Difficult decisions

[koonelly]

Hello everyone, I have been an imtermittant lurker and only very occassional poster for ages(depending on whether i can get near PC!) Anyway just wanted to ask for a little advice as i am just going round and round in circles at the moment. Apologies for long post and might end up having to post in two posts as difficult to access pc sometime. Busy House!

I have 5 DSs. 3 older boys from 1st marriage aged 22,20 &18 and 2 younger boys 5 and 10. A year ago i became a grandparent by my oldest son. The girl was young, wanted a baby to get out of her situation and had had a very neglectful childhood resulting in (we now know) mental heath issues. My son was the idiot who got her pregnant! They are not in a relationship but friends. She had the baby for a year in a supported housing enviroment with lots of social services support. We didnt have much contact as had no idea of the whole senerio but visited and gifts etc. Was very worried at state of flat and her and always tidied up whenever i visited. Was worried about appearing interferring. Just before Christmas we were contacted by social worker with concerns that DGS wa being emotionally neglected and not receiving enough stimulation as well as the enviroment being dirty and unsafe. We rallied round helped clean some of flat and look after DGS. Within a week though just before christmas we were asked to care for DGS as things still deteriorating. Initially for the weekend, realistically til after christmas. I agreed even though we had no free rooms. One older son had to move 70 miles away to stay with their father. This caused quite a lot of upset with them, (me "kicking him out" etc)and had to have one sleep on sofa but was that or in care for christmas so we did what was needed.The mother stayed with us over christmas and now either has daily supervised access with social worker or supervised by myself.

We were initially told that she was depressed, needed to get herslf straight with her medication and show that she was capable to look after child and she would be put in either mother and baby foster care or mother and baby home. We thought that the ultimate aim was to reunite mother and baby.

Since DGS has been with us he has thrived and had formed a secure attachemnt to the whole family. He still is happy to see his mother but has never cried on being parted from her.

Anyway now comes the difficult bit...

About six months ago i saw an old boss who said that pretty soon my dream job, running family food led pub in fastastic countryside location, freindly and well paid would be available to me if i was interested? Not knowing what the future would hold i said yes keep me posted. Anyway job now come available as soon as I'm available. I thought great all should work out ok as DGS due to go back to mother before end of February .Anyway, it hasnt happened. We have court delays, report delays etc putting date back. OK we thought not too big a deal we just put things off for a month. However yesterday we had visit from social worker saying that DGS may not be going back to mother?! That we need to concider being permanant carers and if we weren't able to do so they would look at adoption!!!. Not sure whether that last bit was added as a shock tatic. Also that it was all down to the court to decide so nothing was set in stone.

Am so confused as this job would solve our financial problems, be great place for our 2 younger DCs to live, but it wont wait. I have to do it asap. However court now not til April and it may be decided that DGS goes back to mother but just as likely that he may not! I have spoken to old boss and he is willing for me to still take on job with DGS in tow but obviously what i do re childcare etc is down to me. Initially it will be long unsociable hours so a lot of strain would be put on DH. I am not sure I can cope with both as at the moment i feel i am looking after everyone., but would kick myself if i siad no to job offer, DGS went back to mother and we lost out on an oportunity to improve our lives. However how would i feel if my grandson ended up in care!:(

Any opinions?

PS The mothers family is not allowed to see DGS so they can offer her no support.

It does sound like he has formed a really good attachment to you so I can see why they wouldn't want to disrupt that (if you haven't already, then you might find it intersting to read up on Bowlby's attachment theory). What you describe is how he should be behaving with his primary care giver (usually the mother). However, from the perspective of his development, it would be better that he goes to childcare and comes home to you (which many parents do every day) than he has to develop new attachments. Not sure this is how social services would view it but it doesn't sound like they have ruled it out.

Sorry, I'm not being entirely objective here. I think I've had quite an emotional reaction to your thread and find myself trying to convince you to look after him! I'll butt out now

Can I be honest, here - my first reaction is that its time for the rest of the DGCs family to step up to the mark. There are three other grandparents around somewhere, a father and a mother. Why are you the only one being looked at here.

Social services will put pressure on you because they don't want to have to go through finding placements elsewhere and it is usually whats best for the child. You clearly care for the child which makes it really hard I know.

If you do decide to keep DGS with you look at the best way to do that- you need to have parental responsibility if you plan to keep the child permanently. You might research options like special guardianship. You could also look at being a kinship carer - that will mean the LA has to give you the same financial support and opportunities as foster carers.

Wish you luck deciding what to do. Not an easy position to be in!

Meant to say do your research because SS want what is best for the child, you need to keep your wits about you to make sure you get the help and support you need to do this. Cuts in social care budgets mean that some short cuts could be made in offering support!

I cant believe you're even considering letting your DGS be adopted out of the family. Adoption should be a last resort where the child needs removing for its safety or because there are no family who can take care of him/her. Your son has Aspergers and the mother has mental health issues but you are an able bodied Grandmother with what sounds like a supportive husband and lovely kids (and a well paid job in a great location on the horizon). IMO it is your responsibility to take him on. What lessons are you teaching your kids if you reject your GS now; when he needs you most, on the grounds that it will be difficult and inconvenient. Even if SSs are not fully supportive of you taking your dream job, you could fight them on this. Plenty of parents work long hours and do a great job in providing all that their children need.

I agree with homeboys regarding room sharing rather than having a son move out.

What do your children think? Might it be a good idea to have some kind of family conference? Then at least everyone can feel they have a stake in what happens and that any solution hasn't been just foisted on them. Having said that, I feel you should keep this little boy. It will be hard, for sure, but I don't think you could forgive yourself otherwise.

I have just scrolled to the end to give a quick answer so apologies if I am repeating myself.

It sounds as if it would be possible to keep your GC but the cost of child care would be a problem. You need to sit down with SS and have a frank talk with them (put your assertiveness trousers on for this).

If you wish to keep your GC it would be very hard for SS to argue against this. You have had him since he was tiny, he is attached and to remove him would cause considerable distress. They are also legally bound to consider relatives before any other carer.

If I were you (and I have been in a very similar situation) the first thing I would do is contact www.frg.org.uk they are the experts and give excellent advice.

If you agree to keep DGS you need to find out what status you will have in his life i.e. are they asking you to foster, adopt, or more likey have a Special Guardianship Order?

You need to make it clear to SS that you are willing to keep GS BUT they MUST support the placement financially in order for it to be viable. If staying with you is in the child's best interests they should do all they can to faciliate it.

You will have a fight but it is very important you get this sorted out. If you had a load of money and big house it wouldnt matter, but you dont.

It doesnt sound as if DGS is going back to mum. She spent a year in supported housing and now he has been with you for a while. Mum would have been under assesement all this time and it sounds like that is coming to an end.

I am not trying to scaremonger but the chances of you having any meaningful contact if your GS is adopted are minimal.

Try FRG and there are a couple of Grandparent's organisations that can offer help. I think one is called Grandparents Federation but you should google.

I took care of my DGN when he was nearly 8 weeks old. It was until he went back to his mum (who sounds amazingly similar to your DGS's mum). He is about to turn 8 and is still with us . We fostered him for two years (all though birth mum's assessment ) and adopted him. SGOs were in their infancy then but I belive they are the choice now. They are inbetween adoption and an residency order. Please PM me if you want to chat about this.

Hi . social services are saying I have to have supervised contact with my son . On Christmas Day as I need to do a crb course . Come out of prison 2 weeks ago . If I got a legal solicitor would I have any right ? Please help as all I won’t is to be with my family . And my family won’t me there .

Okay, first off don't bang on about your GS's mother getting pregnant deliberately and your family paying the price. Your son willingly had unprotected sex.

He's also old enough to step the fuck up. Fuck the vague ASD diagnosis, he needs to grow a pair. He's made another human being now. He's 22, he either has to pull his weight or move out. You can't baby both of them.

I think if you push back against SS and explain the job will provide further stability for your family and GS they will eventually concede. You're clearly the best fit for the boy. Good luck.