Feel guilty about not doing enough "stuff"/activities with DS. Should I be doing more?

[Honeybee79]

Hi

My DS is 12 weeks old and is generally content. I have a night time routine (he goes to bed and sleeps from about 8.30pm through to 8am). I am trying to establish a very loose day time routine too based around working with what he already does of his own accord.

The other mums I know (generally NCT but not all) do SO MUCH stuff with their babies. Every day it's either baby massage, baby yoga, sensory, baby swimming etc. I don't do any of this and feel bad. Instead, we play on DS' mat, in his chair or on his changing mat, we look at bright little books as he sits with me and we go out for a walk every day. I often meet friends for a coffee or someone comes round to my place for a coffee.

To be honest, I don't do all the baby activities because I still feel stressed and anxious having to be somewhere at a specific time, I don't drive and we're counting the pennies while on maternity leave. But is DS missing out? Should I be trying harder?

Feel a bit inadequate! Any thoughts or advice? Thanks.

I didn't do any of those things. I hate those sorts of things. Or baby groups of any kind.

My son started daycare at 13 months, part time, so I could go back to work and he had no problem adjusting despite not doing any of those things.

So if you don't want to do them, don't do them!

OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Your baby needs your tit (or a suitable replacement) your arms, and your face, and a few toys with you attached at the other side of them. And NOTHING ELSE.

Baby this that and the other results in mothers who don't know how to 'be' with their babies!

What coldtits said so eloquently :o

Thanks! Felling better already. I just don't get why people want to cram their days with all this stuff instead of just relaxing a bit and doing things at their own pace . . .

God no! You'll have enough feelings of guilt later on in life when they can talk and tell you that everyone else has this that and the other to do! :o

congrats on your little contented one :)

I know how you feel. My DD is 17 weeks and I have not been to any classes with her. I am starting one next week, mainly for my benefit to be honest to get some adult conversation and for DD to have contact with other babies as my friends near here don't have any. But, one a week will be more than enough for us - my priority is making sure she gets her naps when she needs them!

Your son is only 12 weeks old !! I thought you were going to say he was 7 or something.

I am feeling guilty (a little) as my DS is off school, much better but cannot go back yet because of the 48 hour rule. I have left him lying in front of the TV for the vast majority of the day although I should and could be doing 'educational stuff' with him. Must go and force him to write a few more Christmas thank you letters.

You need to chill out .

Ragwort - it's just that all the other mums I know do the stuff. I AM chilled out by comparison though guess I should stop caring what other people I know are doing!

I am not a parent yet (pregnant with my first) but already starting to worry about the potential expectations I might feel from joining NCT and feeling like I have to attend every class going.

On balance I think that as long as you don't feel like you're starting to feel isolated in your own home (not leaving the house for days on end for example - which you're obviously not, as you go for a walk) and your baby is happy, that is all that matters. I also think that it is important that you bond properly with your baby whilst you are on MAT leave and wonder how well that can be achieved if you are constantly rushing from class to class with your baby.

Keep it up, it sounds like you're doing a great job

Sounds like both you and your baby are doing just fine!

But of all the classes your friends do, I'd go for the baby massage. Just a once-a-week class might bring some structure to your week, and the benefits of massage will be great for both of you (unlike the other activities which are just boring for mums IMO)

Go to classes etc. if you enjoy the social interaction they bring - not because you think your baby needs them. I didn't do any baby activities because I couldn't be bothered to have to organise my days round them.

make the most of him being immobile, and wheel him in the buggy round art galleries, shops, and cafes while you still can. Once he can crawl/cruise, and is no longer content to watch the world go by from a buggy/sling, then start going to the groups.

I started doing a lot of things with DS when he was that age - swimming, Rhyme Time, a mother and baby group and I went to clinic a lot. I did everything I could and would have done more if it was available. I did it because I needed to. I had mild PND and found adjusting to being a parent hard. It really helped me to have a structure to my week and to get out and about to meet people. None of it was really for DS's benefit, although I'm sure that he appreciated having a happier mummy as a result!

I think what you are doing is absolutely fine, if you suits you and your DS. I just wanted to share a different perspective - doing loads of classes and activities does not necessarily mean a hyper-competitive mummy, it could just mean a slightly depressed, anxious and lonely one!

Don't feel bad! I was feeling like you a few weeks ago, my dd is 19 wks, all my nct lot go to 2 classes a day, every day it seems, i realised not only was a much more chilled out person, one who is comfortable spending time with myself and my baby, which I might add some of the girls don't seem to be, but also that my maternity leave is for building a relationship with my daughter, not merely a wider social circle, my DH I'm sure thinks I'm being boring when h hears what the other guys wives are doing each day, but I have to be the one who deals with the meltdown of overstimulation and overtiredness, I went to classes at the beginning but soon realised most of them wete not for the babys but the mums, I get out every day, thats good enough for me x

I didn't do anything like that with DD and she didn't really interact with other children until she went to nursery at 2. She's a perfectly well-adjusted 4 year old with plenty of friends now so it did her no harm.

I hated the thought of baby groups and loved spending time with DD, so no, I don't think there's any need for a 7 week old to do the activities.

At 12 weeks!!!!!!!!

Sit back and enjoy him!

BornToFolk I totally agree that classes are really useful if you're struggling to adjust or feeling isolated. I do occasionally go to my local NCT coffee morning and it's nice to talk to other mums. I guess I am also just content spending time on my own with DS (have always liked being on my own and can easily fill the day) but was just feeling a bit bad that everyone else I know does so much and reports back in such detail on what they're doing!

Dont do it! You'll end up with a child who doens't know how to entertain themselves when they get to 2/3/4 years old.

With my first, now 7 did loads and he's terrible at playing on his own/entertaining himself, starting a game or generally thinking for himself. While my dd 5 did nothing and is very content and ds 1 is the same and did none of the activites.

I found it all very stressful as well, but with my third I've just done tit, face, cuddle and loved every minute!

Agree with most of the MNetters above - at this age classes are mainly for Mummy's benefit - which is fine if it keeps your mood up

And they ask "what classes are you and iaubu baby doing" .... And your reply is "none...", then you get q gap or pause, and maybe a look of utter disgust?!

You can parent without the classes and groups but some people can't conprehend how that's possible so it leaves you feeling like a bad parent, and anything you say that knocks the classes and groups makes you feel bitchy! Catch 22!

Do what's right for you, not the other Mums in your NCT group.
My DS is the same age and I've just started investigating 'classes' for him/us and the best thing I have found is the local sure start children's centre. They run loads of drop in sesions through the week - music, play, post-natal groups etc but they are all drop in/pay as you go so I don't have to commit to being there every week. If we can't be bothered to leave the house we don't have to go but equally when I'm feeling the cabin fever set in I know where I can go for parent-company.

All these things cost rather a lot, too (although there are some free ones).

Apart from cost, it totally depends on how active you are as a parent & what kind of things you enjoy doing. Because these classes/groups are aimed at the mothers & not the babies, particularly at your baby's age; not that the babies don't enjoy them too, they might in some cases, but often they just sleep through them :)

When my baby was that age I used to take him to a weekly Sure Start music 'group' where he slept & bf most of the time, but I found it nice. And that was it.

Now that he's 2.5 years I've gotten lazier & lazier . He spends 3 days at nursery & the 2 days I have him with him we mostly just see friends at home (with other toddlers), take walks around our area / in the park etc, or just mostly hang around the house doing nothing much & enjoying each other's company.

Apart from justifying my own laziness, I do believe it's good for young children to just be with their parents, particularly for babies who get overstimulated/overtired very quickly.

I hear you iaubu!

One of the mums I met for coffee asked if we had started doing any exercises with ds (12 weeks) to develop his strength or any brain development activities. I nearly pissed myself, silently.

We do a lot of walking about, and meeting people for food, mostly for my benefit, but no classes. Mum and baby pilates doesn't count as all ds does is sleep or get used as a weight

I feel sorry for the babies whose mothers feel the need to do this. It is so unnecessary, and is just the start of a whole lifestyle of over-pushed children who cannot entertain themselves.

You mention that you see your existing friends for coffee. That's plenty for the baby, and excellent for you. Children don't play with each other for the first year or two but are just little sponges soaking things up. The conversations he's overhearing you have are more than enough stimulation for him. If you keep that up, it'll also expose him to far more varied language than he'd hear in a group of babies and mothers and hopefully give him a great vocabulary.

Worry about the activites and exposure to other children when he's a bit older (and you've got a bit more disposable income to facilitate it!).