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Parenting

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Original poster

I hate my son at the moment and have no idea how to control him

43 replies

NoseyNooNoo · 09/01/2011 15:08

A bit of background. DS is currently 2.5yrs. From about September he started to be really naughty e.g. every time in/out of car was a physical battle, he ran into roads, he kicked me, bit me, just basically did the opposite to what I wanted. I became ill in November to the extent that my mum had to stay to care for DS and his older sister. Then DH had 2 weeks off for Xmas so really I hadn't been the 'main parent' for about 7 weeks.

This week DH is back at work and literally the first day DS was fighting when getting in the car. He has been so naughty all week. DH had to go away on Friday and will be back on Tuesday. This morning DS, DD and myself went to the cinema. Mostly good but I spent a lot of time running around the cinema trying to catch him. DS almost killed himself fighting me on the escalator out. We went for lunch. DS wouldm't sit on the banquette thing. He wouldn't eat his food, only wanted DD's. He ran around the restaurant constantly. We then walked to Mothercare to buy an umbrella for him. He wouldn't hold my hand and almost got run over several times. Then in shop he tried to run out about 30 times. We then struggled to get him back in the car.

It has not been fun. He was put in his room as soon as we got home. I can't stand the sight of him frankly. He's bitten me twice whislt writing this and has said, 'Mummy you horrible repeatedly.

How do I regain control? I've actually ended up smacking him a few times to get him to stop which is not the answer.

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msboogie · 10/01/2011 14:46

OMG I have a DS the same age and I am shuddering at the thought of taking him to the cinema. Restaurant fine, but he would have to be in a high chair for everyone's sake. He is a nightmare in supermarkets running away and wanting to be chased so we get a trolley for him to "drive" around even if we are only there for a few small items.
Ditto the reins - he just drops to the floor - so he has to go in the buggy.

They are just that bit too young to be resoned with, really.

petisa · 10/01/2011 22:36

Oh god I have a docile-ish 2.8 year old dd and there is now WAY I would take her to the cinema And sitting on her seat at a restaurant? Well, maybe for 10 minutes...

As others have said, your ds is not "naughty", he's normal! He's not ready to be let loose on the world, you need some form of restraint, buggy if he won't do reins, for some of the time, to stop him killing himself! Or get him to pick a nice little rucksack just for hhim, get him to pack it with his stuff, and then take him out with it on his back and the reins attached to it.

He also needs to run around wild for as much time as possible, like a puppy, at the park or soft play (basically, they ARE puppies ) and if you need to do difficult stuff like restaurants and shopping, you need to treat him like a time bomb, have loads of distractions to stop him from "exploding" and if he does explode, get out of there quick! Buy the important stuff first

My docile dd ran like the wind around a museum last week and kept giving me near heart attacks by disappearing out the front door and around corners. I know we hadn't been out for a while but it was crazy! And she shouts no! at everyone at the moment and tries to kick her 4 month old sister. I tell her not to, but does it make any difference? Hell no, she's not even 3 yet!

Original poster

NoseyNooNoo · 11/01/2011 00:20

An update. DS very nearly got run over today. He ran into the road and the car didn't see him, didn't stop etc. I managed to catch him when he was about 30cm from a car going 30mph. Scary stuff. So a wrist strap thing is on order from eBay as we speak.

We went for a long run and hide'n'seek in the park to wear him out. He loved it.

We went to Sainsburys today to buy 2 items. He loves this store because it has a Thomas ride which he wanted to go on immediately. I said he could if he was good all the way around the store. He was an Angel! Then the second he was off the Thomas he almost got himself run over in the car park.

Everytime we got in the car he fought me. Everytime I said 'get in the seat or you go to your room when we get home'. He spent a lot of time in his room today (well just 5mins at a time). He did seem to start understanding as we went. However, he had no story again for the 3rd night runing because he wouldn't behave at bed time.

I do feel that I have regained some control today but it breaks my heart to follow through on the punishment threats. Am I being to harsh?

I just have to cotnrol him on the pavements. My heart can't take much more of it to be honest.

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lovelyopaque · 11/01/2011 00:27

I would definitely go back to the buggy whenever possible. 2.5 is fine to be strapped in still.
Also, I would try to have time with your dd alone for example at the cinema. It will mean more to her anyway, with just the two of you. He sounds hard work but normal!

lovelyopaque · 11/01/2011 00:28

i would ignore him as you strap him in car seats etc. Just keep at it until it is done, and don't talk about it. He'll get over it.

tryingtoleave · 11/01/2011 06:57

He sounds a lot like my ds at that age. I couldn't do anything with him until he was three. Once he was three we did 1,2,3 magic and it worked well but he wasn't ready beforehand.

It sounds like you are spending too much energy on punishing and getting angry and not enough on actually controlling him. I had ds on reins and if he wouldn't walk I picked him up and carried him kicking and screaming under my arm. If your ds won't get in his seat then just pick him up and strap him in. It's not worth arguing and threatening about.

differentnameforthis · 11/01/2011 07:32

First thing you urgently need to do is get some reins or a wrist strap

Second that. Or just a buggy!

peppapighastakenovermylife · 11/01/2011 07:37

Ditto everyone. But what on earth is a banquet seat??

heartsnflowers · 11/01/2011 07:56

have you seen the rein type things that they wear as a backpack?

Bedtime stories are calming -how about 2 if he`s good -one if not--are there some that tackle safety and behaviour issues?ask at the library.

can you take photos of him being good and print them off to talk aboutwith him -how proud you were etc -what a good drawing he did etc?

I also think some bits of Supernanny are good.

SkyBluePearl · 11/01/2011 09:33

I think his behaviour is attention seeking and stems from the hard time you have all had recently. Forget the reins and so on. Get yourself a book called playful parenting from amazon. It's written by a guy called Cohen. Giving your son your attention through playfulness and making sure his emotinal needs are met is the way to go.

masuki · 11/01/2011 09:52

i also am struggling with car seat with DS 2 1/4, but like lovely opaque suggests, i simply overpower him and in the end i win! sometimes i encourage him saying ooo lovely snack/juice once we are in the car, and that has helped alot... or have a special book for reading in car, and waving it at him just as things get interresting!!!

OmicronPersei8 · 11/01/2011 11:01

Peppa, imagine a diner booth. See the seat, a sort of padded bench with a back? That's a banquette.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 11/01/2011 11:11

Ah thank you!

confusedperson · 11/01/2011 11:31

My DS is now 2.9yo and behaves well outside, but few months ago he would have love to run out to the street or have tantrum whilst we were crossing the street. That was non-negotiable to me. I would hold him and drag from the street whilst he would try to bite my hand. I told to him, if you running around, that I will hold your hand tight every time. Now he has learned to walk nicely next to me, and holding my hand when crossing streets.
OP, you have to take control of the situation for these basic things, like safety.
I also think that 2.5yo is too little for cinemas...

vixy0007 · 11/01/2011 11:38

I have a 3 yo brother who is an absolute nightmare. Not just your normal terrible twos behaviour, totally uncontrolable all day, every day. You cant talk to him, he just growls, if he is in the same room as another child he'll purposley hurt them either by clawing their face, biting or kicking and punching. I think unless you live with this behaviour you cant really imagine what it is like. Last year we started giving him alot of praise everytime he did something 'good' and we used stickers, if he shared his toy, he got a sticker, ate his dinner, sat down an was quiet he got a sticker etc. Then we put a fireman sam ladder on his wall with a sam stuck to it an when he'd been good ( not perfect but managable) sam would move up the ladder an when he reached the top he would get a treat. It took a few weeks but he is so much better now. My mom would sometimes snap an smack his bum but it didnt do anything other than make him shout louder, we ignored his bad behaviour an praised the younger brother instead. He would soon stop an come an see why we were so happy with the other one an soon began copying. My mom avoids anywhere he has to sit an be quiet, we go to stage plays where the kids are encouraged to join in instead or a wacky warehouse.?

msboogie · 11/01/2011 12:22

With my DS its like trying to get a strongwilled cat into a bath (minus the claws) when we try to put him into the carseat. Last night he fought so much DP couldn't actually get him in even with me holding onto his legs. It took a promise of a talking robot on my phone to still him. It's all perfectly normal.

ommmward · 11/01/2011 16:03

Car seats is just a matter of time.

We don't own a car, so it's easy for me to preach - cars are always a big big treat for members of my family :-D

But whenever going in a car, I allow at least 15 minutes extra for getting into the car. If the children get straight in their seats, then that's fab. Off we go. Otherwise, children who don't want to go in their seats can have a while "driving" the car (do you not remember doing that as a child? Wasn't it the biggest thrill in the world?!) or standing on the floor in the car playing with toys on the seat.

Every 3 or 4 mins (but no more often) you say "into your seat, then we can go to [Interesting Place]" and if they say "no!" you say "ok. Here's your piggie to play with for a bit". Make sure older child has something to do while they are sitting patiently. Maybe read everyone a story? And in the end he'll be ready to pop in his seat.

So much of a child's life happens according to an adult agenda. I feel I owe it to my children to give them as much control within the constraints of my immoveable agenda as I possibly can.

OP - in your shoes, I'd be trying to get out of this naughty/good opposition all the time. Just give your child lots and lots of positive attention. And it's not about being "naughty". It's about not knowing the societal norms, or being in a situation which is a bit beyond them developmentally (cinema? with a 2 year old? you wouldn't catch me attempting that). And it might mean - sorry - paying a bit more attention. If your child runs away, then that means you need to watch him closer and run with him, to keep him safe. It doesn't mean he's being "naughty" or "wilful" or "suicidal" - he just doesn't get why he has to stay next to mummy in a docile and unobtrusive manner. And if he doesn't get it, then you can't expect it. And punishing people isn't a great way of teaching them anything except fear.

3littlefrogs · 11/01/2011 23:00

Have you considered getting a "steering wheel" type of toy for the car seat?

I have to confess that with ds1 I got so sick of kneeling on his chest to get him into the car seat, one day I produced a packet of chocolate buttons (like training dogs)and said "you can have one if you get into your car seat without a fuss". He was about 2.

It worked like a charm. Every time. Within a couple of months he had outgrown the phase and the chocolate buttons were no longer needed.

He is 22 now and doesn't like chocolate. He is a healthy food fanatic.

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