Anyone had a very difficult/demanding child who has grown out of it?

[confusedperson]

Everyone knows that there are easy children and difficult children. My 3yo DS is a difficult child (aggresively physical, demanding, grumpy, not very happy child in general and makes us tip toe around him) and I wonder if this is in his nature and he will always be like that? Or will he grow out of this?
Sometimes I think that these difficult children can grow up either with a huge potential to achieve well in life, or can be a complete failure. While the "normal" children are likely to grow up to an average person. Maybe I am wrong, but I am so worried about my DS.
Anyone can share any (positive) experiences?

By all accounts I was a horrendous challenging child, but I am now absolutely lovely (honest!), and have been since I was a teenager. My sister was a very easy baby / child, and a horrific teenager, and is now a lovely, very intelligent adult, who works with people who have terminal illnesses. So it does work out in the end.

DS2 was a nightmare baby/toddler/child he had me reduced to tears most days he was hard work for me up until the age of 4, a meltdown most days, the first of which could have been over the colour of the bowl he had his porridge in or whether he had Spiderman or Thomas the Tank pants on. He's just turned 6 now and has evolved into a lovely sunny little boy and incredibly loving, loads of kisses and cuddles. He still has the odd tantrum, but generally only when tired and to be honest because it's only the odd one I'm able to deal with it much better, when it was constant screaming all day long my nerves were frazzled.

I think it's a case of as he became better at expressing his feelings and needs his feelings of anger and frustration have lessened. Also he's a very bright little boy, so going to school and focusing on learning new things every day has done him the world of good.

Thank you Fennel and ChickFlit..you have given me lots of hope! As I said previously I love my dd to bits but the challenging behaviour is draining sometimes. Here's hoping she will become easier as she becomes more able to express her feelings (she does find this difficult at the moment)

"If a child can be 'good' and comply with boundaries at school - or with other people then the 'problem' cannot be with the child ?"

Don't agree with this comment at all. Ime some extremely challenging children behave immaculately at school or with grandparents and then come home and are absolute horrors. The effort of behaving is so enormous that they take it out on the only people they can trust. It is proof that they have been taught to behave well- probably by their parents as it so happens- and that they do try, but that they can't keep it up all the time.

My db was a child prone to violent tantrums who grew up into a wonderful caring gentle adult, largely thanks to my parents' combination of never-failing patience and firm boundaries: but it took them close on 10 years! Throughout this time his behaviour at school and outside was immaculate; to any outsider he came across as a shy, gentle child with very good manners.

My own dd was also a difficult child, but was never in trouble at school even during her most difficult periods. I don't think this is because I was a failure as a parent: I take it to mean that I' ve been a success And as dd is now a very sensible and mature teen- a joy to have around at home as well as being popular at school and with her friends- I think I might say that the proof of the pudding was in the eating and that my methods have worked.

But obviously having a smug grandparent point the finger at me- just because dd was polite to them for a few hours at a time- would hardly have given me the confidence I needed to persevere for month after month, year after year. So I am thankful that my parents and ILs were less ready to judge.

my middle daughter as a baby never slept,as a toddler very difficult to handle,as a teenager we have now gone back to tantrums.

but on the plus side she has never given me any reason not to trust her,has good morals, she is and always has been very independent,she is very strong minded and refuses to follow peer pressure and she achieves whatever she puts her mind to no matter how difficult.

i put it down to personality shes very stubborn and strong willed where my other 2 children are very placid.

Thank you for your post cory - I was going to add earlier that my dd is immaculately behaved at school but didn't due to the comment Davsmum put about this. I didn't want to give her anymore ammunition to say that clearly it is my parenting that is at fault. Am heartened to hear that your dd has calmed down and is now a delight - well done you! Will keep persevering.

Sorry not read all posts, but i would liek to tell you about ds who was a difficult up until he was nearly 6.

He is now 7.5 and he is absolutely lovely.

So for us, we did come out the other end in a lovely way.

brokeoven, do you have any advice how did you achieve this?

Haven't read all the posts, but my brother was very difficult and demanding throughout his childhood. He is now 43 and for all of his adult life he has been a wonderful man, husband, father, son and brother. He has loads of friends who love him too and has been successful at work.

We weathered the storm, confident that any child who came from us would absolutely, no doubt end up ok.

We held our faith that we are bloody good parents, we adored him, did what we said we would do, had consistency, routine and let off steam to each other in a constructive way.

We are an awsome team me and DH.

Above all, and this was by far the most difficult thing to do, we ignored what other people thought or said about him. Because it was evident that every one had a (Negative) opinion of him, and advice.

I do also strongly believe that at some point, they just "get it". The penny drops and the sensible phase begins, this comes with maturity.

hth x

Davsmum your posts make me laugh hollowly / feel a bit annoyed. One of the hardest things for me about my DS's behaviour is people saying to me, or obviously assuming, that's it's because he's been allowed to get away with it, needs boundaries, blah blah.

I kind of don't blame them because I would probably have thought the same if I hadn't had DS. But what he is like (very oversensitive, cries at the drop of a hat, can still have huge tantrums at 5, stubborn as hell, will endure ANY consequence rather than do something he doesn't want to do) is what he is like, despite the fact that we have NEVER given in to a tantrum, have good routines, clear rules, firm boundaries and consequences, and all that jazz.

And yes he does do it at school - he's been sent home from school because he freaked out over something minor and couldn't stop crying.

Re another point in the OP, he does have wonderful qualities, he's incredibly perceptive, imaginative, articulate, obviously a thinker, and when not freaking out can be fantastically empathetic and caring. I do think he'll go far, if he can get the emotional instability under control, because he simply doesn't take no for an answer and ploughs his own furrow.

For us, we've learned a lot of tricks like ways to distract him with jobs to do or experiments to try, a reward system for good behaviour rather than time out or removing toys etc. (doesn't work, yes we did try, for years), and with him, reasoning and explaining works well and always has.

Children are different - I can already see how different my second is and she's not yet 1.

DS1 was always very challenging as a baby and toddler, would get over stimulated very quickly, bored easily, cried and had loads of tantrums.
Things became much easier at around 3.5, he's now an angel at school and fairly easy at home too.
He still plays up if he's hungry - he doesn't really have stuff with additives so its not that, but he's quite a big boy and gets hungry easily.

Davsmum, I hope you can understand that there are parents of challenging children on here, who are parenting consistently and very well and through sheer bloodymindedness NEVER give in, and who are slowly turning grey=haired over the sheer effort this requires every minute of every day. They look at their other children and wonder how two different children can have such drastically different personalities and look at their challenging child and inwardly sigh and wonder if he or she will ever be as easy as their brother/sister.

Parents of these children also feel terribly guilty at comparing their children. They feel TERRIBLY guilty when looking at their partner and agreeing with each other that their child is eomtimes "hard to love." And thinking "What have we done....." And "thank god we didn't have the challenging one first, because he would have been an only child."

Well, I am describing me really. I have done and felt all those things. DS2 (challenging from day 1 to the point of me feeling he literally AGED me for the first 2.5 yrs of his life) is now nearly 5. He is bloody brilliant, I can't tell you how much. He's the light of my life, my absolute world. Such a sunny personality, and so so affectionate. Very bright and sociable. He will always try to push the boundaries and ask why he should do something we ask him to do, or have a melt down if he feels particularly disappointed about something. But he is now nowhere near as hard work as he used to be, OP, so rest assured that they DO mature!

I clearly remember a lovely nursery teacher sympathising with me once and telling me that her son usd to be terribly hard work and how at 5 he had completely settled down and lit up the room when he walked into it, and I just couldn't ever see that it could happen to my son. But it did.

Oh, thanks for reasurrance everyone. When I had to leave my DS1 with a childminder, because I had to return to work, I clearly remember myself worrying not about DS1, but about a childminder or whoever I would leave my son with, because he could really drive them mad with all this screaming and grumpiness.
My DS1 didn't justify any of my motherhood expectations, and I only felt happy motherhood on the day when my DS2 was born. Only then it occured to me "it is all worth when the baby smiles back", when with DS1 it has been such a hard work, that one odd smile didn't feel like worth it.
Now it is better as I get a bit of smiles or cuddles, however the hard part has also became harder.
I do hope that he will change for good.

curly, thats my situation and i felt EXACTLY as you describe at times, What have we done wrong etc etc.

DS was our first and we have not had any more children main reason....his first 5 years

Gosh curly, I really hope 5 is the magic answer...although my dd is 4.6 now and shows no signs of becoming less challenging so I think it may take a little longer here...?!

I can relate to everything you said in your post although my challenging child is the eldest and I do often wonder how we were brave enough to have a second child. Of course I would have loved them both unconditionally even if number 2 was also very challenging...but the gamble paid off and (so far!!) our youngest is so easy by comparision (and yes, I do feel guilty comparing them). Thanks for your post.

I am having a difficult day with my DH being away, DS2 being ill and DS1 going destructive and wild. We currently have friends staying with their 1.5yo child, and my DS1 just gets crazy when he sees him. He immediatelly gets playfully destructive - slamming doors, crashing his toys, annoyingly repeating everything that adults say, not doing what he is told (either not reacting or doing in opposite), and if I catch him to punish him (not easy with an ill baby in a sling), he gets mad and crazy screaming in his bedroom at timeout, and even after staying there for a while refuses to say Sorry. Very difficult indeed :(

Actually the more I am trying to control and discipline my DS, the more he seems to be laughing in my face :(

Sorry you're having a bad day confusedperson. Is ds1 also perhaps a little jealous of ds2? I know my dd is still fiercely competitive of ds and he is now 2.3. And if your ds2 is ill as well, I guess you're worrying about him and probably sleep deprived which also makes ds1's behaviour harder to deal with. Also hard when you have people staying.

Sorry not being much help but sympathise greatly. Hope you get through the day ok (and put that bottle of wine in the fridge to chill for later when they're in bed!)

Ladies in general and Curly in particular, I am in tears as I have felt so alone in this and to read that I am not is a relief.
Yet part of me is unable to believe that it will actually get any better.
My ds is nearly 6 and it seems to be getting worse. I loved being Mum to him until I had dd and had post natal depression. Things have improved over the last 4 years but I just look at him and see a cross, unhappy, selfish, disobedient little boy. He is strong willed, emeoitional, flips out over the little things. I totally get the tip toeing thing as being a bit like risk assessing situations to avoid maximum impact.
We have been consistant, they know that no means no, do not try and play mum and dad off each other.
I don't even feel like I have enough strength to write what it's like as it is all a bit overwhelming and depressing to put together. I just feel like a failure and I know I don't get to do it again. I feel like I need to fix it but don't know how as it is all too big.

I thought it would get easier but it's just got worse. PLease tell me it isn't like this forever as all I can see is that I am going to have a nightmare for the next 10 plus years.
Going to have to stop now as i can barely see what I am typing.
OP totall y feel for you.

SiriusStar it will get better, it really will. You sound at crisis point though. Can you pull in some extra help, just at this time to get you over this rocky patch? Ask a neighbour/friend for some help? Try and reduce the demands on you this week, don't do unnecessary things, just do the basics and try and chill out at home.

I think these children can be mush worse when tired so can you go for a week of early bedtimes? Maybe skip any afterschool extras and just come home after school, read, play games and early tea and bed.

I sometimes have a few days where my DS2 is particularly difficult to manage - it often follows a busy weekend when he was tired from the previous schoolweek but didn't get the catch up rest he needed, so starts the next week on really bad form. I have cancelled all manner of things before now and just stayed home with him in a 'containing things' way.

SiriusStar, you poor thing. I totally understand how you feel. Mine is only 3yo and all the same. Actually, you used one word that perfectly describes him and I was loking for it - disobenient. You say you feel as a failure, I, in opposite, sometimes think that my son is some kind of failure (can I start all over again? - a rethoric question) and I will not be able to fix it.
We haven't been consistent parents to our DS though, as we still trying what works best for him. Previously, I was all for strict discipline, thought it would keep him under control, but sometimes would end up yelling to keep things under control. Now I have been reading a book called "Playful Parenting", and hopefully I will try and ease things a bit.
I hope it will get better for all of us and our children will end up high flyers and achievers.

Feeling a lot better today. Yesterday was particularly hard but better weepy than in a rage. I agree about being tired and am going to try to get a good run of early nights this week. Much more rational today, although, ds has been fantastic in all areas so praised him up for it. Harder to be rational and calm when the shit is hitting the fan.

SiriusStar, I'm just about to go to bed but couldn't not post.

Just a couple of things really.....did you get your PND properly under control after your daughter, or is it something that still lingers, do you think?

I'd second the tiredness thing too - DS2 is terrible when he's tired. Really grumpy, and it's very noticeable. And when he's hungry. When he's not either of these things he's pretty much on a level these days.

But what I find hard is the way he totally wears his heart on his sleeve so everyone in the room gets to experience exactly how he's feeling - brilliant if he's in a great mood as he makes everyone else feel happy too and can really lift your spirits. But he can equally really affect the mood of the whole family if he's not in a good mood himself because he just doesn't seem to have learnt that it's really not ok to complain about every little thing that he sees is not quite right or that it's not ok to make everyone in the room feel and experience HIS disappointment at something that didn't go his way. I guess that's the problem with most of these "challenging" children - they will let you know they are displeased with something. Less challenging ones might just grumble inwardly or just accept the situation and shrug it off.

Sirius, your son will be at school now so could there be a problem at school that you don't know about? My sister also has a challenging one (and an angelic, well-behaved, laid-back daughter, like that from day 1 incidentally!) and he is 6, and until recently your words " cross, unhappy, selfish, disobedient little boy. He is strong willed, emeoitional, flips out over the little things" could have been about him.

Things were affecting the rest of the family sooo bad, his behaviour was making everyone miserable. We were all worried for my nephew because he just didn't seem happy. Eventually, one night he just came out with the revelation that he was being bullied in school. BIG relief from my sister to know there might actually be a reason for his terrible behaviour! She and the school worked really well together to sort it out and he is a changed little boy now. Much happier and much more pleasant to be around, but will still always be able to be described as "challenging" I think!

I think the other thing that helped my sister is really trying to focus on the good behaviours of my nephew. It's all so easy to just be swamped by the bad behaviours, isn't it? And then it seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You expect bad behaviour so that's what you get..... so they tried very hard to be over the top in their praise and encouragement of his efforts. They also realised there was a hell of a lot of jealousy towards his little sister, and thinking about it, he might well have had reason to: his sister was so easy from day one, you couldn't help but smile at her all the time and be more willing to interact with her sunny personality over a grumpy, whingeing boy! All the extended family were probably a bit guilty of that to be honest, so we all made an effort to give my nephew more attention.

Lastly, my sis made sure he got more one=to=one interaction with her or his dad, so trips out somewhere with the focus just on him without his sister being there. Even if it was just to the supermarket! More individual attention for my nephew and actually I think it made his good qualities more apparent when they had time alone with just him and so they were more likely to be much more pleasant towards him, and so it starts of a pretty good vicious circle.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a quick one and I feel I've waffled a bit too much.

Hope some of it helped though, Sirius. Just remember to bear in mind the "fantastic in all areas" times when the shit is hitting the fan. It's sometimes easy to forget that those times actually do exist, isn't it?!