"That makes Mummy sad" - exercise in empathy or emotional blackmail?

[DitaVonCheese]

DD is just over two. Sometimes when I'm trying to get her to do something, or to stop doing something, I tell her "It makes Mummy sad/happy/cross/etc when you do that". I hoped it would teach her to think about the effect of her actions on other people and would be a useful lesson in empathy, but at first I felt as though I was just emotionally blackmailing her. Now that seems to have worn off but was wondering how other parents felt about it ... ?

Your child is 2. She needs to learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour (as you know). I think you are treating her as if she is an awful lot older. It is sufficient to say 'no, that is not allowed', and praise good behaviour. You need to be a lot more basic. i.e. - 'if you throw the food on the floor again I shall take it away' is good. Then you have to take it away if she throws it on the floor. For tidying, say 'it is time to tidy now'. No 'shall we?'. If your child refuses then say fine, 'no tidying, no book'.

Lordy, I used to be terribly strict with mine when they were small, worked though as they are lovely 8 year olds now (mostly) :)

I agree with seeker completely.

It's a very mean thing to do, to tell a child that your emotional wellbeing is in their hands.

there are all sorts of reasons why children should stop making a mess/wear their hat, not bite a sibling - making mummy sad should not even be hitting the radar.

Mummy should be Mummy The Great And Almighty! Not Mummy the Emotionally Labile Fragile Wreck!

Hmm. But what if you really are sad? I confess to having told DS it makes me sad if he hits me. Because it hurts and I do feel sad. Is it not ok to express that at all? or am I using the wrong words?

DitavonCheese, rather than "please don't + reason" have you tried telling your child what to do or what is supposed to happen.

Eg "Food goes in your plate or in your mouth"

The other thing is reconsidering your requests/adapting the child's environment so there aren't too many things that 'make mummy sad'

Eg I agree that water needs to stay in the bath but we have a shower curtain so if the DCs are in a splashy mood, we pull the curtain and the water stays in the bath.

tinierclanger, I don't know how old your DS but assuming the hitting is a developmental stage then if it truly makes you sad, I don't think you should tell him for reasons given by other posters.

But yes, you should always say when it hurts.

He's only 2.5 so yes it's just normal. But hurting people does make them sad doesnt it? How else to explain why it's not ok? Genuine question, not trying to be controversial. I suppose it's to keep emphasising it hurts and they dont like to be hurt themselves...

"if you hurt people, they won't want to play near you and that wouldn't be nice, would it?"

Because that is utterly true, and will be a very real consequence of violent play.

I've been pondering this with DS. He has very good speech and understanding for his age, and DH and I both know that we are sometimes guilty of treating him as older than he is because he can articulate his feelings and thoughts so well.

One of our major stumbling blocks is that he always decides to muck about when it is time to get dressed/changed/ready to go out somewhere. With the help of a Thomas book about trains being on time/late etc we've managed to get the idea of lateness and being in a hurry across to him, and he does now co-operate better.
So instead of me getting increasingly worked up and having to manhandle him into his clothes, chase him round the house to get shoes on etc - if I say 'DS we need to go and do X, we are in a hurry or else we will be late' he gets that now and will do as I ask.

Food being dropped is another mega-annoyance, but 'please don't do that or you will have no more satsumas/apples today' or whatever does seem to be working.

Interesting about the poo in the bath. DS did that tonight for only about the 3rd time in his life. DH was supervising and yelled in surprise and hauled him out - which made DS cry. I thought he was crying about the poo, but I eventually established that he was crying because he thought he had made Daddy cross, which upset him a lot.
We do say 'you are making Mummy/Daddy cross' if he persists with really bad behaviour when we've asked several times for him to stop. We get it back though 'Mummy you have made me cross', when I won't let him watch Peppa or something.

Do you feel sad or very annoyed when hit by a 2.5 yo? How about saying 'You hurt my arm when you hit me and you must not do it again.' I wouldn't be sad when hit - I would find it very annoying and it would make me feel a certain amount of frustration too if it wasn't the first time it happened. But sad - no, unless I was expecting more empathy from a 2.5 yo than he was capable of and was taking it more personally than it was meant. It's not the end of the relationship when the toddler hits you - it's a teaching moment.

I agree wholeheartedly with those who say that anticipation is half the battle won.

mathanxiety Sorry, I should have been more clear. DD wouldn't have said "Yeah, so?" (we haven't got to cheek - yet :)), I just meant that, in her position, that's what I would be thinking: I just think it would be a bit hard for a toddler to grasp why the floor being dirty or wet would be a particularly big deal.

Agree with simic on Ps and Qs :)

ItsAllGoing I have read it, and love the theory, but completely baffled on the practice (which seems to be a common response!). Have also read How to Talk, but need to reread I think ...

Gipfeli I actually say no to very little, I think, and need to have a good reason (most of the time).

Larkin glad it's been helpful. Many thanks for all the replies - sorry to give bit of a quick reply but have just got in from a very long day ... Lots of food for thought, will reread and ponder over the next couple of days.