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Parenting

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Original poster

can you 'spoil' a three week old?

29 replies

Jujo2011 · 25/01/2011 07:56

Hello everyone, I'm new here, but would a bit of advice please? I have a three week old little girl, first baby for both myself and DP.

Basically to cut a long story short, my little girl hasn't been very well, she's had a pretty bad cold. Now for the last week or so, she has become a little clingy, she likes to be cuddled, which I have been doing, as the poor mite, when she's breathing you can hear her rasping. Anyway my MIL came round the other night, and basically said I was spoiling her by cuddling her all the time, she told me I was making a rod for my own back, and if I carried on cuddling her to sleep, she will always need to be cuddled to sleep. I told her, as she is so bunged up, she struggles to sleep at the moment, so if I can get her to sleep by cuddling her I will, and then I put her down in her moses basket. MIL then told me that I should leave baby to cry!!!! This seems a bit cruel to me, to leave a three week old to cry herself to sleep, MIL said as long as she has been fed and has a clean nappy etc, then crying will do her no harm, and I should leave her to it. I'm not sure I agree with this, (and I'm not sure I would be able to leave her crying) but as this is my first baby, I could be wrong, and I certainly do not want a clingy baby, caused by me cuddling her 'too much' I didn't realise you could cuddle a three week old 'too much' - she's three weeks old fgs!

Anyone any thoughts? How old should a baby be when they start to settle themselves in their moses basket/cot? should I leave her to cry?

Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BeerTricksPotter · 25/01/2011 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Appletrees · 25/01/2011 07:58

Your mil is wrong. Cuddle her, feed her, ignore your mil. She is so dang wrong. And why is she telling you what to do anyway?

Ime you're more likely to end up with a clinger if you don't do that cuddly thing as they end up all insecure.

TanteRose · 25/01/2011 07:58

If you don't cuddle her, and if you leave to cry at this young age, her brain won't develop properly...seriously!

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TheArmadillo · 25/01/2011 07:59

she's far too young to be left to cry.

you can't spoil a newborn baby.

AMumInScotland · 25/01/2011 08:00

Your MIL comes from a generation who thought that's the way to do things. Seriously, your baby will grow up into a secure person if she gets the cuddles she wants now, and will be less likely to be clingy later because she knows she can rely on you. Ignore MIL and cuddle away!

CrystalQueen · 25/01/2011 08:01

You spoil a child by giving them what they want, not what they need. A newborn only has needs. Pick her up. Remember, she's your baby. Do what you think is right.

McDreamy · 25/01/2011 08:01

Cuddle her and then cuddle her some more! Very old fashioned advice from your MIL. Congratulations btw!

coldtits · 25/01/2011 08:04

No. you could strap her to your boobs 24/7 and she still won't get spoilt. Maybe at around 4 - 6 months old you can leave her for a minute or two to whinge about how UNFAIR you are to say it's bedtime, but right now, it doesn't matter.

Original poster

Jujo2011 · 25/01/2011 08:05

Thanks for the quick replies!

I thought three week old was much too young to be left to cry as well, so I have point blank refused to leave her to cry.

Wow, I shall have to google the brain not developing properly thing, and print it off for the next time she starts... that should shut her up! lol!

OP posts:

Bucharest · 25/01/2011 08:06

No!

(in answer to your question)

Enjoy your cuddles and don't listen to anyone over the age of 50.

WorzselMummage · 25/01/2011 08:14

Not all over 50's have odd views on parenting!

Neither my mum (57)or my nan (80) would have dreamt of leaving a newborn to cry on their own. It's not what a good parent of any generation would do.

Tell mil to bog off

HSMM · 25/01/2011 08:17

The most useful thing my NCT teacher told us was that we could spoil our babies as much as we liked up to 6 months old and from then onwards had to start being more sensible.

That really helped me relax in those early days and not worry about my parenting skills too much.

KTisPG · 25/01/2011 08:22

Cuddle away and enjoy!

QuickLookBusy · 25/01/2011 08:24

Don't listen to your MIL!

She is your baby, do what you think is best. Cuddling your baby is one of the most wonderful things in the whole world. Enjoy her!

strawberrycake · 25/01/2011 08:30

It's your baby, follow your instincts. They're pretty good if you listen to them. My own 'spoilt' baby is now 8 months and pretty independent. In fact I just turned round to see he'd woken and was sitting in the cot silently watching me!

bubbles12 · 25/01/2011 08:38

I agree absolutely with all the other posters. The most important thing is to trust your instincts. She is your baby (well, and her Dad's ) so you make the parenting decisions.

Enjoy all those lovely cuddles!

massivebigMissCathCartface · 25/01/2011 08:41

cuddle away! I second all that the other posters have said. She has spent the last 9 months being 'cuddled' inside you after all...

TheSkiingGardener · 25/01/2011 08:41

This book explains the brain thing

Why love matters

It's absolutely right that leaving a very young baby to cry affects the way the brain develops and can have long term impact. They didn't know that when your MIL was a young mum.

threefeethighandrising · 25/01/2011 09:04

You can't baby a baby! The clue is in the name

Seriously, the current thinking is that children become more independent as they grow up, if they feel secure and have had their dependency needs met. So by denying a child cuddles, you could actually be making them a more insecure person.

Trust your instincts, and ignore your MIL on this - and anyone else who says anything about "rod for your own back" I hate that phrase!
Her views are very outdated.

You sound like a great mum, wishing you lots more lovely cuddles with your LO.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 25/01/2011 09:16

Ignore your MIL. In fact give her a slap if she comes out with such inane nonsense again. (Just kidding!!!)
At 3 weeks old she is only just getting used to not being a physical part of you!
Poor little baby - you keep giving her lots of cuddles, might be best to hold her against your shoulder rather than across your chest - might help her breathe a little easier, if she is more upright.
Similarly, when you do put her in her moses basket or cot to sleep pop a couple of books under the head end to raise it.
Hope she feels better soon!

MoonUnitAlpha · 25/01/2011 09:18

The more a baby is cuddled and comforted in the first 6 months, the less they cry in the next 6 months.

Ignoring a crying baby and not meeting her needs will just make for an anxious, needy child.

Ohforfoxsake · 25/01/2011 09:23

Your MIL is wrong, wrong, wrong.

BUT I suspect she wants to contribute and share her experience. Try not to tell her to bog off, smile through gritted teeth and say thank you, but today's advice is different (then wait for her to say "it didnt do DH any harm").

Saline nasal drops are good to clear babies blocked noses.

Personally I believe you should be doing nothing more than feeding and gazing at your baby for the first 6 weeks, aspiring to have a shower and clean your teeth daily.

RunningOutOfIdeas · 25/01/2011 09:24

I think the theory is that when a baby is left to cry their body produces cortisol. If they are often left to cry they gradually become used to a higher level of cortisol circulating in their body. Children with high cortisol levels are generally more 'stressed' and tend to become thrill seekers to achieve a good feeling. With younger children this can mean being more aggressive, less aware of danger etc.

My answer to anyone who said I was making a rod for my own back with cuddles, dummy... has been to say "I am fairly confident DD won't still need it by the time she's 18".

threefeethighandrising · 25/01/2011 09:25

"Personally I believe you should be doing nothing more than feeding and gazing at your baby for the first 6 weeks, aspiring to have a shower and clean your teeth daily."

Very well put

dessen · 25/01/2011 09:28

your mil is talking total rubbish imho. I've co-slept, bf & carried my little ones & they've turned out just fine. Poor little thing with a cold & blocked up (have you got one of those suck it out nose cleaners - they're super)

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