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Parenting

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Original poster

If you are a SAHM do you get to really enjoy you DC??

35 replies

drivinmecrazy · 08/02/2011 13:20

We are a fairly conventional family, DH goes to work and earns a decent (though not excessive) wage and I stay at home and run the household.
We have 2 girls (10&5) who I feel I hardly get to enjoy. When DH finishes work he can come home and have fun with the girls while I make dinner, make sure all is ready for next day and generally put the house back together. Week-ends, I run them to ballet on a Saturday and usually get home about 3 by which time DH is home. He can then switch off and have fun, taking them out or watching a film with them, playing a game or reading to them (all the things I would love to do).
I just feel that my role is to facilitate an easier life for all, but I don't get any clocking off time.
I know my DH works really hard but I do too. My job is 7 days a week, at least 12 hours a day. I see my girls blooming, and get such lovely comments about their behaviour and characters, I take great joy and pride in that but never feel I can sit back and really enjoy who they are becoming and who I am helping them to be.
Am sure this is quite normal, but just yearn to switch off all other roles and just indulge in who they have become.
After re-reading this, I actually sound very churlish, but would love to know I am not alone in missing my children although my life is devoted to them.

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compo · 08/02/2011 13:23

You don't get any down time but your kids are at scho all day?
Why don't you go out with them to the cinema etc at the weekend?

NormanTheForeman · 08/02/2011 13:26

As your girls are 10 and 5, are they not at school during the day (in term times)? Is the problem that at evenings/weekends you have to do too much in the way of domestic chores?

I am a SAHM with a 10 year old, but he is at school. I do have to do a certain amount of domestic stuff in the evenings (e.g. cooking dinner, making sure he has everything ready for school next day), but I do still find time to be with him in the evenings, and quite a bit at weekends.

NormanTheForeman · 08/02/2011 13:29

Also, I tend to try and involve ds, e.g. he will help me with the cooking at weekends, so I feel I am spending time with him, even though I'm doing a chore. In fact I really love spending time doing those sort of things together.

But I get most of the basic cleaning, shopping etc done during the week when he's at school.

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Original poster

drivinmecrazy · 08/02/2011 13:34

When I have finished refereeing sibling fights, calmed down tired and hungry 5yo I do often take DD1 into kitchen with me while I cook dinner and she does homework (an amazing oasis of calm til truly jealous and demanding 5yo bursts in demanding mummy kisses her three times cos I've kissed DD1 twice)
Am begining to think maybe my girls are truly more demanding and me less capable than I thought.

OP posts:

walesblackbird · 08/02/2011 13:35

I'm a SAHM to three young children (9, 6 and 5) and tbh I'm finding life much easier now that they're getting older. My eldest has after school clubs on a couple of nights, rugby training one night, rugby on a Sunday and my daughter has swimming on a Saturday. Middly has special needs so doesn't do any after school activities.

My husband is either working away or not home until 7ish so I feed the children and get all their stuff read before gets home and utilise the slow cooker so there's food ready for when the kids have gone to bed.

Weekends are sacrosanct (apart from swimming and rugby). DH takes them while I prepare dinner for later and then we always do something together as family on a Sunday afternoon - even if it's just going for a long walk.

minimuffin · 08/02/2011 13:45

Your DH needs to give you some down-time. I am SAHM. I really relish all the time I get to spend with them - even the walk home from school and nursery where we dawdle and chat. I try to set time aside on weekdays to do stuff with them - this now only happens with DS2 who is 2 - i get decent one on one time with him, not so much with DS1 who is in school so i see where you're coming from with them both at school. I've actually found life has got much busier since DS1 started school, but I see far less of him - how does that work?!

But at weekends it's great - we go swimming Sat morning and then kind of take it in turns. One weekend I'll sit and watch a film with them afterwards, next one DH will do it. Kind of depends who is most tired. But makes me feel DH appreciates how hard I work in week and how much I also need time to just chill out with them and enjoy them. He often takes over shopping and cooking at weekends - can your DH do more on this front to give you your time with them?

SueWhite · 08/02/2011 13:47

But... you get down-time when they are at school? Every day, for 6-7 hours a day. I don't really understand why you feel like you have too much on. It sounds like it is just their behaviour that's bothering you, not the domestic tasks.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 08/02/2011 13:48

I am REALLY enjoying ds at this moment, he is asleep on my lap so I am getting cuddles and MNing in peace

seeker · 08/02/2011 13:54

How come your day is at leat 13 hours a day whe they are at school?

And why can't you do stuff with the girls and your dh when he gets home from work?

What do you do on Sundays?

Original poster

drivinmecrazy · 08/02/2011 13:55

Unfortunetly DH works 5 1/2 days a week and Saturday is spent waiting for DD2 to finsh ballet class for an hour, going home for 1 1/2 hours and taking DD1 dancing and waiting 2hrs (lessons are quite far from home as DD1 quite dedictated) so that is most of Saturday gone.
I actually spend quite a bit of time with 5yo as she is quite clingy and possesive of my time, but don't often get time to enjoy them both.
I do a karate class on monday evening which myself and DDs all do together but think this is the only time in the week I really have 'quality time' with them both. Getting even harder as DD1 is establishing her own life and often has sleep overs at her friends, or has friend here so doesn't want to spend time with us any way.
Just feel as if life sometimes sucks away all the basic things we can take joy from. Busy lives seem to leave no time just to sit back and enjoy the DC

OP posts:

compo · 08/02/2011 13:57

Do you home ed? Am baffled as to why you can't relax in the day

NormanTheForeman · 08/02/2011 13:59

What about Sundays though? I spend loooaaads of time with ds on Sundays. Ok, I still have to make meals, put a load of washing in etc, but there is plenty of time in between when I can spend time with him.

Maybe on Sundays you could get your dh to do something with one child, while you spend quality time with the other, and then swap round. That would solve the problem of sibling arguments etc (which I don't have, as I only have onechild).

SueWhite · 08/02/2011 13:59

That's real life, I'm afraid. You are already lucky that you don't work and therefore don't have housework etc. to do at weekends and evenings.

freshmint · 08/02/2011 14:00

you need to start making casseroles
if you did that when they were still at school dinner would be ready and when they are back you could enjoy them as well as your dh

and your dh needs to do a bit more at home on the weekends. if he is going to the cinema with them you should go to, or else leave him at home to make sunday supper while you take them

compo · 08/02/2011 14:00

If it's quality time withthem you're missing tonight when you pick them up from school go swimming altogether, or to the park, or to macdonalds or pizza hut
then have fun the three of you
prepare meals in the day so you can spend qualify time together after school, do all housework in the day too
a lot of people would envy your set up as when working have even less time as allchores have to be done in the evening

Original poster

drivinmecrazy · 08/02/2011 14:00

I feel shit now. Really need to review our time together. DD1 has lots of homework (11+) & dance practise, DD2 completely different character, time just seems to slip away during the week with not a lot achieved.
Am pleased their lives are so full, would just like to feel a part of it sometimes instead of the Captain of a ship, steering them all the right way but missing the journey

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 08/02/2011 14:00

aye, surely they are at school??

SueWhite · 08/02/2011 14:02

I really don't know why people are saying the H should do more - he already seems to work more than full-time hours (5 1/2 days a week) in order to earn the money for everyone to live on.

NormanTheForeman · 08/02/2011 14:09

I can see how evenings and Saturdays can be pretty busy and filled up with other stuff, but still can't see why you can't spend a significant amount of time with them on Sundays.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/02/2011 14:14

Why don't you cook the dinner in advance while they're at school? Then you would have a bit more time in the evenings.

On Saturday afternoons once your DH is home, what do you do? Because surely if he is taking them to the cinema, or whatever or just relaxing with them at home you can do that too?

Carrotsandcelery · 08/02/2011 14:17

I agree with compo. I know how you feel but there are things you can do to help yourself.
Prepare your evening meal during the day while the dcs are at school, even lay the table then if you have to but getting them involved and helping you would be far better.
Ask your dh to take on more of the work at the weekend.
Relax the amount of housework you are doing if it is taking up so much of your life.
Don't wait for a big stretch of time to start enjoying your kids.

The precious bits are the little car journey to dancing when you can chat to them, dusting the lounge together and chatting about daft things, the quick game of "Tummy Ache" or whatever in the half hour you have before X,Y or Z. Don't go on auto pilot waiting for the fun bit - make the little bits and bobs the fun bit.
It does them no good just to see you as a facilitator. A family is a team and they will have lots of fun helping you do stuff. You may have to adjust how well it is done or how fast it is done but that is not really that important. It is just the doing together that counts.
Teach them to cook with you, teach them to prepare their packed lunch with you, get them to do the dishes with you etc. Even homework and dance practise can be done with you involved. Sit and watch, comment on how she is doing, video her, have a go at it yourself, have a giggle about you trying to do it etc.
Good luck - it is a matter of attitude.

seeker · 08/02/2011 14:20

And can't dd either go or come home from dancing by herself?

I was always very conscious of ds having to habg around a lot for dd while she did things.

Which is why I make her come and watch him play football matches once or twice a month now, to try and redress the balance!

I don;'t think the op's dh should do more either - he works 5.5 days then seems to do loads with the children on the other 1.5 days.

Batch cook. Take aways. Casseroles.

minimuffin · 08/02/2011 14:21

I really understand what you mean drivinmecrazy. It's not a lack of downtime you're complaining about, it's the lack of time when DCs ARE around to be with them rather than just servicing their needs. I agree with whoever says just pick them up from school and then take them somewhere for tea. My best time with mine is when we're out of the house going to the park or to a cafe for tea - even the supermarket. At home you just get distracted with chores the whole time. Don't feel bad just do as you say and take a look at how you spend your time at the mo and what you can do differently. A friend of mine was one of 4 and her mum used to make them all sit round the table when they got in from school - she'd make a big pot of tea, put out biscuits, toast and cake etc and everyone sat round talking for half an hour or so about what they'd been up to. Any friends they had brought home just joined in. I LOVED going to her house!

NormanTheForeman · 08/02/2011 14:21

I agree with carrotsandcelery, you don't have to do "big stuff" for it to be quality time. The best times I have with ds are when we just have a silly conversation over the breakfast table, or have a laugh while chopping veg.

Original poster

drivinmecrazy · 08/02/2011 14:26

Fortunately we do all sit and eat together, and we really enjoy that time. Love the idea of taking them from school for a juice for an hour before we get home and back into the whirlwind.
Unfortunately we have to hang around for much of saturday cos dancing is 20 miles from home

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