My first post im so worried

[PigletGirl]

Hey there i found this site whilst googling on adive for the problem i have

So here we were tonight sat watching emmerdale when the door knocked ..... it was the police asking if they could come in which we said of course
Aparently the NSPCC had contacted them as someone made a call to the NSPCC anon reporting that they think we abuse a child here who is about 6 (ds 2 is 8 but a little small for his age)
Obv we are shocked because our children are far from abused but we let them ask the questions they need to like where they go to school what GP they are with that sort of thing which we answered with no problem
They then spoke to the children asked them if they were happy at home , if they had any bruises or marks to which the boys answered they were happy at home and no no bruises (although DS1 started to ramble on about a couple of lads he has issues at school with which is being dealt with)
Both boys shook the police man and ladies hand without prompting etc as they have always been taught to be polite

The police asked if we knew of anyone that had a vendta against us which as far as i know we dont (i dont go out really because im disabled and have mobility issues and dp only goes out to pick the boys up from school and to get shopping etc etc) we dont really have much to do with the neighbours at all as they have only just moved in
The police seem satisfied when they left although im not sure what the next step is ?? if any ??

The only thing i can think of is the following
DS2 has a FOUL tempers to the point he will throw things slam doors scream very LOUD bang about and then scream some more all this because we have said no to him or something
Im thinking the new neighbours have heard this and are worried which tbh i have NO issue with at all as i would rather they report something if they were worried and wish more people would do so with children

Me and DP have decided we are going to get DS2 checked out as tbh this temper of his is not normal , he has always had a temper since about 2 years old he used to headbutt the walls and floors and scream etc but just lately it has got a LOT worse
Now both me and DP are guilty of shouting sometimes so i can understand why people would think we were hurting him as teamed with DS having a screaming fit every 10 minutes could seem like we are doing something to him but honestly all we have to do is say no and thats it he is off and we dont shout a lot but sometimes it does get a bit much

Im thinking maybe adhd but im not sure because at school and other peoples houses he is an absolute angel doing well at school etc its just when he is home
Homework he starts to do all nicely then its like a switch that has gone off and he is scribbling on it ripping or screwing it up and then screaming and crying etc all because he has spelt something wrong or made a mistake

He refuses to eat most foods and will only eat certain things which he has on rotation

Im not sure tbh all i know is i was bloody scared and shocked when the police were at the door and like i said to them i can barely get up for the toilet let alone beat my children

Just wondered if anyone had any experience on the police thing or on ADHD ????

thanks xxxxxxxxxxx

hi pigletgirl didnt want to leave you unanswered. I dont have personal experience with adhd or the police thing but I just from what you are describing of your sons behaviour sounds like my friends son. They are still awaiting a 'diagnosis' so I would agree you should get him checked out. I am sure some of the other ladies will have better advice. Hope this is all sorted out for you as soon as possible

Thank you so much for your reply :)
Im feeling a lot better about it now than i did earlier
It was just such a shock and so out of the blue We are far from child abusers but the way my youngest goes sometimes (most days)you would think we were literally beating him when in fact all we have said is no or asked him to do something that does not suit him

Im not angry at whoever has made the call as they thought they were doing the right thing and im glad the police did follow it up as they should and i think they were satisfied although im not sure im not even sure what the next step is regarding if they take it further or not ? do they tell the parents what is or isnt happening ?

As for the GP we are calling tomorrow for an appt because tonight has proved just out of hand he can get , we are also thinking of setting up a webcam to film exactly what he is like because to everyone else he is like the perfect child and no one can believe it when we tell them lol

If it's any consolation to you, my sis has had the police called on her as well when she has lost it (vocally) with her DDs and there have been screaming matches. Neighbours obviously concerned someone was being murdered, but no - just parental/child screaming interaction. No further action or intervention occurred.

As far as your DS2 is concerned, itsounds like he has extreme reactions to frustration. He might be on the ASD spectrum but you would need to get him assessed properly - I think that is mostly done through the school though.

HOpe you get some answers soon.

Piglet, you have had quite a shock and it can't have been one bit pleasant, and now you're wondering who made that call - yes it's nice that people are taking notice and that the police are doing their jobs, but I hope you're feeling ok.

Have you considered getting your DS tested for food allergies? There's a book by Dr Doris Rapp, "Is This Your Child?" that might be a help to you. Really long book, very detailed.

Thank you thumbdawitch that is very reassuring to hear
It was just the way they said someone had called the NSPCC who then called the police that i found odd so im thinking it may have been reported a day or so ago ?
I have no issue with them making the enquires they need to as they have a job to do and its good they follow these things up

DS has just turned 8 and has always had a temper and you are right it is frustration and when things dont go his way all hell breaks loose and i admit you would think we were killing him the way he goes

I was thinking of contacting the school anyway and i defiantly will be now but the problem is at school he is an angel and doing well the only thing they have said is that he goes off in his own little world sometimes which is true as he does at home he has a VERY active imagination and is always playing make believe stuff with his transformers (which he is obsessed with)

It all just seems so strange how it all happened tonight

Thank you mathanxiety i will look into the book tbh allergies didnt even occur to me

He is SUCH a fussy eater its unreal he will only eat certain food and wont budge on anything else no matter home much you try and force the situation but most the food he eats is pretty healthy mainly salads (minus tomatoes) apples and raw carrot bacon chicken pops , the odd burger (plain with nothing else what so ever on it) toast and cereal etc etc
He hardly has sweets except for after he has eaten his dinner

Its awful because he has such a lovely lovely side but it just seems we see it less and less these days

Im a lot calmer than i was earlier it was worse when i was told its very very odd that it was the police and the police alone so obv that made me more worried (thanks to family members)

I know i have nothing at all to hide but its so worrying thinking what if the kids say something and its taken out of context or something , i did say to the policeman look at me i can barely get to the toilet let alone abuse my children lol he did kind of laugh

glad your a bit more at ease piglet let us know how you get on

I will do thank you :) its silly as i know myself and my partner have done nothing wrong and the police were lovely but i still felt like i had done something and im worried they may have seen the look on my face and thought she is guilty

My mum seems to think if they were worried then the boys wouldnt be all tucked up in bed asleep right now they would of taken them there and then where as i dont know as never had any experience in this

I would of also thought if it was a worry the social services would of gone to the school ? without us knowing ? which as far as i know hasnt been the case at all

It was all just so out of the blue

Detailed article here on delayed food allergy that's hard to diagnose. 'Children with food allergy typically became eating specialists - compulsively eating a small number of "favorite" foods and refusing the rest. Vegetable foods are the first foods refused, often in favor of compulsive eating of fruit juices, dairy or wheat products.' I don't know if this eating pattern applies, but dairy and wheat allergy/ addiction can contribute to aggression.

Oh mathanxiety thats great thank you im going to give that a read now
He does eat a lot of bread products he dosnt have a lot of dairy at all and loves salad type foods but will not eat cooked veg im going to read it now thank you so much for that :)

There are lots of food allergy articles on the web and some of them are a bit wacky imo, but the book by Doris Rapp helped me a lot with DD3 who tended to fly off the handle in spectacular fashion in her early days - very 'difficult' child and picky eater.

Thank you so much have had a read and it is very very interesting and something im going to look into as i have always always said his diet doesnt help (esp the cereal in the mornings)
He has just woke up and come down and i have had a chat with him and he said that his dad has said when he feels he is getting wound up he has to either sit on the stairs or go to his room and count to 10 if he still isnt calm he has to keep counting to 10 till he cools off

The fact he has remembered his dad said this to him last night is a miracle in itself
I have also explained to him the reason the police were here last night is because of his temper tantrums and how people think when he is like that people think mummy and daddy are hurting him in some way (this is the only reason i can think of for the call and police )

So far although he has only been up about half hour all is calm but we will see , im not expecting miracles i know its going to take time but tbh even if we cut out one meltdown a day its an improvement

He seems to fully understand the seriousness of whats happened and i did get him to tell me why the police were here which he said he couldnt remember but when asked what daddy has spoke to him about he repeated it word for word so im hoping that this part at least has sunk in

Thank you for letting me vent esp seeing as im a new member i just didnt know where else to turn tbh as it was all such a big shock and i was all over the place as never had anything like this happen before

Thank you once again xxxx :)

Piglet,

Not long ago I had a 9 year old boy that was very much like that. Very very aggressive, and has even hit me. However I went to the school (he had then started to misbehave there as well) and they arranged for loads of different assessments to rule out ADHD etc. Even if he isn't showing signs of his behaviour at school it might be worth talking to the school (even if it is just over the phone) they may be able to help you in one way or the other.

The police thing is horrible for you. But with your sons behaviour are you sure he is not just acting like a spoilt brat because if he can behave brilliantly at school and at others houses it seems that he is perfectly in control of his behaviour. Everyone is too quick to blame ADHD these days sometimes a good strict set of rules and boundaries followed with full cosistancy are all you need.

Sorry this has happened - what a shock for you all.

As to diet it may not be part of the problem but it is certainly worth looking at. The son of a friend was on the point of permanent expulsion from school. He was uncontrollable on occasions attacking both teachers and pupils and she was often called to the school mid-morning to remove him. I suggested a food diary - and against all common sense thinking his worst days were days when he had Weetbix for breakfast. When he had a sugary rice or corn based cereal he was OK. She removed all wheat from his diet and her son reverted to his previously good behaviour. I also know of a child where milk was the culprit. Children often crave the food which causes their problems. In some children gluten acts like an opiate in the brain (one autistic child I know of did not feel pain until gluten was removed from his diet).

Hope you can find something which helps.

Thank you all
Well we tried a new tactic wrt DS2 and his behaviour tonight
We stuck to the rules that NO transformers or the castle he kicked across the room which is an episode from this morning (they are all packed up and put away out of sight)
We were expecting WW3 but it was quite the opposite he got a bit upset but we explained to him calmly (more as a reminder) why they were taken away and how he will not be getting them back till he changes his attitude

He was in a strop for a bit kinda just flouncing about but NOTHING like he has been before he then tried the im bored etc and decided to sit and watch spongebob and then went on his net book , he then got frustrated with that and got a bit heavy handed with it so we took that away till he calmed down and made it clear if he gets frustrated like that with the netbook again he would not be getting it back and it will go where the transformers etc are

Myself and DP didnt get stressed once (for which im very proud of us both for) and just remained calm and straight to the point , none of the faffing about and tiptoeing around the issue
Tonight it seems to of worked a treat and i do think he is actually shocked at the fact we are so calm and united

All in all it has been a very calm evening for all of us
As for the police thing im not so worried anymore although it is obv still on my mind
One thing is for sure i will sleep well tonight i think lol

Will see how things are with him tomorrow morning im hoping it wont be anything like it was today

This is one battle he WILL NOT be winning

Ahh see what I mean about being cosistant and keeping rules and boundaries! Kids thrive on this and will act as they see thier parents acting as that is all they have to go by! Well done for changing the way you deal with him. And good luck that his behaviour continues to improve!

Sorry you've had this happen.

I found the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (and Listen so Kids will Talk) really useful.

Thank you all once again you have all been a huge help :)

He has been REALLY moody this morning but no melt down at all we are sticking to the no shouting (whats the point cos he just shuts off completely) so its all calm but firm

He decided he didnt want to get dressed so we just said thats fine he can go in his pyjamas his choice (let him make his own decisions to a point so he still feels he has a bit of control over what he does or does not do) he soon changed his mind

Him and DS1 are meant to be going over my brothers for the weekend tonight i have asked if he wants to go he does not know so i have said again his choice and to think about it today but have made it clear if he does stay home he WILL NOT be getting his beloved transformers back , not untill sunday when he comes back from my brothers (or does not if he decides he dont want to go) and im not budging we have decided if he carried on with out meltdowns he will get them back sunday either way BUT the minute he starts with the meltdowns again they will be gone again

We have made an appt with his teacher for monday to have a chat to make her aware of what is going on at home with regards to the new tactics etc and if he changes his attitude at school (he is normally really good) its probably because we are cracking down at home with him

All we are getting at home at the moment in the mornings is i dont wanna go to school its boring etc (he isnt being bullied as already checked all that) its just him trying to be as awkward as he can be but tbh it isnt working because he is realising that he can be as awkward as he likes but in the end it WILL be the same result :)

Its defiantly a more calmer place at home right now although he is moody and awkward and dont really want to talk to me and DP he isnt having the meltdowns like before

One question though how long will the moodiness last do you think ? as much as i will be sticking with it i do miss the happy side of my son (which he did have despite the meltdowns)
I refuse to back down but would like to see the happy side every now and then lol

Thank you once again your advice has been great and MN has been a great great help with regards to this :)

PigletGirl, so glad you found support on here!

I'm going through the same thing at the moment with my DS, except he's only 3 years old.

I do find that the worse our behaviour is, the worse his becomes until it all just spirals out of control. Sometimes I catch myself behaving more like a child than him!!

Whenever DH and I remain calm, talk softly but firmly, and continue to reinforce the boundaries for behaviour that we've set, we seem to have a better outcome.

The problem is, though, is that I'm just human! When he is so stroppy and never listens, it's very difficult to remain a saint and an angel! I feel like I can only keep it up for so long before the stress and frustration breaks me. He's been like this since he was 15 months old, and doesn't show any signs of growing out of the terrible twos, even though we are so careful about disciplining him, remaining consistent and predictable, and punishing bad behaviour.

I guess when you've been following all advice to the letter, and there's still no improvement, you start to ask yourself why the hell you even bother?

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread, but have been in tears this morning about this, just so - feel like I'm withdrawing from him because I can't cope with the behaviour any more, but don't WANT to withdraw because I love him so much and I know that he needs me no matter what.

Just exhausted...

Awwww NoWayNoHow

Reading that it could of been written by myself i know exactly how it feels and how hard it is and with regards to the withdrawing issue thats EXACTLY what it feels like and its so so hard because when all is said and done they are your baby no matter what they do

The thing is no child comes with a manual do they and no matter how many children you have you are CONSTANTLY learning as what works for one wont work for the other as each child is different

Although the tactics we are trying now are working its still hard as our son is moody and we feel awful having to do this but we have no choice as we have tried all sorts so we now have to go with the tough option

It was hard today as apparently DP had to see DS teacher today as DS broke down in the cloak room , the teacher was great though and understands this is all because we are refusing to let him have his transformers back i think the msg is sinking in and i think its the realisation that we wont give in thats upsetting him

Although its really hard and we feel awful family life is much more calm with regards to the meltdowns and screaming and shouting although he is still moody lol

I totally get you with the screaming back as thats what we were like and it would just make him worse hence the police issue i think (im still assuming thats what it was)

Im sending you hugs because it is so so hard but remember you are doing your best , you love him and yes you are only human we all make mistakes NO ONE is a perfect parent and its a continuous learning curve

We are on day 2 of the new tactic and dont plan on giving in although if he carries on with the no meltdowns he will get his beloved transformers back
We have hit him hard with regards to the transformers so he dont forget it in a hurry (memory like a goldfish) so when he gets them back he is more likely not to have a meltdown with them and anything else

Hope you little one grows out of it soon and hey dont you worry about the thread hijack you sound just like i was 2 days ago x x x x x

Hi there
You are doing really well and even though you still feel awful - keep going. It is worth it.

This is also about your boundaries - what are you prepared to accept/not accept in terms of their behaviour? You are 'setting out' where the line is and expecting them to step up to it. Keep calm and explain what you want and stick to it.

Well done and give yourself some positive thoughts on your progress.

hello

i have had the police visit with child protection all because i asked dd1 to tidy room.
she started screaming and shouting slamming doors ect then went to school and told teacher i had beaten her up.
i got a knock on the door and as with you i was told what had happened asked if there was any truth to it and then they spoke to my 3 children seperately.
after all that they said the were happy that nothing was going on and left that was 3 years ago i haven't seen them since.
although dd1 is now 13 and still threatens me with the police every time she is asked to do her room or gets grounded for bad behaviour

What baffled me was it was just the police on their own saying that they received a call from the NSPCC so im thinking this wasnt a spare of the moment thing where someone hears him screaming and thinks i better call the police if that makes sense

They didnt speak to the children separate in fact they spoke to them in front of us just asked if they were happy at home and if they had any bruises and that was it

I really dont think it will go any further ? but its still on my mind

thank you for the encouragement with DS its not so hard being firm the hard part is seeing him so moody and tearful all the time as with his meltdowns he did have his happy side where as now its just moody tearful and sad ALL the time
Having said that i know we do have to stick at it and it will get better (i hope) just hope to see his happy side back soon :)

i'm not sure but if a member of the public phones nspcc or s.s out of hours the police can be asked to call around and if they think there is a problem they will then contact child protection.
as for your ds i have 1 ds and 2 dd's i found my ds got over the moody stage quicker than my dd's