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Parenting

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Original poster

Oh god, DD just gone somewhere very unsavoury on the internet

33 replies

ejunder · 18/12/2010 14:58

I walked in on very guilty looking 9 year old dd and her friend looking at something under her duvet. She immediately burst into tears and told me they had taken my laptop and typed lesbians into google. I don't have parental controls on my laptop as she and her brother are supposed to stick to the PC in the front room (for obvious reasons). So you can imagine what they've seen. I went through the history and I can only say I felt sickened. I'm pretty sure this is her first exposure into what 'sex' looks like and it's horrific - major pornographic stuff that they looked at. We talked about trust and safety but she was so upset I didn't go very hard on her. Having now had a chance to really look at what she's seen I'm really worried about how she might be processing it. She told me she didn't understand what she saw and she thought it was gross but I do think I should go back to her on this and explain about what is a healthy sexual relationship and what isn't. But I don't want to make it too adult and complex for her to handle. I'm just not sure about the best way to handle it per se. Also, I feel that I should let the parents of the friend know - is there an accepted etiquette on this sort of thing? Ugh - will be keeping my eyes on my own laptop from now on.

OP posts:

winnybella · 18/12/2010 15:02

I remeber at 8 I found a book with very explicit photos at my father's aquaintance's house. I was shocked and could believe adults would get up to stuff like that . However, I wasn't traumatised by it and the chances are your dd won't be either.

I guess I would mention it to the friend's parents.

ragged · 18/12/2010 18:49

My 9yo dd would do that.
I did catch 8yo DS browsing stuff like that.
I don't think any harm done, more upsetting to me than to him. I did talk a bit about it with him.
I used to browse my dad's playboy mags
Approaching the other child's parents will be tough, I would grovel in my apology.

Original poster

ejunder · 18/12/2010 18:58

so maybe I'm overreacting? The stuff they looked at was REALLY graphic though. Or maybe I've just led a really sheltered life. The two of them are bouncing around the house now doing fashion shows and making up dance routines so they don't seem scarred for life! Friend sleeping over so will have the the awkward conversation with parents tomorrow - gulp.

OP posts:

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 18/12/2010 19:04

I think you need to tell parents of other girl and agree you need to talk to her about it more in depth but pretty sure she wont be scarred for life. I remember finding porno mags in the woods as a kid and was just freaked out that it looked gross!

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/12/2010 19:06

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Original poster

ejunder · 18/12/2010 20:04

I don't think it was illegal but not exactly sure what is and isn't legal. I was shocked by what I saw but if I had to guess I'd say legal. We did talk about why they had searched for lesbians and what they were curious about and what would have been a more appropriate way to find out what they wanted to know but I think the reality is they did want to see something 'titillating' hence the sneaking off with my laptop. I think they just got a lot more than they bargained for!

OP posts:

fortyplus · 18/12/2010 20:09

Definitely tell the other child's parents. It's not uncommon for young children to see grasphic images, unfortunately, but they're unlikely to be traumatised by it any more than by seeing people on the loo - it falls into the same category of 'gross' in their eyes.

ScarlettWalking · 18/12/2010 20:10

Oh dear - presumably the friend has told her parents?

You say "horrific" - if what she saw was extremely disturbing it might well bug her for a bit and eventually hopefully it will just go over her head as she may not understand it.

Goblinchild · 18/12/2010 20:12

Sort your computer out so that your login is password protected as well.
I share my laptop with my DS.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 18/12/2010 20:18

Gah - I worry about my 9 y/o dd going to the houses of lax parents like you.

Goblinchild · 18/12/2010 20:21

Her daughter should have been old enough to trust though, she wasn't being lax.
I have a lot of 18 DVDs that I didn't want my children to watch until I thought they were ready, there are many that my DS still isn't allowed to watch. But I haven't got them in a locked cupboard.

ChippingIn · 18/12/2010 20:27

Oooops.

I think all I would say to her (again, when the friend has gone home) would be that when you google things like 'lesbian' you will get all kinds of things and that that is what some lesbians might enjoy - but not all, other will just like kissing and touching each other and being gentle, the same as when a man and a woman have sex, everyone has their own way they like it and that what she has seen isn't what being a lesbian means - then explain what it does mean. It's the relationship - not the sex.

You also need to let her know she can ask you anything, but you also need to accept it's a pretty normal part of growing up! My friends brother unknowingly kept us in good supply of playboy/penthouse etc

You do need to tell the other parents, but I would just say that you are sorry, both of the girls took your laptop without your permission and googled - that it's not 'child protected' because they know they aren't allowed to use it. Tell them they googled 'Lesbian' and saw some images. Don't get drawn into what/how awful etc because your reaction is only yours and may make it seem much worse than it actually is.

At 9 - if it was my daughter, I would be cross with her (for taking your laptop) not at you for what she had seen - I hope they feel the same.

Let us know how it goes.

ChippingIn · 18/12/2010 20:30

bibbity - if you are worried about your child in that situation, you need to address the fact that they were in the wrong taking the laptop, not the OP on not having her personal, not for childrens use laptop not locked up in her own home.

If your DD snuck into their drinks cabinet and drank alcohol would you blame the parents or your 9 year old who should know better?

It wont hurt the kids at all. Most of us were curious at that age and managed to find something to look at to satisfy that curiosity!

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/12/2010 20:30

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ChippingIn · 18/12/2010 20:31

That sounds like I'd be happy to hand out porno DVD's at school - LOL - I'm not, I just don't think two 9 year old girls googling 'lesbian' is that unusual or will scar them for life - it really wont.

NemoTheRedNosedFish · 18/12/2010 20:39

ChippingIn have you got Anal Angels 3? I'll give you it back on Thursday, honest.

How far do you trust a 9 year old though? Not to talk to strangers? Not to google the word lesbian? Of course they will - They're 9! If your dc have internet access and are under say around 16 - 18, they really really should have parental controls on. Also they need to be as savvy as is age appropriate about images available on the net and the risk posed on chat sites etc.

To just 'trust' them is lax I think, sorry.

And I can't believe how many parents are surprised when they catch their dc out!

Original poster

ejunder · 18/12/2010 20:53

Thanks for your comments - I agree that I ought to be able to trust her not to grab the laptop when she's very clear on the rules around this. I'm not beating myself up about it. I have plenty of better things to play the guilt game about

ChippingIn - I was struggling with how to talk to her about what a distorted view she'd seen of what sex/lesbianism is in a way that wasn't too adult or too explicit so thanks for your comment - really helpful.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 18/12/2010 20:57

I wouldn't trust them on a PC they were supposed to have access to, but I do expect mine to be trustworthy around stuff that doesn't belong to them. Like having a pot in the kitchen full of pound coins for dipping into in an emergency, I don't expect them to help themselves.
The drawer with my 18 DVDs in is boobytrapped, it's never been triggered.

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/12/2010 20:57

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NemoTheRedNosedFish · 18/12/2010 21:44

Ah yes didn't spot that dc are only supposed to use pc in living room

double illicitness!

Starting to wonder if I am very very cynical when it comes to 9 year olds, Pixie!

ChippingIn · 18/12/2010 21:45

Nemo - I'm that naive I had to read your Anal Angel comment 4 times - I though you were asking if I had an 'anal' angel aged 3

I would expect them to google 'lesbian' 'dick' 'fuck' and any of the other words us oldies used the dictionary to look up! Which is why the OP has parental control over the main computer.

I would trust them not to use my laptop without my permission. Basic respect/trust. Which is why the OP didn't have parental controls on her laptop.

So, no I don't agree she's lax.

homeboys · 19/12/2010 12:46

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StuffingGoldBrass · 19/12/2010 12:51

It won;t harm her unless you make a massive, massive big deal out of it. It's not a big deal - sure, 9 year olds don't need to see lesbian porn, but a little talk as others have said, about sexual relationships and people liking different things and it being nothing to worry about is all you need.

THough yes, you'd better tell the parents of the other girl but on the lines of 'The DC got at my own laptop, which they should not have done, they saw some rude stuff, you might want to have a little word with your DD' but don't to into detail about what they saw as it doesn't really matter.
('SO, DD, was it wax play? Buttplugs? What, exactly?')

NemoTheRedNosedFish · 19/12/2010 14:10

Perhaps I have a different view of things as ever since I can remember getting my hands on a dictionary, penis and vagina were always the first things I looked up...

NemoTheRedNosedFish · 19/12/2010 14:11

ChippingIn - Eeeeeew!

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