really worried about my son please read :(

[cheeryface]

11 yr old ds2 was unable to cope with secondary school when he started in september , he had been fine at primary and it seemed like the transition was too much and there was bullying and extremely poor management of the school.
The school said they were concerned he may have aspergers or something and they refused to deal with an incident where he had been punched.

i took him out of that school and have been waiting for a transfer since the beginning of december.

but, i am really worried about him. i dont think hes in any fit state to deal with starting another new school.

His behavior has gone crazy. He is really kicking off about everything and screaming at me, then he says horrible stuff, then hes sobbing and sorry and saying hes a horrible person and keeps trying to prove that i musnt love him.

everything he tries to do he says hes rubbish at and its gone wrong when in fact hes just setting an impossible standard.
The things he says are just breaking my heart and its every day. i get annoyed with him when hes really misbehaving and acting bratty and selfish then i feel sorry for him when hes crying.

hes not sleeping like he usually does either.
one day he asked me to just kill him. i went to the doctors and they got us an appointment with camhs but they took all the initialinfo and now we have to wait 6 MONTHS for another appointment.

i expect we will be hearing from the new school any day now but i am scared it may just tip him right over the edge .
what should i do ?
i cant cope with much more.

Is there no possibility that you could take the school pressure off and home school him? I know that's a big undertaking, but just until he feels that he is able to cope with going to school "properly" if you like.

Phone your contact at CAMHS and ask for an urgent appointment.

i have been trying to work with him at home since i took him out of school but its really difficult. He messes me about , wont concentrate , says im making his life miserable making him work etc etc everything i try to do with him turns into a big emotional outburst that can go on for hours.

My dd has Asperger's and I home scooled her for a while.
It really took the pressure off her -and me - to know that school wasn't looming on the horizon, with all the issues it created.

As with your ds, for the first few weeks she was in a hell of a state, as she came to terms with all of the stress and trauma she had experienced at school. It got better, though, and she started to really thrive.

There's a HE topic on here, which might be worth a look?

With regards to your ds' mental health, it may be worth pestering CAMHS. Someone told me, at the start of dd's diagnostic process, that 'the squeaky wheel gets the oil' and that stood me in very good stead.

Tell them that he has talked about dying;etc and that you need him to be seen asap. It may take a few calls and letters, but you will get there.

I know how hard this will be for you and how heartbreaking it is to see your child going through this. There is help out there, though, and support. The SN board on here is fantastic and you will get some great advice there.
Good luck x

What Cece says - you need some help with him, poor lad and poor you

Home schooled even!

A lot of people 'de-school' their child for a while after they come out of school, before they start any more formal work.
I did this, as my dd just wasn't ready to go straight into a situation where she had to concentrate.

This might be useful to look at.
I would definitely recommend you post on the HE section on here, there are some really experienced people over there.

Could you find an outlet for him, i.e. like a sport, go to a big playground once a week, theatre lessons, singing - something out of his usual circle and enabling him to let off steam and build his confidence?

Also, if you think he is not ready for secondary school yet, could he do another year primary school or is that not allowed?

I am not an expert but from what you are saying he sounds very insecure and translates that to aggression.

Good luck.

Definitely contact CAMHS and ask for an urgent appointment.

Really hope things improve soon x

thankyou. i thought being out of school he would be better but i think hes getting worse. I dont want to let him get away with his behaviour as its pretty bad at the moment but i am also walking on eggshells waiting for the next big flip.

i told camhs what hed been saying and they did a risk assessment. they said it was a good idea for him to see a psychologist and investigate the schools idea of aspergers but the waiting list is massive.

the day aspergers was suggested it was a horrible meeting with a very arrogant and aggressive head of year who left me in tears and in no doubt i had to remove ds2 from there. he said it very flippantly and refused to hear about any bullying.

what i dont understand is that ds2 was ok before then. The primary had no issues with him.
he said today that he just wants me to help him that he feels lost.
he doesnt want to go to cahms he says but i explained that they know how to help and i dont.
i have cried as much as he has and hes seen that which i know must make things worse but i am devastated at what has been happening.

also he has been suffering constant headaches which we are having a ct scan for soon to make sure theres nothing physical.

have you researched aspergers at all? what do you think? if he does have aspergers you would do well to get him diagnosed so that proper support can be put into place - the school he was at sound crap - dx or no he should have had support. loads of aspie kids flounder at the transition between primary and secondary. my eldest is 19 and has aspergers, dyspraxia and dyslexia - he had a nightmare time at school, but is now doing a degree and works part time as a computer programmer, and more importantly he is happy - it does get better i promise.

you need to take the pressure off him and you, i took my son out of school for a while - no great shakes - if he needs it then do it. you need to get him dx if he has aspergers and then get yourself a copy of the special needs code of practice that your local education authority will not want you to know about cos it tells you exactly what you need to know about the schools responsibilities. knowledge is power so get armed! also post in special needs section of this site - its fab.
good luck.

the school have only just given him some work to do at home so that they can put him down as being educated off site. i had a call from the welfare woman making out that he shouldnt be off school.

google australian scale aspergers
for a checklist written by a leading expert on aspergers....very easy to use and very useful for checking to see what you think...

cant link it...using a browser that wont let me but google it - its very easy to find

thankyou. i am just not sure about the aspergers . I have spoken to the old primary school who have never thought he could have aspergers.
some things fit the bill but others dont. i have always thought he was socially immature and had to sort out many a falling out for him at school .
He has always been one to get the wrong end of the stick , sitting eating family meals i have alot of the time realised hes got the wrong end of the stick with the converation and had to explain. dh and ds2 misunderstand each other a lot , i can see what ds2 is thinking and then have to put dh straight, that kind of thing.

long before school problems arose weekends have been stressful because ds2 will not give us any peace , he wants to go bike riding , fishing etc etc and hounds us and hounds us all day to take him. If we are doing something else he will be stroppy and bratty and a nightmare.

His memory is rubbish , i ask him to do the same things everyday and still he doesnt do it off his own steam.

also, occasionally he will forget words , last week he couldnt remember 'bottle' saying 'lemonade in it, you know round at the bottom and smaller at the top'
this prompted the doc to arrange a ct scan as hes having headaches all the time.
he also suffers from abscence attacks ( very minor epilepsy)

Dh could have his head under the sink fixing the tap (as the other week) and ds2 will keep mithering him about his broken rc car for example and just keep on mithering . He either doesnt care dh is busy or he just doesnt understand, i dont know.

i have thought this was probably normally but actually hes almost 12 now and his brother would have said 'dad when your finished can you help me' or something like that.

i seem to have told ds2 lots of times to stop onlythinking of himself.
He completely closed down at the school and stopped doing any work at all and spent lots of time alone.
How the hell do they ever come to a definate diagnosis for aspergers ? i mean i could fit half the nation to some of the things .
oe of my friends thinks it will be a very bad thing to be labelled as or anything else but i just want someone to tell me so we can do something.

You poor thing, what a stressful time you're having. I posted on your last thread when you were having trouble with your ds' school. I can only suggest going back to GP and asking him/her to pressure cahms as well as doing it yourself. I agree with others, maybe try home Ed. How does ds feel about it? Agree also it's not structured schooling, you could go to a museum, go swimming, walking,all sorts of stuff... I'd forget school for the time being. Build his confidence up in anyway you can... But keep on at cahms and back to gp I think. Good luck you are doing a fabulous job and you will get through this. Hugs Lucy x

Can you get him assessed privately?

Hi, sorry to hear what you're going through. We had similar things with DS2, now 15, though on a much more minor scale.

Can only echo what others have said about pester power. We found CAMHS quite wishy-washy in the end, but luckily our DS seems to have worked through his problems in the meantime and it looks like he was/is just struggling with the emotional side of puberty, although he really put us through the mill with his distress. He was practically incoherent at times, coming home from school as he had broken down emotionally and saying he felt unable to get through the next 2 years as he didn't fit in anywhere or with anyone. Clearly your problems go further than this. I think six months for the next appointment sounds totally unrealistic. We were told that if DS had, or ever did mention self-harm or morbid thoughts in any way then we were to immediately get back in touch and it would be classed as urgent. Unless or until that occured they didn't seem particularly interested in addressing his issues and focussed rather more on me and the rest of the family and how WE dealt with day to day

I am also sorry for the attitude of your HOY, ours was sympathy and support itself - on the school side of things I would go above his head and emphasise to them that you are trying to support the school and your child, and again, I would keep 'communicating' with them or the LEA until you make some progress. Hopefully you will find some good advice as to the best route to take on the SN thread. There is no-one better placed to fight your Son's corner than you, whatever it takes. Good luck xx

I'm no expert but he sounds quite depressed to me. In which case he could do with help now (as if you didn't know this).

Could you pay to see someone privately? Not all counselling is expensive (but I don't know who it would be best for him to speak to). I would go back to your GP and pressurize for more immediate help.

thankyou , i think camhs are going to assess him on the aspergers. the lady we saw asked us lots of questions which seemed to relate to aspergers ( i had done some reading on aspergers beforehand)and took notes.

I was considering Home ed as a last resort but i am worried that it may not be a good idea as he is reluctant to do anything but play on the x box. i limit that to an hour and half but he is difficult.
The constant headaches hes having are becoming a big problem as they are interfering with his kartae classes and everything else w are trying to do. I have got an appointment to check this out, so i can be sure theres no medical problem going on but it all takes time.

i have realised whilst working with him at home that he is easily overwhelmed by more than one task at a time and he needs to go slowly. he seems unable to solve problems himself , if the answers not written in a book to copy out its game over.
we now have an appointment to go in to a new school this afternoon.
should i tell the school he needs special help ? will they sort that ?

I can't answer your last question, but vis a vis your general situation:

Could you have a casual chat with him and offer him the alternatives? You will have to go back to school soon - albeit a different one - or you can be home edded for the moment. If you choose home ed, then you will have to make the effort to cooperate with me etc.

You don't have to home ed forever, you could do it for the moment, on a fairly casual basis but with a decent routine, go at his pace and use things he's interested in doing as a reward for doing things he's not so interested in first. That could keep you going until CAMHS have sorted things out a bit more, and you know what you're looking at.

i had the exact same issues with my son...i could have written your post!

nobody however would listen to me i was told that it was normal while he adjusted to high school.
eventually aged 11 he stabbed himself. i took him to a+e and they sorted out an urgent camhs appointment.
he was observed and talked to and then he had a ados test for austism.
turns out he has asd.
now i knew things were a little different with my son and i knew they always had been but nobody would listen. i fought from him being 2 years old but was branded a neurotic mother.
it took my child trying to commit suicide for them to listen.
dont let that be you. get him to the doctors now and demand a refferal.
and if you ever need to talk to someone who has been through it (and still is to some extent) please message me. i will try my best to offer support to you during this awful time.
heartbreaking isnt it and as mum you wish you could take their pain away.
incidently my son was also bullied at school, he had 3 ribs broken and the school initially denied it happened there, until another child produced his mobile phone with the attack recorded on it. after that and a threat of going to the press the school upped their game and kicked out the louts responsible.
sorry have gone on a bit. im here if you need me xxxx

Thats awful fostermummy, your poor ds and poor you aswell.
We had an appointment with the potential new school this afternoon. I had looked back through some of his school reports from the primary school beforehand and was struck by how good they were compared to how things were at the high school.
could the primary really have missed a child with aspergers ? im really confused.

The new school had some info from the one hes left and i also took the school reports. i explained everything. they are probably as confused as me now!

They did say that should he be offered a place then they would make sure the sen teacher was aware that there was a possibility of aspergers and also consider a more gradual return for him such as mornings only or something.

as we were leaving he saw some of his old friends from primary and it was heartwarming to see how they came running over.
i can only hope that having some friends makes the difference although something tells me he might have fallen out with them by the second week!

how long would camhs take to diagnose? if our appointment isnt for 6 months then we could be waiting an age couldnt we ? do they give you a definate diagnosis ?

fostermum, i really appreciate you saying you are around to offer advice, its felt so lonely me and ds2 going crazy all day at home for weeks so thanks for that.

it took six appointments for them to diagnose.
two were observing him three were talking with him and one was the ados test where upon they diagnosed asd.

they did this through various methods including imaginative play, which he could not do.
he also found it very hard to seperate boys playing from being bullied and had and still has no idea how to respond socially to situations and people.

his high school put him on the sen program and there was talk of statementing him for a while bt they have since changed thier minds.
he excels at art and we recently received a letter stating he was in the top 20% out of our whole county for his artwork.
i know im bragging but why not when he doesnt manage anything else very well lol.
im super proud of him no matter what but he really does art well, he creates the most beautiful pictures be them pencil, crayon, paint whatever.
people can never believe he has done them free hand.
sorry i will shut up now bragging lol.

i meant what i said, if you need any one to talk to im here
x