Does your parenting style differ from your parents?

[MarioandLuigi]

Was thinking today how different I am to my Mum (this is deliberate). I hate shouting, dont smack and am much more laid back than my own mother. My own childhood was quite stressful and we never did very much together. I am trying to change that with my own children.

My childhood wasn't great. My mum worked 3 jobs, alcoholic cheating swine for a husband and three kids, one of them me obviously and I was a PITA. I think considering the stress she was under that she just did the best she could. It was by no means perfect and I think there are things that I certainly won't be doing to my child. However, watching my mum with my child and her other granchildren is lovely. Now that my father is long gone, the financial stress isn't there and she is just relaxed and enjoying life I feel she has a lot of sound advice about parenting. Not that she really gives it but I have learnt a lot by watching her and watching how my DS reacts to her.

I hope that I am very like my mother.

She was widowed when I was young, and managed to stretch a shoestring budget so well that I never really felt poor. She grew organic veg in the garden, sewed our clothes, cooked everything from scratch. She was encouraging without putting pressure on us, and taught us that education was the way to a better life. She introduced us to music and literature and nature and everything that is fun.

Unfortunately I don't have half as much patience as she does, and far too often come home from work frazzled and shout at the kids. But I hope to be at least a little bit like her

In some ways...

I won't smack my son, or give him the silent treatment, or act like sex is sent by the devil, or send him to bed without any dinner if he makes a mess! In fact I've vowed not to stress about mess at all. My mum was a SAHM, but hardly ever spent time doing anything with us, as she was always too busy cleaning. I spend time playing with my son. I also think I'm more patient, something that she has even commented on!

But then I do think she is very loving and cares about us very much, so I hope I am like her in that way. I would also love to be as self-sacrificing and hard-working as she is. I know she had an extremely strict upbringing, so just tried to do her best with what she has learnt. She was certainly not as strict on us!

I guess we all think different things are important. Plus social ideas about what's best for kids constantly changes.

A lot of these posts are about not wanting to be the parent their mum was, I'm the opposite- I'd love to be more like the parent my mum was to me. She was patient, fun and kind to a fault and although I'm not a bad mum,I do strive to be more like her. Sadly, she died last year, just after ds's 1st birthday, but before she died, I did get to tell her what I thought.

I only have a stepchild so a bit different. However, parenting style somewhat different. I long to reacreate the kind of parent/child relationship I had, as my parents were wonderful, despite many children... so I think the thing I value is the dedicated one-to-one time that I rarely had with my mum, not her fault of course, as she had 5 children.
My DH is wonderful. I think our (step)son is constantly surprised at how much we laugh, enjoy eachother's company, want to talk to him, find out about his life.. be more interested generally than our own parents were. They had too many other things to be worrying about tbh, washing (no washing machine), cooking etc, and managing on v little money...

JemimaMop I felt a bit teary reading your story! I agree, being a calm parent, managing and living within your means and showing your kids the true meaning of life (not the current obsession about consumerism) is fantastic...
I have a full time and demanding job and I know my DSS understands the impact of it - rewards for us together as a family, but certain other sacrifices (in terms of time spent away from home etc). My mum would have loved to have had that opportunity but dedicated herself to bringing us up, and supported us and got pleasure from knowing we were going to be successful and fulfilled in the future...

This is a very interesting thread and hard to read some of the experiences that people have had but also very inspiring to see the hard work and thought that has gone into doing things better for the future.

I'm expecting my first and I have no idea what kind of parent I'm going to be but suspect there is a lot to still understand about how I was raised and what impact it had on me.

I'm interested to know how people have arrived at their parenting style having worked through their own pasts.

Erm I can't remember my Mums parenting "style" I always feel that I had a very happy childhood with lots of love and laughter but can't remember any specifics. I don't know if that's because I had a happy childhood and therefore didn't concentrate on how she did it it was just normality. Bit of shouting, bit of discipline, tiny tiny bit of smacking, bit of leeway and compromise, lots of love and laughter.
It's a bit of a shame I didn't concentrate more as I would like to give my children the happy childhood I had but am not quite sure how to.

I think that you will find it will just come naturally, Libra, it is inbuilt if you had a happy childhood. I wouldn't have thought of my mother having a 'parenting style' and I hate labels of any sort being put upon it.
However, from this thread I can see why people have to give it deep thought and go for a 'style',there are some very sad stories.

I've been working recently with grandparents to try and find out how we think our parenting style differs from yours, so I find this chat fascinating. What's sad, though, is that so many of you had such rotten childhoods. But I believe your generation to be more emotionally intelligent than mine - and it sounds like this is so from the way you're carefully monitoring your behaviour towards your children. They're lucky to have you.

I hope I'm doing things differently from my mum - for starters I KNOW which school my dc's attend, and don't sit through an entire assembly in the wrong school. I do get too shouty sometimes (usually when I have PMT) - but will always apologise afterwards, If I am wrong I will admit it and say sorry. I don't go out and get drunk, and I certainly don't leave a 2yo at home on their own to do so. I cook every day for my dc, I try to keep a semi-tidy house for my dc. I let my dc play outside with their friends once they are school-age (I wasn't allowed to even at 14yo). I don't beat the crap out of my dc for every (ANY) real (or imagined) slight.

All in all, I strive every day for my parenting style to be the polar opposite of my mothers.

Layddedy: ironically my mum thinks it is fantastic that I have a career as she never had the opportunity. Which probably proves that there is no such thing as having it all, she wishes she'd had my career and I wish I had as much time to spend with my DC as she did with us!

grandparentsnow - I hope I have developed some emotional intelligence - I certainly feel that more feelings are allowed, aired, and even vented in this (my 2nd, and my DC's first) family, than in the one I was born into.
My mother is quite stoically calm though, in the face of any crisis ! Which has to be admired in many ways !

I think a lot of the differences can be put down to my mother's generation growing up during the war. Times must have been very hard, especially emotionally, and I imagine there wasn't always time or space for feelings, especially those of children.

Thanks for saying such nice and encouraging things about my generation of mothers ... Mothers need all the encouragement they can get to do a good job

I shout a lot less and don't smack, but try to be like my mother in letting my children know they are totally loved, which I always knew I was.

Haven't read all, but the OP struck a cord. When dd was about 1 my mum just casually said how she had deliberately been a very different mother to me than her mother had to her, and how she had probably swung the pendulum too far in her efforts to improve on things.

I was aware they had ishoos and that my mum hadn't really enjoyed her childhood (and that her brother was the "favourite"). And she couldn't wait to leave home. But I hadn't really thought about it in those terms.

I think my mum was pretty good, but there are a few areas I had problems with as a child. She wasn't affectionate, and we aren't very close. These people who ring their mum every day or even every week - I just don't get it! - but she certainly allowed me a private life, which her parents totally denied her - she wasn't allowed to be in her bedroom except for homework and sleep! There was respect, there was boundaries, I obviously complained about rules but I always knew that my parents were there if I needed them, even if that was 4 o'clock in the morning and I never abused that knowledge.

DD has had an enormous amount of my love, affection and time, but because of my relationship with my mum I didn't expect her to love me best, and I remember when she was about 10 months, dp said something about "look at her looking at you - she loves her mum" and I was so surprised!

I have done things differently, but not to be consciously different - it's just how things have panned out. Except the smacking. I remember how that felt, that feeling of helplessness and desertion when this person that you depend on hits you so it hurts (i.e. on back of legs as opposed to dad who used to do it on nappied bum).

Actually the fact that I haven't tried to be consciously different is probably testament to the fact that my mum and dad must have got it more or less right.

Might say that to her some time!

There's some sad stories here. Good luck, everyone. One thing I have ended up copying from Ma is smacking. Discipline in our home when I was little was always from her. I can remember being smacked about 3 or 4 times, but it was always for things that we had been told we absolutely must not do, and if we did, we'd get a smack. So, if/when we did it, sure enough, we got the smack. It was for genuinely dangerous things, like climbing out of the bedroom window onto the extension roof, which was no way strong enough to support the weight of a medium size child. I dared my sister to do it, she fell through and had to go to hospital, and I got the smack. I knew I deserved it and don't hold it against her. I used smacks in the same way when the girls were between about 4 and 7. Before then, I didn't think they were old enough to understand that disobedience brings painful consequences, and since then they have not done anything that I have banned. Also I discovered that a threat to destroy their Dr Who collection is just as effective.

As it's late and I could type loads on this I just want to add:

1 child = fairly easy to be different. life is fairly well control. Add a couple more young children to the equation and a heap more responsibility and it is harder to stay away from those areas your would prefer to.

How much pressure do we all heap on ourselves to get it right or different from our mum!!!! I carry a huge pressure. Some days I do well, others not. Unfortunately I shouted this morning after a few days running of kids not getting ready for school in a timely fashion and a stroppy child that has been nagging at me for longer than I should have accepted (should have just given him some thinking time on each occasion). I didn't like myself too much. Was it worth it..... nope. Should have taken the late... Tomorrow is a different day and I'll try harder. I'm glad I have a really close friend I can share with and be honest about our not so fine moments. We are trying to develop ourselves each and every day.