I love my son (6) but I can't handle him and it's killing me.

[tolipfinityandbeyond]

My son's behaviour has been getting worse and worse over the last two years. He has no respect for adults, no matter what I do or say. He has kicked his teacher, starts fights with other kids, pinches his sister, talks back in a really nasty way to me, and basically I'm finding it harder to cope with him all the time. I'm on my own with my kids, no family around. Their father has nothing to do with any of us, so I'm the only person he has for anything really.

I've got him referred to CAMHS and he will have extra help at school after the half term break. He's incredibly intelligent and articulate, and the most lovable and well-mannered boy you could wish for until he "snaps" and then you wouldn't recognise him.

I've done all the usual things, reward charts, rewarding good behaviour, punishing bad behaviour by taking away treats etc. Tried so many times to talk with him about it, in a nice calm way. And I tell him I love him several times a day, and praise him for good behaviour. I suspect he may have ADHD or be on the autistic spectrum, although he is very creative.

It's got to the stage that I can't cope emotionally with all this. Recently when he snaps, a few times I've lost my temper with him and grabbed him and shouted so much that I reduce him to tears. I've even shouted at him that if he doesn't stop behaving like this I will have to put him into care (I shouted that tonight). And part of me is actually thinking that. I know that what I say must be so horrible for him to hear and I am crying writing this. His behaviour is killing me, and my reaction to all this is bound to be damaging for him psychologically.

I can't let him carry on behaving like this. I worry that as he gets older and bigger he will physically hurt my daughter or me. Even though I know he loves both of us.

I'm just losing my tolerence to his behaviour. He's been sent home from school enough times for me to not dare go too far from home in the day in case I get another phone call asking me to come and get him.

This is killing me. I can't cope with this for much longer. I am a terrible mother.

I have 3 younger brothers, the middle one was a nightmare. He used to nut the floor when he was a baby and was very highly strung. He was expelled from two playgroups for fighting with other kids and kicking the helper in the face. He threw a friends new bike over a high wall and smashed it to smitherines on xmas day. He asked for weight-lifting gloves and when he got them throttled another boy, the list could go on. Anyways hes 24 now and didnt do very well at school. Was more interested in his social life. He got an apprenticeship when he was 16 and has been there ever since. Hes 24 now, has a highly paid skilled trade and a lovely girlfriend. I know my mam was at the end of her thether when he was a child. No your not a terrible mother.

Thanks for that fifi25. I feel like one though. I love him so, so much. But he can't control himself, I can't control him, the teachers can't either, and he's so unhappy and angry. And I've had to cope with all this for so long on my own now, and with him getting bigger all the time (and he is big for his age) and his behaviour worsening, I'm ending up behaving as badly as him sometimes now, he's going to grow up with all these awful memories of me being so angry with him, saying I'm going to get rid of him if he carries on. I love him so much it hurts, and I wonder if I have just been bring him up badly all along and it's all my fault. I'm crying my eyes out writing this, I can't stand this pain. His sister has special needs so it's impossible to give him more attention than I do, and I do try my best, but he certainly gets less attention than she does.

Part of me has such a strong urge to just die, this pain is so much. I know losing their mother would be devastating for my beautiful children, but I don't know how much more I can take, how much longer I can carry on.

Oh goodness. I'm not sure what good advice I have, but I couldn't leave this unanswered.

Nobody would be better off if you were dead, including you.

It's not your fault. It sounds like a combination of factors, which anyone would struggle to deal with. You are doing your best and that is what he will realise when he is older.

It's great you are getting some help from CAMHS. They should help you all to figure out what is going on and strategies to deal with it.

Are you ok? You sound like you are dealing with a lot. If you feel like you are slipping into depression, you need to seek help for that too, as it will help you cope.

Thinking of you and hope more helpful people will be along soon. xxxxx

Please don't blame yourself OP. It sounds like you really care for your DS and are looking at getting help with his behaviour.

Try and stay positive and maybe you can turn the corner. Sorry I don't have any brilliant advice - I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I have a son (almost 5) and I often find his behaviour challenging. I too have said things I later regret. Don't be too hard on yourself - we all struggle at some point. Your children need and love you.

This sounds horrendous for you all

What's his diet like? Does he have artificial sweeteners/colours/flavours? I wonder whether a change in diet to nothing processed/artificial would make any difference?

My brother seen a dietician and my mam involved social services. Theres 4 of us and he was the only one who behaved this way. My mam and dad had me at 15 and 16 and my next brother at 19, if anything we were the ones who had a bit of an unstable upbringing at the start but we were well behaved. Shes didnt have the 'naughty' one till 30 then another at 32. Sometimes i think its just personality and not the way they are brought up. If your feeling so low i would speak to g.p and see if theres anything they can suggest. I was a teenager when he was born and can vividly remember my mam at her wits end. You coulnt leave my youngest brother with him as he would injure him. It was a horrible time for her.

Sounds like you are taking the right steps to get the extra support you and your DS need.

In the meantime - trying looking at some of the videos on ParentChannel.tv, I find them useful - and it's nice to know others are struggling through similar issues.

Thanks everyone so far for your kind words and support. It does help, although reading it all just brings the tears back! Piprabbit, thanks for that link, I hadn't even heard of ParentChannel, thank you! I've had a quick look and it looks great, will spend more time on it later when the kids are in bed. x

I think you sound like a very GOOD mother - doing all the right things and going through the right channels to try to help your DS

Thanks Lemonmousse. I don't agree completely but it helps to hear these things anyway.

I sympathise, going through this with one of mine who has hit her teens and periods and it's hell!!!!

Pademelons plus are very, very good and can offer advice as well as an ear! I have rung them in the dead of night and they were brilliant. I'm a lone parent too, no family support, so know what you're going through!

• parentline plus...... On my phone lol!!

From reading this thread, IMHO you are a very, very good parent. You are self-aware, you are concerned that your frustration with your DC's behaviour will have a negative effect and your worried about the long term implications for him. I don't have any practical advice (sorry), but really wanted to post. Your doing your absolute best, and no-one can ask for more.

Thanks Alaro. I have to say that we managed a day of no major upsets yesterday. That was such a relief.

IloveTIFFANY thanks for the advice about Pademelons plus!!! x

Hi TOLIP
I could have written your post (in fact I have done so in special needs I can relate to every single word you say both about his behaviour and the way I feel.
I got to the point I could not bear his voice and yelling at him which is something I feel very strong against.
I also have tried everything and convinced myself he HAD to be Asperger or something else.
ANyway, I started to see a child therapist, dc has seen her 3 time but yet no dx but things have improved a lot.
I could not change him so I had to change myself. I made myself to sleep more (which I wasn't doing at the time) had to let go of some work to spend more leisurely time with him, make sure I woke up early and always allow plenty of time, never rush him to do anything
and generally keeping a more firm but slower routine. Bloody hard work but things have improved so much even within a short period of time (6 weeks)
Something interesting CT has told me is that at this age father figure role is to help a child in detaching from their mother. Missing a dad means that the child had to work out a way of doing him by himself. This fact alone could explain (at least to me) some of the aggression towards me.
Also make sure, if you are not doing it already, that he does not take any sugar say after 4/5pm and get plenty of sleep too
ps: I have not read all the answers so excuse me if I repeat something

here are my 2 posts
you may find some responses useful
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/1126467-reality-check

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1125157-darkest-fear-pls-help

you sound like you are doing your absolute best and that's all any of us can ever do.

from your posts i would say to relax more. so easy to say and yet so hard to do. stop holding on so tightly. try and trust him and yourself to come through this and out the other side. you will. in the meantime, try and focus on the positves. think about what you enjoy doing with him and start doing more of it.

feel for you

OP, you poor thing. I am not there yet as my DS1 is only 3yo, but he has a similar temper. Sometimes I couldn't even say, unlike you, that I love him very much, because at times I just hate him for what he is, and it feels that he hates me back.
I notice that my DS gets mostly agressive towards me. Sometimes with other children. Rarely with his dad. Never with his childminder. So I do wonder, what am I doing wrong. On the other hand, I realise that probably he is most attached to me, and the anger must be some for of fear of being detached, maybe..
I feel that I do so many things with him, organising daily activities, healthy meals, meating his playmates, going to parks, reading drawing doing crafts with him, following strict reward-punishment pattern. I am so afraid to lose control over him if he gets away with his bad behaviour, which is loads and loads. I wonder if I try to be too controlling. His dad is a lazy sob, allows DS to watch lots of TV, doesn't engage in activities, but I don't remember DS showing aggressiveness towards him. Not listening - yes, but not aggresive.

So my conclusion was - this is DS temper, including fear of detachment from me, including me maybe trying to be too strict parent. I find that because I always react to what bad he did, he would be happy to repeat bad behaviour. Now I am trying to rather ignore it, as long as it doesn't hurt others.

I don't have a sound advice, but I bought a book "Playful parenting" which gives some good ideas how to calm DS down. Also, when he is older, I will take him to martial arts or scouts. I have heard it can make difference. At the time being, I am just trying to be a "softer" parent, take him out more (even though I have 4month old DS2), raise his stamina, some hiking if possible, just to get his energy out in positive ways.

Hi. We had our first CAMHS appointment today. At least the ball is now rolling, so to speak. I was told we should have another appointment in approximately a month.

Today was mostly about me giving as much information as I could, answering a questionnaire but I also gave lots of extra info that I thought might help. Extra stuff like how kind and helpful he sometime is with younger children, to the extent that the other child's parent has commented on what a lovely son I have! (And he IS lovely, until something upsets him!)
And how he wrote a beautiful song when he was 4 1/2 (he comes from a very musical background, it's in the blood!)
And how he very frequently draws up "plans" as he calls them, pictures of machines, often drawn in great detail, to enable him to get what he wants! All rolled up neatly and stored in a box. It's not a daily occurrence, but maybe twice a week he will add to it.

I gave as much info as I could, which was easy as he was out of the room for most of the appointment, playing table football with a student who was originally there to sit in on the appointment!

He is now in school only part time. The head's decision, or rather the board of governers, I am led to believe. But he is now only there for two hours a day, when the behavioural support woman has him, and that's it. She can't come on Fridays, so he has the full day off then.

Well, all I can do now I guess is wait and see what happens, and try to be patient.

I have to say though, that he is generally slightly less stressed now so he's behaving slightly better at home. And I'm seeing more of the boy I like, as well as love.

Ooh I hope this is the beginning of better times for you and your son. You are doing great.

Is there any mentoring social groups near you ? Maybe a male influence may calm him down or just be a voice of discipline ? Children & family action is one near us....just a thought.

You sound like you are doing really well, it is very hard on your own. Please don't think you are a bad mother, you sound like you have a lot on your plate at the moment and are still being positive, well done !

what's it like having him at home more often?

really hope things continue to get better

I felt exactly the same way with mine a couple of years ago, I even thought about putting him in care and having grown up in care myself and knowing the effects it has, that's saying something. As parents, we're only human - dealing with severe stress and upset is incredibly wearing and it's completely natural to run out of patience and hope when it's a constant thing and you can't see how it might change.

It sounds like CAMHs might be able to help, I hope things stay on track. One thing that's worth mentioning is that behavioural intervention has a much stronger change of working when the parent changes their perspective of the child. It's pretty common sense, obviously a child won't keep trying to improve their behaviour if the parent responds to them the same way they did when they were misbehaving. From what you've said it sounds like you're really seeing him more positively now, but it's worth pointing out that really focusing on the effort he's making and finding a way to let those feelings of frustration that have built up go will really help keep things on track.

You're not a bad mother - otherwise it would not upset you so much! Keep on loving your children as much as possible, and don't feel bad about losing your temper with him, I believe kids need to see that we are humand too. We all fight and get angry, it's what comes afterwards (forgiveness, talking about it, saying sorry) that counts. Hope you get a lot of help!