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Original poster

I don't want children

44 replies

amale1 · 25/01/2011 20:14

Hi, I'm a male, married for just over a year and my wife is now starting to talk about children due to many of our friends letting me down and having children!

I personally like my life as it is and I would happily not have children but I feel this seems very unfair to her, even though I have always hinted that I wouldn't want children (so not to mislead) and how I/we sigh (now and in the past) when we leave friends houses that are a mess, the noise from crying, plus they look tired aswell - returning to my nice clean modern house.

3 male friends have all told me "don't have kids" and they have kids, they turn up looking tired and annoyed at the previous evenings antics or lack of sleep!

Any advise or similar situations welcome.....please

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 25/01/2011 20:16

you have to be totally honest now and say, I don't want children ever. it's no good hinting or being circumspect. I cannot imagine it was not discussed fully before marriage, or maybe it was, and she thought you'd change your mind

you cannot compromise on this, if you absolutely don't want children, you have to tell her and be prepared for it to be a deal breaker

didldidi · 25/01/2011 20:17

your friends are right. You should really have done more than 'hint' though if you feel strongly about it.

Lulumaam · 25/01/2011 20:17

i don't like the way you say your friends are letting you down by having children

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thisisyesterday · 25/01/2011 20:18

if you do not want children then you need to tell your wife that

did you never discuss this at all before getting married??

i think that if you are 100% sure that you never want children then you may have to accept that this is something that could mean the end of the marriage if she really does want a baby. one of you will end up being unhappy and resentful however it plays out

so you need to talk to her, and soon.

but you know, there are a whole ton of positives to having kids as well! maybe you should talk seriously to your friends and ask them if they would do it differently were they to live their lives over again.
i bet none of them would say they wished they hadn't had their children.

TrillianAstra · 25/01/2011 20:19

Sounds like something you should have discussed before getting married.

You are also a twat for saying that your friends are 'letting you down'. Their lives are not led for your convenience. Their children will play a far bigger part in their lives than you will.

Original poster
amale1 · 25/01/2011 20:23

wow, what a great response, thank you TrillianAstra for your kind words.

OP posts:
Pterosaur · 25/01/2011 20:26

You need to talk about it with your wife. I would never have got married without knowing that my partner was of the same mind as me on this. My brother and his long-term partner split up over his reluctance to have children and I think his partner felt she'd wasted years (though my brother is now a father of 3).

Are you absolutely sure? Are you sure that your friends actually regret having their children, however much of a pain they sometimes are? And can you imagine the possibility that the nuisance of children might be offset by the love you would feel for them?

Have a think. It's perfectly reasonable not to want children, but if you're sure, you need to tell your wife very soon, and be prepared for it to be the end of your marriage.

polar515 · 25/01/2011 20:26

Children do make you more untidy and very very tired and yes, they do cry, but if you want them this really doesn't matter one bit and is a drop in the ocean compared to waht you get back (N.B if you want them)!

Yes, your life changes big time, but you can still be you, and your relationship, your values etc can stay the same if you look after it / them - your children just come along with you.

Yes, you can't have everything you want when you want it with children (like going out whenever. sleeping whenever), but believe me,you appreciate it soo much more when you do that you have the best of both worlds.

Saying that, you should have children if you definitely don't want them as it is so hard work, that you have to want them to get the 'payback' above. It's a 24/7 for life business.

You should talk to your wife directly to address this as as much as you love / care for each other, it's a massive issue to feel differently about - it's not just like going along to a restaurant or shopping or something to appease her - it's a serious business!

Good luck with what you decide.

shaabychic · 25/01/2011 20:29

what kind of words are you expecting?? you will have to be able to offer her something ridicolously special to stay with you and not have children!! imho you've let your wife down.

great response trillian

NiceShoes · 25/01/2011 20:32

Have you made this explicit to your DW?It is not wrong,to not want children,you do need to be really very honest about this.No vague statements and loose promises if for you it is a no children situation. Did she marry you expecting children?I left a partner who refused to have children, I Loved him, loved our lifestyle but we could not agree. If she really wants children,you may have to go separate ways.

TrillianAstra · 25/01/2011 20:35

What should I say, that it's ok to consider that your friends have 'let you down' by choosing to have children? You sound very selfish. They have let you down?

With regards to your wife you are merely misguided, believing that you have 'hinted' sufficiently where you should have had a proper conversation is not unusual.

But regarding your friends you are being a twat, yes.

shaabychic · 25/01/2011 20:36

just to add, you've posted on a site that the majority of us are parents with children.

is there therefore a small part of you that wants to be swayed or convinced to have children? or is reading the parenting threads helping convince you not to have children?

liquiditytrap · 25/01/2011 20:37

You really should have mentioned this before...

Original poster
amale1 · 25/01/2011 20:38

Thanks for all of your response, some very nice people on here.

I'm sure my friends wouldn't turn back time, it's simply tired days they say this.

And I certainly wouldn't want to loose my lovely wife for my doubts... which I have no doubt will change once I had a child.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
pointythings · 25/01/2011 20:39

DH and I explicitly discussed this and we made sure we both wanted the same thing - i.e., children. I can't believe you and your wife didnt' do this - you are both to blame for that, obviously.

Describing your friends as 'having let you down is so waaaaaay out of order you deserve a Biscuit though.

You really need to discuss this now and accept that it may mean the end of your marriage. You have to be absolutely honest, no emotional blackmail on either side, just get it done and live with the consequences.

didldidi · 25/01/2011 20:40

Don't be so sure about those doubts

UniS · 25/01/2011 20:41

Are you an DW of an age that you can put the question on hold and re visit the subject in 5 years..
When I got married I didn't want kids, it took best part of 10 yrs before I changed my mind.

sockapoodle · 25/01/2011 20:41

You have to talk to her.
If you do end up having children with your wife, make sure you are 100% ready to be a fully involved parent.
No, "Well it was you who wanted them" as you head out to the pub etc.

pointythings · 25/01/2011 20:42

Whoops, overtaken by events, OP.

If you are starting to have doubts though then it'll still be worthwhile having an honest conversation with your wife (so nice to hear you describe her as lovely Smile).

I do hope everything works out for you, FWIW DH and I are happy with our family, equally mys sister and her partner as happy not having children.

NiceShoes · 25/01/2011 20:42

before getting married the babies question should have been discussed.Essential to be open and frank about what you both want.

expatinscotland · 25/01/2011 20:45

You need to be completely frank with her. Hinting is not enough.

You need to be prepared to let your wife go if she feels she can't live without trying for kids.

I divorced age 30 after 2 years of separation due to his never wanting children.

He 'hinted'. I finally asked him outright told him I was moving out without a clear answer and did so.

Best move either of us ever made.

There's absolutely no harm in admitting to yourself that you are too selfish/immature/lazy/whatever to have kids.

But you need to be honest with your spouse about it and be prepared for the fall out.

mamatomany · 25/01/2011 20:46

Friends of ours were both adament thet didn't want chuildren in their 30's at 43 they have a boy and girl and are delighted with the change in themselves.

mistressploppy · 25/01/2011 20:46

I sort of understand - there's kind of never a good time to have kids, they really disrupt everything and mess up your lovely tidy/fun/adult life. BUT - the positives outweigh the negatives and the shit baby/crying/poo stage is pretty sort.

Also, as you're finding out, there will come a time when most of your mates have kids, and there's no-one left to have grown up adult fun with. And you'll get bored and fed up of listening to them drivel about their kids. Solution - have your own, then you can join in!

Sorry for being flippant - I felt there was enough sensible advice on the thread already.....

mamatomany · 25/01/2011 20:47

There's absolutely no harm in admitting to yourself that you are too selfish/immature/lazy/whatever to have kids.

That's a bit harsh, there are days I don't want children.
I have 4 Grin

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/01/2011 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.