new mum and not doing a good job at it

[nello]

My baby is 7 days old today. She was wanted a lot but now that she is here I don't know what to do with myself, or her. I do love her and think she is gorgeous but i am just finding it so hard. When she is crying and not sleeping (every night) i do jut wonder why we ever did this. I really wanted a family, but didn't realise it would be this tough and now just really miss it being me and my partner on our own. I miss my independence of being able to leave the house and pop to the shops, go on a date, or to see a friend, I even miss going to work. I feel awful for feeling like this, I thought I would be able to pour all my love into her and would be so happy, but i just keep crying and wondering how long i can do this for. She does not like sleeping at night at all, daytime is fine, she sleeps a lot but i am up every night with her and the only way she will drift off is in my hands. I think it would help me if I were able to get her into a routine, but don't know when this is possible to start. I am not currently living in the UK, will move back when she is 4 months due to my partners job and the medical system here in Mexico is much different, no health visitors for support, just left to get on with it by yourself as soon as you leave hospital. The language and culture barrier also means that I know of no other mums, or mums groups. I know how lucky I am to have a healthy little girl, but I just feel totally overwhelmed and unable to do this.

I feel like i'm 7 days in and already a bad mum. Would love to hear if anyone else has felt like this and how long it lasts for and suggestions.

Thank you.

Hey there. You're probably still in the "baby blues" phase where your hormones are making you feel lousy. It is a massive adjustment to your life, having a baby, but it will get a lot easier after not much time at all, relatively speaking - although each day may feel loooong at the moment. It;s perfectly normal to feel like you do. For me, it took me a good 6 months to get used to life plus baby, when DD started to become more interactive and responsive it got a lot more rewarding. The early days are tough though, just take it a day at a time and if you still feel awful in a few weeks then maybe look into PND. Really, no-one says how hard it is becoming a mum, it is such a shock to the system, but honestly, you get back a lot more than you give up in the long run.

Oh, I remember those days. . . this all sounds totally normal. It doesn't make you a bad mother to be frustrated by nonstop crying. I had a lot of the same feelings.

I wouldn't worry about a routine right now -- just do whatever works. With my baby I think the nighttime crying settled down a bit by the time she was 4 weeks. I had to feed her in the night but she woke for a feed and went right back to sleep. All babies are different of course.

I don't know what the area is like where you are but can you take the baby outside for walks? You might meet other young mothers with babies at the park. Strangers will come up to you and tell you how wonderful your baby is, which helps.

Can you look online for mothers' groups? Maybe in the expat community in your city?

Oh and re routines, it depends on the baby but she'll probably figure out the difference between night and day by around 3 weeks or so - most babies have it backwards to start as when they're growing inside you, when you walk around it rocks them to sleep, and so they generally get used to being active while you rest, so that's probably why she's still sleeping more in the day than the night at the moment. Also, she's gone from being inside you and feeling your warmth and hearing all the noises she's used to like your heartbeat, so it takes a while again for babies to realise they're outside and can go to sleep without being held. At this stage, you just need to rest whenever you can, be very gentle with yourself, and take it easy.

This could have been me during the first 2 weeks of my DDs life! I remember saying to my DP 'Im so sorry I have ruined our lifes by wanting a baby!!!' Again my baby was planned and very very wanted but the shock to my system was still huge. I am happy to tell you she is now 10 weeks old and I am totally besotted with her and really enjoying every moment. I think the first 6 weeks were the hardest but it does get better and the way you are feeling sounds really totally normal. I think I found it really hard as I thought I would feel wonderful as soon as she was born and I didnt. people should warn new mums that the may feel like this and it doesnt mean they have PND or anything - its just a normal reaction to such a big change in your life.
Good luck and enjoy her

i felt like this with dd now 5wks and she was MY 5TH.Very normal.Advice would be to view these few weeks as temporary,chill out stay in you pjs,eat nice food,sleep in the day,sit and cuddle her if she needs you to,dont worry about house work.
As for you and dh,we still have a glass of wine and a nice dinner,watch a dvd together etc,you may not be able to hit the town but make nice home time together,this really helped me.These days will be gone in a flash,just relax into it.

Many congratulations on the birth of your daughter and ditto to all of the above. I loved ds from the moment he was born and he was a very wanted baby but the first year was a real struggle. Like others I thought we'd broken our relationship and I would never feel free again. But it does change. Slowly at first because they're so dependent but when they start to show their peronality and make you laugh and they love you back, it all gets easier.
Please don't despair. You are most certainly not alone in feeling like this.

I think what you're feeling is normal too and I found it good to just not expect too much. I BF DD and fed her on demand day or night, it worked well for us. DD didn't respond well to a routine so we didn't rush it.

DD also didn't sleep well in the cot until I was so tired I nearly dropped her. I put her in the cot next to the bed and fell asleep. She could see me and she actually fell asleep herself. I tried to sleep when she did and we swaddled her in the early weeks. I think the cot was just too big and the sheet cold when we popped her in.

She did sleep in her cot, so once I had BFing down, I'd go into town on the bus (timed just after a feed) and walk around the shops, go to the library etc. I'd make use of the feeding room in John Lewis to top her up before going home. Nice to get out and DD was pretty portable when she was that tiny.

DD is now 18mo, (mostly) sleeping right through from 7pm - 6am, walking, chattering, cuddling our legs and generally being delightful. Things soon move on to the next stage so it won't be like this forever.

Oh and congratulations :)

This period will pass quickly.

There is no point trying to get a routine now. Babies' sleep patterns change so much over the first 6 months you can't keep up. After 6 months they seem to settle into two naps a day and suddenly you have a routine without even trying!

Also the day night confusion will correct itself over the next couple of weeks without you doing anything.

It is easier to accept the sleep disruption with a newborn than to fight it. Get some nice dvds and if you think she will be up a lot in the night just lie down and watch them while you cuddle her. Catch up on your sleep in the day if she is doing good sleeps then. Or you could try cosleeping - my dd would sleep at night with my hand on her.

Where are you in Mexico? If you put a thread on Living Overseas, asking if anyone else is in Mexico, you might find some more MNers who are there. I know of one anyway and will direct her to this thread - she might be able to give you some help on the health system (if you need it)

As for the rest - try to sleep when the baby sleeps, go with the flow and forget about routines for now. Make Let your DH help as much as possible so that you can get some rest - and congratulation on your DD!

Hiya Nello. Whereabouts in Mexico are you? I have lived here for nearly 12 years.
I understand completely that you feel alone because you are right there are no support networks for new mums. If you are registered with IMSS or ISSTE (public health services) you will get some care, private message me if you want to know how. If you are a private patient you have to take responsability yourself. Do you have an immunisation card at least? Do you know how to go about making sure that your wee one gets her jabs before you go back? All these things I can help you with if necessary.

As for the newborn woes, they will pass. Being without sleep is very wearing and makes you depressed even before all the other worries you currently are facing. Keep Mning and talking to people even if only on line. Get sykpe also so you can communicate better with your family at home, a video conversation can go on for hours and is virtually free if you have an internet connection on your computer. If you don't; get in touch with Telmex or Cablevision and they can fit you up with a more or less reliable and fast connection.

Don't suffer on your own. And do please send me a message then we can get in touch via email.

When I had my first (much wanted) baby, I wouldn't have wished it on my wost enemy. I looked out of his bedroom window as the family of three children playing in the garden of the house behind us and wondered why anyone ever had more than one child.

I now have three children, and what I'm trying to say is it does get easier/better/fun.

Get and your pyjamas back on missus, snuggle up with your baby in bed, forget routines or schedules and getting anything done. Spend a few days just cuddling, kissing, feeding and sleeping with your baby. Get to know her, respond to her needs and don;t worry!

I'm going to reiterate everything said here and give you a big online hug for support! I had my bubba in the UK and my family is in Canada so I totally understand the feelings of isolation. YOu've got it twice as bad because of the language and culture barrier though, of course.
My bubba cried for the first 8 weeks as he had silent reflux so took awhile to diagnose. I wanted a baby soooo bad but thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life at around 6 weeks. It started to become a bit fun at 8 weeks when he smiled and started to respond. He's 6 months now and I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo in love.

Hang in there.

Big hugs for you. It will get better! Routines do appear, babies will start to have a pattern ans show you what they need and when and you'll generally get better at getting out and getting some of your sanity back. I too really wanted a child etc but nothing prepares you for how hard it is at first and exactly how it feels to not be able to do anything spontaneously with your partner etc, but you then start to change the way you look at things and restructure your life so you can still have some you time, e.g., going for a run / whatever floats your boat but something - anything that isn't baby related (obviously when sleeping better etc, I imagine running would be the last thing you's want to do at the mo). Good luck xx

Don't worry, you're doing fine

It's normal, it gets better very quickly (honest!), don't beat yourself up. And congratulations!

all of the above!

and all babies are different so it might take 3 weeks to get routines etc or it might take 6 months but for me it got a whole lot better with both of mine at 6 weeksish when the babies start to smile at you- you feel like you're not doing such a bad job after all

You're not a bad mum at all.

It's so normal for newborn babies to mix up night and day and to only sleep in mum's arms. And it's normal for mums to be exhausted by this behaviour and wonder why they wanted a baby in the first place!

It will get better.

I echo what everybody has said. Stay in your pjs ignore housework etc. Sleep when she sleeps. And go easy on yourself. You're doing great.

You really are doing great, you know. Just breathing in and out is doing great when you're in the thick of newborn-ness. Everything you're feeling is totally normal.

Ahh, bet you are thinking 'everyone else knows what to do'.

We don't.

It took me to no. 3 to work out in the first 6 weeks you should aimfor nothing more than feeding and gazing. Cleaning teeth and showering are desirable but not essential. Purchase 'lounge-wear'. A step up from Pjs but not actually proper clothes.
Milestones come at 6 weeks (when it gets a teensy bit easier) and 12 weeks. By 6 months you've pretty much cracked it (although as soon as you have that thought things change).

Use a sling so you can do 'stuff' like make food. Routines come in time. Babies/children move the goal posts constantly. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

I am actually a little bit jealous of you. These are lovely days and they pass quickly.

I think you are realising from the above posts that what you are feeling is totally normal.

I felt exactly the same...I loved my ds1 - I just wanted someone else to have the responsibilty for a bit.

It will pass.

These early days are tough. Really tough, even with a baby that feeds and sleeps.

All babies need is food and love and it sounds like your dd is getting plenty of both x

Ditto what everyone says. Also, your DD won't know you're feeling as you do so try not to fight your feelings. She won't know whether you're crying along with her with tiredness and frustration or skipping around the room with joy.

As others have said (and this works for older children, too) if you accept this is the way it is for a little while then it becomes much easier to bare. Take each day as it comes.

Do you have any help at all?

Not everyone falls in love with their babies the moment they see them. They might love them, but not be in love with them. That's OK. She just needs your care right now.

nello - how are you doing now? I really could have written your post 6 months ago (except the bit about living in Mexico, which sounds hard). I really thought that we might have to get DD adopted, but now I realise that I wasn't thinking straight and had no idea how things change over the first weeks and months. I think it helped that I was quite immobile so I spent the first few months just holding my DD and we co-sleep so I can hold her at night too if she needs comfort. I now barely remember those early days, it is almost like a film I have watched, rather than being me. I now adore DD, so much so that my DH has said that he didn't think I was capable of loving anything as much as I love our DD. To be honest it lasted until I got diagnosed with PND and got medicated, which was the best thing for me (think that my poor physical health post birth triggered the PND). But I would say at 7 days it is way to early to think that it might be PND as your hormones will be all over the place and the first few weeks are probably overwhelming to everyone.