Feeling such a shit mother - how do I 'control' my 21 month old without scarring him for life?

[toddlerwrangler]

:(

The backgound: Alfie is 21 months. He is a big, tall, strong lad (just started on 4yo clothing). When life is going Alfies way he is the life and soul of the party - not one for kisses or cuddles, but a happy chappy non the less. When life isn't going Alfie's way - god help you.

My concerns are two fold - firstly how I deal with him when he flips out, and scondly the agressive way he deals with his temper.

I have learn't the long and hard way Alf responds best to ignoring the small stuff, distraction and lost of 'quality' attention time.

However, there are times when I just cannot 'ignore'. Or I dont think I can?

Things like trying to throw himself on the floor and biting me when crossing the road (had this yesterday), hitting/biting friends (had this today), slamming doors (he is obsessed with this and will do it again and agin and adgain for a whole hour if you let him). This kind of behaviour gets a strong, short telling off. I do shout. He generally then throws himself on the floor while I ignore/walk off and leave him to it. Once calm I give a big 'mummy cuddle' and carry on as we were before the tantrum. I do this as I really try to show that when he is told off it is for a 'big' reason, if that makes sence?

However, I got a RIGHT look the other day when he started flipping out when we crossed the road (he wanted to walk down the middle of the road, I said no, he tried to drop to the floor and bite me, I only had one hand free so had to pretty much pull him across the road (which I HATED but needed him off the road) and when we crossed the road I shouted 'NO you do NOT do that on the road'. I dont understand/know what else to do? I am getting so stressed about this. I HATE shouting, hate shouty parents. I dont do it often at all as I save it for the 'big stuff', but I wondered if there was a better way to deal with the issue?

He is a very slow talker - only a basic handful of words so I think frustration is really adding to his agression (when I told him off for slamming the door in his friends face the other day and when I told him of he turned round and shoved his little friend into the wall :( )

I am obviously crap at this. I just dont know what to do? I love my little boy, I just want him to be nice to his friends and not try to jump in front of cars.

Should add that when he kicked off on the road I desperatly tried disraction 'ohhhh quick quick, whats over there in that shop, take mummy in too see' but he was having none of it either. Disraction only seems to work as long as he doesnt wnt to :

1. Walk in the middle of the road/off the curb/in the middle of the carpark

or

2. stand somehwre and open/slam close a door 100000 times over.

3. Go up and down in a lift 10000000 times over. Once as a treat is NOT enough.

These seem to be our nemesis issues if thats telling anyone something?

I can see me in supernanny at this rate. Being a good mum is so hard :(

Sorry - just realised I swore in the title as well. Brain jus isnt wrking today.

there will be times when you just need to pick him up and get on with whatever needs doing - crossing a road, leaving a lift

he may freak out, eventually he will start doing what you want

eg when dd was about this age, i would let her walk with me, but if she wasn't holding hands/walking sensibly, i would put her back in the buggy, to loud screamy tantrums from her

by the time she was 2 and a half, she could walk sensibly, along v busy roads, without me worrying or needing to out her in the buggy

,disclaimer - i was on mat leave with ds and we walked every day a lot!>

it will pass.

i am going through the hitting thing with ds now, he is 19 months old, and will get slap happy when angry/excited

i am trying to praise when he is kind, remind him of how to be gentle and remove him when necessary

keep telling yourself that he is learning, and you are teaching him, and it is a process, and he will get there if you are consistent

Thanks Chibi - nice to hear from someone who has lived through this stage to tell he tale. I suppose it doesnt help that other people children seen so good alllllll the time, and I am the 'shouty' mother. I hate it.

I am the same as you with the walking thing. When he 'starts' I kneel down and say 'pram or walk nicely - Alfie choose. Pram or walk - Alfie choose'. Currently ,99 times out of a hundred he is inserted into the pram, however on your advice I am cnfident it will rop to 98 times out of hundred any time soon :)

i think also the more you do, the quicker they learn, iyswim

it could be disheartening going for a walk knowing that the chances are that he will end up pram bound sooner than later, but you have to keep on giving him the chance to succeed

my dd was the best 'walker' out of all the toddlers i knew, not because either she or i were special, but because we are carless and walked every flaming day

that should be the more often you do things

You do sound a bit at the end of your tether, toddlerwrangler! (I am not going to call you TW, it will confuse me )

Have you tried reins on him? When DS was smaller, I used reins perforce; as he got bigger he was allowed off the reins if he held my hand nicely - if he tried to slip away or misbehaved then it was "reins or pram, your choice".

I know some people don't approve of reins but by god they help when you need to get to a place of safety in a hurry! ALthough your DS might be a touch big for hoiking him off the ground and draggin him, I don't know, depends on how strong you are I guess.

I still taught him to hold hands while he was on the reins; but I wasn't taking any chances and it saved him from many a bumped nose when he tripped. That aside, they became a useful "threat" for when he was playing up as well.

Re. the door slamming - can you get some of those "door bumpers" that stop the doors closing? They are like foam horseshoes that fit around the edge of the door and prevent it closing - slamming a non-closing door will rapidly lose its attraction as there will be no noise.

Re. the longing to bite/hit you and friends - ah well, that's a hard one. Especially if you are in the "no physical retribution" camp. I'll leave that one to other people, I think.

here are the door stops I was talking about

Hi TW - two mega tantrums on the trot have have stressed me somewhat

Reins help a tiny bit, but he is to big for hoiking. They break. I found that the other day! But he kicks off when on them as soon as he feels a tiny tiiiny bit 'restrained' he fights them and, you guessed it, throws himself on the floor.

The door things look a help - I may pop some in my bag as it is ANY oor he wants to do it to.

Thanks for the advice.

you could try some of this stuff on him - it's like Rescue remedy but without the alcohol and is excellent for de-stressing. If it doesn't work on him, try it on yourself!
You would find it in some health food shops, but probably not Holland & BArrett as they have a contract for Bach Flower stuff with Nelson's. Or you can get it online - it's cheaper from other places, but I've linked to the Ainsworth's site as it gives the technical details.

It might just take the edge of his tantrums, stop him getting so frustrated and make him a little more responsive to your management.

They're real little buggers when they get like this, it's very upsetting for all concerned but you are doing the best you can - he is testing you to the limit and so far you are passing (failing = leaving him in a shopping trolley and walking away and meaning it).

What about those backpacks that have a lead-thing attached to them - would he wear that or is that too restraining for him as well?

toddlerwrangler - why not try a trike with parent handle for the tantrums that occur outside?

I myself have a very 'strong-willed' 2 year old who has on many occassion pushed me to the edge! She has a tendancy to get so distracted whilst out and about she wanders into people/items etc and no amount of coersion will get her back into a pushchair!

So I bought a trike with a parent handle which allows you to steer whilst the little ones feel a sense of independance. It is now her 'big girl' bike and helps avoid running off, sitting on the pavement etc!

Could you carry him across the road? This is what I do for DS who is 2.3. He's getting better at holding hands but still sometimes refuses, and I hate dragging him across holding him up by one arm which I've been forced to do on occasion when he stops dead in the middle of the road. I hold him on my hip, but with him facing outwards, so he can struggle and hit all he wants but he can't really do anything. I can't hold him like that for long but just to cross the road it's okay.

21 months is really hard. They are just starting to get into tantrumy independent toddler territory but their speech hasn't caught up and sometimes understanding too.

I'll come back with more later.

TW - will try the stuff in the link. I give rescure remedy to horses so no reason a version of it can't help kids! And if not I am necking the whole thing in one. I have a monkey packpack set of reins - they result in ocassional uprisings, whereas the old fashioned leather reins gave WW3 every time!! Thanks for the assurance I have not yet failed :o

Isla - Good idea. I may give the trike a go and see if he is a happier chap that way. Good idea :)

Bertie - I think I am going to have to do this. I really wanted him to learn how to cross a road, but he isn't having it. I too have to use the 'face outwards, grab and dash' routine. He fights me for all it's worth, and it knackers my already dodgy back, but it's just going to have to be the way it goes for a while.

Well, after his afternoon nap he kicked off (because I wouldn't tke him to open/close the shower door), so I took him out for a walk as he haddn't been out today. Me on child duty and mum with the pram in case of emergencies. Ten steps away from the house he tries to walk off in the opposite direction to me. I try 'ohhhh, look here a doggy. See the doggy'. Aflie threw himself on the floor, so down I went and gave him the 'Alfie choose' routine. He choose to walk sensibly! Victorrryyyyyyyy. About 20m later he wanted to go and see the bin, so I try to get him to carry on walking. He drops and bites me, so I give him the choice of pram or walking nicely with mummy. He carried on walking! 2:0 to moi. Then he started in co-op (to be fair we have had about three minuites of co-opeartive(ish) walking). He was given the 'choice', carried on pratting about, so was picked up and put in pram. Or forced in pram actually, me on legs, mum on arms, we kind of concerteanered him in the middle and strapped him dowm, all whilst SCREEEAAAMMMMMMIINNGGGGGGGG.

Oh well, I make that a 66% sucsess rate, so not complaining. :o

toddlerwrangler I feel your pain. Firstly you are not a sh*t mum and secondly you are not alone!

Having such a 'well grown' toddler for his age is hard going in itself, the added strength and size to accompany the 'terrible two's' behaviour is not going to be easy for you.

My son was, and still can be, a hitter or hair puller (2.10m) and every time for what felt like months i picked him up from playschool the ladies would tell me they had to 'support him with his sharing' (ie drag him off other children when they had the toy he wanted).

I do feel, however, that we are coming through the other side now.

What changed? Well, IMO, keep doing what your doing and don't assume just because you've told him a million times that its enough.It will sink in when his brain is mature enough to understand that degree of emotional intelligence - for us, about 2yrs 8m. Prob not what you wanted to hear!!

His speech development, when it happens, will also make a massive difference and you are right - his frustration is a big factor

until then, IMO you cant be firm enough in reinforcing and repeating yourself on those 'big issues' even if it does provoke the type of behaviour only a terrible two can!! Even if in public.

Ignore the looks and stares, those people obviously have a short memory of their own experiences!

Good luck and hang in there

also remember that the other children will start to behave more like this as they get a bit older - my ds was the first to throw tantrums/nick toys/hit out, it was much easier once I realised the others were at it too.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things to me already, this is just a really hard phase.

Don't worry too much about crossing roads yet - DS was the same at 21 months and now at 2.3 he will cross them well enough most of the time. I practice a lot on quieter roads near home where I can hear a car coming from miles away, and in town near the busier roads he's always in the pushchair. One thing which really helped was pelican crossings where I lift him up to press the button and then point out the red man/green man and we look for the green man together. Practising walking around roads on quiet streets, if you can, is really helpful.

Also I've found recently that rephrasing from "Hold my hand now, please" to "Can I hold your hand?" seems to have more success. But as it's a question I only use it when it is negotiable. Walking along without holding hands is really only possible when you have one child as you need to have 100% of your attention on them.

Hitting and biting - is this general aggression or related to sharing? Either way I'd separate them and try to occupy both children separately, but with sharing, I had much more success with turn taking (and still do) - until about 2.5/3ish they don't really understand the concept of sharing, because if they are playing with a toy they get lost in it and to have another child suddenly come and interfere in this is a bit of a shock. So e.g. with snatching I would say "No DS, Tom is playing with that. It's Tom's turn, you can have a turn when he has finished." and vice versa, e.g. if one child is hogging the slide "Come on, let Tom have a turn now. Then you can have a turn again. Wait, look, Tom is having a turn! Well done Tom! Okay Tom, it's DS' turn now. Go on DS, it's your turn. Well done DS! Now it's Tom's turn..." etc etc (and works when adding in other children as well) - surprisingly I've found nearly all children seem to respond to this from about 18 months or so, sometimes earlier. Although as we all know other children always seem to do what you say and your children always seem to do what other adults say, but not for you!

Another sharing thing I found is that if playing with something like a train set or bricks where the components can be separated out that before about 2 children seem happy when this sharing out is done for them. After 2 DS was not so happy about this and got into the stage of "MINE!" and got very possessive if I took one of the trains he was playing with to give to another child, but if I ask him "Can you choose one train to let Tom play with?" then he thinks about it for a few seconds and usually gives one, or more often all of the trains away and goes off to do something else. This isn't perfect - in a playgroup type setting he's more likely to spend too long dithering and the other child chooses one themselves in the meantime which leads to "NOOOO MINE!" and huge tantrum. But he'll get there. I tend to remove him before he wrecks the entire track in a fit of temper!

Another thing is something I have read in various books - when they are just starting to have tantrums, it's not because they are being manipulative, it's because it really does feel like the end of the world to them that they haven't got whatever it is they wanted, and the emotion just overwhelms them, and that's actually probably quite scary in itself, really. So naming the feeling can really help. Again this is something which has really come in recently but I did start it at about your son's age I think. So when he's tantruming I leave him to it a bit, but sit nearby and when it seems to be waning or he starts looking more upset than angry or just after a while I hold out my arms and say "Cuddle?" and he usually comes over and we have a cuddle and I say (this was a recent one - he was upset because someone had gone home) "Are you feeling sad because your friends have gone home now? You were having a lovely time playing and then they had to go home. I know. It's sad when we have to say goodbye." you have to bear with it at this point because usually they have calmed down a bit because of the cuddle, and then you've just reminded them why they are upset so they will start crying again, but I just keep hugging him and saying things like "It's okay to be sad. Everybody finds it hard to say goodbye, but we had a lovely time, and they will come back another time, and we can play again." and after a bit of rambling and cuddling and crying he just stands up and says "Play trains?" or something, and runs off and is fine

And then the only last thing I can add is explain and give warnings constantly. So if someone has to leave or you're going out try to tell him 5-10 minutes before it happens, even if it triggers an insta-tantrum or seems to upset him. He might be upset immediately but in the long run he will be less upset and less confused about what is going on. Keep explanations simple and don't expect the explanation to solve anything or change his behaviour, just offer it as an aside.

Sorry for the novel

Bertie - I found that post really useful. Lots of good advice.

He is 21 months and you haven't seen the half of it yet .

He's a bit young to be taught to cross streets and he will need to do it with you for a good few years anyway. There's no harm in shouting to get your point across when it comes to safety in the street. Do whatever it takes because it's no fun to be hit by a car. Safety first.

I would be inclined to give out an instant punishment for biting. Other children will not take kindly to it if he bites them so he needs to understand he can't do it.

I like the tricycle idea.

Also, since he's not too verbal, would you like to give baby signing a go? It helps enormously for a child to be able to express his feelings using his hands, and it doesn't slow down verbal language acquisition. It also makes the parent less shouty because you may also be communicating silently with your hands, and since the child has to be looking at you to understand, even out of curiosity he may tend to pay more attention. He might be able to tell you if he's tired or feeling angry or sad or frustrated without it getting to the point of wanting to bite and lash out at you.

Ive been on here too long so can't read other answers.

I HATED 18 months-23 months with my DS. It's a hard age and Alfie is more than normal I can assure you.

Im assuming he is your first?

His age four look will make it harder to accept his behaviour also, you/others may expect more than he can give IYSWIM.

I felt I expected too much from my DS but as a first time parent you are desperate to get it right.

You have ideas of wanting a well behaved likable child and you rememeber before children how some brat in a cafe had terrible behaviour and what you would do if he/she was yours etc - sound familiar?

You are shocked when they start having tantrums (maybe age 9 months you had lunch lobbed at you with a screaming fit) .

Now I have a 13 month old DD I tend to be more relaxed. I expect behaviours I wouldn't have with a first and thank god she wasn't a first, little madam!

Once my DS was, say 2.5, id see a mum looking really harrassed and getting really annoyed with their 20 month old cloberinng a smaller child with a wooden train and find it amusing how mortified and annoyed the mum was(and sympathise of course).

They need to know right and wrong but they need to learn it first and it will take 100 trial runs before they do.

A stern, NO, NAUGHTY, removal of other childs skin from your childs teeth with an appology and fuss being made of injured party and move on.

He will grow, learn to talk, be reasoned with, cross the road calmy as he may be squashed by a car and generally understand why bad mummy is spoiling his fun, in time but it can't be rushed.

Relax, he will be a lovely little boy because you care and make an effort.
Then you will give birth to a real little horror and wonder what all the fuss was about >sigh

This is a helpful thread to me for my DS, and great post Bertie.

mathanxiety, what do you suggest would be a suitable immediate punishment for biting or hitting another child?

Is a strong 'No' and removal from the immediate area enough? It doesn't seem to be working for DS at any rate!

Can't believe the support here - thanks everyone.

Bertie - thank you so much for all the advice, that is really helpfuly. You are spot on - I made sharing a game today and it went down a storm! To be fair to him, sharing isn't toooooo much of an issue. It's more his agression when he is told he can't do something/gets over excited that worries me (like shoving his friend, biting me, pulling friends round like a teddy). Think I shall do as others say - tellng off, apologie then biiiiiggggg fuss of the victim, and I will keep my fingers crossed that he still has some friends left by the time he is four!

mathanxiety - baby signing a no go, I agree it would have been useful. I trued to get him on but he is too old now and the lady said she had a waiting list anyway :( . So, we watch Something Special which I believe is Macaton anyway, and we are borrowing some of the signs from there :) . Ironically, today he really seems to have got to grips with 'no' (it's something!!) and the 'Alllll daaaayyyyy loooooooooonnnggggggggggggg' part of Wheels on the bus. Random! What you have said makes sense and I am going to try to give him some basic tools to tell me when he is frustrated, and for me to tell him off by sign!

sneak - thank you for making me feel like a normal mum with normal problems!! D you know, you are right. I know why others expect more from him - they think he is 3/4, but I AM also expecting more because he looks such a big boy. Thanks for pointing that out - it makes so much sense.

Took him to a playgroup his morning (well, it seems to be 'my' playgroup at the moemnt but thats a whole other story) and he was good as gold. Yes, he escaped from the room/slammed the door 100000000000000000 times, but other then that not a single squark, slap, bite or hint of a tantrum, and he was kind and gentle with his friends, including two lovely kisses as people left the room. He is in bed asleep now all snuggelled up as he could barely sit up he was that tierd at the end. I even got a cuddle. Admittedly he banged his head and was crying, but that would normally have resulted in a bite as well.

So we are friends again today. For now!........

You can do the signing yourself - no need for a class. Learn the basic signs for hungry, tired, hot, cold, thirsty, want to cuddle, and when you ask him if he's feeling any of the above, do the sign every time. For example, at lunchtime, ask him if he's hungry using the hungry sign. But do it all the time even if you feel silly. He'll watch you and pick it up. Children can learn Chinese as a second language at 21 months, and they can learn signing!

For biting, I would take the offender aside immediately, get right down in her face and say No biting! or We never bite! in my most serious voice (my dad used to advise biting the biter but obv he grew up in another era), then enforce a time out right there, with the child sitting beside me until she could assure me she was ready to behave herself, then count to about twenty before being let back to play. (I never did timed time outs, just told them to go sit apart from the others until they were ready to behave themselves). I also think making a fuss over the child who has been hurt is a good idea. Depending in the age, I think saying sorry is a good idea. If we were in a playground I would take the biter home though. It's harder when you're at home and the injured party is a guest. If someone has a tendency to bite, you have to supervise them closely when they're with other children and make sure you can see the signs they are about to do it (when a frustrating situation arises). It's also important imo to catch them being nice and gentle and praise that, so they get attention for the positive behaviour as well as the undesirable.

Supposed to be 'at lunchtime, ask him verbally while signing at the same time..'

Yes try to watch for signs that violence is about to happen and intervene first, although I know this is easier said than done. I used to grab DS' arm before he hit me and make a stroking movement with it instead. He has never really been a biter though.