I'm getting there but need ideas for what to do when DCs are cheeky or answer me back please?

[ImFab]

I have 3 of them doing it .

What ages are they, and what sort of comments do they come off with?

5.8
7.6
9.11

The youngest is saying he doesn't have to do as he is told/do as I say.
The middle one talks to me like she is in charge.
My oldest is just cheeky.

When ds was younger (he's 7 now) If I had to tell him off he would retort by saying "I don't love wuve you anymore!" A tip I got off a friends mum was to say " Oh that's a pity because I love you it's your behaviour I don't like!" I found the more I repeated this the more ds realised emotional blackmail wasn't going to work and it brought him out of his mood. He always ended up saying "I do love wuve you really". It's one of the best tips I was given when I became a mum and is a great way to stop back answering

Thanks for that tip Anngeree. My ds (5) says that we don't love him anymore, if we have to tell him. I will try that next time he says it.

sorry tell him off

I always tell mine I love them but don't like their behaviour. They don't listen.

I'm using lots of "I don't think so" and "That's a pity" and "Excuse me?" at the moment. That's to a 2y10m DS, but maybe it is sarcastic enough to work for older ones?

Ooo good ones. I don't think they get sarcasm yet so it might get me a result.

DH came home to find me sat in the car with the kids in the house. DS2 was refusing to do as he was told and I could not make him so went outside to have some calm down time.

My 4.5 yr old has really started with the attitude since starting school she can be so rude. I just used to ignore it but have now started to rise to it by telling her not to speak me to like that but she just ends up shouting at me then I lose my temper and shout back!!! Going to try to remain calm in future and show her I am not getting stressed by her attitude but she won't be getting a treat after tea!!

the you can't make me do... is fairly easy to deal with

you scream yes I blooming can and start dragging them places, rofl, ok I'm joking...tempting sometimes though

you say no, I can't make you, but if you don't do xyz you will be grounded/not be watching tv/playing whatever/going to/ insert appropriate punishment

it's your decision, you either do what I'm telling you to or choose to be grounded etc.

leave them to make the decision for a few minutes and then ask which they're going to do

and the important bit, cos they will more than likely try to not do what it is you're asking - follow through on the punishment

it works surprisingly well after they work out that you will do what you say

I often say 'we can do this the nice way or the hard way, which one would you prefer?'. The first few times, they picked the 'hard' way and I essentially made it the least fun thing I could manage and followed up with no treats/TV/books at bedtime etc. When they ask for the easy way and do as they're told then reward hugely with cuddles, treats etc. Seemed to work after a few tries!

I also find that the phrases my Mum used to overuse and I swore I'd never, ever say to my own kids often work a treat too...

Oh, yes, the hard way! Yesterday, DS ran away from me before I had locked the front door, and ignored my shouting STOP. So I dragged him back inside and told him he wasn't going to the park. He burst into tears, and it would have been a hellish afternoon for me if he hadn't agreed to "walk nicely". Once I had his agreement, we did go (phew), and he did walk nicely until the end, whereupon I had to pick him up and take him home (screaming again). I know it sounds as though there's a lot of relapsing going on, but he isn't yet 3, and I do think he is learning.

I think this hard way/easy way could work even better with an older child: if they see that you are willing to act against your own interests (e.g. sit at home with a screamer), rather than reward bad behaviour, they will have to respect that. After all, they aren't 'ard enough to deny/spite themselves to make a point (that, I believe, comes with the teenage years....).

DH uses Tabula's advice in school with the kids. They often say "you can't make me do my homework" or similar. DH just replies "you're right. I can't make you do it. But if you choose not to, I can give you detention/ extra homework." It doesn't always make them do it, but then DH lectures tells them during the detention that it was their own choices that put them there. So we use this tack with our DC which they respond to fairly well.

With regard to cheekiness, I've no idea. DD(9) speaks to me like a piece of poo sometimes and I do pick her up on it and ask her who she thinks she's talking to? But it doesn't stop her. I think it's the culture nowadays and it's difficult when they see their friends speaking to their parents in the same way. And now DS(6) is starting to copy. I would have been bounced off four walls if I'd spoken to either of my parents the way both DC speak to me sometimes!

DH is so much better than me. He told DS2 they were going to do it and was it going to be the easy or the hard way? He seems to know instinctively what to do.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Could DH "know instinctively" because he himself was a cheely little so-and-so when he was a child? Just a thought!

I meant "cheeky" (though "cheely" does sound charmingly dialectical!)

I get the impression dh was pretty good as a kid as his mother wouldn't have stood for any nonsense. I was very good as a child as I would be beaten if not and I was desperate for someone to love me.

Ds 9 gets pocket money and depending how rude/cheeky his is he either gets sent to his room or I fine him - he loves pocket money so just the threat of it usually works.

Yours is a sad reason to be good and "respectful". Your DH's reason was much nicer.

Mine are younger than yours, they are six and four. I have a zero tollerance policy on cheek and rudeness. If they get mouthy, they get sent out the room to sit on the front door mat, then they have to come back in and say sorry. Dont know how long this will work for, and yours are probably getting too big to sit on the mat!
Thing is, with mine, they know perfectly well how to ask delightfully nicely when they are trying to be irresistably cute to get what they want...so why not just do that every time?!

We use a naughty step but don't send them there for back chatting. Maybe we should. What to do when you are out in public though?

I would, for the back chat. Hopefully they will soon get fed up with being sent out.

Erm, when we are out, if I think they are going to get bored and therefore naughty, I remind them about what i do want to see and dont before we go. If they are hideous, it will bring some consequence while we are out (ie they wont get a comic or sweets or something else they want), or if we arent planning on treats while out anyway, then I might warn them on the first instance and if they do it again, I will take away something when we get home, like pudding, or playing on the Wii or something else.

Step it is for back chat from now on.

Child one is asleep upstairs having spent last night at the inlaws. My other two slept here last night and are at the inlaws tonight. I need all my children in one place asap tomorrow.

My idea for the "acting as if they´re in charge" to explain to them how you honestly feel. I would calmly (and with a friendly smile) say something like "You are bossing me about. I don´t like being told what to do. I can choose for myself what to do". A friend of mine has two kids and when they were 6 and 8 we all went out with another (adult) friend of ours who was wearing flip flops to walk around the city centre. The two children instantly started "it´s not fair, we aren´t allowed to wear flip flops except for at the beach, nag nag nag". The friend wearing the flip flops (a paediatrician, incidentally) replied "well, I´m my own boss!, that´s why I can wear the flip flops", with a big grin on his face. Their mum then stepped in with a big grin on her face "and I´m your boss! That´s why you can´t yet wear flip flops" and the kids were satisfied! I think a smile on your face and an honest explanation of the situation can get you a long way because the kids feel taken seriously... and after all, you have only explained to them truthfully why things are as they are.

Mine tell me they don't love me any more.

I reply "I don't care. It's still bed time."