Grief about babies growing up - am I loopy?

[ExistentialistCat]

I've got two DDs, aged 18 months and 4 months. For many reasons, it makes sense to stick to two children and I'm 90% certain that we won't have any more.

I've been enjoying every new stage of each DD's development so much. It's wonderful to see them grow, and so far it's just been getting better and better.

So why this ridiculous tearfulness at the thought that they are growing up so quickly? Especially since even my big girl is still very small, really?!

It's just hitting me quite suddenly. I saw a newborn baby at soft play this morning and it was such a shock to realise that DD2 is definitely not a tiny baby anymore. I've been weeping into the sleepsuits she's outgrown.

Am I losing my marbles? Is this hormones talking, wanting to make me broody again? Or just the effect of chronic (and ongoing) sleep deprivation?!

I feel the same and my DD2 is not even 5 months yet! I imagine that newborns have that effect on mums no matter how many children you have had.

We won't be having any more due to age, money, me hating pregnancy, DH's health issues. The thought of it makes me cry even though I wouldn't really want to do it all again.

Glad to hear it's getting better and better with two. I have a similar age gap and two lovely DDs (though a bit wistful about the DS that never was).

No, you aren't going mad. Mine are almost 4 and 13 months. And because I know we're not having any more, I am feeling sadder now. However, when DD turned one I felt better when I remembered how much fun I had with DS between ages 1 and 2 and how much they learn in terms of walking/talking/etc and I realised that with each stage there will be something to look forward to. Just think, as they get older their toys will be that much more interesting, they will be able to converse with you more, and enjoy them as they grow and learn. This is just the beginning, believe me .

Oh good, if I am going loopy at least I seem to be doing it in good company!

The strength and the irrationality of my feelings has overwhelmed me. There is no way I want to do the newborn bit again and I can't wait for my day not to revolve entirely around naps, feeding of one sort or another, and nappy changes. And yet, and yet... Even the thought of DD2 moving out of our bedroom, noisy snufflemonster that she is, makes me sad.

It is crazy but I feel the same and I have 4 children ranging from 4 months to 14. Just remember they all turn into teenagers...!

Dont worry! you are not alone. I have a 4 year old son and a 5 month old baby.i also do not plan to have anymore.
Already my daughter is growing out of her tiny sleepsuits and i am having an extremely difficult time letting them go. i refuse to throw them and i couldn't bare to give them away because they are MY memories.
Her moses basket is now too small for her so i am keeping that for her dolls. I dont feel ready to let any of her stuff go yet :(
To say it breaks my heart is an understatement.
I did not feel like this when my son was growing up because i knew i was going to have another baby one day.
i believe this is our way of coping with the fact that we wont be having anymore of OUR OWN. But think of it this way! hopefully our children will one day have children of their own and we will have the pleasure of being in their life too, only without all the sleep deprivation and feeding.
Funny thing is i missed all the feeding and waking up in the night once my son grew out of them, weird or what? so now im just making the most of every minuet good or bad! ;)

I felt like this until my son dc2 became a toddler then I saw sense. Ha ha. Still once he goes to school I will be v sad as my days will not be the same but I feel it's a process you go throgh when your accepting no more babies for you

Don't worry they just get more and more fabulous and entertaining.

My eldest is 9.5 now - it breaks my heart to be honest - she is a bright, intelligent kind little girl but each day she is moving a little bit further from me. I would quite happily stop the world today and keep them as they are now.

I think its natural. It's lovely to see them grow up, and feeling excited and amazed with the new things they learn and can you but then you will never get those small days back, so its bitter sweet. Definitely understandable to get a bit emotional, especially if you're not having any more, but then think of the fun things you have in store as they get bigger

I am another sufferer plagued with misery at the thought of them growing.

I have an uber cute 3.5 yr old DS and a hilarious 13 month old little bundle of pink mischief.

I constantly want to sniff her hair and bite her squidgy bum (that's normal, right?).

I stare at my DS and will him to stop growing right there.

I watched him get a lot better on his scooter at the weekend and being very pleased with himself so I grabbed him, kissed him and told him I loved him then I watched him wizz away, shouting I LOVE YOU TOO MUMMEEEEE. He looked so small and cute as he stopped every passer by and told them he was out with Mummy, Daddy, baby sister and his scooter and he has a big buzz lightyear at home!

So, OP Im hoping it's just watching them grow is so fun that you panic the fun will somehow end but it won't.

My mum reassures that you learn to let go a bit when they are teenagers because they are so fecking nippy you can't wait to see the back of them, it's natures way apparently thanks mum!

I am just like this too - I want to STOP my two year old at her current age and just keep her like this! As DH points out, I have been saying this for her entire life, at every stage she's gone through... but if she's anything like I was as a teenager, I'll probably want to start fast-forwarding once she hits 13

My two will be 10 and 7 in a couple of months, and I really miss them being small! I've been fighting broodiness for a couple of years on and off, and am now wondering whether a third child might be an option. But I've loved them at every stage of their lives so far, so I miss each bit as they go past it! Right now, they're very caring towards me, proper mummy's little men, and I think that if I had a third it would almost be like having an only child as he/she would be so far away from them.

So, in conclusion, you're certainly not alone to grieve over how fast time passes! I'd imagine that there are few parents who wouldn't wish themselves back to some point or other. Even my mother wishes herself back to when I was about three and she was the centre of my world!

Mine are 12(almost 13) and 15 years old now and I still feel sad at each stage we leave behind.
I remember when I moved the cot from my room to DS1's own room when he was 6 months old. I felt bereft.

What I can tell you is that every year, every stage they have been delightful in different ways. I have loved it all. I always wish thay would stay the age they are forever, and yet I'm constantly surprised by how much of a pleasure they are at the next age.

When you have babies people always say you must treasure every minute as it goes so quickly. Well I've tried to do that.
If pushed I'd say the ages from 6 to 10 are the best and I am amazed how much I like having a teenager.

My Ds1 turned 18 at the end of 2010, it was causing me actual pain when I thought back to him as a baby, toddler, and little boy!
He was becoming a man, a fantastic young man that I am immensely proud of, but it was really hard!

I think it's perfectly normal.. I definitely feel like that on a regular basis sometimes and there are obviously lots of us on here..
I imagine it might even be a little bit hormonal in your case as your baby is still so small.
What I was going to say though is that I think it's important that we don't become overwhelmed by this feeling. My sister's eldest will be starting secondary in September and she is positively in mourning, almost to the extent where it's interfering with her everyday enjoyment of her children.
Just a thought to bear in mind.

I grieve for the loss of my babies. I'd give my right arm for an afternoon with each of them still at my knee. They're 17, 15 and 13, and each one is a delight. But those days have gone forever.

SO reassuring to hear that it's just normal loopiness, then... Good thought, mamsnet, about not being overwhelmed by this feeling. It could so easily take over and make it impossible to enjoy the present. Instead, I'm trying to harness it to make the not-so-lovely bits more bearable. Awake from 4 this morning with nappy changes and feeding, I was able to see the positive side by reminding myself that my baby soon wouldn't need me this much anymore.

I occasionally wonder whether the grief is an indication that I "should" have more children, but I don't suppose there's a linear relationship between grief and number of children - one is always going to be the last pregnancy, birth and little baby.

Me too! Dd is 3 and ds 9m. Is it good enough reason for dc3?

loved this thread.thankyou.8.5 DD and 2 yr old DS.was broody a long time after DD started school,but so scared/unsure i delayed it.now i am still sad that i can't have newborn days back and look sadly at small grows e.t.c.,but also appreciating advantages that these stages are bringing.100% that i dn't want to do it all again,due to age,money,2 bad births and 1 bad pregnancy.practicalities would not admit another child.but i do not think abut it at all now,bar the odd passing cute newborn,my mind is more at peasce now,because i still have vivid memories of all the bad bits and now the family feels balanced and right to me,whereas i was on mumsnet for hours between kids,ging on about broodiness and should i have more.now i know.glad i did,but no more!!.probably helped though because i have a girl and a boy so feels perfect to me,why upset the apple cart attitude. my hands feel very full to the point where i might crash if any extra stress/duties,so my main other reason.still get very nostalgic though and my DD getting independant to,feel miles away from her sometimes...very sad!!
like someone else said,if only we could do a time travel back to the past good bits for a day/when we fancy...but i suppose that's true of all life experiences.

Our youngest is 4, we have 3 teenagers too, and I wish I could just bottle that beautiful baby smell he has. I know it will go soon and that makes me quite sad.

You are not alone. My DS2 is only 13 weeks and I am 99% sure we will stick at two. But I keep pondering a third and then tell myself to stop thinking about it NOW and to just enjoy it NOW - it's ridiculous! DS1 has just turned 4 and I also feel at that!

I have just taken down my 2.5 years olds cot and when doing it I got a lump in my throat thinking about how it will not be used again by me! DH had the snip 18 months ago and I struggled to get to the point where I accepted that there would be no more.

I think its perfectly normal to feel sadness at the end of each 'stage' of a childs life. I look at my two year old and wonder when she became such an old woman!!

Another one here

Ds is 9 and it sometimes seems as if the last 9 years have passed in a flash. In another 9 he will be 18 and packing to go to uni/travelling or somewhere. It hardly seems any time at all. But for now he's still a funny little boy who still needs a cuddle every day.

I try and remember this, and treasure each and every day. A friend of mine believes that teenagers need be be horrible so the poor parents can contemplate a life without them - natures way of severing the cord

Aw, my 12w DD is currently asleep in my arms as she's feeling poorly after her injections. I've just been looking through the pictures of us in hospital when she was born. I was thinking how I would never forget how I felt in that hospital room, how it smelt, being with this tiny thing that was utterly dependent on me and being terrified!

Hm, may just have a little cry. Those hormones have got a lot to answer for...

Same here. I think it is unavoidable, this feeling, no matter how many children you have.