what is "unconditional parenting"?

[ssd]

seen this on a few threads here and have never heard of it

what does it mean?

I don't understand how you do UC when you have three children under 6 and you have to get out of the door by 8.30am with cold weather gear, homework, lunches, drinks etc

Sometimes children need to do what they are told "because I say so." Other times I can explain my reasoning and ask them what they think. My 18 month old will never want to go in the buggy though.

Lamorna I copletely agree with all you said [smile}

Iirc AK says natural consequences shows dc that you could have stopped the wet feet but didn't. Yes this would mean insisting on shoes.

He sites studies that show dc who are asked to do less are more likely to compl when asked to do so. So not insisting that dc do as you say "because they have to learn to do as they are told".

According to AK thay learn this, but not by being asked to do things "cause I say so"

WE ddo all have an agenda. This comes accros in lots of subtle ways. I guess UP is about trying to conciously keep this in check. Your agenda might not be dc's agenda?

Maisy I think the point is not to assume that it is a "whim"

ANd than to find a way to make more time so it isn't such a rush.

Did youu hearr me? I know it's a long way down from this ivory tower

As I say...I haven't put it in to prctice yet!

Norman...that sounds fairly like UP to me any way.

The review of the book in the link is interesting. I never thought of star charts and sticker books as a traditional way of parenting. Surely this a relatively new idea.

I don't think I parent in an "unconditional way" but I certainly don't use rewards and punishments to the extreme, d doesn't have a reward chart and isn't punished or rewarded in a systematic way.

Then again dd isn't really naughty, she behaves because that is what is expected of her and her reward is that we don't punish her.

I think most children know that parents love them unconditionally, regardless of their discipline strategies.

OK

But three kids later (13, 11 and 3) I'm sticking with the whim! However, I'm sure that each of them had their Reasons for not wanting socks and shoes on, whilst preferring to wear a fairy outfit with no coat in midwinter - I just didn't always have the time or the inclination to bend to them, and they quickly find out that nursery and school don't either. Nice theory though.

I think it is fine if you have one DC, if you have several it falls apart when they all have different agendas. It also depends on personality, some won't reason, some are people pleasers and some will always have the last word whatever!
Sometimes bribery works! I wanted my DC to read and set up a reward system. He read to get the rewards, but in time he did as I hoped and it changed to reading for pleasure.
I think it is very difficult to be absolutely sure that you are not manipulating and that your DC is picking up the subtle hints of what you really want and is getting 'rewards' by co operating and pleasing you.
I would like to know how Alfie Kohn's DCs turned out before I passed judgement. It is like all these things, read and take out the bits that suit you and your DCs and your situation. There is no need to follow slavishly.

What - you let him go without shoes, and wear a fairy outfit with no coat in midwinter?

You save a lot of bother if some things are routine and not up for negotiation.(the things that need to be done on a daily basis)

I think Juule (sp?) has 6 children and is an advocate of UP if you search the archives

Don't throw the theory out with the fairy wings!

I practise RP or Random Parenting which is designed to keep my children on their toes. Who knows what The Rules will be today!

I do use star charts but get bored/ forget to fill them in. Ditto pocket money.

Sometimes I appear to have all the answers like a rs mummy. At other times I have no idea why DD1 should stop thumping DD2 and recommend they watch TV and stop bugging me.

Maybe I should write a book

Love it Norman!

But you make him wear his shoes and socks?

what happens when the little darlings get to school and have a shock to find out that there is no such thing as "unconditional teaching"...

what happens when the little darlings get to school and have a shock to find out that there is no such thing as "unconditional teaching"...

A lot of them don't go to school I guess

Exactly - and the teacher insists that they put on their coats? It can happen even before they go to school - nurseries don't practice unconditional teaching either. It's amazing to see how children 'adapt' to the lack of unconditional anything there, whilst enjoying their time

I think that it is fine and DCs are very adaptable. They like rules and boundries, boring routine, knowing where they stand, things being consistent and knowing that an adult will take charge and not take them out half dressed etc.
I can imagine some DCs as adults being very angry and saying 'why didn't you make me clean my teeth, you knew better than a 3 yr old at the time!'
There was a long thread about the Dragon Mother' (extreme Chinese parenting). My argument was that adults shouldn't blame the parent and if they hadn't kept something up as a child they could get on and do it as an adult. I was in the minority, the general consensus was 'my mother should have made me'. It will be interesting to see what the DCs brought up by that method think about it as adults.