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Parenting

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Original poster

Irrational or normal? I'm terrified of my DS dying.

30 replies

LaTristesse · 08/02/2011 15:36

My DS is 11mo now and I just can't get away from thoughts of him dying. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him, he's healthy and happy, and I know it's probably because it's the thing I fear most that I think about it so much, but is this normal? Do other parents worry about this so much?

My MiL lost a baby to cot death when she was 10mo so until DS reached that point I was always thinking the same would happen to him. Now we're past that but I still can't shake these thoughts. I'm also going back to work when he's a year old and in my head it's become like I'm going to lose him then, rather than just have reduced time with him.
Am I mad? Do I need some kind of help? Or is this normal?

Sorry to bleat on when some people have real problems, I just need to know if it's just me... Thanks.

OP posts:

MassiveKnob · 08/02/2011 15:38

Not just you. I think there are a great many of us, if not all, at some time who have these hideous waves of horror that something will happen to our dc.

I just presume it is being a mum.

I have woken in a sweat in the night and had to get up and go and check on the dc.

belindarose · 08/02/2011 15:41

I'm just the same. Realised it was much worse when I was tired. Now DD sleeps better, and I do, I don't get these thoughts anywhere near as much (hardly ever). Do you get enough sleep? Mine was really broken until she was 15 months - up every couple of hours for a feed or settle somehow. Now 18 months and much better.

coldtits · 08/02/2011 15:41

It's a bit of both, really. Both normal and irrational. I sometimes play out whole scenes in which one of my children is gone, and how I would hold myself together in the aftermath. In a way it's worse with two - suicide not an option because of the other child.

I deal with it by going to look at them in their beds, that they are THERE and real and only asleep.

If it's stopping you sleeping regularly, it comes under the heading of unwelcome thoughts. Try to distract yourself - snap an elastic band on your wrist. If this doesn't help, I think you should go to the doctor and tell him/her what the problem is.

coldtits · 08/02/2011 15:42

Should say - mine are 4 and 7 YEARS old!

trixymalixy · 08/02/2011 15:43

Marking my place as I also suffer with thoughts like these.

youretheoneformefatty · 08/02/2011 15:45

When I had PND with my firstborn, I convinced myself that he would contract a terminal illness and never make it to his 6th birthday. (this feels hideous to even type)Hence his early years have seemed a bit like a ticking timebomb. He's 4 yo now. i have no idea why my brain decided on this particular birthday and I KNOW it's completely irrational but even though the PND is no longer an issue, theres a little nagging voice in my head when I'm really tired or get a bit down. So no, I don't think you're alone and I think it's part of parenting. It's just that some of us tend to take things to extremes.

Original poster

LaTristesse · 08/02/2011 15:56

Thanks so much for your replies - they're very reassuring to read, although I'm getting a bit tearful reading them - it's such a responsibility isn't it!

I'm very glad it's not just me, and Belindarose you might be onto something with the sleep thing - DS is a poor sleeper at the best of times, and I deal with his sleeping myself rather than DH getting involved, so yes, that could be a large factor!

My way of reassuring myself is to become fixated with the little ticker on our Angelcare monitor - all the time it's ticking he's still breathing... (Because he's a poor sleeper I don't like to actually go into his room in case I disturb him).

I was never very maternal before DS arrived, and I can't believe how much I loved him, right from the off. I guess I'm just still pretty overwhelmed.

Thanks again for replying ladies. Here's some to share round!

OP posts:

Anngeree · 09/02/2011 22:29

Glad I read this thread when ds was younger I had this overwhelming fear of losing him:( not just him dying though I used to have dreams about leaving him on a train or at the train station and not being able to get back to him:( As he's got older (7yo now) I don't get these dreams as often and feel a lot calmer.

I never really spoke to anyone about it as I thought they'd think me paranoid I never really thought it would be normal to feel this way!

I used to go and check on him when he was younger and started sleeping in his own bed to make sure he was breathing I stopped doing this for a long time but he's been quite poorly for the last 3mths (Nothing life threatening) and I started to go and check that he was breathing again.

I've had to stop that again in the last few days though as ds told me he was having 'dreams' that someone was touching his back and poking him and it made him feel frightened Needless to say I had to explain it wasn't a dream it was mum checking on him and nothing to be frightened of!

Now I check on him approx 15mins after he goes to bed then again before I go to bed and that's it until the morning unless he cries or makes his way to my room.

Sarahlou8 · 09/02/2011 22:40

I think it's normal.

I am paranoid about my two older children dropping DD (15 wks) on our tiled kitchen floor, or dropping her when they carry her downstairs.

I worry when she doesn't wake in the night for a feed, so much so that I insisted we have a video monitor as opposed to a sound-only one. I find that really reassuring.

I went to get petrol from Tesco yesterday and while I was queueing to pay a transit van blocked my view of my car, with DD asleep in her car seat on the back seat. It REALLY unsettled me and I was imagining all sorts - someone opening my passenger door and taking her/driving off and me being unable to do anything. Awful thoughts, and all in a split second.

I suppose it's just protective mothering instinct. I was exactly the same with my other two. Friends have said they feel the same when we've talked about it.

Hassled · 09/02/2011 22:44

It's very very common. I still suffer from it - have done for years. I guess it's not all mothers, it's probably just mothers already predisposed to anxiety, the people who are already natural worriers. And certainly I worry more about the DCs when I'm stressed about other stuff - when I'm relaxed it's less of a problem. But I still have hideous nightmare scenarios in my head sometimes re DS1 and he's 23 .

missmakesstuff · 09/02/2011 22:48

I remember posting a 'Am I normal' post, as I constantly had thoughts like this, and more regularly, thoughts about myself dying, having an accident, and leaving DD alone in the house, or helpless in some way. I think its really normal, its just all the responsibility, and tiredness really plays a part, for me anyway. I still have the thoughts, flashes of anxiety, but I can pretty quickly dismiss them now. I am getting more sleep - DD is sleeping through, but now that means I have anxiety until we go to get her up in the morning!

Theonlyexception · 09/02/2011 22:51

I get really paranoid about my ds who is 2. He often plays in his bedroom while I am cleaning upstairs and I can't relax because I keep picturing him pulling his wardrobe down onto himself and being crushed by it or trying to climb up the bookcase and it falling on him :(. I also worry he might discover how to open his window and try to climb out of it.I feel sick even typing this :(

OnEdge · 09/02/2011 22:53

Yes I am like this too. It is sad. I do have breathing alarms under the youngest two at night otherwise i wouldn't sleep. I just think that if there was a problem we would be alerted to it in 20 seconds and may be able to help them. This helps me a lot, gives me confidence.

Mine are 3, 18m and 5m.

MrsSeanBean · 09/02/2011 23:02

I am naturally anxious and feel this way. When DS was in the pushchair I would rehearse all sorts of scenarios of what to do if car veered off pavement and hit him etc.
I won't let him walk by canal or harbourside etc if we are alone (just me and him) as I am not a strong enough swimmer to rescue him if he fell in. I try to avoid potential dangers, sometimes a bit extreme I feel. It's hard to imagine before you have DC, but he is my entire life now and as coldtits said, I struggle to imagine how I would cope if anthing happened to him.

I can also get quite worked up about what I would do if someone (ie a criminal) ever hurt him and how I would exact retribution...

Theonlyexception · 09/02/2011 23:12

Ok I don't know if this is the right place to ask this, but it seems we are all like minded people when it comes to safety issues so here goes.

Do you think it's dangerous of me to let my 2 year old play in his room, and what is the risk of furniture falling on him etc?? I just don't know where else to put him when I'm doing housework upstairs. I wish he was still at the age where he could go in a travel cot! sorry if it's a bit out of turn me hijacking the thread to ask!

StealthPolarBear · 09/02/2011 23:16

It really depends on his room! The chances of a cot falling on him are miniscule, but if you have a high, wobbly bookcase in there then a bit riskier!
TBH I think the 2 main risks in DCs' rooms tend to be:

them pulling drawers out onto their fingers or toes
then climbing, and getting out of the window (something I did worry about last summer as DS's windows open very wide).

StealthPolarBear · 09/02/2011 23:19

MrsSB your post has brought back memories! I work on the same (very fast) road as the DCs' nursery is on and even though the nursery is set back from the road about 200m, I regularly rehearse what I would do if, driving past at 60mph I saw that one of them had managed to wander to the edge of the road. Obviously it involves an emergency stop, then possibly climbing over to get to the pavement side of the car, then grabbing onto whichever bit of them I can and if I can't actually yank them into the car, screaming for help!

tattycoram · 09/02/2011 23:20

We've got our toy storage Ikea thingy secured to the wall - I think the greatest danger is dcs pulling furniture over and onto them. Otherwise, if windows are secure then I think it's fine

Theonlyexception · 09/02/2011 23:41

We've tried to put safety straps onto his furniture but for some reason our walls are really difficult to drill into and dh couldn't do it. So his bookshelf has one safety strap on it but wardrobe and chest of drawers don't. The chest of drawers is really sturdy so it's mainly the wardrobe I'm worried about. I'm scared he might try to climb on it and it will fall onto him. The window is one of those where you have to pull the handle round to open it but theres no way of properly locking it for good, I don't think he'd be able to open it but I'm always thinking 'what if?'. Oh dear, maybe I shouldn't be letting him play in his bedroom after all :(

nickschick · 09/02/2011 23:48

I am the same with my dc and check on them during the night ....not so bad you might think?? one of them is 17 and I still check on him.

I worry myself terribly over their safety .

For me I think its because I lost my Mum when I was 11 and I have a huge gap in my heart without her and suddenly sometimes I think 'im not going to be this lucky foreber' and get all panicky it also was worsened when a schoolfriend of ds got killed ....ever since then Ive been a total ratbag about road safety Ds1 the 17 year old always says to his mates if we are walking anywhere ...just dont cross til she says you can - shes a bit psycho over roads ...thats vvv isnt it?

I have PTSD I think I used to think it was an over reaction on the Gps part but as I get older my dc are realising its not a control freakery thing I just cant help it.

CheeseandGherkins · 09/02/2011 23:51

I've always been like that and though the same when I was pregnant, had a stillbirth at 37 weeks just 9 weeks ago :( I check my dcs every night and when they were babies I was even worse, I used to dread anything happening.

nickschick · 09/02/2011 23:58

cheese im sorry for you .

sfxmum · 09/02/2011 23:59

I would say my worst fear is surviving my child, followed by fear of her ever suffering in any way shape of form or me dying before she can be big enough to not really need me

but heck that is being a parent

however you can't control everything, you can only protected them so much and it is best to just love them and enjoy them as much as you can, time flies and it is best to just live it as best as you can

but I still go check if she is breathing in the night from time to time and worry like crazy when she is away from me and away from her usual routines in the care of people I trust but aren't me or dh

sfxmum · 10/02/2011 00:03

nickschick I can really identify with what you say particularly regarding losing a parent when young, the possibility of loss is very very real from then on and it sometimes feel 'insecure' that one can be happy without tragedy striking

Morloth · 10/02/2011 04:40

I think everyone has this sometimes, mine is worse if I have had caffeine in the PM I just lie there and get really anxious thinking about all the horrible things that could happen.

I also sometimes think it is all too good and has been for so long. I have a lot to lose so worry about it a lot.

I try to just let it go though, accept that I do the best I can and leave the rest to fate.

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