My toddler doesn't eat. Can't cope with this anymore!!

[sleepyhorse]

My ds1 is 2.5, he has never been a great eater but it's getting beyond ridiculous now. He will only eat fish fingers and baked beans and occasionally cottage pie. Refuses vegetables and aside from the cottage pie he won't eat meat. We have cut out snacks completely in between meals and no longer allow biscuits or cakes as we found that wasn't helping matters. We don't replace the meals he rejects with another meal as advised by the hv as apparently he will just think he can play us. He is wasting away and starting too look quite ill, he has developed red blotchy patches on his cheeks recently which I think must be from not getting a balanced healthy diet. Don't want to keep calling hv every 2 mins. Sorry if this is long but just don't know what to do anymore, it's really getting me down.

"starting to look quite ill" = it is definately time to get him checked out by your gp. Even if nothing underlying for his refusal any decent gp will not think you are wasting their time but you know your child and from what you say you have tried the usual route now time for gp. my child was stubborn about food and we tried to stop it becoming an issue easier said than done and we never "won" it just continued in one way or another until much older but you say "starting to look quite ill" so do not hesitate to seek further help.

You will get lots of good advice here. Mine would be to relax - he won't starve, and you're clearly seriously stressing out. Are you in his face, coaxing and negotiating at mealtimes? It's hard not to do that but I think it really pressurises them.

I would offer snacks simply because lots of toddlers eat little and often rather than big meals. I would eat at the table as a family, sharing the same food, as often as possible, all together, chatting, relaxed atmosphere, if he eats he eats, if he doesn't it's no big thing. And keep offering a wide range of food and ignore negative reactions or refusals. It will pass, honestly.

How long has the new approach been going for (the no snacking between meals)?

What about also giving a multivitamin too?

Agree with Rivi, get him checked out first.

Also agree with giving him some vitamins and would he accept fruit as a snack?

agree with seeing the GP now to rule out any underlying causes, and also to get you access to a nutritionist etc if necessary

in the meantime try to relax! i know that's easier said than done though. don't stress out at the dinner table, don't try and get him to eat, don't cajole him. just meal down. if he doesn't eat then take it away again

i'd say if you're worried about his weight etc then offering snacks is fine. you want him to eat. so for now go with whatever works

i would give him a small amount each mealtime so it doesn't overwhelm him.
always make sure there is something on the plate that you know he will eat, as well as some things he won't.
try and sit down as a family and eat so that he gets used to what happens and sees you all eating up

make sure he has access to healthy snacks throughout the day. perhaps have a cupboard he can go to and help himself.
when i say healthy i mean healthy for a toddler, not an adult. so not low-fat stuff iyswim? toddlers need more fat etc in their diet than we do. but equally you don't want it all to be "easy" food like biscuits, crisps etc that you know he will eat.

maybe try some homemade flapjack/cookies which you can make with less sugar, fruit that he can manage himself, cheese cubes etc etc

Have you tried offering a selection of very small sized portions, of different foods on the plate. If you offer something you know he will eat on the plate, say a fish finger, or spoonful of beans, then maybe a some chunks of cucumber, some peas, a bit of chicken, some apple. Lots of food can be quite overwhelming, where as smaller portions may help, offering something new with something familiar may help.

Some very good advice from on here. Just wanted to add that my DD is quite fussy, she would like on plain pasta if we let her.

Two things that help us are getting her to help in the kitchen and refusing, quitely, to remove anything from her plate. We've had this rule with both DC and works for us. They don't have to eat the offending item, but it stays there. Like thisis says, just make sure there is some stuff on the plate that they will actually eat too.

If you are worried about him from a health point of view, how about thinking of food in 5 small meals instead of breakfast, lunch and dinner? DD was like this (and is still a bit of a grazer, although a lot better at nearly 5) and we bascially let her "graze" a bit more. I didn't let her eat junk but I let her have two decent snacks a day in between measl. Stuff like fruit, crackers, smoothies, rice cakes, raisins, yoghurts, flapjacks, etc just to ensure she got some food down her without the stress of mealtimes. I also gave her tiny portions as she just couldn't face (and still can't) a huge plate of food.

I know this is the opposite of what you have probably been told to do but it helped us. I also used to (and still do) bake a lot of healthy muffins and flapjacks with DD - she would eat a lot of what she had made for some reason.

Good luck, I know it is so stressful having a child that doesn't eat very well.

My DD went though a white phase when she hit 2.5 where she'd only eat yoghurt, pasta with butter and cheese, toast and porridge. She did eat tons of fruit though. Drove me demented as I wanted her to eat other veg. She even rejected potato.

I second cookie on lots of little things, but otherwise, if he'll eat a bowl of pasta, it's still eating, and I think that they feel our stress and mealtimes become unpleasant, which stops them eating more.

Finally, if I really want them both to eat and they are being fussy now, I stick a short cbeebies thingy on the iplayer on my computer and they just shove in anything in front of them. I find rice and peas (mixed with some butter and cheese) a very good meal for them when the are being fussy.

Good luck, and I hope it's just a phase.

120 once read an interview with David Bowie where he was talking about his "white phase". His consisted of cocaine and milk though so at least your DDs diet was better than that

rofl JJJ.

Just remembered we also have a tasting rule, where DD had to taste stuff, but not eat it. I didn't even make her have a spoonful (I do now). She was allowed to dip her finger in and suck it. That got her to try (and then like and eat) all sorts of things eventually.

120 The tasting rule sounds pretty much like our stays on your plate rule. We refuse to take it off the plate and 9 times out of 10 they taste it anyway

They also aren't allowed to say they don't like anything unless they have actually tasted it.

Am beginning to think you are actually me

My 3 year old DS has never eaten fruit or veg so I'd agree with vitamins (he thinks they're sweets). I have been very relaxed just keep thinking it will change ...

I do find that cooking helps a bit. He helped me roll falafels at home the other day and hoovered them up afterwards. or make frozen fruit lollies? smoothies? again small portions are good in case he rejects it anyway ...

but if he's ill looking I think you have to talk to the GP.

good luck.

sleepyhorse forgot to ask, does he attend any childcare and if so, how is his eating there?

Has he always been a fussy eater from weaning him or is this something that has just started?
I'm afraid my DD was a nightmare at that age at mealtimes, and now aged 14 is a lot better. (although not a great eater, just better)

My DD had a lot of sensory issues, nothing bumpy lumpy crispy or crunchy... and if the food touched she went bolistic. (we laugh about it now)

I knew that when I wanted to throw her and the bloody food through the window, I needed to take a different approach. We ate more food together, and we put the food on the table for her to help herself, and she had to taste somehting but didn't have to eat it if she didn't like it, as long as she tasted it... there was always something that she liked to eat, even if it was bread and butter..

it is our job as a parent to nourish and protect our children, and it is heartbreaking when they refuse it eat.

have you kept a food diary to see exactly what he is eating? Maybe small snacks through out the day would be easier for him.

good luck x

hey... another vote here for the tasting, but not eating rule

Wow some great advice on here - am liking the regular small snacks throughout the day.

Just re-read my OP and just want to point out that where I said he is looking ill what I actually meant was unhealthy (honestly Im not that bad a mother that I would not seek help if things got that bad:-). He looks pale, skinny and noticed recently his eyes are looking quite red. Am going to take him to the doctors tomorrow as I suspect he is anemic from lack of healthy food. Hopefully they will be a bit more helpful this time (I took him there about 2 months ago and they just told me to monitor his weight, no mention re vitamin drinks/food supplements).

Its causing so many arguments between me and DH as sometimes I give in if I see he is starving and let him have some carbs such as bread and he goes mental with me saying he won't eat at mealtimes. Its so hard as can't handle seeing him go hungry.

Does anyone know if complan drinks are suitable for 2.5yr olds?

Don't know about the Complan drinks but think your DH needs to calm down a bit. Your DS will pick up on it and it may even be stressing him.

Get DH to agree to a plan that is going to work for all of you. Do you think he will be happy with 5 smaller meals, eating at the table and the tasting rule?

Jiltedjohnsjulie - yes he does go to nursery twice a week but only for a few hours. He does 1pm - 3.15pm...so they just get fruit and juice which he is fine with.

To all you mums with fussy eaters - isn't it so stressful when you eat out with other families with small kids that eat really well...I always feel like I wished I had stayed at home!!

yes you are probably right jiltedjohnsjulie - arguing about it probably doesn't help DS. I think DH is just trying to stick to the routine suggested to us by the HV but its clearly not working so am going to try a different approach such as the one you suggested - will speak to DH about it.

It's awful sleepyhorse. We went away with friends for new year and 3 of the children had third helpings of the bognese I had made. They loved it and it was so refreshing to see children really enjoying their food and tucking in. Dd1 eats about as much as my 10 month old and never really loves anything I put in front of her. Unless it's cake!

my toddler has got thin over Xmas - he is teething too quite badly and sicks up solid foods sometimes.

i am going for -

normal breakfast.|(banana porridge)

biscuit snack with milk (slathered with butter)

greek yoghurt after small bread portion at lunch (or small bread & soup)

small soft cooked veg dinner (swimming in butter) followed by rice pudding with jam.

plenty of milk to wash it all down.

although i agree about not replacing meals, I am setting him up to succeed as much as possible - not giving him anything he mucks about with except in tiny portions.
i think part of the problem in his case is he can be a bi stressy abou food (he wil sick up if breakfast is delayed...) so i am trying to keep it as low-atention as possible.

if your kid eats bread - why not give him that?

twofalls - yep my DS1 would happily just eat cake, crisps and biscuits if he had it his way! Im probably just being paranoid but always feel like im being judged as a bad parent when DS doesn't eat in front of other parents.

edgaralenpie - yes he eats bread but the problem is if i make him a sandwich he just removes the filling such as ham, cheese etc and will just eat the bread hence not getting any protein....drives me mad! One thing he does eat well though is his breakfast - loves cereal! Sounds like a great menu you have there for your toddler :-)