Any advice for a new parent of 3 bereaved kids?

[henrysmate]

Hello All,

Huge post alert.

I'm new here, so I hope I've posted in the right place. I recently started looking after 3 gorgeous boys following the death of thier mother, my sister (dad isn't part of the picture and hasn't been for a long time). She died in September and the boys came to live with us the following week.

This has all been planned for a long time (she spent the last 4 years of her life battling cancer) and while both they and I were prepared by her for this big change, it's hitting us all rather hard. We've done all the legal stuff and have of course involved the local authorities, but I wondered if any of you experienced parents out there have any words of wisdom for me?

The boys are 11 and 8 (the youngest are twins) and I don't have any kids of my own, so all of a sudden I've got a ready-made, very sad and chaotic family, I think we're all finding it a bit overwhelming. My OH is being wonderful and I do have the support of the rest of the family, but sadly they don't live close by.

Apart from general parenting advice (NOW I know why mums have such big handbags...) - does anyone have any tips on handling grief? We're on the waiting list for some family counselling, but this could take anything up to six months apparently, that's just too long for little 'uns IMHO.

I've had to move them out of thier home and to a new town, a new school, the lot - which is hard enough for them, but on top of losing mum and yet another rejection from dad, they're just bereft and I feel like I'm failing them emotionally. The eldest boy in particular is taking it all very hard and just will not talk about anything, the funeral, missing his mum, nothing - and I'm starting to get really worried.

So, any advice would be really appreciated - thanks (and sorry again for the enormo-post).

sorry for your loss and theirs, there is a bereavement section on mumsnet, though it does deal with miscarriages and still births they maybe able to point you in the direction of the right groups , I can not think of the name right now but there is a group esp for your situation

don't forget yourself and your grief too not everyone wants to talk but make sure some of their mom's stuff is about photos etc and squirrel away some mementos even if not interested now may like her jewellry later

my child is much younger so no specific advice but my brother died when I was 18 ( he was 5) so understand a bit

best wishes

Sorry for your loss.

I would suggest you also talk it through with the new school, they might be able to refer you to a counsellor - who may even see them in school time. This is a lot to handle by yourself.

bereavement section is under talk then body & soul

try re-posting there

Sorry for your loss. I can recommend Winstons wish. They have a phone line to speak to an advisor and their website is very helpful.

Hi henrysmate, I'm really sorry about your sister. I've not been in your shoes, but you'll get some great support from MN.

RE the counselling, could you possibly afford a few private sessions while you're on the waiting list? Alternatively, are there any local charities to you provide bereavement counselling?

I'm so sorry for the death of your sister

It must be such a confusing time for all of you, and one which is going to take some getting used to.

Firstly - have you tried Winstons wish? It's a charity that deals specificly with children who have been bereaved, and as the children are at least seven years old, they should be able to help, even if it's only listening at the end of the phone. They can advise on counselling etc.

You could also try Christian Lewis Trus - they are a charity that deal specificly with children and cancer, wether they have cancer themselves, or have been bereaved through cancer. They can offer free counselling or play therapy sessions.

I can reccomend the CLT personally as they helped my DS a great deal when we lost my husband. At three, he was a little too young for Winstons Wish.

Is there an option of paying privately for counselling or play therapy? You could look in your area for someone who is BAC accredited and work from there.

Good luck with it all x

I have no advice but could not read your post and not comment. It is a wonderful thing you have done and I truly wish you all the best. xx

I am so sorry for your loss , was your sister connected to a hospice ? They normally have really good services that carry on long after .
Even if you have had to move the children to a different area they should be a good starting point in putting you in touch with the right people .

It must be hard that the eldest isn't willing to talk at the moment but it will come . I obviously don't know but I would have thought being twins the other two depend on each other a wee bit more and the eldest is trying to maybe be the "grown up"

It sounds like you are doing a good job and I really hope you find the right sort of help quickly . I do know that some bereavement services don't really have much to do with trying to help as such in the first 6 months as everything is just too raw and not yet ready to be worked through so this might be why they are saying you have to wait .

I've just had a little weep of gratitude - thanks for your kind words all. And sorry sarahtigh, I can see the section you refer to now, but I don't know how to re-post this so it's in the right place, I'll go figure that out in a minute.

I didn't know about Winston's Wish, that looks just the ticket - thanks so much from all of us for that recomendation x

Private counselling isn't an option for us at the moment, OH has had to give up work for a while so he can be around for school runs etc, so it's a bit tight for us at the moment, but I'll get in contact with WW tonight - thanks so much again.

Hi Henry,
as others have said, sorry for your loss. You sound like an amazing brother to have taken on her boys and care for them so well!
I too can recommend Winston's Wish. Can I also recommend Seasons for Growth - it's an educational group programme designed to help children deal with all kinds of loss and grief. Kids can only participate after a minimum of 6 months from the point of the bereavement however.
HTH and good luck!

Am sorry to hear of your loss too. It is a fantastic thing you have done and are doing. You sound very empathic and loving and am sure that in years to come they will be incredibly grateful that you were there for them.

I lost my father when i was 13, and my mother, lost in her own grief,found it very difficult to contemplate mine. When i look back now what would have helped was a sense that she could continue to 'hold on' to our individual needs and keep her head above the water so to speak, despite the pain. To continue to make rational, predictable decisions and to understand that children experience grief in different ways to adults at times. In essence i wanted to feel that eventually it would all be ok, and that she knew that too.

Its important to say that i don't think you have to hide your own grief - that's not always helpful. But show that you can grieve and function at the same time, as much as possible.

Its a big ask, i know, and as adult i look back and understand why it was so hard. I also know its not very practical advice, but just being there for them, constant, loyal and patient (with the odd moment of human failure here and there!) has so much potential to help see them through this. Use all the support you are offered and definitely ring Winston's wish too - I hear really good things about them.

Wishing you the very best of luck x

I would recommend Winstons Wish too. Best wishes to you all

I am very sorry to read your sad news about your sister, but hope that you and the boys will be able to get through this together. My very best wishes to you all. Take care.

Henrysmate, I love you already sweetheart and I never even met you. It is a wonderful thing you and you DH do, it is huge.. of course, but but you will heal and gel as a new family. Nobody seems to tell you it gets worse before it gets better - but if you are prepared mentally for that, then at least you will know that it is not all down.

i post a bit in bereavement it is full of wonderful folk who have powerful words, wise words, funny words, helpful words. Just copy your original post and paste it in. I will do it for you if you struggle - it would be a shame for you not to join those folk.

I hope you and your new team find your way. x

And it will all be all right - because you are willing to make it so.

I am full of admiration for you and your husband, and full of sorrow for your family. I lost my father when I was 8 and I think the most important thing that was missing for me was an acknowledgement of what had happened - but remember too that they are children and will cope in their own ways - play, laughter, distraction. The opportunity (but no pressure) to talk about their mum is important too - even just to say 'it's OK, I know you miss her, I do too'.

The suggestions already made are excellent and you are right to acknowledge that you (and they) will need help - you will be saving them all sorts of tangles and emotional difficulties down the line.

nomorelostweekends what you said chimed so exactly with my experience - I felt responsible for my mother's wellbeing (as she was so clearly not doing well at all for a very long time) and no-one acknowledged this or recognised that my attempts to be cheerful were to help her. In other words, I needed someone, gently, to help me grieve too.

So, so sorry for your loss, if you don't mind me saying so I think what you are doing is amazing.

I found the Winston's wish website really informative with lots of really good advice.

There is a part of the site which recommends books which are written for children in these situations, found these really helpful for DS1.

As previous poster mentioned the hospice caring for my Mum were great and offered free counselling to family which was pretty much immediate.

Hope this helps, sounds like your nephews are very very lucky to have you.

Very sorry for your loss, and very impressed that you are taking on a ready made family.

I think it is perhaps important to remember that the loss for your nephews is not just their mother, but their whole way of life, friends school etc. I would try and focus on that rather than the grief for your sister (I have seen my neice greiving for her father and it is different to an adults grief).

Can you get the boys involved in some clubs? Football, scouts, music groups. Anything really. And let them be the ones to tell their new friends about their loss. Sometimes in these circumstances it is nice to be among people who don't know your history and just treat you as being normal.

I'm not saying don't push for counciling, but don't treat it as the magic solution. I personally think that for many children councilling is counter productive (just my opinion).

Henry We lost my mum when I was 8 and my brother was 10 so a similar age to your boys.

My main advice from my personal experience would be to make sure the topic of 'mum' is never off limits. As they get older and the initial grief fades they will still have days where it hits them all over again. As a kid I needed to know that it was ok to talk about her whenever I wanted, even if it brought down the mood of the house/family.
Even donkeys years later I still like it when my Dad says 'your mum would have been proud' or 'she would have loved to have been here for this', it means the world to me.

My brother started wetting the bed really badly about a year after she died, which was said to be a delayed reaction to it. He struggled with that, especially when he started high school, he found it really embarrassing. He found that having some of her things as 'his' really helped. He had a necklace of hers which was fairly unisex which he wore all the time.

The other thing is to make sure that fun doesn't stop. It took years for me to understand that whilst I was sad, and felt utterly grief stricken, I could still have fun and that it is ok to have fun. It doesn't mean you miss your mum any less, I was still a kid and needed to play and have fun.

what a dificult time for your family and you are doing a wonderful thing for your family.

I would also post in adoption as some very experienced mothers post there who have lots of experience of providing a loving home for children, they may be able to help with advice and support.

Hi Henry. Just want to encourage you at such a difficult time and echo other's recommendations re Winston's Wish. Also, you may find that the children's school can provide you with contacts for counselling etc. Do keep in the loop with their teachers.

I became an instant Mum to twins in a different situation to yours but when I married their widowed father. They were babies when this happened but we have still made a real effort to talk to them about their Mum, what she was like, how she would have been proud of them etc etc. Photos and stories about her have proved particularly important to their understanding about loss.

Also really important to keep honest with them. Sharing the grief and acknowledging the strangeness and difficulty of your situation can only help you all come to terms with such enormous change.

But be encouraged. They are growing up in a secure and loving environment and that is perhaps the biggest gift you can give them and your sister. Keep talking, keep crying and keep loving. You are doing a great job.

Hi - so sorry for your loss. Its a massive change of circumstances. My brother moved in with us when he was 12.5 (Im 21 years older and have 3 dc's of my own under 4) My father has died of lung cancer and my mum is physically not as able having battled cancer herself.
Some of the advice given here is on the ball just keep in mind its a long road, but its not all bad. My brother (now 16) really only started talking to us in the last year or so. I think as he started to truly feel more at home and settled here he began to open up. It has taken a while for him to accept us as parent figures too. When their worlds are turned upside down its important to establish somewhere safe and secure and that takes time. My brother didnt like counselling and didnt like being forced to talk - we went with that and didnt force him which worked for us in the long run. We have little routines like tea when the wee ones are gone to bed etc and movie night together on a friday. For a long time we just filled it with day to day conversation. Now its the time he most likely to open up to me.
I found in the beginning when its all raw I really had to put my feelings on the back burner. If he wanted to talk I would of course empathise and tell him I felt the same but I tried to keep the focus on his feelings. I relied on my DH a lot to release my feelings in private.
Its slow going but ultimately very rewarding. Its a learning curve for everyone involved but with patience and a lot of talking you will get there. We had to find our own routines and I have had to own up to a few mistakes! but we are getting there. You have had a difficult few years and have been very brave and generous - the boys are lucky to have you! Best of luck to you all. x

Really sorry to hear of your loss. No experience of the bereavement side myself, but just on the instant parenting thing, what MammyG said about just talking and spending time together sounds like a great way to start - and talking about the hard stuff will only commune later. Also probably important that you and your Dh bot try to do thtis with all of the kids, because eac of them will form different relationships and could feel more comfortable with one of you than the other.

Also a book which is mentioned often on Mumsnet is 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' which could give you some useful tools.

Good luck!

also, you will need to think about how you are going to deal with discipline: grieving children can also be very naughty - and they need to know that you are constant and consistent and most importantly of all that you will still be there. They will struggle to accept your authority as their parent - possibly for some time to come. When they test you they are waiting to see if you will stay the course (I tested my mum all the time because unconsciously I thought that it was my fault that my father had died)

Henrysmate, I too think you're doing a wonderful thing for your nephews. It occurred to me that they may also be missing their friends and the things they used to do, especially the 11-year-old, and I wonder if they still keep in touch with them. It could be that it's too painful for them to go back to their old town or alternatively you may have already done it, but I'd guess that the oldest could feel more at ease with his friends that he's known for years and might even be able to open up to them - or possibly their mums/a trusted scout leader or the like.

I know he's officially too young for Facebook but could he speak to his old friends through something like MSN if he doesn't already? Could he pay a visit to one at half term? Another fact about going to a new school is that the children there haven't any shared memories and so it would be extra-hard for your nephews to speak to them about their mum or for those children to have any inkling of what they've been through.