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Parenting

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Original poster

Age gaps between DCs...long or short? Decisions decisions!

28 replies

NinkyNonker · 27/01/2011 21:42

As per the title really...dd is 6 mo and the conversation has reared its head about dc2.

We had originally thought 2 yrs, but of course it took us 6 mo to conceive dd...if that were the case again we'd have to start soon! But then what if I fell really quickly...potentially very close together. But then I might really struggle, it might never happen!

So what are people's experiences/opinions on optimum age gaps?

If this'd be better in another area let me know.

Thanks!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

whomovedmychocolate · 27/01/2011 21:43

There is no optimum age gap. At least nine months is a good idea though

It's hard at any age. Just go for it and see what happens.

ginmakesitallok · 27/01/2011 21:46

Don't know about the optimum, but we've got 6 years between our 2 and for us it's working out really well. DD1 is a great help with DD2 and because DD1 is more independant we have more time for DD2. I can't imagine having 2 under 5!!!! Age gap wasn't planned - we were trying for DD2 after about 4 years, but had 2 mcs before DD2.

Greeninkmama · 27/01/2011 22:08

Three years is thought to be ideal - because DC1 has beginnings of empathy and is more independent. Friends who have had gaps of 18 months have really seemed to struggle (but I am talking older mums, so may be less of an issue if you are young). Mine are 2 years 4 months apart, which has been good.

Interested in this thread?

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Families General parenting

meltedmarsbars · 27/01/2011 22:09

I went for 18 months between each - was aiming to get out of nappies fast.

So number 3 was born a couple of weeks before No1's birthday.

Weegle · 27/01/2011 22:12

I've got age gaps of 3.5 years and 20 seconds . The gap between DS and DT's is brilliant for us. DS was going to preschool and not an ounce of jealousy despite 2 coming in! But I suspect so much is down to personality and luck of the draw - also think DS' transition to big brother was helped by being blessed with the 2 most chilled sleepy babies ever. So I think you just have to go with it. Took us a year and intervention to conceive second time around despite falling straight away with DS.

MrsRhettButler · 27/01/2011 22:15

i am due my second 3 weeks before dd's 6th birthday

i personally loved having all this time with just dd as i really feel she has benefited from having such one on one (sort of two on one really as her dad is here too) time with us

she is very much looking forward to the new baby and is ready to share her room and is extremely excited

mind you there have been times when i wished i'd done it earlier... like when i wished she had a 'friend' to play with instead of me all the time! 'shopkeeping' can get tedious

HollyBollyBooBoo · 27/01/2011 22:46

I am in exactly the same position as you OP, have a 6mo DD and we're talking about when to try for DC2.

We've pretty much agreed to start trying in the Spring. It took us 18 months to conceive DD so erring on the side of caution incase it takes us a long time again.

jennifersofia · 27/01/2011 23:07

We had 19 months between 1 & 2, and then 6 years. We really debated about how long the gap should be before we conceived dd2. In the end, I think it is more about personalities and birth order rather than length of time between the siblings. Our older two do play together (squabble together etc) loads, which is lovely. DD2 is super with dd3, (6 yr gap) whereas dd1 finds dd3 difficult sometimes(7.5 year gap)

Personally speaking, it was quite intensive having a short gap, but I felt a bit 'in for a penny, in for a pound' about it. Having the longer gap was luxurious to have some time on my own with the baby when the older two were at school, but it did mean that finances / career were reduced / delayed for a longer time.

anonymosity · 28/01/2011 03:41

We conceived 2nd dC when 1 was 6 months - so there is a 15 month gap. First is DS 2nd is DD - and it works. They are extremely different little people, but devoted to each other. Of course we had bottles and nappies coming out of our ears, but that now feels like ancient history.

Depends on how much time you've got to consider it, or if fate takes over (as it did with us). TBH we were talking about it constantly and wondering and then we found out we were expecting a 2nd and the worry about gaps was taken away from us.

earwicga · 28/01/2011 04:15

2 minutes here. I don't recommend it here

I don't think there is any ideal. Depends on your family, your personalities and what YOU as the person who carries the next child wants.

PositiveAttitude · 28/01/2011 07:09

Between DD1 and DD2 - 15 months
DD2 and DD3 - 19 months
DD3 and DS - 20 months
DS and DD4 - 15 months in age difference, but we adopted her when she was 3.

So, 5DC with less than 6 years between eldest and youngest. I loved it when they were all little. Hard work, but just loved it!!

But I now have 5 teenagers !!

Sarahlou8 · 28/01/2011 12:02

Between DD & DS exactly 2 years

Between DS & DD2 10 years!!

But seriously we're not talking about 10 years!

I loved a two year gap, we had a lot of fun, DD was too young to be jealous and I could take them both to soft play/ parks/ zoos etc knowing that they'd be interested in similar things. Now age 12 & 10 they still get on extremely well. (most of the time!)

curlyredhead · 28/01/2011 12:11

I wanted reasonably big age gaps. Got 3.5 years between dd1 and dd2. And 38 mins between dd2 and dd3. There's only so much you can plan for, really, try and work out the minimum gap you want, start ttc then and.... who knows, you might get your perfect scenario, you might not.

Original poster

NinkyNonker · 28/01/2011 15:57

Thanks all, I don't think I'm quite ready to start thinking about another one yet...DD is such a little poppet and I'm still getting the hang of her! I think I'll suggest holding fire for a while, try to re-establish normality and some kind of cycle and see what happens.

Any more experiences gratefully appreciated!

OP posts:

MCos · 28/01/2011 17:25

I have 22 mths between my two girls, now 8 & 6. They are great friends most of the time, and play for hours together. They fight too, of course..
Others in our families have 6-7 year gaps. While they do care for each other, they are not friends. The older one constantly finds the younger one a nuisance..

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 17:27

Short!

I have six years between my first and second, and 14 months between the second and third.

So i can speak from both camps.

Wish I had not left it so long between 1 and 2.

Violethill · 28/01/2011 17:49

Have them close together. As MCos says, they are more likely to get on and enjoy the same things. No one can legislate for whether they'll be life long friends, but it certainly makes family life fun, when they grow through the phases as a 'unit'. I come across too many teenagers, with much younger siblings or half siblings, who feel overlooked/resentful/neglected to feel that its generally a good thing. Obviously there are exceptions, but I think its very hard to have secondary age kids and then real tinies as well. Their wants and needs are just poles apart

RumourOfAHurricane · 28/01/2011 17:55

This reply has been deleted

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PorkChopSter · 28/01/2011 17:57

I have gaps of 18 months, 22 months and 29 months. 22 would probably be 'optimal', but tbh although 18 months was hard, there is a certain flow to same nap times and consecutive school years.

3.5 years between DC1 & 3: they get on well. 5.5 between DC1 & 4: yes they get on but don't really play with each other.

It is what it is, personally I wanted it over & done with and to have a "tribe" who grew up together.

Jellykat · 28/01/2011 19:53

I too have 9 years between my DSs (22 and 13 yrs old) and have found pros and cons, for although DS1 had my undivided attention for the first 9 years,and DS2 has had more or less for the past 3 so far,things like 'passing clothes' etc down just hasn't happened..I found the middle bit tricky too,-teaching one to read and put to bed early, while the other did GCSEs and wanted his music loud!

Plus, i have now been doing the school run for 18 years!!! GGGgggrrr..

SandStorm · 28/01/2011 19:57

I have 4.5 years between mine - not through choice though. We were going for a 3 year gap but nature decided to do other things. After taking 4 months to conceive first time round it was a bit of a surprise to have to wait so long but I'm really happy with the age gap now. When dd2 arrived dd1 was old enough to actually be helpful as opposed to just thinking she was being helpful iyswim.

BadRoly · 28/01/2011 20:00

I have 21mths between 1 and 2,
3.5yrs between 2 and 3,
2.5 yrs between 3 and 4.

Pros and cons between them all tbh, but what I find interesting is that 1 & 4 are "close" and so are 2 & 3. I think possibly the 2.5 year gap has worked out best for us but a lot of that is to do with time of year/school year.

balia · 28/01/2011 21:34

Funny what you think you can plan - my ex and I started trying for a DC2 when our DD was about 18 months.

DD is now 16.

DS is 3.

Sometimes you just can't make life go the way you planned.

And it all worked out fine.

lucilastic · 28/01/2011 21:57

19 months between my two. My great age (37) with DC1 meant I didn't have the luxury of a long age gap. I also really wanted to have 2 children so felt it was a good idea to crack on. I had a horrible first labour with DC1 and didn't want to worry about doing it all again for too long in case I chickened out.

skybluepearl · 28/01/2011 23:16

I have various gaps.

having two toddlers close in age is like having two lively puppies - hard to discipline.

psychologists recommend 2.5 to 3 years to enable eldest child to have a full and long babyhood.

longer thean 3 years is also good in my experience though. I have one gap of 5 years and i can't believe how good they are together.

Maybe it just comes down to personalitites though?

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