Difficult decisions

[koonelly]

Hello everyone, I have been an imtermittant lurker and only very occassional poster for ages(depending on whether i can get near PC!) Anyway just wanted to ask for a little advice as i am just going round and round in circles at the moment. Apologies for long post and might end up having to post in two posts as difficult to access pc sometime. Busy House!

I have 5 DSs. 3 older boys from 1st marriage aged 22,20 &18 and 2 younger boys 5 and 10. A year ago i became a grandparent by my oldest son. The girl was young, wanted a baby to get out of her situation and had had a very neglectful childhood resulting in (we now know) mental heath issues. My son was the idiot who got her pregnant! They are not in a relationship but friends. She had the baby for a year in a supported housing enviroment with lots of social services support. We didnt have much contact as had no idea of the whole senerio but visited and gifts etc. Was very worried at state of flat and her and always tidied up whenever i visited. Was worried about appearing interferring. Just before Christmas we were contacted by social worker with concerns that DGS wa being emotionally neglected and not receiving enough stimulation as well as the enviroment being dirty and unsafe. We rallied round helped clean some of flat and look after DGS. Within a week though just before christmas we were asked to care for DGS as things still deteriorating. Initially for the weekend, realistically til after christmas. I agreed even though we had no free rooms. One older son had to move 70 miles away to stay with their father. This caused quite a lot of upset with them, (me "kicking him out" etc)and had to have one sleep on sofa but was that or in care for christmas so we did what was needed.The mother stayed with us over christmas and now either has daily supervised access with social worker or supervised by myself.

We were initially told that she was depressed, needed to get herslf straight with her medication and show that she was capable to look after child and she would be put in either mother and baby foster care or mother and baby home. We thought that the ultimate aim was to reunite mother and baby.

Since DGS has been with us he has thrived and had formed a secure attachemnt to the whole family. He still is happy to see his mother but has never cried on being parted from her.

Anyway now comes the difficult bit...

About six months ago i saw an old boss who said that pretty soon my dream job, running family food led pub in fastastic countryside location, freindly and well paid would be available to me if i was interested? Not knowing what the future would hold i said yes keep me posted. Anyway job now come available as soon as I'm available. I thought great all should work out ok as DGS due to go back to mother before end of February .Anyway, it hasnt happened. We have court delays, report delays etc putting date back. OK we thought not too big a deal we just put things off for a month. However yesterday we had visit from social worker saying that DGS may not be going back to mother?! That we need to concider being permanant carers and if we weren't able to do so they would look at adoption!!!. Not sure whether that last bit was added as a shock tatic. Also that it was all down to the court to decide so nothing was set in stone.

Am so confused as this job would solve our financial problems, be great place for our 2 younger DCs to live, but it wont wait. I have to do it asap. However court now not til April and it may be decided that DGS goes back to mother but just as likely that he may not! I have spoken to old boss and he is willing for me to still take on job with DGS in tow but obviously what i do re childcare etc is down to me. Initially it will be long unsociable hours so a lot of strain would be put on DH. I am not sure I can cope with both as at the moment i feel i am looking after everyone., but would kick myself if i siad no to job offer, DGS went back to mother and we lost out on an oportunity to improve our lives. However how would i feel if my grandson ended up in care!:(

Any opinions?

PS The mothers family is not allowed to see DGS so they can offer her no support.

Sorry for the spelling mistakes. Just typed and wanted to get it out there!

Oh blimey. Can I ask - what is your oldest son's relationship with his son/your grandson? It seems that you are the default carer and that you have very good reasons not to want to be this.

I would go for the job definitely, planning to take DGS with you if poss. It sounds like it is going to take a long time for the court's decision to happen.

If not - can you talk to social workers about alternatives, eg adoption but with contact with you, would that be a possibility you could live with?

How awful for you.
Hard to give advice on such an importanat and complicated decision.
Just to be clear this is your 22 year old son's child not yours. Does he live at home with you? Is there no prospect of him taking more responsibility for his son, if only to give childcare at least until you settle in the new job?
I don't see that giving the child into adoption is really an option that you could live with.

Yes this is my Son's child. He dropped out of college with stress of all this, has no job is living at his fathers 70 miles away and staying on the sofa here whnever he can afford train ticket! On top of this he has his own issues (was badly bullied at school and has social difficulties as probably on AS spectrum,high end Aspergers). Very clever but as pratical as a chocolate teapot! Therefore at present SS will not concider him as an option.

I am really scared as at the moment that i might later on feel resentment towards DGS. Me and DH had just got to stage where youngest had started school and we had a life back and could do nice things with DC that we all enjoyed. We are back to having a baby again, and it was not our choice!! Did i mention girl had got pregnant deliberately. I feel angry that my family is paying the price.

Unless your ds is very young (between 14-16) then he should 'grow up' by stepping up to the mark and become the main carer for his son. That's what being a paretn, even a young one is all about. He will have all the support from social services as the mother of his son has had. So he should be able to get a small flat for himself and the boy. Why haven't social services tried this option before involving yourselves? Have your son not shown any interest in his child?

Though it is a very hard choice it sounds to me like you have enough children of your own and that the job will give you a lot, both financially and emotionally for yourself (you say its your dream job). Would you not otherwise be resentful towards both your son and grandson?

Koonelly, I cross posted with you (both writing at the same time) and see that you answered a few of my questions. You do mention what I thought you should have a think about though - the resentment issue. Perhaps there will be resentment wider in your family too? It certainly sounds like your elder son was resentful for having to move out to his father (not that I necessarily think he has the 'right' to be resentful to you for 'kicking him out' as he said). I can't make the choice for you but I know there are lovely people out there more than willing to give a child a good home. I feel for you though as I can understand your anger and also your feeling of fear.

Bollocks just wrote a post and lost it some how. Start again :(

Thank you for your replies so far.
Snuppeline it was DS2 that had to leave home to make way for DGS so i can understand his resentment. He has got over it now but we all thought this was just a temporary situation!
I also keep telling myself that lots of children survive out there without me and lots of people would love him! I thought the baby part of my life was over. I fought hard for my last child after 4 miscarriages but i came to terms that i could have no more and moved on.
I talk myself round to different points of view hourly.

Sorry this so heavy

Do you think i should just wait and see what fate dictates? See what happens, ride with it, or be decisive?

I dont know what you SHOULD do, but I would;

take job and take Grandson with you - then sort out childcare for him- is a live in nanny an option if pay is good?
I would not let DGS be adopted and if I had to choose between either job or DGS I would choose the child. My reasoning being; that whilst I may regret not taking job, I would regret letting child go much more. I would worry that he may not have a happy life and may be affected by feelings of rejection from being adopted.

BUT I dont think I would be struggling with the decision - my emotions would not let me consider taking the job over the child; do you not feel attachment to DGS?

Good luck with whatever you decide

My whole family are really attached to DGS. My youngest 2 treat him and forget and call him their brother :( accidentially most of the time and i find it hard to not just think of him as mine.

They do however get jealous. They had no time to prepare for this, was just trust upon them. Youngest is really struggling at school as i believe that he is ADHD ( undergoing assesment at present). I feel whatever i do will be wrong.I was very understanding and sympathetic at first with DS and mother of child but now am so angry for putting me in this situation

how would you explain to your children that DGS was going to live with another family?

Wow, not sure what to say, you poor thing in the middle of all of this.
Would your son be able to come and live with you in your new job and then he could take on some of the childcare and perhaps a parttime job with you in your new venture? That way everyone wins??/??

Want to take job and arrange childcare but with fostering you have to tick all the boxes! not sure if i farmed hime off to childcare that would meet all "his needs" in social services view. I also would have not done this with own children ( which is why i've had a ten year break from trade ) Seems there are many more hurdles you have to overcome with foster chlldren than with your own!

I feel you should have a right to your life and plans here. You shouldn't have to be the substitute mother when care was thrust on you like this - and as you say, your kids never thought DGS was going to be with you permanently, though I imagine he feels like part of your family now. I know adoption is never the easy option but with the likelihood of contact, it still might be worth considering or discussing with social servics. I don't think being angry is a good basis for commiting yourself to being the main carer (as it sounds like you will be) for the next x years. Does your DS's father have an opinion on this?
In terms of being decisive - at this point the only final decision you can take is not to take the job and it doesn't sound like you want to do that. So I would go ahead with it and see what happens with the rest.

Also my DH really wants us to go for this and says he will support me. But i feel so guilty that he will end up looking after DGS who is actually nothing to do with him in reallity. He struggeled to help with our own DC when they were babies. ( great now they slightly older) but really let me do the baby stuff with them whist he worked.

Tulip, I did think of that one, and want Ds to prove himself at the moment to be able to help. But i seem to be having to look after him as well at the moment. He has good moments where he is brilliant but we are not allowed to leave DGS alone with anyone at the moment so its hard work for us all. He finds it very hard to wake up in the morning and gets easily distracted. I just seem to have to be on top of situation the whole time. Not sure i could cope with that and everything else.

Take the job and take him with you. It's only a few more years till he goes to school too. Just ride it out for a bit and you can have both.

No matter how perfect the job, I couldn't live the rest of my life wondering what happened to him. You sound like you would be the same. These early years are incredibly important and he's already had so much upheaval. I totally understand your resentment towards the girl. Your family shouldn't have to pay for her poor choices but neither should your grandson.

My first husband and the paternal Gf works fulltime, so does his wife and they are not in local area. They don't seem that interested in helping. He was 10 years older than me and not had anymore DC so definately not in parent mode.

Thank you Katy. I think that is what i want to try. But i am afaid of failing everyone at this time and ending up doing nothing well, rather than one thing properly

Oh god, what a sad situation. I really feel for you. There is no right or wrong answer here - only you cn work out what is best for your family. But it does sound as though, right now, you are feeling that this would be too much for you to take on (and no one can blame you for that). I also think you would have a hard job convincing SS that it is a good plan for you to move, take on a demanding job and leave your DGS in long-hours childcare; I have just adopted a child the same age, and SS definitely wanted to hear that there would be no paid childcare for at least a year.

The fact is that your DGS needs and is going to continue to need lots of care and attention,and you have to think seriously about whether you are in a position to offer that. If you're not, he may be better off being adopted by a family with a real commitment to regular direct contact. He should definitely not lose his relationship with you, and if he does get adopted this should be the aim (but be aware of the risk that the adoptive parents may promise one thing and do another; I wouldn't, but some might).

There is a poster on here called TheFirstMrsDeVere who adopted her baby nephew, and who has loads of good advice on how to negotiate the stages you are about to go through. You can find her on the adoption boards.

Very best of luck, koonelly. You sound like a wonderful grandmother and I really hope you find a good way forward for everybody.

It's certainly not perfect and not what you would plan, but I think you could make the best of it and still give him and the rest of your family a decent life. If you do the right thing by him then they should respect you for that. Poor poppet

Have you discussed it at all with social services? Would it be a non-starter if you took the job?

Hester, Thank you. childcare is the thing that worries me. He has formed a strong attachment with me. SS are saying this is good and is important. But what damage would i be doing leaving him each day. He visits his mother with a social worker 3 days a week for a couple of hours and has now become really clingy with me. I could not put him down today without him crying. He was not unwell or anything as stopped immediately i picked him up, but would go to noone else.

SS say they will work with me if i take job? not entiley sure what that means but think that because he has thrived they don't want to move him again? Was hard get any straight answers from them or to get them to understand the commitment the job would mean.