HVs and DMum say we need a routine, what do I do?

[FingonTheValiantReindeer]

DS is 9 weeks. He doesn't like being put down very much, although when fed, dry, warm and not too tired he's fine for a while. He's OK in his bouncy chair, but I worry about him being in it for too long.

We started out co-sleeping, then we started putting him in his Amby hammock, but he only goes in if he's already really asleep. And he only falls asleep on us, best on DH. We're back to co-sleeping again as he sleeps for longer if he's in with us.

Anyway, the HVs and Mum are saying that he needs a routine, and that he should be able to self-settle when we put him in his hammock (at the mo he stays with us in the living room until we got to bed and/or he's asleep). They also say that we need to put him in his hammock early in the evening 7/8ish and not have him with us til 11 as we currently do. TBH the reason we're up so late is because I prefer to feed him late and then get to sleep til 3ish, rather than be woken twice after I've gone to bed which is what happened before.

Despite the insistence on a routine they haven't told me how to do it, and I don't have any books with instructions for that. Can anyone help with ideas for what I should do please?

Also, the HVs told me off for pinking him up when he cries and said that he's manipulating me. Apparently I have to teach him to cope on his own and not give in to him, that way he'll learn to self-settle etc. This seems pretty harsh to me for a 9 week old, is it right? Will I have to do it to have a routine?

Thanks so much in advance, and sorry for the long OP.

Moonunit

Fingon - really pleased that you've managed to get back to EBF as that was what you wanted :)

Sounds like you've got loads of really good advice.

As a first time mum with a now 16mo, I 'learnt' early on to do what I was happy with. I didn't like hearing DD in distress and would comfort her, I also BF her on demand despite comments from well-meaning relatives. She slept in with us when it was clear we would all sleep better with this arrangement and went to her cot when she was ready. We've been doing some gentle sleep training since she was about 12mo to help her self-settle and consequently sleep through. We don't leave her to cry for extended periods even now - but I've got much better at discerning grumbles from actual 'mummy, I have a problem' crying

Admittedly on occasion it's not always possible to get to her immediately and she has been left crying (with comfort from others just not me or DH). These things couldn't be helped but we have a beautifully adjusted toddler who's happy, chatty and quickly settles in with new people.

Snuggle down with your little baby, smile and ignore the comments and do what you're comfortable with. And congratulations on your new baby.

If it works for you OP then why change it? You do kind of have a routine anyway!

My DS is 9 weeks too and we don't really have a routine other than him going to bed somewhere between 10-11pm. He can generally settle himself but if he is overtired then de does cry a bit. I have to say - and please tell me if I'm doing the wrong thing! - that if I know that he is tired, fed, clean etc then I leave him to cry for 10 mins to see if he settles and he pretty much always does. Any longer than 10 or 15 mins and I go and get him.

it is your baby, not HV and DMum's so you raise your child the way you want ...

We have never done the routine thing, but more something what some people call attachment parenting (co-sleeping, picking up when unhappy etc), it is a matter of choice and what works for you and your family.

There is not one right or wrong way!

Gosh is your HV about 97 years old????

excuse the one handed typing i have a manipulative 12 week old on me

ffs that hv is ridiculous. go with your instincts.

dd was up until 1am until about 6 weeks, 11 until about 9 weeks and now usually goes down at 7 ish or so.

babies cry for many reasons, one of them being that they need held and soothed and cuddled and just, loved.

Please, just enjoy your baby, they grow up too quickly, if your baby is happy thats all that matters

both of mine settled into bit of a routine around 12weeks. we kept ds1 up with us in the lounge till we went to bed - i miss those laid back, no routine days! he slept with all the lights on, movies on surround sound and has always been a pretty laid back, easy boy. friends would comment when our baby's got older that he was so happy to sleep where ever and whenever he needed when they had to get home to get theirs in the cot with blinds closed and door shut by a certain time.

we found 5months was a good time with both our boys to get stricter on bedtime routines and start encouraging them to self settle with a comforter. by doing everything on demand up till then we were all much happier. the more i tried to get into a routine before 5months the more unsettled and grizzly they would get.

Thanks so much everyone :)

We're going to keep going as we are and "ignore, ignore, ignore" is going to become my new mantra!

:o

Your HV is talking complete bollox. She sounds very very behind all current thinking and could probably do with some re-training. My HV told me that all the best new research shows that babies who are picked up more often in the 1st 6m cry less in the next 6m, as they feel very secure and know that if they cry someone will come and reassure them. 9 weeks is so little, you can't cuddle them too often!

Oh dear, the idiot HV strikes again. Ignore: a 9 week old cannot manipulate.

FWIW, however, we are very gently doing a routine of sorts with our 5 week old DD2, but that's really for the sake of DD1. There was no way she was getting ready for or going to bed while DD2 was enjoying cuddles downstairs and not being shoe-horned into sleepwear. DD1 is 3.2. So DD2 "goes to bed" 5 minutes before DD2: DD1 watches a couple of Peppa Pigs while1DD2 has a wiggle in her cot under the mobile. Last couple of nights she's drifted off to sleep. And the seething jealousy that DD1 was displaying is beginning to dissipate. It's the best thing for our family, so my take is if we are happy, then our care of DD2 will be happy and relaxed, and she will then be happy.

But fgs please don't take to heart what your HV has said. There are some great HVs around, but there are some frankly crazy ones out there.

My HV told me when DS was about the same age that when I was trying to settle him in his basket, I shouldn't pick him up when he started crying as this was only unsettling him more. At that point i thought, oh ok fixed grin and get her out of the door asap!

Having not done that, but co-slept when necessary and not forced the issue, now at 15 weeks he sleeps all night in his basket and goes back down easily after feeds etc.

I think at about 10 weeks we stopped doing what you do as we noticed he consistently slept from about 7.30/8 till 11/11.30, so we started putting him upstairs then. It's nice to have some couple time again, but DH has admitted he really misses the long sleep cuddle he used to have with ds asleep on his chest for 2 or 3 hours!

A routine at this age is about doing what works for you so you get the sleep you need, baby gets sleep and milk and you are all well and happy.

Never heard such claptrap in my life. How dare an HV be so dictatorial about routine. Only trouble I had with routine was because HV's didn't show up on time and wouldn't make clinic appointments.

You're doing what work for you - take no notice. Just tell them what they want to hear which is usually "he settles at 7pm and I feed him before I go to bed at 11pm and then he sleeps again until 4am and we all get up like bright little daisies at 7am.