Tryingtoleave and Twopeople, your posts resonated with me. I think scrutiny and pressure, and the struggle to carve out my own interests are items I can especially identify with, and Catholics of a certain era are very good at guilt too... As an immigrant mother myself when my DCs were all young I found myself nodding a lot with the Tiger mum I was inclined to discount her idea that it's Chinese but instead believe the attitude and approach are something common to a lot of immigrant mothers (she said herself she knew Irish, Ghanaian, etc parents like her) I am much more clear about expectations of school performance and consequences than my parents were, about the same wrt behaviour but less as a cultural marker (Catholic guilt/morality/identity, and an element of hippyness and classism kicking in there) than as a way of keeping healthy boundaries. I was much more inclined to say a flat out No to the DCs when they were younger, still am, as I tend to agree with the Tiger mum that children are very resilient and can adapt to the programme, whereas my mother used to do a lot of 'persuasion' and explaining when I hear it now it sounds like wheedling, which I don't like.
If I've ever lost the plot, I've apologised. (I hope that makes a difference). I tend to keep my feelings very much to myself and away from the children, and make a point of never crying in front of them, which I found scary as a child. At the same time, I try to reach out more to crying children than my mum used to, and name and discuss feelings more.
I am more strict about chores and more open about money matters with my children. Both of my parents spent their teen years in boarding school in what really was another era in Ireland and I wonder how that affected their perception of teenagers, well mum moreso than dad mum used to sometimes threaten to end us there and I remember often thinking Oh PLEASE DO maybe I craved structure or feedback and wanted less struggle as an individual to get to listen to music I liked or go places with friends, and hoped boarding school would have at least a different Us and Them to it.
As a mother of teenagers I find myself much more trusting of them and much more able to put up with aspects of teen life (Taylor Swift music for example) with a brave face and a fake blessing. Mum thought the Beatles were the four horsemen of the apocalypse and every school disco summoned forth a week of sermonising about all things 'modern'. And she never copped that the plural of 'disco' is not 'disco' no matter how often I pointed out to her that she might be more convincing if she at least got her terminology right. I never felt she could have dealt with the smallest thing I might have told her about happenings in school, classmates getting pregnant, etc., so het up she used to get about silly details like safety pins in ears.
At the same time as the sermonising there was never any practical advice about hair or makeup or behaviour with boys apart from a blanket condemnation of mohawks, piercings and punk style. The bits in the middle were ignored completely. I have tried to give my own hard won advice to the DCs about these matters -- I think it helps a lot if you believe your mother is giving you permission to grow up, look as if you're growing up and not still 12, develop competence where makeup and styling your hair go, and gradually take more and more control of your own life.