daughter has accused her step father

[tanw]

a year and a half ago i came home to find my 16 year old had left home. this came as a huge shock as she is(was) a lovely child. we had been a family for 7 years with no problems. to cut a long story short she accused her step father of touching her breast. he was interviewed by the police and asked about sexual grooming. after 3 months the police rang to say that they wernt persuing the case. much to our relief. all of that was a year and half ago, we still have not heard from her, although she has kept in touch with her brother.

Has anyone been through some thing similar?

My relationship with my husband has just about survived but there is not a day when we dont talk about her. She has just had her 18th birthday and it was so hard.
Is there any support groups that people can suggest. i am trying to cope but finding it increasingly difficult.

I have a good relationship with my children, and for me, by definition, that means we have good communication.
I don't understand how this came out of the blue, that there were no attempts to communicate from either side and that suddenly the child has gone and the parent has no idea.
OP, if she is a lovely child and your family had no problems, then you must have been oblivious to whatever it was that was distressing your daughter so horrifically.
Where did she go at 16? Where is she living now?
Is she happier and doing well?
What sort of support groups are you looking for?

Unless she has namechanged this is OPs first post and she has been frightened off.

i woudl nto be surprised if she had been frightened off.

75% of posters shoudl be ignored. in all cases.

i hope you can google what you are looking for b ecause it doesnt look like you are going to get any constructive advice here.

samaritans might be a listening ear.

where did she go? Did you call the police when you found her gone? Have you been in touch since? How does she feel about you staying with your DH?

Can her brother provide some point of contact? At sixteen they can make irrational decisions on impulse and then find it difficult to find their way back ... forget about who, whether or what stimulated the initial break - that can be sorted out later (the guilt and the blame) - first of all, you need to establish contact in a non-judgemental context/environment .... can the brother help?

FFS. Stop calling the OP's DH a cunt. He might be totally innocent, you don't know anything about it.

The op is asking for suggestions of support groups.

And FWIW my uncle (a cop) say's it's really NOT unusual for a teenager to pull a stunt like this.

Whatever has happened, whoever is telling the truth, some of the replies on here are disgusting.

Maybe it was prooved DH was innocent, maybe op has tried to contact her DD. Obviously it didn't work if she did so now she's looking for support not for people to tell her what a shit mother she is or that her DH is a cunt.

Sorry OP I have no suggestions for what you are after but I hope you can develop a relationship with your DD again, however that may be.

Really? Really? To leave home for a year and a half? To go without security, someone cooking and cleaning for them, without credit on their mobiles? For what? A laugh?

If the OP had said that her daughter had come back after a week mumbling about wnating her iPod back and some fish and chips, I would be leaning heavily on the 'teen ishoos' side of things, and I would, indeed, think that perhaps she had said it due to tensions elsewhere or out of spite.

But that doesn't appear to be the case. The daughter, from what we know, appears to be sticking to her guns, ie. removing herslef from the family home and sticking to her story.

I'll concede that I have projected my own family situation all over this, and for that OP I will apologise, but as I am sure you can appreciate, this is an emotive subject and will raise all sort of issues for you and others. I hope though, that my crazy strong reaction has made you consider your daughter's possible point of view.

I ahve to say thought that I think the 'odds' of OP's other half being innocent are, imo, bleak, based on the information given.

And I have never, ever, not while a child, teen, or an adult, had experience of any child, teen, or adult 'crying wolf' over abuse. I have known many children, teens and adults displaying signs of abuse struggling to come to terms with it, many simply having run away from home as soon as they could.

I am accused by my own family of being delusional, making it up and all that and I can assure you none of that applies in my case, but it is what abusive families do and say. This 'oh they make it up all the time' thing is a myth and one that needs challenging.

but nemofish, we/you really know nothing about this. And yet, you seem to think that you know enough to label the OP and her DH c**ts.

You know what happened in your own situation. That's all. The rest is projection.

i bet they are too.

and I'll bet that, if the OP is for real, your posts have not helped her, or her dd, one little bit.

oh please.

apixie, the police are well known for having neanderthal attitudes to women and girls being sexually abused.

It's one of the reasons we have a rape conviction rate of 6% and most rapes and sexual assaults aren't reported at all. So just because a cop says teenagers routinely make up lies about abuse, doesn't mean it's true. I would take anything a police officer says about rape or other sexual assault, with a pinch of salt tbh.

OP what are you looking for? Why do you think your 16 year old left home and has stayed away for 18 months?

the police don't 'know' whether it's true or not anyway... they have to decide whether it's prosecutable and it's unlikely an allegation like this, taken to court would result in a conviction, hence not taking it forward.

it has NOTHING to do with how honest the girl is being.

and i too have been in the same situation as this girl and couldn't give a shit if anyone thinks i'm projectiing.

i never had the guts to leave though so hats off to her for being so brave.

I agree Blinks, most rape and sexual abuse allegations do not end up in court, because police think girls and women are liars, so they do not investigate properly.

So when they present the case to the CPS, it's not strong enough to take to court.

So it gets dropped.

Whether it goes to court or not, is no reflection at all on whether a woman or girl was lying or honest. It's a reflection on police incompetence and mysogynist attitudes.

I think you should grow up. Decide whether your dd is a lovely girl and not a lieing sly conniving little bitch and grovel to her for forgiveness. Currently you are behaving like she is the latter, but talking as if she is the former. One or the other.

Also very difficult to prove - a case of his word against hers, unless there are witnesses. And who is more likely to be believed - say a 16 year old girl or a 40 year old bloke?

This thread has made me realise I need more psychological help, if I am honest. But I do sincerely mean that I hope it has made OP think about what her daughter may be feeling - and tbh I hope she is having a long hard look at her partner.

some people are very good at functioning in a state of perpetual denial.

my mother is one of them.

tralalalalala

i don't envy the mum though, she's going to feel like shit forever. i hope the daughter gets some counselling and has a fabulous and successful life.

My mother is too.

I could have written this thread - from the daughter's point of view. I left home at 18 but maintained a relationship with my mother. 20 years on and she is still with him. My mum comes to visit me, but I do not visit her. My children have never met my SD and never will.

I too wish the daughter every sucess in life.

Oh dear OP hasn't come back and I hope somewhere she is able to get help and then she is able to sort her life out

sure, I hope OP is able to sort her life out too
I cant be easy for her living with a man that might have pushed her daughter away
I cant imagine being in such situation but I would say that a loving mother even if she was sure her dd was lying should have pretended to believe her and act accordingly. She should have trying to understand what made her to lie. Would not a loving mother ask her partner to go and stay somewhere else for a while? If he was an innocent and supportive sd that should have had not problem and he should have had at heart dd wellbeing.
OP concern was to find a confirmation via Police that dd had lied and she states she was relieved.
Right, anybody's words but her own dd.
OP if you do read comments and find the hard than I am sorry for you, really, but I - and many other poster here - have experience first hand or have friends that have been in the position of your dd and are bound to feel strongly about the subject

I cant be easy
should be
IT cant be easy

I agree that the police not pursuing the case does not equal the stepfather being innocent

But to me the issue of innocence or culpability is not the core issue

If the stepfather is guilty then the OP has no business siding with him against her daughter

If the stepfather is innocent and by implication the daughter lying, then the OP needs to spend EVEN MORE time trying to love and support her daughter

If it's all a complete misunderstanding (accidentally brushing her breast) then the daughter's reaction is extreme and the OP needs to spend EVEN MORE time trying to love and support her daughter

So for me all roads lead to Rome - the need unconditionally to support and love her daughter. Which the OP doesn't feel.

OP's run a mile.