What is it like to be a Mum today?

[Bee111]

Hello

I am a 20 year old anthropology student in St Andrews.
I am currently doing research about mothers lives today, I would be so grateful for any comments.

I am interested in the day to day life of a mother.
Who are the people who make up a mothers network of relations?
What are Mothers priorities?
What is a day in a Mum's life like?
Who are the people which Mums rely on?

I have spent a long time being a nanny, so I can understand how encompassing the role of a Mum is. But I need as many views and opinions as possible. I would really appreciate any comments.

Thank you

Have you tried setting up a questionnaire on SurveyMonkey?

In order

Network of relations - I have a mother and father in law only. Getting help from them is like pulling teeth.I have a brother in law 90 miles away who is an alcoholic. I strongly suspect I'm not typical.

My priorities are feeding my children 'proper' home cooked food and making sure they are happy and healthy. I want them to get good amounts of sleep, not watch too much telly and be raised with proper manners. I believe in eating together as a family at the table.

A day in my life starts at 7am. I wash, dress and feed the children. I do the school run at 8.45am (or go to work at 8am three days a week). When I go to work, I drive the children to school and nursery beforehand. I have a cleaner once a week so I don't do any ironing. I take the little one to playgroup, I do the shopping, I collect the older child at 3pm. I make the children a snack at 3.30pm (ish) and dinner at 5.15pm (ish). I take the elder child to activities two evenings a week (5.15pm). The children are bathed every night, they each have a story and either a song or a little chat. Lights go out at 7pm, I make dinner, empty the lunchbox, make tomorrow's sandwiches and clear up. I sit down with a glass of wine at about 9pm and go to bed bout 11.30

I rely most on paid childcare/link club. Some fo the mums at school have become friends and I know I can count on their help if I need it.

HTH

Who are the people who make up a mothers network of relations?
My parents are brilliant with my son (18 months), they look after him while I work 19 hours a week (although on pregnancy-related sick at the minute) and they're my main point of contact for babysitting. I pop round there a few times a week and often go shopping with them too. They enjoy taking DS out and spending time with him. My youngest brother (10yrs) regularly plays with DS, my other two brothers and their partners also like to spend time with him and are a big help too. My father-in-law and step-father-in-law aren't in the best of health but see DS whenever they can and love to be with him.

Mother-in-law and her current partner are all for their other grandson and haven't bothered with DS in almost six months. At some point they will show up on my doorstep like they've never been away and will expect a warm welcome. When DS doesn't recognise them and gets tearful if they try to hug him or pick him up it's not because they never spend time with him, it's because I've turned him against them. This is normal behaviour for them and we get zero support or help from them. Same goes for sister-in-law and her husband.

What are Mothers priorities?
My priority is spending quality time with my son and giving him an enjoyable childhood. I'm haunted by my husband telling me that he has no happy memories of his childhood yet I have nothing but good memories of mine. Teaching the rules is also a priority right now as my son is starting to test the boundaries to see how far he can go in terms of his behaviour. Some days are better than others for this depending on his mood and receptiveness.

What is a day in a Mum's life like?
I'm on sick at the moment so I wake up when my son does, any time between 7am and 9am. I get dressed and we play silly games while I'm doing this (he likes to have a turn at brushing my teeth for me and loves fetching my clothes if I point to what I want). We have breakfast together at the kitchen table and both have the same thing. Afterwards we cuddle on the sofa while he has a sippy cup of milk then I wash him, brush his teeth and dress him.

Housework depends in the weather and what I've got going on so might include putting clothes on the line to dry or in the tumble drier (laundry is a daily thing), doing any dishes that are in the sink, or vacuuming. I dust on alternate days and mop the kitchen/bathroom floors alternate days. The rest of the jobs are on an as and when they need it basis such as emptying the bin or doing the inside of the windows (the window cleaner does the outside). My husband does a lot of it right now because he likes me to take it easy when I'm pregnant.

We might go out for the day (I'm rarely at home) to my parents house or soft play or to see friends, the park, the library, the shops, etc. We have lunch between 12 and 1 and DS has a little nap afterwards. If we're at home I use this time to read or watch TV, sometimes I nap too if I'm very tired (that preggy thing again). If we've been out then we usually get home around 3 o'clock and I start dinner. We then play for a bit and watch some CBeebies.

DH gets home around 5:30, we have dinner around the table and then he has some play time with DS. At 7 o'clock we go upstairs for DS bathtime followed by bed at 7:30, he doesn't come back down until morning even if he wakes up. Hubby and I chill out watching TV, reading, and chatting, and go to bed between 11 and midnight.

Who are the people which Mums rely on?
I rely on my family and my friends

Ok I'm a mum of a three month old so I guess all my priorities are seeing to her basic needs asap like feeding, changing, sleeping etc.

I would say maybe my biggest priority to date has been to ensure I can maintain exclusive breastfeeding for as long as she needs it to give her the best start in life possible. Also trying to make sure I spend as much time as possible interacting with her, cuddling, kissing, playing, reading stories etc.

My network of support is primarily my husband who is at home with us and works fulltime. I also have my family who live about 70 miles away and his who live abroard. I am beginning to build up a few more mum-friends in my network who I have met through baby groups.

What's it like being a mum today?
Slightly harder than yesterday but easier than tomorrow.

Hi
Network of relations -I'm a stay at home mum. My husband and our son 3.5yrs and our daughter 2yrs live together. My parents live 200miles away but we see them roughly every 6wks. when they will take over the majority of my responsabilities and give me a break. Though the children are very clingy at times so only mummy will do. Especially at bed time. Mother in law comes very 2mths or so and is good company.

Mothers priorities - My priorities are that the children sleep well, eat a healthy balance of food and feel loved and have lots of fun. Also have to focus on the state of the house as DH works very hard and my jobs (as well as child care) are the house work/cooking. Not easy to do it all and I fail every day in some small way.

Average day - Routine, frustration, bordom, pure joy, unique moments to be treasured.

Who do I rely on - My parents and my friends and my husband if he's not too busy. Couldn't live with out mates. To be able to share everything with fellow mums who know where I'm coming from is invaluable.

If you do a proper survey (eg. on survey monkey) you will find you have a lot of responses, can ask lots of specific questions and gather empirical data for your research.

I would be happy to fill out a survey, but these questions are too woolly for me to answer properly, sorry.

Network..i dont have any one. I have lots of family who all live within 20 minutes of me, but none of them are interested nor supportive, so no one. Do have ahusband though so we have each other.

Priorities are to ensure that all normal requirements of living are met (eating sleeping drinking cleansing etc) then that i provide a stable, happy, regular consistant life for my child. He comes first in my mind, no matter what i am thinking in the day.
i work full time so, drop off at school, raz to work, very very busy highly stressed work day, then pick up, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, meal planning all crammed into each day.

I have no one (other than dh) to rely on, so i rely on us. After school clubs and holiday clubs at local sports centre. I couldnt work full time without these.
I have great frineds all of whom are mothers themslves, i do not have friends who are childless.

I love it, but its a fine tuned exsistance that is getting much easier as ds gets older. I never seem to pause for breath, but am never lonely or bored!

For us, we did everything "for us" prior to havng kids, fantastic holidays, bought and renovated our lovely house, got our careers up and running, saved up and became financially secure so pretty much, we have done everything we wanted to do in order to provide this life for us and our child.
If that makes sense

Thank you so much for putting in the time to tell me about your experiences. Its really interesting. I would love to hear anything else!

I have thought about setting up a survey on 'survey monkey' or something similar. But I want the information that I get and use to come from Mums themselves. What they think is a big part of their lives etc... I do not want to ask really specific questions, its what Mums think about day to day which is interesting. And no one is the same, therefore no one question fits all. That all sounds a bit vague, I hope it makes sense.

However here are some more guidelines.
How you feel before you became a mother and how you feel now?
Challenges faced by mums.
Where do you get help, if you need it?
Is it what you thought it would be?
And of course any other tips of anecdotes would be great.

Thank you so much again!

Being a mum is great! Absolutely love my kids but never realised before how hard and tiring it would be. Not just sleepless nights but constantly being switched on and having to plan every eventuality into your day.

Expectations of becoming a mum are very high I think, especially with the whole 'yummy mummy' concept. I want to have kids, look good, be stylish and have a social life (not always easy). Like everything there are good and bad days. I get a lot of my support from my parents,they live nearby and although work full time will help out on weekends, and I live going round there for a cup of tea while the kids play (they have their own toys there). I also enjoy my girls nights out, either with baby friends, or with pre-baby friends. It's a chance to be 'me' and not just mummy. It's nice to talk to people you meet without instantly being defined by being a mum.

I'm a SAHM which Im really glad about I've been able to do this-I always wanted to be at home to see my kids grow up. Although some days are hard, I wouldn't change it for the world.

I think reading on here should give you a good overview, and also show you that there all creeds and circumstances out there.

I don't really have time to give you in-depth answers but I think I could broadly say that we all take parenting very seriously these days, probably too much so at times; that we all judge and feel judged quite frequently because there are some quite different schools of thought out there with some depth of feeling behind each one; that many of us very much mourn the old ways of rearing a child within a broader family and community.. Our way can be lonely..

personally I am very happy as a mother.. But I do feel that it is a strain.. We are a transitional generation.. It's not enough to be just a Mum any more and society puts a lot of pressure on us..

Ok.. A wee bit more.. Help.. I have to pay for.. And it doesn't come cheap.

Expectations beforehand are often a lot about maintaining the old me and the couple whilst loving and nurturing the new addition to the family..nobody can tell you how hard that is.. Or how well you eventually adapt..

My friends are my support network-they help me in a way my family never has

My priorities are that my children ae secure and happy, and are trying their best at everything

A day can be like a hamster wheel of drudgery and boredom, listening to my children wax on about things I have no interest in while I smile and nod

OR it can be a delight

I agree with those who say we secon guess ourselves too much and a mothers instinct is sommething some women feel scared to rely on. Not listening to others views is crucial, unless you've asked for them

Priorities.. (excuse the bit by bit.. Multitasking here ) are that my children are secure and happy, that they feel loved, that they are confident.. That they re healthy, obviously.. That they learn and enjoy learning.. That they don't overdo the tv watching and that they spend a lot of time outdoors.. That they are sociable nd know how to behave in different social situations..

as Cyb said, friends are a lifeline.. Even just for small things like sitting with the. While I dash to the shops in the rain or take one to the doctors' in the middle of the other one's nap.. At night I really do have to pay a babysitter.. Although my ILs had loada of help themselves when their own kids were little.. [hmm ]

Who are the people who make up a mothers network of relations?

Mum friends from the children's earlier years or mums at the school gate. Little help from relatives.

What are Mothers priorities?

They are getting a good education and that means we live in a house I don't like very much, in the catchment of an outstanding primary state school. Our next house will depend on schools too. The supper, bedtime, homework routine seems to take for ever but they eat well (food cooked primarily from scratch, bath each day, school reading etc).
They can do whatever after school activities they want, but don't get pressured to do so. Zero pressure to do well at school as they are at a very good school and we trust them to try hard.
Good outdoor getting muddy stuff (when we can face de-mudding them), some TV, computer games etc). I strongly believe they need down-time doing rubbishy things, just like DH and I do!

What is a day in a Mum's life like?
Busy!

Who are the people which Mums rely on?

Occasional babysitter. Friends very very occasionally. Mainly ourselves.

My DS is one year old, I'm a SAHM and plan to be for at least another year - then work p/t.

Who are the people who make up a mothers network of relations?

My husband is the most important. He works from home so helps out frequently throughout the day ie - sits with DS if I'm cooking or bathing or doing housework.

What are Mothers priorities?

My main priority is for DS to feel happy and secure. I make sure that we go out and do different things every day - go to different groups (storytime, singing, one o'clock club, baby gym etc) and parks and see other mums and babies of a similar age.

I also like him to eat well and cook about 50% of his meals from scratch - prepared meals that I buy are good quality organic ones. I try to make sure he gets the right balance of protein, dairy, fruit + veg, carbs etc.

What is a day in a Mum's life like?

Usually wake up between 6-7, get DS from cot and BF in bed, go downstairs in pyjamas and play for half an hour then breakfast for DS of porridge and then a fruit fromage frais, have a quick walk in the local park, feed the ducks and go on the swings, come back and breastfeed him before morning nap. While he naps I'll prepare some lunch if I'm cooking - maybe fry some onions and veg and add chopped tomatoes to make a pasta sauce and do some meatballs to go with. Or I'll sort some laundry and put it in the machine (and go on mumsnet) lunch is at anytime between 12-1 depending on what we're doing. After lunch maybe play for a bit more then afternoon nap is 2-3ish(which will either be in his cot or in his pram while we're out walking) and then see people either at an organised group or socially. Then dinner at 5 - wind down with bath and books and breastfeed him on the sofa in his room and put him in his cot and hope he'll stay there for the night.

After he's gone to bed, wash up, have a glass of wine, watch TV or go on the internet. Have dinner with DH. Try to get into bed by 9 but fail. Get woken up at least once and have to resettle DS.

Who are the people on which mums rely?

Mainly my DH for actual help and support and other mums for a social life and advice. My mother was a great help when we were all ill with a tummy bug, coming round and looking after DS and cooking for us. She takes DS out for walks about one or two hours a week.

Also meant to say in priorities - a big one is just being present there while he plays - watching and commenting but not getting in the way and not trying to lead how he plays and what he plays with.

Being a mum today is all about guilt. Every choice you make is wrong to someone. You have to find your way through the minefield of guilt-filled choices to find what works for you and your family. Then you have to be ready to justify your choice to everyone who judges you.

There's a lot more to it as well, obviously. :) I just feel that the guilt looms larger for mothers today than perhaps it did for previous generations.

I work full time (big job, long hours) and my DH is a full time SAHD to our two DDs aged 2 and 3. I have found that this is becoming more and more like what it is to be a mum today as many of my friends are professionals working full time and either sharing parenting with fathers or having extraordinary childcare arrangements.
We did this because, like a lot of my friends, I earn more money and my DH's job wouldn;t have even paid the mortgage when we had our first DD if I'd have given up work.
I am in awe every day of his amazing ability to be a fabulous parent to two girls - his resourcefulness, bravery at going to yet another parenting group dominated by women that ignore him, and his patience. My girls adore him, and at the weekend - they just want Mummy.
We've had a traumatic time working this out, with DH feeling jealous of the "Mummy focus" that exists when I'm around, and me being jealous every day when I leave for work and have to kiss them goodbye knowing that they will be asleep when I get home.
It's quite a different experience to that of friends who are SAHMs with fathers who work long hours, and I am fascinated with observing how our girls grow and develop now and through the rest of their lives. I guess it's relatively unchartered territory as to what impacts this will have on their lives and relationships with us and others in their futures, but I am honoured to be in a position to watch this emerge.
Like the prevous post - my "Mummy" experience is littered with guilt - I ride that train all the time, but also with other emotions that are probably familar to every mother whatever, wherever. Fear, concern, worry, anxiety, but also pride and love. It's a wonderful combination.
I'd love to see and hear more about full time working mothers with full time SAHDs, but you don't. Even the titles of classes are Mummy oriented "Music with Mummy" etc, and I get cross at the typical politician, broadcaster, journalist etc who speak out as if women acting as the breadwinner still doesn't exist.
This is modern motherhood.

Forgot to add, I am also older than many mothers would have been a generation ago. We didn't start having children until I was 36, then one at 38 and one at 41.

I'm another mother with a SAHD in the mix. I don't really consider that my life is predominantly driven by the fact I am a mother, any more than my colleagues who are parents, it's just a part of who I am. Perhaps that's because my children are now 10 and 11, maybe it's because I am more hands off, or that parenting right now is not very stressful.

I'm not really sure what a 'network of relations' is. My relations are my relations, and as we moved abroad, they are the people I talk to on the phone mostly.

My priorities at the moment are getting a promotion so we have more money and so my job is more satisfying. For the children that they do well at school and they have good friends (but at their ages these are mostly their own responsibilities with our guidance). For us as a family that we get on well and have fun.

My daily life is fairly relaxed, I get up as late as possible and go to work. After work I relax, chat with the children, read a book, play video games with the children, pick/drop the children off at various activities, eat supper (mostly cooked by dh, sometimes by me or the children), walk the dog, relax some more, mumsnet and go to bed too late. In the summer I will also do lots of gardening and make excessive amount of jam.

I rely on dh. We rely on our friends and each other.

This mothers life today was all about how I couldn't wait till bedtime. Great way to start the day. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to answer your questions better. Right now, I'm off to bed.

Network - my sister in law (who's daughter is 4 months older than DD) - we share looking after each other's kids which takes the load off. My MIL/FIL also look after them regularly. My sister lives locally and will take them out for a couple of hours on the weekend (and comes swimming etc with me and the girls when DH is working). I help run a toddler group twice a week (including termtimes which helps a lot) and also have a few friends from school who have children similar ages. Think I'm really lucky to have so much help and support. Also DH works at home so is there to help take the pressure off when the kids (2 and 3) are screaming the house down!

My priorities are trying to make sure my children grow up to be rounded, loved, nice human beings. Also to make sure DH is ok (he works hard and I want to support him), and to have enough time for myself ever once in a while.

I completely agree with a PP that motherhood is all about the guilt. Overwhelmingly having kids is brilliant - I can't wait to watch them grow up and develop, I'm so proud of their achievements and being loved unconditionally by little people you think are fabulous is the best thing in the world. I'm so proud of the way they love their extended family and I love being able to bring that to their grandparents. However I think that these days (as opposed to when my parents had me), parents feel responsible for how their children end up as adults much more, and I worry all the time that anything I do now might have an adverse effect on them later. For instance, they're only 2 and 3 and have ok eating habits (not very adventurous but ok I guess), but I always worry that anything I may do might cause issues with their lifetime relationships with food. So if I say they have to eat all their tea before they can have pudding, are they going to grow up to be overeaters? Or if I let them eat jam sandwiches for lunch every day because they like them, will I have a 15 year old that only eats jam sandwiches? Or if I take a plate of food away after half an hour because they haven't eaten it, are they going to end up obese? My latest is that if we don't eat proper meals as a family all the time, how will they learn to use a knife and fork properly and people will judge their poor table manners?! I know it's a bit ridiculous but you'r forever bombarded with people saying "as a child I was in this situation, so I turned out like this as an adult".

Also you feel guilty for not giving them enough attention, or for spoiling them when you do treat them. And really guilty for getting cross when they wee in their trousers/on the sofa/carpet for the 4th time that day. I never, ever thought before I had kids that the guilt would be so strong.

Also I never thought that being so knackered would last such a long time! You sort of assume that having a baby is hard work and of course there'll be sleepless nights, but I never expected to still be sleep deprived when my youngest was well over 2. It's the relentlessness of it all - I have to get up by 7.10 every single day, 365 days a year. We do occasionally (once a year?) go away on our own for a night or two but I actually can't remember the last time I had a lie-in in my own bed. Maybe about 18 months ago?

Having kids was an easy decision for me and DH as we both feel the same; I've always know I wanted to have them and as soon as I met DH I knew I wanted to have them with him. Both my sisters are married but just don't seem to hear their biological clock ticking, and I think if your hormones weren't telling you to do it it must be a hard decision whether to have kids or not. One of my sisters lives really close and they see my girls at their best and worse, so they know the realities of parenting and I think it puts them off! For us it's worth all the sacrifices because DH and I have always felt that it was something we needed to do, but if you don't feel that way (and you could take it or leave it really) I'm not sure why you'd do it. I can't wait to watch my girls grow up and for me it's one of the best things I ever did (second best behind marrying DH).

Gosh sorry think I went on a bit there...x

Marking my place, will come back later

Marking my place too, I need time to think about the questions. I think the OP is after a more qualitative type of data, which would be difficult to get using a survey - good on you OP if this is so, qualititative research is very underrated.

I'll be back.