Feeling such a shit mother - how do I 'control' my 21 month old without scarring him for life?

[toddlerwrangler]

:(

The backgound: Alfie is 21 months. He is a big, tall, strong lad (just started on 4yo clothing). When life is going Alfies way he is the life and soul of the party - not one for kisses or cuddles, but a happy chappy non the less. When life isn't going Alfie's way - god help you.

My concerns are two fold - firstly how I deal with him when he flips out, and scondly the agressive way he deals with his temper.

I have learn't the long and hard way Alf responds best to ignoring the small stuff, distraction and lost of 'quality' attention time.

However, there are times when I just cannot 'ignore'. Or I dont think I can?

Things like trying to throw himself on the floor and biting me when crossing the road (had this yesterday), hitting/biting friends (had this today), slamming doors (he is obsessed with this and will do it again and agin and adgain for a whole hour if you let him). This kind of behaviour gets a strong, short telling off. I do shout. He generally then throws himself on the floor while I ignore/walk off and leave him to it. Once calm I give a big 'mummy cuddle' and carry on as we were before the tantrum. I do this as I really try to show that when he is told off it is for a 'big' reason, if that makes sence?

However, I got a RIGHT look the other day when he started flipping out when we crossed the road (he wanted to walk down the middle of the road, I said no, he tried to drop to the floor and bite me, I only had one hand free so had to pretty much pull him across the road (which I HATED but needed him off the road) and when we crossed the road I shouted 'NO you do NOT do that on the road'. I dont understand/know what else to do? I am getting so stressed about this. I HATE shouting, hate shouty parents. I dont do it often at all as I save it for the 'big stuff', but I wondered if there was a better way to deal with the issue?

He is a very slow talker - only a basic handful of words so I think frustration is really adding to his agression (when I told him off for slamming the door in his friends face the other day and when I told him of he turned round and shoved his little friend into the wall :( )

I am obviously crap at this. I just dont know what to do? I love my little boy, I just want him to be nice to his friends and not try to jump in front of cars.

I have sympathy with you my lo is 22 months and has recently started the dreaded tantrums and hitting!

Its very hard to know what to do, I think they say tantrums are very common at this age due to their frustration at not being able to communicate properly.

Unfortunately they have to learn many of lifes lessons from a very early age... you don't always get what you want, all good things come to an end and tough!!

My little boy also plays up a little with walking but to be honest I have no patience for it and may warn him once to stop flinging himself on the floor, or say "George this way" if he starts to kick off I'm afraid its straight in the pushchair, no choice as I'm the grown up! We have just bought him one of these www.littlelife.co.uk/html/toddler_daysacks/runabout-red.html (hope that works) And think this will help alot as he loves bags and its a way to keep hold of him without him really being aware!

George currently has an obsession with Chocolate (x-mas I think!) If he is to have maybe a chocolate coin and wants another he will create if he is not allowed. Sometimes I think it would be easier just to give him another but you just have to stand your ground deal with the paddy that will follow but ultimately you will be setting a much better example by being like this than the alternative!!

Anyway sorry for rabiting on!!

x

Thanks for the advice mathanxiety, can I venture a couple more questions though?

DS is going through a pinching phase, pinching other babies and toddlers (not adults, not children older than him) in the face.

It's been going on for a few weeks, and I've been keeping calm and asking for advice, but I feel utterly hopeless about it. DS does it relentlessly, his hand shoots out like a reflex, or when another child just walks past him, I've even seen him run to stationary babies to do it, or slip behind a breastfeeding Mum. I stay an arms length from him at all times and occasions now, but occasionally he slips one in nevertheless.

I'm finding it really hard, and worry perhaps I should retire us from society for a few months, although having no family nearby my friends are a lifeline.

I wonder if he knows whether it hurts the other children or not, as he's never been hit, pinched or bit himself. It's not in times of stress or wrangling over a toy, it's almost all the time.

I've been a SAHM mum all his life and tried my very best to do it all the right way, but have an awful fear I've done something very wrong.

As several people have told me, I'm sure it's to do with lack of communication skills (that's why he doesn't do it to adults or older children who can talk to him), and his language is coming on well; at almost 2 he can string 4/5 words together and has a good vocab.

Any advice wise mumsnetters?

Temporary mittens for the pinching? Sew them to his jacket sleeves. And a very swift and stern response from you.

Does he have many little stuffed animal toys that you and he could use to roleplay being gentle with the baby bunny, etc., in some imaginative game? One animal could represent him and there could be a storyline about him helping a smaller animal or being nice and gentle...

You need to perfect the rugby hold (is that what it's called?) - holding him under one arm so that he can't kick or hurt you. I spent six months carrying ds around like this as he had a meltdown every time we had to leave anywhere.

You can put rubber child protector things on the doors to stop them slamming, if that's what you want.

If he is hitting or biting other children then you need to shadow him all the time and make sure all the other parents know you are doing everything you can to stop him - otherwise, sadly, you will be excluded from things.

It is really hard, but I have been through it and survived (just!). We found things got better when ds turned 3 and became more responsive to threats, bribes and reasoning. He is quite a reasonable 4.5 year old now and it is bliss to take him out and know he will behave (at least well enough for me not to have to stand behind him).

Also, I wanted to say, that if you concentrate on controlling him just to the necessary degree and trying not to get angry with him, then I don't see why you should scar him

A little chat beforehand and some sort of "Do we have a deal?" agreement can help remind him before you get wherever you're going about what sort of behaviour is expected.