5 yrs and I missed him so much.

I didn't have the time and patience I wanted to have for him. He may have been better off at nursery than with his shouty grumpy mummy!

DD had severe reflux and screamed day and night. I felt that although I bonded initially, I sort of, went off her for months. I wanted my lovely DS all to myself and I kept comparing her to him and it didn'y come out favourably for her.

She is now 15 months and DS is nearly 4 and honestly, I struggle to pick a favourite some days !

You will get through this. Difficult babies will not compare to the child who has been in your life for 3 years, it stands to reason. I know how you feel right now but you will find your second will whizz by and you'll forget how bad you feel just now. Good luck x