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Original poster

When do you tell (toddler) DC1 about impending DC2?

33 replies

DitaVonCheese · 28/02/2011 23:33

DD is nearly 2.5 yo and I'm about 18 weeks pg with DC2 so still a way to go. I wasn't going to tell her until my bump is really obvious because I think 22 weeks or so is a really long time for a 2yo to wait. However, we have our anatomy scan on Wednesday and I'm a bit excited and want to tell her.

DD seems quite fond of babies at the moment (she has a 2 mo cousin) so I have broached the idea of getting one to come to live with us. We saw another baby at a coffee morning today and she seemed to say on the way home that she would like one to come and live in our house, so I said I'd see if I could sort something out.

It's still way too early to tell, isn't it?

OP posts:

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isitmidnightalready · 28/02/2011 23:41

It's too early to tell her.

I told my 5 nd 7 year olds by saying I had a funny feeling in my tummy and they asked lots of questions and concluded that I had a baby in there - like we were realising it together. When they clicked, I said - yes that's what the doctor said too.

Bit of an old approach for yours, but it was very sweet for me.

Hk13 · 28/02/2011 23:44

Hi, Congratulations!
I'm in a similar situation to you, I have ds who is 2.5 and am 17wks pg. I told ds about the baby quite soon and the reaction wasn't as climatic as I thought it would be! He just sort of said 'ok' and carried on playing. I don't know what I expected from him tbh!
I think your situation could be different as your dd is quite keen for a baby to 'play' with whereas my ds would probably rather have another dog to play with :) Why not let her share on the excitement and maybe get a couple of books to read together to help her understand a bit more? Or are you holding off all the constant questions for a little while more? :) or maybe you could wait until after the scan and then show her the pictures so she has something visual to understand?

I'm rambling a bit and probably haven't given you any helpful advice I really need to get some sleep!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/02/2011 23:58

DS ended up coming with us to our 20 week scan because our childcare fell through at the last minute - so we explained before we got in there that there was a baby in my tummy that would come to live with us eventually, and that we were going to go and see it on the hospital's computer.

He was so excited, and it has got him used to the idea slowly.

I'm due in just under 4 weeks, and DS comes and lies on my bump and cuddles it - he is excited about the baby coming to live here and knows that it won't be long.
We've had a few 'I'm still a baby Mummy' type conversations, and we have gone along with that and babied him when he's wanted it. We have an equal number of 'I'm a big boy now' discussions, so I think the balance is there.

There is an excellent book called 'There's a house inside my Mummy' which we borrowed from the library. Very helpful in normalising the situation.

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hellymelly · 01/03/2011 00:03

I didn't have to tell my dd. She said "there's a baby in your tummy Mama,its a little girl".She was 19m,and I was only just preg-amazing eh?

Original poster

DitaVonCheese · 01/03/2011 00:40

Helly, oddly enough I did the same thing with my little brother - told my mum she had a baby in her tummy when she'd only just been to the dr to confirm it herself. Spooky! :)

Thanks for the replies. I just feel a bit bad about it because it does get talked about in front of DD quite a lot and her understanding is pretty good - so perhaps she knows anyway. We do have a fair amount of her pretending to be a baby at the moment as well (and being a big girl :)), not sure whether that's connected or whether she's just pretending because she sees babies around. I'm also feeling a few kicks from outside now so I'm excited about sharing those with her as well.

I don't mind constant questions and I don't expect her to be really excited, I just want to share it with her really but don't want to get her excited and then for nothing to happen for what is in her eyes almost forever. Though could do with her not bouncing on my stomach so much!

Will try to hold off another few weeks ...

OP posts:

Original poster

DitaVonCheese · 01/03/2011 00:42

PS Yay Ali Good luck, hope it all goes smoothly x

OP posts:

hellymelly · 01/03/2011 00:47

I would think she probably knows,as you say.I actually think a long time to wait is a good thing,as it gives you time to sort of rehearse what life will be like with the baby there too.I talked a lot with DD1 about how I would need to be feeding the new baby etc(perhaps too much,as she gave up bf just before dd2 was born,saying that she was a "big girl" and it was now for the new baby ).I think that just running through with her how our routines would change did help though,as she's been really lovely with her sister,not all that much jealousy.

Firawla · 01/03/2011 09:03

I have a 2 and half yr old too but I have told him already and am a few weeks behind you. Just thought, i'm going to be talking about it to others so don't want him to overhear and feel as though he's not been told? although I was also thinking its early to tell them cos its ages away. But as your dd seems keen I would possibly just tell her, but tell her its not yet if u can frame it in a way she would get more eg in summer or if there's gonna be any occasion first like her birthday or anything?
On the other hand i have a 1 yr old too and not gonna tell him till a couple of months before as he wont get it but 2 yr olds are able to understand more so i think its worth being more open with them incase they do hear about it from others and feel confused whats going on

hortham · 01/03/2011 10:10

Oh its such a tricky one. Personally I wouldnt say anything at all and then when you go into labour maybe your partner could tell her you've left him and wont be coming back and then ater having been away for a few days you then come home with a baby. That would be a lovely surprise for her.

anonnyme · 01/03/2011 10:28

I'm sorry hortham, I must be misunderstanding you .

Are you suggesting that the OPs DH tells her 2yr old that Mummy has left them both & won't be coming back? Then reappear with a new baby?

I hope I have misunderstood your post because that is a ridiculous suggestion & possibly the worst thing the OP could do.

Can I ask if you have children yourself?

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 01/03/2011 10:37

That's what I thought that post meant too...

I think she probably already knows, DD certainly does without being told (20 months, she talks about the baby).

hortham · 01/03/2011 10:56

No thats exactly what i meant! It would be two surprises in one and yes I have two lovely daughters who love big suprises. Some of you have clearly forgotten what its like to be a child.

ShowOfHands · 01/03/2011 11:04

What a brilliant idea. DH is at work atm, I'm going to tell 3yo dd that he has left us all and shacked up with the lollipop lady. When he comes home tonight, maybe with a puppy, she'll be thrilled.

I think if you have some way of explaining the concept of time, it's good to share the pregnancy when you're ready. We have a seasons/months of the year puzzle (from elc) and when we put it together we say the names of the months and seasons and talk about them and then I point to where we are in the year and then talk about things coming up, so look dd April and easter is quite near but October and Hallowe'en is all the way round here and the trees have to grow leaves and fruit and blossom etc and then lose them again before we get there etc. It helps dd imagine time and things we're looking forward to.

PoledrathePissedOffFairy · 01/03/2011 11:14

I'm trying to remember when I told DD1 about DD2 - she would have been under 2 when I was pregnant with DD2, so I think we told her when I was between 16 and 20 weeks (bump getting obvious, lots of people talking about the new baby).

I do remember telling DD1 (then 4yo) about DD3 just after my 12-week scan, as I really didn't want her hearing about it from anyone else. We told DD2 at the same time (2yo) and, AFAIR, she was just like 'OK' then buggered off to play, whilst DD1 was really excited and asking lots of questions! In fact, we let DD1 tell her grandparents about the new baby on the phone

mamsnet · 01/03/2011 12:47

Hortham

< double checks it is actually the usually non looney parenting section that I have come on to today>

BikeRunSki · 01/03/2011 12:53

Bookmarking this. DS is 2.5, I am 6ish weeks pg.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 01/03/2011 14:10

Surely Hortham is taking the piss? Surely she doesn't think emotionally abusing your children is fun?

NellyTheElephant · 01/03/2011 14:50

As you say in your second post I think she must definitely know already if you have been discussing it in front of her. In which case I really wouldn't hold off any longer as she might be picking up clearly that something major is going on but that she is not being included. What are the merits of waiting? Why would you not want to tell her? You are past the danger stage and in the very unlikely event that something did go wrong it would be better that she knew anyway as if you would sad she would need to know why. The longer they ave to get used to the idea the better I think, in any event in my experience they don't really have much of an opinion on what it will mean to them until some weeks after the new baby has been born. I don't think that they mind the wait - little ones don't seem to have a great concept of time!

When pg with DD2 I told DD1 sometime soon after I had had 12 week scan. She was around 18 months, clearly understood almost nothing, but was soon capable of putting her hand on my tummy and saying 'baby'. When pg with DS, I told DD1 and DD2 again soon after 12 week scan. DD1 was 3 and a half, DD2 approx 20 months. They both enjoyed looking at the scan pictures and had I wanted to keep it quiet after that I wouldn't have had a hope as DD2 told everyone she came across 'Mummy baby tummy'. I'm pretty certain DD1 knew already as she had probably picked up on DH and I discussing it, even though we tried not to do so in front of her before telling her.

prettywhiteguitar · 01/03/2011 18:11

i told ds 2.11 after the first scan, he saw all the baby mags with the creepy photos of babies at 6weeks and loved it.

think he may be mad scientist

personally i think the more time they have to get used to it the less it will scare and upset them.

he is pretty excited/nonplussed at times but understands that certain things are for the baby and that he doesn't need them cause hes such a big boy.

god i can't wait for it now !!

littlebylittle · 01/03/2011 20:22

Tell them early. Becomes old news then and no one else lets it slip before you do. Worked with dd second time.

Roo83 · 01/03/2011 20:42

We involved ds (2.5yrs at the time) from after my 12 week scan. I think toddlers are much more switched on than they get credit for, and I didn't want him getting upset or confused by overhearing things. He came to my 20 week scan and most other appointments (sahm so didn't have much choice). He seemed to enjoy being included and used to speak to the baby in my tummy. When she was born she gave him a present and he gave her one. They absolutely adore each other and so far (only 6mnths on mind) no jealousy

princessx2 · 02/03/2011 21:19

I told my dd1 about dd2 when I was about 14 weeks and she saw me throwing up in the toilet and got quite upset - she was just about to turn three. Her reaction was to run off and play in her room. However the necxt morning she came in, threw the covers back, looked at my stomach and said 'theres a baby in there?'.

I took her to our anomoly scan at 20 weeks and she was really interested for the first 10 minutes but then got fed up. However, she never really had the whole 'how long until baby' questions until the last few weeks. I suppose it helps once you have a bump as something to show for them to be able to realise it.

Your dd may still be slightly too young to fully understand and it may be too early to tell her - but you know her best. I involved DD1 in eveything as soon as she knew and got her a book to explain, which she still loves today. She came and helped me pick out vests and nappies and stuff and loved it all.

Good luck - whenever you decide to tell her

Wigeon · 02/03/2011 21:28

I don't think you necessarily need to delay telling her. I am due DC2 in May and DD is currently 2.8yrs.

We took DD to the 12 week scan because otherwise we would have had to arrange for someone to look after her, and hadn't told anyone we were pregnant, and it was just easiest. We just said we were going to see the doctor who had a special camera to see if there might be a baby inside mummy's tummy. DD was 2.6yrs and took it all in her stride. When the sonographer found there was indeed a baby, we pointed to the picture on the screen and that's how she found out. So there was no grand announcement - it was all really low key.

Her understanding is also really good and we also thought it would be pretty much impossible for other people to know, but keep it a secret from her. So it was just better to tell her early.

We have kept emphasising how long it will be until the baby comes etc, and she definitely grasps some very basic ideas like the baby is in my tummy, and she can feel the kicks. She is interested about the baby but dealing with it in a very matter of fact way.

Now it's a bit closer to the due date we often talk about what small babies are like, partly because she's always been really interested in other people's small babies, and she also likes pretending to be a baby!

I don't regret telling her at all. In fact we never really discussed keeping it a secret from her.

Wigeon · 02/03/2011 21:29

Also, it's useful to be able to explain why I don't carry her up the stairs any more, why she needs not to squash my tummy, why I have a great big bump, why I sometimes need to lie down and have a nap etc. I suppose you could find other explanations for all these things, but it's most straightforward that we can use the real reason!

Wigeon · 02/03/2011 21:31

Oh, just thought of another thing - she really likes coming to the midwife checks with me! She seems to find the whole thing really interesting, from the blood pressure cuff to standing on a special stool while I lie on the bed and they listen to the baby.

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