would you leave a sensible 10 and 8 year old while you had dinner with a neighbour?

[hatwoman]

this is in a small village where we know all our other neighbours. both dcs have been left at home alone for short periods - including sometimes in the evening whilst taxi-ing is going on. They also do other independent stuff like walk to the shop and walk the dog. They're know how to use the phone and are happy with the idea of us going.

I feel so sorry for some DCs -they must long to get rid of their parents sometimes!

Another no from me, I'm afraid. I understand your logic but wouldn't personally take the risk.

But they are next door alistron1-I bet some people with large houses are further away than the ones in OP!! My parents used to do it and as it was semi detatched we only had to bang on the wall!!We were quite happy.

No I wouldn't personally, I think they are too young. My oldest DS is nearly 10 and his brother is 7 and I definately think they are too young to be left alone, but I know my oldest wouldn't want to be left alone either.

I don't understand why people think you should allow children to play outside on their own from a young age, but not leave them at home on their own at home. Surely there are more dangers outside?

I think that it is a good idea so that they can learn to risk assess-many parents on here seem to be unable to risk assess!
It is a small village, they know everyone, they are next door, they are old enough to be sensible, they should be able to follow rules, they have a telephone, they are happy about it.

You really think that people let their DCs play outside on their own from a young age,happybubblebrain?!!! (not if you read MN!)

Agree with seeker that a 16 year old should be able to be left at home in charge of an 11 year old! Over protection is asking for trouble later on, surely? Parenting is about encouraging progressive and appropriate independance.

I personally wouldn't leave an 8 and 10 year old in the evening but OP you know your own dc best.

hatwoman I'd give it a go, but once the reality sets in they might not like it, in the dark at night - just tell them if they are unhappy at all to call you and one of you will come back and get them and take them back to the neighbours with you :)

Seeker was not being bitchy - she was just stating a fact. Most of us were babysitting long before 16 - not being able to leave your own 16 & 11 years olds home on their own is madness.

they are three doors away not next door - just dont think its fair not for a whole evening

Exoticfruits - I wrote on another threat this week that I would feel to scared to let a 6 year old play out on their own and another poster indicated she felt for my daughter. So I guess it's not all mumsnetters.

*thread

No. I wouldn't leave my 12 & 10 year old boys in the evening. I leave them for an hour in the day, but wouldn't do it for a few hours in the evening.

We have a pub next door but one from our house, i don't suppose many of you would be impressed if I said we'd left our boys in the evening to go to the pub.

Schilke - if it was occasionally and you could hear your phone then fine, but if it was every night, then probably not - no

Sunshine - what's the difference between next door and 3 doors away? About 5 seconds?

Not all MNetters, but a sizeable number-as is shown here, where 1 door or 3 doors is the difference of 5 seconds!
DCs must feel so smothered sometimes they will be actively pushing their parents out of the door when they are 18yrs old and saying 'we can cope!'
It is the parent's job to assess risk and encourage appropriate independence-it isn't easy (I think it is the most difficult part of parenting)but to say that you can't go 3 doors down for a few hours, when you can be in constant contact,in case fire breaks out is just parental anxiety and should be hidden from the DCs! I bet these people went to sleep last night without constantly checking the kitchen for fire!
The important thing is whether the DCs are happy about it-if not -then don't do it.

exoticfruits - 'I find it amazing ...'

While a 16yo girl might be more responsible than a 16yo boy (can imagine fighting or somesuch 'tween an older boy and sibling(s)).

Plenty of people saw the BBC 3 series about parents observing ('snooping on') their 18yo offspring, away to Greece, Ibiza, etc with a bunch of friends. Parents observed them all getting drunk, and in one case visiting a lap dance club where son blew 250 quid in about 3 hours...

In another show, a 'quiet' lad (not as quiet as the one who blew loads of cash) was on stage while a girl who was bare to the waist was slowly removing his clothes... friends' jaws dropped as his dad and mum arrived, and mum dragged him off stage with a 'think that has gone far enough' comment...

She was, however, suddenly faced with the fact that he is a young adult and going off to university 2 months later, so she would soon have to 'let go'.

However the series shows the other poster is not alone in having strong family tie and it should be accepted as nothing more than that - takes all sorts (though personally I think it a touch too much 'cotton wool', so quite understand your view, too).

I have a 7 year old and a 5 year old but could imagine leaving them in the same situation as the OP when they are 10 and 8.

On the 16 year old looking after the 11 year old scenario - the babysitter we use for DC is either 15 or 16 (she is in year 11). Of course a 16 year old and an 11 year iold should be able to be left together.

The problem is, NetworkGuy, that you have to actively work at letting go, giving responsibility,letting them risk access (at an appropriate level)and giving independence -if you insist on rigid control and wrapping in cotton wool they will go wild when let off the leash! I am afraid that your 18yr old is an adult (in the eyes of the law)and if they want to go to Ibiza and spend the week clubbing, drinking and having unprotected sex you can't actually stop them, if they have the money. Therefore it is sensible to treat them as if they are responsible people much earlier and discuss the 'what if....' scenarios. If the house mysteriously goes up in flames as soon as you leave it (something MNetters seem to think is likely-although ask them to put £1000 on the likelihhood and they wouldn't!!)a 10 year old should have the sense to get out and stay out and in addition be knocking on your door (3 doors away!) within 5 seconds).
16yr old boys can be just as responsible as 16yr old girls! My DS uses to babysit for friends of mine when he was 16yrs old and they were quite happy with him. However, he had been left at home with his siblings when younger.

this thread has been interesting. thank you for everyone's contributions - I have read them all.

what has been reassuring - is that my suggestion was a long way from receiving universal yabu (even though this is not AIBU!).

I gave dds the choice and they postively begged to be left. I pushed them quite hard and absolutely believe this was genuine. The dark really doesn't phase them - never has and they pour scorn on adults who think it makes a difference ("do they think there are monsters?"). we went back 3 times over a 3.5 hour period. they had phone numbers, keys to all the doors, and they know what to do in the (unlikely) event of a fire. in fact I've told them so many times they're sick of hearing it. They watched a dvd, went to bed, read and fell asleep. They are proud of being considered grown up enough for this - pleased that we trust them. They are also proud of being part of a village community that facilitates their independence. Overall I think the positives are more far-reaching than our enjoyment of dinner. I think this was a very positive step and, hard as it is to start letting go, I believe strongly, that it is an important part of our role as parents and is in our children's interests.

Thanks again for all the interesting input.

Brilliant
glad it worked out fine
bet you were thinking of this thread all evening

3 doors down, should be fine

ive worked in such enourmous houses that you can be in the same house, yet a lot further (physically) away, then people who live in normal houses on normal streets.

We certainly didnt feel bad if in a room at the other end of the house

yes, exoticfruits, my comment on 16yo boys was a bit harsh, as it does come down to being given opportunities to show they can be trusted and while the 18yo examples were sometimes shocking for their parents, it was a wake-up call that these were young adults, and drinking, smoking, and most anything else that went on was perfectly legal, and not uncommon.

There was no sex but then again these young adults were wired for sound and had a film crew each, recording nearly everything, from getting drunk, to snooping around the bedrooms the next day... I have no idea how the BBC/makers were promoting this to the 18yo bunch but they were obviously not calling it "Sun, Sand and Suspicious Parents" which is how it went out on TV.

hatwoman - glad you all enjoyed your evening, and given the village environment, there could have been a quick phone call if some strange car had pulled up, on the "err on the side of caution" method, if your DC had any concern about it.

hatwoman - I'm glad the girls enjoyed their night of freedom - you do realise they'll be badgering all of your neighbours to invite you around for dinner now

I expect dinner wasn't that relaxing for you - but I hope you had a nice evening.

Funny how your house didn't combust the minute you left