I don't want children

[amale1]

Hi, I'm a male, married for just over a year and my wife is now starting to talk about children due to many of our friends letting me down and having children!

I personally like my life as it is and I would happily not have children but I feel this seems very unfair to her, even though I have always hinted that I wouldn't want children (so not to mislead) and how I/we sigh (now and in the past) when we leave friends houses that are a mess, the noise from crying, plus they look tired aswell - returning to my nice clean modern house.

3 male friends have all told me "don't have kids" and they have kids, they turn up looking tired and annoyed at the previous evenings antics or lack of sleep!

Any advise or similar situations welcome.....please

Tbf a lot of men aren't bothered about children until they have their own, and even then they only like their own children. It's normal

First of all to everyone with a total sense of humour failure - "my friends are letting me down by having children" is a joke.

A bit of banter type joke that people have with their mates when they get married, have children etc >eye roll....

moving on. amale I really didn't like children, especially DH's nieces and nephews, the way they destroyed peace and quiet, the way I had to laugh at seemingly obvious shit that all children do - yawn.
DH and I had an amazing life going on holidays, going out, having show homes (we loved doing projects and renovations as DH is a joiner).

My friends 'let me down' too by having sprogs and even worse, because I was in possesion of breasts, they seemed to think id want to see the little feckers and babysit them .

When I had them overnight id feel nothing but dread and couldn't wait to see the back of them ASAP. Id then put my perfect home back into shape and swear Id NEVER have kids.

We then got to 30 + 33 and one drunken night I conceived my first child. I didn't know how I felt but mostly panic striken and scared id never have a maternal bone to put up with the hard work it would bring.

All I can say is, if you don't have them, at least you'd never know what you had missed.

I now have a 3.5 yr old DS and a 1 yr old DD and we have never been happier.
When it's your own it is light years away from other folks kids who still, by the way, get on my nerves!

I still get that feeling when friends visit with kids, please go.
My kids are mine so they aren't hard work, I think that boring shit kids do is AMAZING when mine do it and that's why people tend to have more than one.

My show home is more Toy's R Us V Laura Ashley but the anal freak in you will find ways to lighten up! I never think about it now.

I also worked with a guy who's wife harped on about kids for years and they nearly split up. He finally relented and boy, did he spend 9 months looking like the most miserable bloke on earth. TBH, he also spent the first few months looking like he would cry.

When asking him he was getting on at first his words were
"if you ever want to get out of the house again, don't have kids" then stormed off!

That little boy became his world. I have had on heart never known a more devoted dad. He, wait for it, even brought little Alex to the xmas lunches 4 years in a row - yip, he turned to mush. He'd sit their oblivious to all the faces and was so proud of his boy.

They then went on to have another, a little girl and 4 days before her 1st birthday he died suddenly of a heart attack aged 34 .

He was the best dad but the most reluctant to become one.

I so so happy, being a parent now, he didn't resist and he knew what it was like to love and be loved by a child.

Im not trying to talk you into it, honest , but mearly trying to tell you DON'T GO BY OTHER PEOPLES CHILDREN. It's not even close to that.
Also, don't dismiss yourself as unable to deeply love/enjoy every minute of your own little person.

Whatever happens, talk to your wife honestly. Good luck.

this could be useful

my brother was like you, and after years of marriage his wife decided to get pregnant sny way, the stress was too much and the marriage broke up, but he likes being a dad and now has another baby with his new partner.

OP I wonder if you are using your friends as cover here? I think a lot of men roll their eyes and moan a bit about their kids - it's somehow not entirely macho to admit that you love domesticity and kids and everything that goes with them (just as it seems unacceptable for women to admit that they don't like being awake for half the night...) but I am sure that if you had a proper conversation with them you might find a different perspective.

But if you really think you don't want children you have to be upfront about this with your wife - it may be a deal-breaker, but so much worse to have a child that you don't want, thus betraying 2 people.

I am female, I didn't want children, got pregnant . Decided to keep the baby and now have 3 children (with the same partner, got a bit carried away I know).

I love them to bits and wouldn't change anything about them (well apart from the selective hearing) do my best for them etc. But, and this may not be a common view, if I could go back in time and not get pregnant, therefore have no knowledge of them. Well that would take a lot of thought. My life is ruled by them obviously and I don't resent it, but knowing the reality,I can't be sure I wouldn't change it.

Is tempered by the fact I'm not from a longlived family therefore probably won't get much child free time the other end.

As I said I left a DP who did not want children.He used to fob me off with timing not right, not a good time at work etc.. I believed him until I had the courage to ask outright.His answer damn near killed me, I loved him so much,but it was not enough. He remains childless to this day,with an affluent life and various girlfriends. I did us both a favour really. We had been due to marry, and it was in the days in run up to ceremony that I asked him.I just had a niggling feeling.

Sorry, keyboard sticking so alot didn't make sense

If it helps, mine's slept from 7pm - 7am since he was 16 weeks old, and several hours' worth of nap in the daytime. I'm not working (he's 15months now) and I've never been so rested in my life! Don't believe the hype!

If you love your wife, then you will be honest with her. She wants children and you don't then you need to split as soon as possible. It takes time to find a good husband. Also its best to concieve children before 35.

How could you get married without discussing this?!

If you are adamant that you don't want them and she is adamant she does, you must tell her NOW and let her move on. I don't think wanting children is something she will be able to compromise on, I'm afraid.

How sure are you that you don't want children?

My XH was always completely open about where he was wrt having children. Quite early on he became absolutely sure that he did not want them, and gave me that message with complete clarity.

It was that clarity that eventually allowed me to acknowledge that unfortunately I wanted children more than I loved him. I would have liked both, but that wasn't an option so I had to choose.

Although that was all incredibly painful, actually we eventually parted on quite reasonable and respectful terms, because he was so clear and so honest.

I'm slightly concerned that you think your wife is basically starting to want children just because she sees other people having them. In the same way that you don't want children, she does. You need to acknowledge that as an equally valid and personal feeling, not just something she's seen elsewhere and fancies a go at. It was only when I realised that my XH really didn't want children (I actually couldn't imagine this as a real human possibility) that I was able to stop being angry with him.

Having children is enormously stressful, tiring and dull quite a lot of the time (rather like most jobs, only more hours), and it also does change your life hugely. IMO for a lot of relationships, the preschool years can feel a lot more like a partnership than a romance. You need to be open with each other and accept real feelings, be flexible and open to possibilities, otherwise you are looking at some very unpleasant times and arguments.

OP, I do have some sympathy for you. I am as adamant as you are about not wanting children and I know as well as you do that there can be no compromise here. I am very glad for all the people on here who were relucant parents and now say they cannot imagine life without their children. That's fantastic for them and I'm glad it worked out so well but NOT EVERYONE feels this way.

OP, only you can say if you could see yourself as a parent. If you are totally sure that you do not want to be a father, you must be honest with your wife immediately. If you really love her, you must give her the opportunity to make her own choice about this. Please don't delay.

You definitely need to have a good hard think and decide whether you want kids or not. And it has to be a yes or no answer, not 'maybe, in a few years I might want kids' because that's not fair to your wife. Don't dismiss the idea immediately, lots of people don't enjoy spending time with other people's children but absolutely love having their own. I would start by chatting with some of your friends who have kids, but individually. When parents are together you often get the competitive moaning which disguises their true feelings.

If you honestly feel that you don't want to be a father you have to be absolutely open and frank with your wife. And as others say, accept that she may not be able to stay with you. You can't put any pressure on her to agree with you, because in the long term that could cause resentment and end the marriage anyway. The same if you agreed to have kids just for her sake- just setting yourselves up for a future of blame and resentment if your heart's not in it.

mackerel do you honestly find your own kids stressful, tiring and dull most of the time, like most jobs with more hours? Really?

I had a job like that once, stressful and dull at the same time, I can't really compare that to my kids by any stretch of the imagination.

I find this job has shit loads more job satisfaction, many more laughs and moments of feeling like my heart will burst with pride.

I can't see how having kids is just like a crap job .

Honestly, I get annoyed at statements like that because it those very statements that very nearly had me decide Id never have kids. Thank god i didn't go by that.

When I announced to friends I was PG on a night out they launched into a huge Loooong (boring) moan about their LO and what a fecking nightmare it is. I went home in tears and it took me weeks to pick myself up again. Arseholes.

They do nothing BUT talk about their DS and absolutely love him to bits. I regularly hear how he is their world so WTF did they feel the need to tell me it's so hard?

Bare in mind when you have no kids, you have absolutely no idea what it's like so you could take that as literal.

Don't assume this guy isn't just shit scared right now of being pushed into something whilst listening to a bunch of men in the pub exagerating.

my son is great. having him/looking after him is frequently not.

My sister's dh was absolutely adamant he didn't want dcs. It came to a point where the marriage would have broken down if he wouldn't.

He decided to go for the dcs. He has two now and he absolutely adores them.

I think it's different when they're your own.

I think age is a key factor in this.

If you are 20 years old then you have plenty of time (generally) to stall and wait a while enjoying holidays, nights out etc.

If you are 30 then you should be thinking more clearly about options.

If you are 40 and still don't want kids then I'm afraid for your DW the ship may have sailed without her.

You aren't a bad person for not wanting kids, it's your choice. However, not raising the issue with your DW who does want to consider having children is a bit offhand, imo.

Kudos to you though for taking time to seek out advice online.

My Dh decided he didn't want kids despite us discussing it before we got married. We seperated for 6 months during which he explored the reasons he didn't want them.

He decided he was willing to do it in the end. I spent the whole pregnancy worrying that he was only doing it for me and he wouldn't enjoy fatherhood.

He is now a devoted father of 2 and frequently thanks me for not ditching him and giving him his lovely chidren. He's not interested in other peoples kids and frequently complains he is tired but the rewards are worth it for him.

Just because someone complains about their children doesn't mean they don't love them. I always play down how fantastic my children are to childless friends as I don't want to sound boring or smug.