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Original poster

getting divorced, want to move, my husband says he will stop me.........

66 replies

ninjamummy · 19/12/2010 20:36

Hi Everyone, really need some advice (without judging me please)

I had an affair after years and years of my husband working away from home for months on end, despite me begging him not to. It took its toll when we had our baby, and after a year of rearing our baby alone, my husband would refuse to come home more (even though he could at any point, he is self employed, we were comfortable so it was not for money either) i met a man who is everything i ever wanted.
I told my husband everything and we decided to get divorced but remain friends for sake of our son. My husband made me move out of our home cos i was now only working part time since having our baby, and could not afford to pay half mortgage. We have always pooled our cash and paid all bills from account and spent what was left.
I rented somewhere local to our home and my husband continued to work away (about 2 and a half hours drive away). To be fair, he manages to come back once a week and has our son from 10am to 6pm (his choice, i have made it clear he can have him whenever he wants). he has since rented out our house, and he has no other family in this area.
My new man wants me to move to scotland to live with him. He is a good man, has nice house, good decent family. It goes against all his morals to be involved with me cos i am a married woman until divorce is finalised, but he loves me and thats what it boils down to.
I am a lonely single mum living in a rented house and i really feel if we move to scotland, it would be in my sons best interests as well as mine, we can have a family life at last, and i would be so happy to be with a man that actually enjoys my company and loves me totally.
I would do everything i could to ensure my husband maintains his access to our son, meeting him half way, or collecting if he picks up etc.
My husband has no fixed address, he lives in a mobile home near his work place that his contract is with, not a suitable place for a child, and my husband agrees. Which is the reason why he doesnt have our son overnight just yet.
My husband is adament that i cant take our son to scotland, and if i try to, he says he will come and take him off me and fight me through every court.
I would be happy for husband to have him every weekend, or every other weekend, whatever he wants, as long as he has somewhere proper to have him.
At the moment, he picks up from my new house and takes him out for the day.
My new man wants my divorce finalised before i move, but i think getting all this sorted as part of divorce may save a lot of time, money and emotion?
Its a mess. can my husband stop me moving to scotland? Home for me and my son is cheshire, my husband lives and works in birmingham. But his job can take him anywhere in the world at a moments notice.
I am sick of being unhappy and want to grab this chance of happiness. Please help!
thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
ninjamummy · 19/12/2010 23:47

no it doesnt sound harsh proudmummy1, i appreciate your slant on things.
my new man doesnt expect me to move there, i want to, and he has made it known that i am welcome anytime.
do you mind me asking you what you did out of desparation? what was your situation? how did you sort it out with your ex?
x

OP posts:
wannabeglam · 19/12/2010 23:49

Well, why don't you see a solicitor and see where you stand legally.

You say you are head over heels, but if your husband lived nearby you'd stay in the area. I'm not sure what you mean there. Do you mean you'd give up the guy in Scotland?

Also, this guy in Scotland. His children are fairly near you. Don't you think it a bit odd that he too puts his work first? Think carefully, people have a habit for falling for the same type.

Original poster
ninjamummy · 19/12/2010 23:50

how can my husband apply for full residency when he has no fixed address and works 14 hour days??? i am upset and drained enough so iloveitwhenyoucallmeboo, please stop sticking the boot in. I appreciate advice, questions etc but you are not helping so please stop.

OP posts:

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mrsruffallo · 19/12/2010 23:51

If this new guy has such strong moral convictions why did he get involved with you in the first place?
I don't like the sound of it

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 19/12/2010 23:52

i typed out a big long post there but decided it was too harsh to post.

look OP what I'm saying is, your husband gets as much say in this as you. he is a parent the same as you are. you cannot just decide to go and tell him to like it or lump it.

and this new relationship, how new is it and do you really need to move? if his children are near you can't he visit you when he sees them? why rush into such an upheaval? it sounds like you just want to get away but at what cost and for what reasons? is this new man so appealing ecause he can give you a way out?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 19/12/2010 23:53

well it isn't hard to rent a 2 bed flat and if he is self employed he can reduce his hours no problem. don't discount it OP. if it was me i would do anything possible to keep my child with me. don't underestimate yoru husband.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 19/12/2010 23:54

this isn't sticking the boot in. this is just the truth that you don't want to hear. it is entirely possible that he can apply for residency to keep his child with him.

mrsruffallo · 19/12/2010 23:55

I agree, maybe you need to take your time, get by on your own a bit and work out a proper routine with your ds's dad, and enjoy seeing the new man before moving him with him.
You can still be happy, but not be dependent on the new relationship working out at the cost of everything else.

Original poster
ninjamummy · 19/12/2010 23:56

wannabeglam - intersting point i had not considered.
his work is long story, lived abroad for years, had his children there, split up, all moved back to uk, he went to his parents in scotland and she went to manchester to hers.
he started his business there and it took off so he felt could make better money staying put and has children every school holiday and some weekends they go to him or he goes to them.
no i couldnt go back with husband, i meant if husband moved to this area, i would not take son to scotland cos he would have made that commitment to our son by moving and i would not stand in way of that.
I have previously begged him to move nearer but he has refused.
i know new life in scotland will be hard, but feel life in general will be easier with my new man. he makes me happy and is good to me.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 19/12/2010 23:57

You are upside down, spin around in love? Good for you, but it seems this heady love is muddling your brain a bit. You are talking about moving away from your job and support network. Moving your child away from his father and grandparents. And all this less than a year after you separated from your husband.

Calm down. Create space to develop a relationship with yourself and your son. If your new man is the one, he will be patient and understand that you need to establish yourself away from your husband and establish a stable relationship with your child.

I understand that you feel dizzy with excitement over a man who is showing you affection after so long with a man who doesn't, but don't move while your head is so turned.

TrailMix · 19/12/2010 23:59

But if OP's DH was so keen to see as much as possible of his son, surely he would have moved near them? He lives 2 1/2 hours away by choice.

OP is not moving to Australia.

Original poster
ninjamummy · 20/12/2010 00:01

yes part of it is a way out of this mess.
i am miserable here. on my own. struggling with money for first time ever. husband took a lot of debt in my name and only discovered extent of it now!and life is not good.
nothing here for me.
husband sees ds for 8 hours a week.
so stay here and be miserable for 8 hours a week, or be happy with new man and ds can see his daddy for whole weekend.
no brainer

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 20/12/2010 00:01

trail it is surprising how interested a NRP can become once they are told they can't have things on their terms.

Truckulent · 20/12/2010 00:02

Why is the family home rented out?
I think you could do with proper legal advice.

Truckulent · 20/12/2010 00:04

Is your ex working all these hours and living in a mobile home to pay debts off?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 20/12/2010 00:05

well you will still have the debt in scotland and your misery is personal it isn't environmental. so if you have no friends where you are, what makes you think you will be any better at maintaining friendships elsewhere?

i think you are just taking the first door outta there and not really thinking about what teh problems actually are. I've been there. tehre was a time i would have jumped onto teh first flight to timbuktoo (or however it is spelt) if it got me away from my EX and court battles and all the shit that came with it. but you know what, it wouldn't have been the right thing to do.

GypsyMoth · 20/12/2010 00:07

You are moving away from what most people move tirades, when re locating after a split. Moving away from all support for a new life which you admit will be hard, won't look good in court

And you have even more against you as you will be moving OUT of jurisdiction. England and Wales are separate law wise to Scotland. So your husband wouldn't have to fight too hard to prevent this move

You have avoided my previous question, yet answered others. I ask again......what does your husband think about this??

GypsyMoth · 20/12/2010 00:08

Tirades?? Predictive text. Towards!!

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/12/2010 00:08

You can't simply move away from this mess. It will travel with you, albeit in a different guise. Stability for you and your DS is solely in your hands. If you stay and sort it out, then your head will be properly clear and then you will be in a much better position to decide your next move.

In less than two years you have become a mother, had an affair and separated from your husband. Your life is upside down and you need to put it right. Running away may seem attractive, but it's not a solution and may cause more problems in the long run.

TrailMix · 20/12/2010 00:09

Yes, of course her DH may suddenly "see the light" when faced with OP moving. But there's no need to make her feel she is sabotaging her son's relationship with his Daddy for considering a move to Scotland. She is not. He has chosen to live hours distant. She is committed to DH and DS having proper contact (indeed, more than they have at the moment).

OP needs legal advice.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 20/12/2010 00:09

you don't have to be living with a man to be happy. you really don't. you can love him and enjoy him and be close to him without actually living with him. let things settle. get to know yourself. you have come straight out of a loveless relationship and straight into a head over heels one. your emotions are bound to be all over the show. spend some time with just you and your ds. get to know yourself as an individual who creates her own happiness and can happily be alone for a whoel week without pining for a man. you don't want to be someone who is dependant on a man for your happiness do you?

if this man is the one, he will support you in this. he will want you to be teh best version of you that you can be not one who is running into his arms to escape a shitty relationship.

GypsyMoth · 20/12/2010 00:11

But your new partner won't even see you if you're travelling each weekend to promote contact!!

2 years in family court taught me that these promises of contact nearly always break down

He could very easily gain a PSO here

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 20/12/2010 00:12

i agree trail. legal advise will clear all this up and let OP know where she and her husband stand on this.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 20/12/2010 00:12

advice Blush

GypsyMoth · 20/12/2010 00:14

Your posts are all about money and how YOU will be better off op........exactly how will your son benefit here??( and courts will want the details)

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