Any advice for a new parent of 3 bereaved kids?

[henrysmate]

Hello All,

Huge post alert.

I'm new here, so I hope I've posted in the right place. I recently started looking after 3 gorgeous boys following the death of thier mother, my sister (dad isn't part of the picture and hasn't been for a long time). She died in September and the boys came to live with us the following week.

This has all been planned for a long time (she spent the last 4 years of her life battling cancer) and while both they and I were prepared by her for this big change, it's hitting us all rather hard. We've done all the legal stuff and have of course involved the local authorities, but I wondered if any of you experienced parents out there have any words of wisdom for me?

The boys are 11 and 8 (the youngest are twins) and I don't have any kids of my own, so all of a sudden I've got a ready-made, very sad and chaotic family, I think we're all finding it a bit overwhelming. My OH is being wonderful and I do have the support of the rest of the family, but sadly they don't live close by.

Apart from general parenting advice (NOW I know why mums have such big handbags...) - does anyone have any tips on handling grief? We're on the waiting list for some family counselling, but this could take anything up to six months apparently, that's just too long for little 'uns IMHO.

I've had to move them out of thier home and to a new town, a new school, the lot - which is hard enough for them, but on top of losing mum and yet another rejection from dad, they're just bereft and I feel like I'm failing them emotionally. The eldest boy in particular is taking it all very hard and just will not talk about anything, the funeral, missing his mum, nothing - and I'm starting to get really worried.

So, any advice would be really appreciated - thanks (and sorry again for the enormo-post).

Wow, what a wealth of wisdom there is here, thank you all. We've tried really hard to establish thier routines as similarly as they were at home - the youngest boys have joined the scouts here and the eldest is in a drama group now (and has even started surfing, the brave thing!). We brought thier dog and thier beds, put thier bedroom pictures up (and thier favourites ones of mum on the New Family Wall) etc. Working in individual time with each of them is a really good idea though, thanks MammyG.

You've all been so kind, thank you for your good wishes.

What generous posts you lot - on such a sad situation such really positives and incredibly helpful thoughts and advice.

The school should be able to help with support for the kids.

And be honest with them. Tell them you will no doubt stuff up, but they have home, you'll do all you can and they are loved and somehow you'll all plod on. The worst thing in the world has happened to them. Everyone is confused and bewildered. Their security has disappeared and they won't realise for years that they are lucky to have you in their corner.

Good luck, and don't forget you have to grieve. You are allowed to stamp your feet and chuck stones in the garden.

Pancake great post - important to let them know it's ok for them to think that they've had a shitty deal: they have.

Reading back over the OP am more than a bit at the dad...though clearly they are better off with you - you've been very thoughtful.

Eldest won't talk because he doesn't feel safe yet

Henry I meant to add that after your new family has bonded and they feel more settled, don't be surprised if they become quite anxious about something happening to you too.

I was crippled by fear that something would also happen to my Dad. I remember him diving off a pier-type thing into the sea once on a holiday with some family friends and having a panic attach because I thought he might die too. That fear has stayed with me to be honest I've never gotten over that.
Dad had to reassure me constantly that he was ok and wouldn't take silly risks again and he wouldn't leave me. I think it frightened my Dad to see how frightened I was.

costa that was my experience too - terrified that something would happen to my mum, so much so that I kept rehearsing her possible death in my imagination - it was a way of coping, I guess

Pancakeflipper, yup, we've had that conversation - my sister left me a very detailed book on how to look after the boys (what each one of them likes to eat when they're poorly etc. it breaks my heart to think how much it must have hurt her to write all that down for me but I'm so grateful). I've told them that I'd mess things up sometimes but I'll never stop trying to get it right.
drivingmisscrazy - I wondered about him not feeling safe yet, I also wonder if he's trying to be the big boy for his brothers. Time will tell I guess eh?

We're visiting thier home town next weekend so they can see thier old friends - and mum's friends - so maybe they'll feel more confortable around them and opne up a bit - if it's time of course.
All your experience about how children grieve has been really interesting - stupidly I guess I'd not considered that - so I'll not push it.
Thanks for all the reading suggestions too, I've been so busy establishing routines and putting furniture together that's been kind of left till now, time to get on that one.

Can i echo what drivingmisscrazy has said about discipline?

When my DH died, the number of times pople excused DS's behaviour as 'Oh well, he's just lost his dad' etc... And call me mean and heartless, but i wouldn't have it. At all. I know he was only three, going on four, but i truly felt that if i made excuses for him then, then i'd still be doing it when he was an out of control teenager, and he'd be spoilt and unreachable, iyswim.

It is very difficult being consitently hard when they are naughty, but i really believe it benifits them in the long run. IME daddy wouldn't have let him draw on the walls for example, so why should he get away with it when Daddys not here?

Some days it feels like you're the baddy, but you have to do what you have to do.

Good luck, Henrysmate - and remember, there will always be someone on MN to listen

I'm so sorry for your familys' loss, you are truly amazing and the children are so lucky to have you. I know of a couple of other charities that may be able to help - the Child Bereavement Charity and Cruse, although I think Winstons Wish probably looks the most suitable for your needs.
Wishing you all, all the best.

If you are in the Midlands the Laura Centre are very well respected and I have seen them turn a young family around in dealing with their grief.

It will be a long long road, months and probably years, but take it one step at a time as the children work out their grief and feelings, which will come out in every imaginable kind of action/behaviour/attitude. It is really early days ATM.

There's a book called "Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss" you might find interesting reading. In some ways there are parallels with adoption and you might find some helpful advice on that section of MN. Good luck to you all!

Driving Yes, I did that too. Imagining what would happen if he died, what I would do and say. It was like if I had a script for what to say when it happened then I'd be able to keep functioning.

That form of coping has never gone away, I do it now about my kids

Costa yes, I still do it too :( about DP and DD...except I can't imagine the script for DD - it's just too hard as an idea. It's a real loss of innocence for a child and separates them irrevocably from their peers - they have knowledge that most children don't, unfortunately

My nephews (aged 12 and 14) lost their mum to cancer 4 months ago. They have a great Dad who was already very hands on and open emotionally and are still at the same school with the same good friends etc. BUT the 12 year old is finding it natural to talk about his mum all the time but the eldest isn't talking about it at all and doesn't want to go to any sort of counselling at the moment. You mentioned your eldest is also reluctant to talk. In my nephew's case, I think there is a big element of wanting to protect his father from any more anxiety and sad feelings - he doesn't realise his lack of talking is worrying his dad more than a big cry would do.

Also, he is at an age where even children in the happiest of circumstances can find talking about their feelings excruciatingly embarassing. The years of illness and recent loss are no doubt uppermost for your nephews, not to mention the upheaval of moving their lives to a new place. Might he be 'protecting' the younger ones, thinking he should be better able to cope because he's older? There is another aspect. One of the few things my nephew has said is that at the funeral and ever since he has felt nothing. He was terrified early in his mum's illness, and his distress was obvious. As the situation and her imminent loss became real he became calmer. Whether this is acceptance or numbness I don't know. He was worried abut saying he felt nothing in case people thought he didn't love his mum - which he clearly did, very much. Also, it seems he is just very keen to talk about other stuff - he's into music, plays in a band, loves football and plays on a good junior team. He is sort of fed up with talking about serious stuff and said to his dad 'I just want to get back to normal'.

Of course I don't know your family, but it might be worth bearing in mind when the eldest isn't talking, that he might just be wanting to be allowed to think about things like other 12 year olds. He might feel guilty for wanting that. I imagine they have all dealt with a series of losses over the course of their mum's illness and the final loss of her death was perhaps less significant than other days they are already coming to terms with. My nephew's dad, for eg, said the day of the definite diagnosis and hopeless prognosis was far worse for him than the day she actually died.

Don't forget that some of the things on their minds, some of the difficulties they face will not be related to the loss of their mum, some will be every day problems of growing up. I am so sorry the circumstances are so awful for them and wish you all the very best. You are grieving too, so be kind to yourself. By the way, if you feel you are failing them emotionally, you are feeling like a mother - we all have bad days when we feel it's all going wrong and we are to blame. You have all been dealt a difficult hand - it's not your fault when they are struggling. Keep at it, be open to them, show them love, and be firm when you need to - they need the security of that - and find as much help as you can. Take care and very best of luck as you all get used to the new shape of your family.

Sorry for your loss :(

Great advice here. One thing I would add: If you think the eldest is 'being strong for' or 'protecting' the little ones, try to make sure he gets some time off from that 'job'. They do that with 'survivor siblings', who also often tend to feel they need to be strong for their grieving parents. I've heard of sort of holiday camps where the kids are separated from their parents (in your case that would mean separating the older from the younger ones) and explicitly told that their parents were now being looked after by other grown-ups, and that they - the kids - now had time 'off' to play and be kids.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry for your loss and so very proud of you for stepping in to become a parent to your nephews.
It might be an idea to buy your oldest nephew a nice, manly notebook. And when you give it to him tell him it's for him to write down all the things he can't speak out loud. That's its just for him and no-one else will ever read it.
Another suggestion to help deal with their frustrations and anger (which they will no doubt have lots of) would be to join a kickboxing class. As it's a martial art it will help them with discipline (if they need it now or in the future) and will also provide them with a chance to punch and kick pads and punchbags to work off some of their anger. This really worked for my son when he was going through a tough time and also helped build his confidence.
I wish you all the best for the future with your nephews.

Take care