I hate my son at the moment and have no idea how to control him

[NoseyNooNoo]

A bit of background. DS is currently 2.5yrs. From about September he started to be really naughty e.g. every time in/out of car was a physical battle, he ran into roads, he kicked me, bit me, just basically did the opposite to what I wanted. I became ill in November to the extent that my mum had to stay to care for DS and his older sister. Then DH had 2 weeks off for Xmas so really I hadn't been the 'main parent' for about 7 weeks.

This week DH is back at work and literally the first day DS was fighting when getting in the car. He has been so naughty all week. DH had to go away on Friday and will be back on Tuesday. This morning DS, DD and myself went to the cinema. Mostly good but I spent a lot of time running around the cinema trying to catch him. DS almost killed himself fighting me on the escalator out. We went for lunch. DS wouldm't sit on the banquette thing. He wouldn't eat his food, only wanted DD's. He ran around the restaurant constantly. We then walked to Mothercare to buy an umbrella for him. He wouldn't hold my hand and almost got run over several times. Then in shop he tried to run out about 30 times. We then struggled to get him back in the car.

It has not been fun. He was put in his room as soon as we got home. I can't stand the sight of him frankly. He's bitten me twice whislt writing this and has said, 'Mummy you horrible repeatedly.

How do I regain control? I've actually ended up smacking him a few times to get him to stop which is not the answer.

Um, his behaviour is absolutely typical of a 2 year old and I think your expectations might be way too high. Perhaps your dd was much more docile and amenable at that age. tbh I would go to the cinema with a 2.5 yo, nor expect them to sit on a banquette to eat.

And I don't think it's 'naughtiness' or not what I would call naughtiness - I don't think at that age they go out of their way to be naughty, I think they push boundaries and do what gets a good reaction.

it sounds like your son is a boy for whom sitting still is not an option - so don't take him places where he has to sit still unless absolutely necessary, and I wouldn't confine them to a buggy as much as possible (thus negating the need for an umbrella!)

You regain control by setting appropriate boundaries, being consistent and lowering your expectations - try to avoid situations with which he won't cope well (eg restaurants and cinemas). i know this is much easier said than done.

Typo! I wouldn't go to the cinema with a 2.5 yo....

First thing you urgently need to do is get some reins or a wrist strap.

When I said umbrella I meant a normal one. He's been beating up his sister all week in order to get hers. I haven't put him in a pushchair for a very long time although I am sorely tempted.

I do have some reins, unofortunately it means we go nowhere. He just collapses on the floor. We only move forward if I carry him whilst being kicked, bitten etc. He just will not walk with reins.

My DD was much better as you suspected - but by no means perfect, there were times when she had me in tears.

He's been back in his room again since I wrote the OP...

Also, you say it's normal behaviour but the cinema things was a kids viewing. DS was not the youngest there but he was the only one running around. There were other children in Mothercare but no others ran out and there were several children in the restaurant who appeared to behave.

My perception is that he is worse than the average child when he was with me. If DH had been with us DS would have been rooted to the various seats.

I think mybe your expectations are too high. I'd maybe keep him in a stroller or reins when out and about. As you say, smacking him is really not the answer. All that will do is teach him to hit and be violent.

I took my 3 and half year old to cinema for the first time last month and it was lovely but I would never have attempted it before then. They are just too young to sit still and understand not to run off etc.

My ds was very similar in his not wanting to sit still. I just didn't go to restraurants or anywhere he had to be still or quiet!

Best thing I did was relax, not expect too much. I don't often even shout at my ds because as soon as you shout or hit you have lost control.

Also, before going shopping or to a friends house or whatever I still now give ds a bit of a quick run through of what we are going to do and how I expcet him to behave ie. hold mummy's hand, be gentle, share your toys nicely and so on. Sometimes children just are so over stimulated by the world they forget what is expected of them and how to behave. If ds doesn't do as I asked I can then say calmly 'ds, remember what mummy said about holding my hand or not running off etc'. If he carries on behaving like this I will then get to his level and ask him to stop. I also use the naughty step if his behaviour is very bad. In a shop I give ds the choice now he's older. You either hold mummy's hand and walk nicely or else mummy will put you in the trolley seat. You can say similar with a buggy/stroller.

It's all normal when your ds is doing. Just about being firm and calm. It's all just a phase though. My ds is a million times easier now than he was a year ago. Sorry this turned out to be a novel!

Oh and also don't compare him to other children you see. For all you know, their children sat beautifully today in the restaurant but tomorrow they'll be kicking off or running around tantrumming. It's just a snap shot that you see, not the whole truth. Lots of children can easily go and sit through a film by 18 months, equally lots of children- mine included, simply could not have coped with all the excitement and having to sit stil. They're all different. My ds is by no means the terror I thought he would grow up to be! It changes.

sounds like normal behaviour to me as well. I think both of my ds's would have struggled to sit through a film at 2.5. Personally I'd have abandoned the lunch out if he was not able to sit still in the cinema - maybe you did a bit too much with him? He needs reins or a wrist strap or to be strapped in a buggy. ds1 was a runner as well ...it's not easy.

Thanks OddBodd.

I just don't understand how to calm the situation, e.g once DS was running about at cinema I couldn't get control back and we've been to the theatre about 6 times with DS, DD and DH and he's been perfectly fine anyway. Also how should I have recovered the situation in the restaurant. he kicked off once the drinks had arrived. Should I have just left because from that point on I did not have control and had no idea how to regain it.

And was also annoys me (on a rant, moi?) is that is ruins DDs day too. We can't just do stuff suitable for a 2yr old boy all of the time.

Crossed posts - kind of answered my last questions.

The other thing about the cinema is that some children will sit through a film, but many won't. If you have a child who won't sit through a film at the cinema then no, you don't take them.

And whilst it might ruin dd's day, that's having siblings for you. Ruined ds's day to have to sit through a film he didn't want to sit through and sit on a new sort of seat - unless you have a banquette at home?! It cuts both ways.

Sorry - I feel like I'm sounding overly harsh and critical. But - and I say this with some experience, believe me - some children need a firmer hand than others. I'm not suggesting smacking! I mean you have to consistently repeat yourself over and over and not expect results for months.

I would've left the restaurant early, if I'd gone at all. When you have two chilren, you always need plan b and plan c - plan b for when child one kicks off and you have to go home and find some compensatory activity for child two and plan c for the other way around.

That's just how it is when you have more than one child. It's very difficult to juggle, you just have to muddle through avoiding as many tantrums as you can!

That's good advice thank you.

I would not attempt the restaraunt for a while yet or if you do make sure you talk him through simple instructions before hand like I said 'mummy expects you to sit nicely for a few minutes and eat your lunch' if he doesn't listen and you have lost control, quickly regain it by saying 'ds mummy asked you to sit nicely and wait for lunch' calmly down on his level. Put him back at the table and distract him with toy or crayons etc and really over praise him. If he still won't listen, I would say something like 'ds you either sit nicely or else we will all go home' which probably for the first time will happen because he is not used to you taking back control so he will test the boundaries to see if you mean it. Which of course you DO mean it and he will soon learn that.

I should add that many children (like mine!) simply do not enjoy restaraunts and find it stressful and boring so don't assume that because something is a treat for you and dd then your ds will see it the same. Sory I sound bossy but I have been where you are and looking longingly at other children behaving nicely and wishng I could have the same. Lower your expectations. It will all happen in good time. You have many years of going to restaraunts and cinema when they are older.

I have a 2.5 year old DS. Today he tried climbing over a banquette seat while we were out having a cup of tea with my MIL, we then went to buy him new shoes, he was the one screaming and trying to run around.

When we got home he sat on my lap and while playing managed to scratch my nose quite deeply and take my glasses off and jab the end of the arm into my eye.

His behaviour frustrates me immensely, but I figure that all I can do is show him the boundaries again and again, and stop him from being dangerous, to himself and others. I also try to be realistic about expectations. So we still use a buggy. I was with DH in the cafe today and as soon as was polite/DS started to be very difficult he was taken to have a run round outside while we finished our drinks. If it had been just me with DS I would have taken him out myself with a quick apology to MIL.

At the shoe shop I held him on my lap while his shoes were fitted, then he went back in the buggy and we went straight home. At home I told him off but then I went to have some time out, as he was not trying to hurt me and I needed to calm down - I was quite upset.

Your thread title really spoke to me because it is exhausting doing this kind of running around and not being able to take DS anywhere without major disruption. We also have an older DD and I wonder how much is due to being used to much more docile girls (not all girls, just the ones we've got)? Also I don't think I'm really doing anything differently to you, maybe it's just a matter of how we perceive it. I do know that heart-dropping moment when you realise that everyone is staring - like having to wait an hour at the doctor's surgery.

The other day I suddenly remembered that when DS was born, I used to look at this perfect little baby than at my troublesome toddler, with much the same feeling. It is part and parcel of the age, I think.

In terms of managing DS's behaviour, I'd say

1. Try to stick to 'safe' options for going out, so somewhere he can run about (for us this is limited to park, toddler group, friend's houses with children similar ages) or that won't take too long. In a way this is part of trying to pre-empt those stress points/places and stop things getting too bad before it happens.
2. Get there safely - buggy,reins, enforced hand-holding to cross roads, whatever you need. 3)Have a good awareness of what your boundaries are, and know what the consequence is if they are crossed. For example, if DS throws a toy, he loses it for the day as well as getting told off/time out/however you do it. Won't walk sensibly? Goes in buggy etc. 4)Give yourself time to recover sometimes - remember, you are the adult, they are just a young child. Sometimes a bit of time-out for me means I can go back and parent without the resentment.

Also, is there anyone who could take DD out occasionally for more grown-up activities? Or someone to look after DS while you take DD out?

He'll change, and you'll survive it.

I used to look at my baby and then at my toddler, and think 'why are you being such a rotter?

The first thing I would fix is the safety when out. I echo everyone who says get some reins or a wrist strap, or go back to the buggy. Everytime he plays up, runs off, won't go on, falls on floor, he gets picked up and strapped in the buggy. Tell him in a very calm way that only boys who can walk nicely can walk with the reins or whatever, otherwise he goes in the buggy.

I would probably not attempt to go to the cinema with a 2.5 year old, it's the worst age, younger and they can cuddle on your lap, older and they understand not to make noises or run round, but inbetween it's terrible. Ditto for eating out, I found there was about a year where it was just no fun for my 2.5-3 year old as they just want to run around and can't. I would practice going to easy places, setting the rules and going immediately out if he can't sit in the seat. But I would try to regain control at home first. Definitely either time out or whatever you do for hitting, with a very firm 'no hitting'. Hitting people can't watch telly, join in with others and so on, think natural consequences, he won't want to be put outside the room.

I think you've just been a bit caught out in that way that we all have, where you are going along, thinking they will be the same and act the same, and then they go into another phase and you are caught by surprise and feel terrible. YOu will learn to handle him, though, now you are getting better, and none of this is out of the boundaries of normal toddler behaviour, but you are right to want to put your foot down at this point before life becomes unhappier for everyone.

I think your expectations are too high.

At 2.5 hes obviously got lots of energy you need to be at soft play or at a park or swimming to use up this energy,you need to be in control so you must have a wrist strap or reins- keep telling him and you will get there.

You need to praise praise praise him,give him stickers give him cuddles be happy with him and help him see the behaviour you want from him.

Hes 2.5 he has no concept of actions and consequences all he understands is here and now.

You need to save the cinema for you and your dd and you must try and focus your day around activities and meals 'suitable' for your ds,im sorry to say that id hate to have been sat in the same restaurant as you if he were behaving like that.

Its only for a short time soon he will be almost a grown up time passes so quickly.

I would only add that you need to remember that his routine has been severely disrupted, his mum has been ill, and he doesn't know what the boundaries are any more. He is flailing around and needs you to set consistant rules and boundaries so that he can feel secure.

It will get better.

I think you need to work around and on him for a while.
By 'around' I mean perhaps one activity a day for a while is enough. That way you wont feel strung out and he wont be too stretched. He is energetic and physical. My DS2 was physical and a biter. It was like emotions or excitement got to much for him and he needed a physical outlet. A lot of children need physical feedback. You should 'study' him for a few days and see what triggers are there. Try and pre-empt these then with a physical activity. It would seem for now that anything still/sitting is too much. If you could picture an electrical current of energy running through him. Thats how he feels - he is just restless and needs to move. keep that in mind and maybe limit the amount of times that he has to be still and provide another distraction for when he has too. Toy for the car etc.
By working 'on' him I mean set up an occasion or too to discipline him and follow through. A friend of mine warned me she was having an issue with her ds hitting. when she brought him up to my house she gave him a warning on the first time that she would put him back out to the car. After he hit again she picked him up (with much resistance!!) and put him back in his car seat and just calmly said ' you had your warning' and she came back inside. This was a set up as we can see right into the car from my kitchen window. She left him 5 mins and went and got him again. She did same at her MIL's another day after and now all she has to do is threaten it!
I would also try and reward DD in front of him for her good behavior so he knows what to aim for! its an easier way of bringing him along rather than focusing on negative.

Hope some of this helps - try and remember he doesnt dislike you or intentionally want to hurt you. He is just finding his way. Go easy on yourself too. Its hard to be consistent and calm all day every day! we are not perfect! Its challenging but it will pass!!

Ah, i know how you feel,some days are soooo long with toddlers! First off I think you need to remind yourself that you don't hate him...I'm sure you don't. Take a look at him while he's sleeping and I can guarantee he'll melt your heart. If you're thinking negatively towards him,and expecting him to misbehave he'll live up to those expectations. What does he really enjoy doing? I know it's the last thing you probably feel like but could you spend some time doing what he loves? Or some one on one time with him and then one on one with dd? It's amazing what a difference doing this made to my ds and his behaviour. Does he get a lot of exercise? I find ds' behaviour is much worse if he hasn't had chance to get out and run around. We regularly take him to the cinema,or out for lunch/dinner but AFTER he has had 2hrs at the park, or been swimming etc. He's then much more likely to sit and do something quietly. I always take a bag of 'travel' toys out with us-toys he's only allowed to use when we're out so there's always something 'new'. Lastly just remember it's a phase...everything with my ds (2.7) seems to be a phase,so it will pass eventually!

TBH I couldn't take ds2 into a shop, never mind a cinema or cafe when he was that age.

He was extremely lively, and we spent all our time racing round parks, sports fields and swimming pools. I was much fitter in those days. He wasn't naughty - just exuberant. He was (is) highly intelligent, very creative, and an absolute nightmare.

He has grown up into a charming and lovely young man. I am sure your ds will too.

Everything is a phase.....

Thank you everyone who has replied. You have struck so many cords and helped me reassess things today - and made me cry.

This afternoon he kept saying he's tired but he won't sleep when I'm the only adult around. He then wanted to watch Toy Story so I put that on and he kept asking me to watch with him when I was 'busy' (ahem) on Mumsnet. I gave myself a slap around the chops and sat on the sofa between him and his sister but mostly cuddling him and put a blanket over us and it was lovely. I have to make more effort.

Then we had bedtime. He was very naughty so had his bedtime story taken away and then he was naughty again and he had his bedtime song taken away. I think I've been making too many threats and not following through.

Thank you all who mentioned that they had compared their toddler unfavourably to their baby. I do remember cradling my beloved perfect DS and looking at his sister and thinking she was exhausting.

I think we need to get out more. I shy away from the playground because DS is so adventurous. He climbs so high and my heart is constantly in my mouth and there was once when I bumped into a friend there, spoke to her for about 20 seconds and he ran the full length of the playground, opened the spring loaded gate and by the time I caught him he was about 50cm from the road. I can hardly have him in reins in the playground.

Oh and I don't hate him obviously. Roo, you are quite right that as he sleeps now he look like an Angel...

He sounds like mine. If ds2 ran out of the playground we went straight home. He loved the playground so he soon learned. He was terrible for climbing too - but he was very good at it....

He sounds like he would love soft play centres! All that climbing.

I took my DCs shopping yesterday and it was a nightmare (my youngest is a bit younger then yours) climbing on shelving in shop, screaming etc. If it had been primark or somewhere like that I don't think it would have been such a big deal but it was a quieter and slightly posher shop so everyone was staring. Couldn't sleep last night thining about what a terrible mum I am.

Gosh, I do think you are incredibly brave taking a 2 1/2 yr old to a restaurant and hoping he will sit on a banquette seat!!!

my DS is 2 1/4 and can only cope with being in public eating place if he is FULLY STRAPPED IN AND TIED DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!! And even then, to be honest, it is all pretty tricky and edgy and I need a huge bag of tricks (magazine, crayons, miniature puzzle etc) to keep him manageable and not too loud!

Re cinema, maybe he had lots of energy to use up in that moment - My DS is happy mostly to sit on lap and watch pantomime or cinema so maybe you were just unlucky there....

I tend to avoid all shopping with the little one for my own sanity really and take him to park, beach, play areas etc where it is safe for him to explore and be,,,, while i can snatch a quiet moment and a cuppa!!!

take lots of care of yourself at this tricky time..... its all totally mad isn't it!!!!