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Parenting

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Original poster

daughter has accused her step father

78 replies

tanw · 28/01/2011 19:43

a year and a half ago i came home to find my 16 year old had left home. this came as a huge shock as she is(was) a lovely child. we had been a family for 7 years with no problems. to cut a long story short she accused her step father of touching her breast. he was interviewed by the police and asked about sexual grooming. after 3 months the police rang to say that they wernt persuing the case. much to our relief. all of that was a year and half ago, we still have not heard from her, although she has kept in touch with her brother.

Has anyone been through some thing similar?

My relationship with my husband has just about survived but there is not a day when we dont talk about her. She has just had her 18th birthday and it was so hard.
Is there any support groups that people can suggest. i am trying to cope but finding it increasingly difficult.

OP posts:

Greeninkmama · 29/01/2011 09:31

What organisations can the OP get in touch with for advice and support? Anyone know?

Because if DH is guilty then clearly OP sale needs help with facing this and being capable of supporting DD. And if he isn't then she needs help with reaching out to a troubled teen.

Greeninkmama · 29/01/2011 09:32

Clearly needs help, not sale!

ZZZenAgain · 29/01/2011 09:34

for a year and a half you have not seen your dd? Do you know where she is (since she is still in touch with her brother)?

ZZZenAgain · 29/01/2011 09:38

if she left home aged 16 and went to the police to report her step-father, someone must have advised or helped her. I think you are unwise to not take it very seriously. She is your own flesh and blood, how can you wait about at home for a year and a half not knowing how she is? For goodness sake, why are you not moving mountains to find her and to listen to her and help her out?

CockneySparra · 29/01/2011 09:38

Horrified by this. Your teenage daughter fled a 'previously happy home' without a backward glance. Massive, deafening alarm bells ringing. Your poor daughter. Where is she?

CockneySparra · 29/01/2011 09:41

Harriet, I would always start from the position that my child was telling the truth. You may disprove them, unravel some reason that they lied and then try to get to the bottom of that etc - but the OP's actions seem very wrong to me. Stay living with her partner while he is undergoing a police investigation for assaulting her daughter? It just does not sit right.

blinder · 29/01/2011 09:41

OP your post raises more questions than it answers.

Did she disclose this to you? If so, how did you react? Do you know where she is?

Some teenagers who have been abused make allegations against a different man. It's a way of asking for help without attracting the wrath of the actual (terrifying) abuser. Or your husband may have acted inappropriately. Or she simply lied (much less likely but possible).

What ever the reason or her allegation, she needed and needs support. Where is she?

blinder · 29/01/2011 09:44

Actually OP, re-reading your post, you want advice about how to cope yourself. And you could reach your daughter via her brother.

Cold.

ScarlettWalking · 29/01/2011 09:46

Poor girl, you obviously didn't believe her...?

Tortington · 29/01/2011 09:49

its a big deal to leave home. a very big deal.

the touching of the breast could have been the culmination of years of lude comments and things she wanted to pass as coincidence but knew in her git it wasn't.

anyway, i KNOW my daughter, i have been married for 22 years and if she intimated or said anything, i would be on her side.

theres this thing about kids leaving home but your partner/husband stays with you, but your kids can be part of our life forever - and then theres grandchildren eventually.

i couldn't imagine a life without my kids in

ZZZenAgain · 29/01/2011 09:51

I could imagine she did not want to believe it as most of us would not want to believe something like that.

However, look why does a "lovely 16 year old" leave a happy family home, report her step-father to the police and have no contact to her mother for a year and a half? Something is obviously very wrong. What exactly I don't know, was she molested by her step-father, was there something else going wrong in her life? I don't know but something was obviously seriously amiss. I would want to get to the bottom of that.

Possibly some violent family rows came about when the police were investigating too for all I know. Ruptures may be very deep but if that were my dd, I would be with her and listening to her and not leaving her fending for herself from the ages of 16-18.

I'm not trying to be a cow about it OP, I hear your pain but you're the older one and you're the one who is going to have to try and sort it out, not dd. Maybe a telephone help-line could listen to you and advise you further?

oxocube · 29/01/2011 09:59

Poor, poor child. My eldest is 15 and, like your daughter, a great kid. I couldn't imagine him just leaving and not getting in touch with him for 18 months under ANY circumstances. There is something terribly wrong about this whole situation.

MarioandLuigi · 29/01/2011 10:12

If you chose your husband over your daughter (which you did) then she probably wont speak to you again.

Poor Girl.

moodymama · 29/01/2011 10:16

I think this is a wind up. Where is the OP? No proper mother would believe their partner over their child in a matter like this.

QuintessentialShadows · 29/01/2011 10:22

Where is the op?

JustForThisOne · 29/01/2011 11:11

cant believe you did not kick him out
that should have been your reaction
that she may have spoken to you
ffs this is sick

JustForThisOne · 29/01/2011 11:12

thaN, not that

ivykaty44 · 29/01/2011 11:17

well is the OP going to come back when a few of you have already made up your minds - no different from what you have accused op of

i think the op if genuine came looking for advise - if you get your mob mentality attitude on then she will run and not get the advise that is needed for her and her and her dd - not really very helpful

Op can we have some of the questions answered so that some of the posters maybe able to help you with the advise you were looking for?

NancyDrewHasaClue · 29/01/2011 11:26

ivy the OP wants advice on how to cope herself she is not looking for advice on how to help her DD at all.

What can anyone say? She chose a man over her DD. She doesn't appear to want to build bridges or make ammends she wants reassurance that her and her H can get through this and move on.

So I'm afraid that the advice to lie in it was good.

MarioandLuigi · 29/01/2011 11:36

The OP still isnt thinking of her DD, she wants to know how she can help herself.

ThePosieParker · 29/01/2011 11:46

Your relationship with your daughter was sacrificed by you, shame on you.

Can you imagine how she feels? Do you try and think how she feels? Do you think about her safety? How she's surviving? How she feels let down by you, her mother?

Did you think you could come here and everyone would pity you? Poor you with your nearly wrecked relationship with your husband who was accused by your dd of groping her that you refused to believe.....

what's wrong with you? Is this what you wanted for you and your daughter?

StuffingGoldBrass · 29/01/2011 11:55

OP if you are still reading then do come back: obviously you haven't aired the full story. You may well be able to get some good sound advice on here.
Everyone else: wait and let the OP explain what is actually going on.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 29/01/2011 12:03

Op there is more you haven't said. What is it you actually want help with?

ivykaty44 · 29/01/2011 12:06

nancydrew she can't at present help anyone but herself - when she has helped herself then she will be fit enough to move on from this and it can go either of two ways in the off set.

It is really hard being seperated from a dd at this age, if you can't actually talk to your dd or get near her then there isn't anything you can do to help your dd.

second SGB please leave this alone and stop your judging, it isn't good to jump in with conclusions with only a part story it isn't helpful.

it is possible if the mother gets help she will ultimatley be able to help her own dd if she at some point returns to be spoken to.

NancyDrewHasaClue · 29/01/2011 12:14

ivy of course she could help her DD, both then and now, if she chose to put her first.

But there is nothing in her OP that indicates she wants to.

I am happy to listen and advise should the Op wish to explain more but at the moment her post is clear: she chose her H over her daughter and wants reassurances that everything will be OK.

What "help" can anyone offer in those circumstances?

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