getting divorced, want to move, my husband says he will stop me.........

[ninjamummy]

Hi Everyone, really need some advice (without judging me please)

I had an affair after years and years of my husband working away from home for months on end, despite me begging him not to. It took its toll when we had our baby, and after a year of rearing our baby alone, my husband would refuse to come home more (even though he could at any point, he is self employed, we were comfortable so it was not for money either) i met a man who is everything i ever wanted.
I told my husband everything and we decided to get divorced but remain friends for sake of our son. My husband made me move out of our home cos i was now only working part time since having our baby, and could not afford to pay half mortgage. We have always pooled our cash and paid all bills from account and spent what was left.
I rented somewhere local to our home and my husband continued to work away (about 2 and a half hours drive away). To be fair, he manages to come back once a week and has our son from 10am to 6pm (his choice, i have made it clear he can have him whenever he wants). he has since rented out our house, and he has no other family in this area.
My new man wants me to move to scotland to live with him. He is a good man, has nice house, good decent family. It goes against all his morals to be involved with me cos i am a married woman until divorce is finalised, but he loves me and thats what it boils down to.
I am a lonely single mum living in a rented house and i really feel if we move to scotland, it would be in my sons best interests as well as mine, we can have a family life at last, and i would be so happy to be with a man that actually enjoys my company and loves me totally.
I would do everything i could to ensure my husband maintains his access to our son, meeting him half way, or collecting if he picks up etc.
My husband has no fixed address, he lives in a mobile home near his work place that his contract is with, not a suitable place for a child, and my husband agrees. Which is the reason why he doesnt have our son overnight just yet.
My husband is adament that i cant take our son to scotland, and if i try to, he says he will come and take him off me and fight me through every court.
I would be happy for husband to have him every weekend, or every other weekend, whatever he wants, as long as he has somewhere proper to have him.
At the moment, he picks up from my new house and takes him out for the day.
My new man wants my divorce finalised before i move, but i think getting all this sorted as part of divorce may save a lot of time, money and emotion?
Its a mess. can my husband stop me moving to scotland? Home for me and my son is cheshire, my husband lives and works in birmingham. But his job can take him anywhere in the world at a moments notice.
I am sick of being unhappy and want to grab this chance of happiness. Please help!
thank you x

When I split from my Ex and moved one hour away, it had a profound impact on our son who was 11mo at the time. I brought him to visit his dad every week yet it took him a while to settle down and his dad moved back here.

Your Ex has nowhere to take your child at the minute, so how is that going to work when you move away, is he going to get overnight access where he lives now?
Is he going to travel and stay with you and your new man to see his child?
Is access going to cease?

I lose the ability to spell on here, too!

I agree with all boo has said on figuring out your own life before rushing to move, but that's not what OP asked. She asked if it was a wise move from a parenting perspective. I think her DS has an equal chance of being happy and settled in either location, and it seems unclear that his contact with his father will be better or worse if OP moves to Scotland.

But, yes, that's a question for the solicitors.

Even the solicitors can't do alot it's a matter for the courts. Meaning more debt

"I think her DS has an equal chance of being happy and settled in either location,"

technically you are right, he is young, not yet in school etc. but if his mum isn't happy there he wont settle will he, and i honestly don't think OP's problems will be any smaller in scotland. there will just be different scenery, a long journey every weekend, and a big legal bill.

I agree Boo, the OP needs to really sort her problems out for her and her DS before making such a drastic move such as living with a new man or moving 3 hours away. Moving a child away from its dad and grandparents is a huge step and not one to be taken whilst in the middle of an emotional snowstorm.

I agree whith i love it, my ex wasnt overly interested when he thought he could sill come and go as he pleased and we were still under his control, it was all very easy for him. Once I advised him that I was not staying in the family home he took our daughter and threatened to keep her, despite never having been the main carer and not being in a postition to look after her full time, I was only planning on moving locally for a fresh start in a much smaller house. It was not originally my plan to move to Wales but Scottish law is very different and I had a lot less rights there by staying and felt very threatened and scared at the time. This seems to have been the jolt that my ex needed to become a good father, i just wish he had realised how important she was to him before it got to that stage. We have spent a lot of time in court this year, a lot of it very acrimoniously and all of it very hurtful and expensive and are only just at the talking stage. There is no trust between us and i am very cautious, he does however understand why i did what I did and agrees that our daughter is very happy. I was lucky that the judge granted me full residency immediately but I believe that this is unusual. Money is very tight, weekends and holidays are taken up with travel (as the parent who has taken the child away it is I believe your responsibility to pay for the travel etc when contact takes place), although this is not the case for me. You will need to formalise contact, probably through the courts and will probably in the future miss many special occasions and times with your son due to contact dates. This will be harder due to the distances involved so the contact will maybe be less frequent but for longer periods of time. My ex is spending his first christmas away from his daughter and it looks like he will not be able to take her to Scotland for the week after as per the court order due to the weather, this is not an ideal situation for either of them.
I am lucky that I have been granted every christmas with my daughter due to residency but will find it very hard to miss her birthday and mothers day with her next year as she is with her dad. If your new man really loves you, and you him the relationship will survive whilst you formalise contact with your ex and give him the opportunity to change things regarding his living accomodation and contact with his son - your son deserves this, this is about his future and not yours. I have a new relationship and he will not be meeting my daughter for some time yet, she is doing great given the changes over the last year but it is too soon to introduce a new male figure into her life. On a practical note i believe that you are entitled to stay in your family home with your son, despite being unable to pay half of the morgage but I'm sure someone legal knows more about these things

It could also be the start of a happy, longterm relationship with the new man and a settled life in Scotland. Frankly we don't really have enough info to know either way.

What do you think, OP? Probably happier in Scotland, or still miserable in a new location?

Op......how will you pay your courts fee's as well as solicitors?? Do you work? Assume you can't be on benefits as you have a new,working partner?

it could very well be trail, but does it have to be right now? can't they still have the relationship without uprooting the child and causing bad feeling?

the over-riding feeling I'm getting is that OP is doing this for the wrong reasons, that she just wants away. I'm just wondering what exactly there is in scotland to benefit her son, that isn't already there where he lives now. infact there is even less there for him than where he is now. he will have no family apart from his mum. who is this move to benefit really?

I think you should stay near to your ex really.

If it was a man that had had an affair and left and wanted to move to the other side of the country...it would be a different story.

Your new man has his own business and spends weekends in Manchester with his children, well you didn't like your ex working away, why would you like your new man being away?

What if, and I know you don't think it's likely that your new man doesn't enjoy living with you and your ds as much as he thought he would. You could really be stuck then.

In my opinion, as somebody whose dh works away a lot, it is the mother who facilitates the relationship between the dc and their father. I am happy to do so because the only reason my husband works as hard as he does is for us.

Stay where you are, he should move to be nearer his own children and you. I would expect this if I had ended my marriage for him.

One thing i havent said in any of my posts is how much my daughter misses her daddy, she loves being here and is settled well but cannot understand why daddy cant be here all of the time (he never was around all of the time) she has a great time with him and when she comes home is sometimes very upset and confused, he has become superdaddy who gives her his full attention when they are together. Sometimes she cries desperately for him and this breaks my heart that we have made this situation by our actions, she also misses me when she is with her daddy and cries for me, especially at night. She misses our old family home and the familiarity of her old surroundings, she is the innocent pary in all of this as is your son

I think you need legal advice. I also think you should ask your ex to go to formal mediation with you so you can talk all this through in a neutral, safe venue. Making draconian decisions and relying just on legal advice/courts is a fast route to suffering for all concerned - especially your child. I'm sure your DH has been hard work, he must be very hurt. I'm also sure he wasn't the husband you needed, and you're in love with this new guy. But if you can thrash out some sort of fortnightly full weekend arrangement, so he actually sees more of her, and you offer to do all the driving for a contribution for half the petrol costs, say, he may see you're trying to meet him half-way.

If you are paying half the mortgage on the marital home presumably you're getting half the rental income, too? And neither one of you can afford to live there? So I don't really see the problem with that tbh. I mean your DH isn't living in a nicer home than you, and is presumably paying child support.

I appreciate it's hard, but if you really want to move then you need to get your ex on side and make it so it can work for all three of you - most especially your child.

I totally understand how you want to move to be with the love of your life, I've done the same in the past. I don't regret it at all.

BUT, driving for 3 hours to take my dd to see her dad sucks! I basically give up a whole day to take her there and then pick her up and get no thanks from anyone and my ex is always rude when we arrive. It got even harder when I had kids with my new husband.

I think your ex would be able to stop you if he wanted to, but if you do go, bear in mind the disruption travelling frequently will have on your ds. not just now, but in the furture when he wants to do football on a sunday morning, or your future kids want to go to stuff and you have to say no because you need to drive the eldest to his dads.