TALK ME OUT OF A THIRD PLEASE

[sneakapeak]

I need sense kicked into me please.

Here is reasons why I shouldn't...

I have two beautiful kids, one of each.
DS is 3.5 and DD is 1.
Im 34, happily married (with the usual scars young children leave)!

My first PG was hellish. Very high risk/scary. Had Placenta previa, bled alot.
Lots of scans and had a long (too long) list of other issues and worries throughout.

My water broke over 3 weeks early and I poured of blood until they got me onto the operating table and delivered him by C Section.
Discovered I had Group B Strep but he was fine.

He was thankfully healthy.

Had severe reflux which nearly drove me round the bend but we survived (just).
Had awful anxiety for first year.

DD, I sailed through her PG.

Again, my waters broke over 3 weeks early with no sign of actual labour but carrying Group B strep, got IV antibiotics.

3 Day high risk Labour and birth but all fine and well in the end.
She also had severe reflux.

I developed an under active thyroid so the two combined along with a 2.5 yr old nearly drove me mad.
I suffered severe anxiety where I needed therapy and am only now starting to calm a little.

None of it is the worst that can happen and im so so lucky to have two beautiful healthy kids and I never forget that.

WHY the hell do I torture myself worrying about having a third?

My daft reasons for wanting a third....

Part of me wants a bigger family.

I love babies and small children so much and I want to hold onto them at this age forever.

I worry two isn't enough somehow.
I come from a small family and I feel a little scared sometimes.

If something happened to my mum Id have no family.

I wonder constantly who the third would look like, what gender, what different little traits they would have?
It's all very vague.

I barley cope with the two I have.

Im also 34 which isn't too bad but the risks I had all go up with age.

What I want is people with 3 (youngest at least 1) to tell me the negative side of 3!
I want to talk myself out of it and I need to hear reality instead of the rose tinted glasses I have on when thinking about big family's.

The one thing that doesn't bother me is money or foreign holidays. Neither are enough to put me off.

Sorry for the long post the inside of my head is a busy place!

I've said this on here before, set your alarm for every 3 hours at night for a week and see if you even want to have sex with you dh at all let alone ttc!

Can I watch this please - I'm in exactly the same boat (although didn't have as many issues in pregnancies/births with DD and DS but the money thing is an issue).

Well the hypothetical new baby would not be a baby for very long - it's a very short stage. I think you have to want a child, teenager, adult, not a baby iyswim.

i only have 2, always wanted 4 but have just spent the last fortnight nursing them both through illness and feeling guilty and torn for hichever one im not dealing with. another would push me over the edge.

Can you wait until the 3.5 is 5 and see what hell you'll be living then?

Yes, I wanted more but just about coping with 2 now DS is in reception. OH works constantly so I'm left watching two boys reconstructing everything and its not easy so 3 would make me jump over the cliff!

Totally agree with Paradis! Baby lovely, toddlers nightmare and not particulary looking forward to the teens, house full of moody kids - not for me. x3 school runs, costs, sickness, work (if you can).

Lets face it you have it perfect one of each - why spoil it?

3 is much much harder work than two. Being pregnant when you have already got two is a nightmare. Breastfeeding when you already have two is a nightmare. Finding something they all like to eat if more difficult with 3. Getting everyone dressed and out of the door is much more difficult with 3. (are you seeing a thread here?) I love DD3 to bits, but I could never recommend that 3 children is an easy option.

I think given that you have had a difficult time in one way or another with your 2 DCs, and given that as you get older risks increase (and that pregnancy is much more tiring) then I think you would be wise to count your blessings and stick with 2.

I agree with frenchfancy. Being outnumbered is not good.

It's working! Keep them coming.

Im going to print this off, roll it into a tube and insert it through my ear and into my brain!

CHecking in Sneaka, after my last thread.

My reasons for not having a third (ATM ):

I can forget any chance of a high flying career until I'm in my mid forties.

We will not be able to afford the extension.

We wil not afford to educate them privately should we choose to at a later date.

Uni fees.

Sleep.

Holidays.

Bigger car.

Cock up of current easy living arrangements (rather like having a spare room .

Dh and I will end up throttling one another.

Dds will miss out on valuable attention.

Birth.

Pregnancy. And putting on weight.

Will age me ten years.

Toddlers annoy me.

Restrictions. I like routine.

Illness - cannot be doing with any more sick days from any of us!

Oh, and the chance that the next may be SN. I simply don't know if I could cope and I fully admire and respect all those that do.

Mess and noise and baby proofing our idyllic home

Social life... down the pan. Dh and I like to party too much and I don't think we'd get babysitting for three so easily.

Find someone with a newborn. One with colic. One who needs feeding every two hours, on the dot. And who doesn't sleep. And who doesn't like to be put down - ever. Then babysit this baby for a long weekend while its poor parents have a little holiday.

That should do the trick!!

Parents come in sets of two. Each parent has 2 arms. This means that when you are by yourself you have enough arms to restrain two children. And with your partner, you can run after one each.

This tells me that the natural number of children for any one set of parents to have is two.

Don't mess with the natural order!

You might get twins for next pregnancy. I have three children and we had only planned two. It's really very hard at the mo. Ds1 is 5 in feb and twins are 3 in ten days. We have two boys and one girl and they all fight over everything and argue about who gets what and who sits on our laps. I cant hold all their hands when we walk to school which makes one of them cry every time. Bigger car bigger house bigger rooms etc on holiday blaa blaa. When one is out of the equation for whatever reason life is so much easier! Do love them to bits of course...

Oh. I have two and am also contemplating a third, but reading this is putting me off!

You sound like you have had a tough time.

I was stopping at 2. DS was 2 when DD was born at 28 weeks. Very poorly for the first 12 months. We nearly lost her twice.

I found out I was pregnant again when she was 3 months old. and . My third DC was born at 30 weeks as my scar wasn't holding. He was born 9 months after his sister.

I always imagined having two DC's and was happy with that. I wouldn't change it now though.

Here are some reason:

1. If you have 3, adults will be outnumbered by children.

2. My rule is: you have 2 hands, so have 2 children max.

3. The anxiety is a really serious reason. I had this after both mine were born and it continued for about 1yr in each case. As things stand, you can consign the anxiety to the past (for the most part).

4. I come from a family of 6. It is sooooo liberating to go somewhere and find that it is "set up" for a family of 4 (I have 2DC). Really petty stuff, but like a little car on a ride - usually takes 4 and we can all sit together. The number of times we got split up as kids for this kind of thing is huge!

After giving birth to my 3rd I nearly died...twice...due to bleeding (a lot)... both times my eldest DC came looking for me as I was upstairs both times.
Paramedics came and Docs told me I had been very lucky both times as I was nearly unconcsious the 2nd time. Had to have emergency op and blood transfusions.

With 3 you never have enough time to spend with them all separately so you feel guilty.

You end up with 2 whilst DH looks after the other one.

Everything is aimed at 2 adults and 2 kids, ie holidays.

Can't take them all swimming at the same time, only allowed to take 2 at the same time.

Nobody wants to babysit 3, but seem perfectly happy with 2.

Depending on ages, double pushchairs are a nightmare.

Having 2 with illness at same time is awful, but manageable just. Having 3 all vomiting and pooing at same time is hellish.

Unless they are all born very close together they never want to do the same things together.

Constant fighting which we don't seem to get when only 2 are together.

Could go on but really, how many reasons do you need?

PS...someone once told me that once you have 3 you may as well have 10 because the choas is set.

OMG accident that sounded awful. Was this you in Labour or after child birth?
Im glad it all went well but that scares me as I bled alot after my waters went with first.

Damn you are all good.

I have 3.
I went through all this before going ahead.

My anxiety in my 3rd pg and for the first 18mths of her life were horrendous. Mainly because I was convinced that I could not possibly be lucky enough to have 3 healthy kids. I was convinced she would either be ill or have some form of SN and I was terrified what impact this would have on our cosy family of 4.

Of course, if anything had been wrong we would have dealt with it as everyone in the situation does and loved her just as much. I'm sure the neurosis was far worse than the actuality would have been.

It is bloody hard work but personally, I found going from one to two far, far harder. In practical terms, the 3rd just slotted in there.

It's true that holidays are very geared towards 4. Being 5 means that 2/3 of the hotels in a brochure will not be available to you. Plus swimming, both at home and away is very stressful though I'm hoping now that DS is 7 and a competent swimmer that this will become less of a problem.

Two things made me go ahead. Firstly, and primarily, I couldn't shake the feeling that one more was needed to complete me/us as a family. It just felt right and I tried to imagine 10 or 15 yrs down the line when I would have three great, loving kids and even further along when they'd all come with their partners and kids to visit. Sounds like a naff film but Ive never had a big family and my kids have no cousins so siblings seemed more important.

The second reason will probably get me flamed but here goes. I grew up with a neighbour who lost one of her 3 children in an accident. On many occasions I heard her say how grateful she was that she had three as she was convinced that if she had been left with just one, she would have become obsessively protective and controlling. She wasn't at all suggesting that her hurt was any less because she still had two but her subsequent behaviour was different. Now, as a mother, I know exactly what she meant and knew that if anything so devastating ever happened to me and I had stopped at two, I'd never let the other go on school trips etc and that would be unfair.

That's not at all a reason to have a third but what she said obviously embedded itself in my psyche.

Good luck, it's not an easy decision. But I'm so glad I took it as she brings me such joy and I think, for us, we have the right balance and I feel complete.

(I know you wanted talked out of it but feel I've posted about the highs and lows)

OP in all honesty, no matter what anyone elses experiences are, good or bad, the decision can only be yours.
If you feel so strongly about a 3rd child, then do it, and be happy. But, you obviously have some doubts or you wouldn't have posted here.
Whichever decision you go with I hope you get, and I'm sure you will, great joy from your DCs. 1,2,3 10, whatever, they are all special.

To the OP, there are numerous practical reasons why you shouldn't have a third. But, there is no accounting for emotions, and they can be so powerful as to outweigh any logistical considerations. That said, your youngest is still very small, and you are only 34 FGS! I only started breeding at that age! What's the rush? Don't set deadlines for yourself that may only be in your head. At your age, I would not be rushing into a decision - leave the door open, let the thought sit there for a while, and come back to it (with your DP) in a few more months. At some point your thoughts will crystallise and you'll know what you want.

I do think that it's hard when you've had your last one though - whatever the number of DC you have, and whatever your reasons for stopping. It's like moving into a different phase of your life.

Hi sneakapeaks I have 3DCs and in all honesty I would stick with 2 for the time being. 3 is moving to an all together different level and I would agree that it even goes down to a seemingly unimportant number of factors such as car type or queuing up for rides. I do know a couple of families who have 6 DCs each, but it seems that the mom has no ability to return to work for quite some time, they never have holidays away and IMHO appear completely out of touch with the general real world, I guess they have other more important stuff to sort out

That said, it is of course entirely up to you and your DH