Playful Parenting! Did it help you?

[APixieInMyTea]

I've just downloaded this to the iPad on a few recommendations, I'm only just on the 2nd chapter and I'm quite impressed.

Thought maybe we can talk here about the book, did you find it useful, did it change the way you 'play' with your children?

Just from reading the first chapter, I already understand a lot more about my toddler's behaviour (good and bad) and looking forward to reading the rest.

like the fairies in the mouth!

any suggestions for a fun approach with toddlers when new baby arrives?

Hopefully..! Our third is due in a month!

Have done lots of pretending to be babies, and how they used to cry as soon as I left them for a second and then I'd rush back to cuddle them... they feed the baby chocolate via me (winner!! )... they wonder what the baby is doing in my 'tummy' - ds reckons driving diggers ... and we have played lots with his baby doll making it burp after milk and laughing about burping baby...

Dd was lovely when ds arrived and always wanted me to cuddle him when he cried. We'll see how ds is...

When are you due?

Well I've had the day from hell. (See how to get ds1 to nap longer thread below)

I didn't really prepare ds1 for ds2 as such. Just taught him that he had to be gentle with mummy's tummy as his baby brother was in there. Eventually he just started sitting next to me and stroking my belly while watching tv.

He's not actually been that bad. Alway's giving him hugs and kisses. Helping by bringing nappies and wipes etc. We all sit on sofa and have cuddles/read a book whilst I'm BF ds2 so ds1 doesn't feel too left out.

Today though.... He went to give his ds2 a cuddle, ds2 got his fingers caught in ds1's hair and tugged at his hair as ds1 pulled away. I ran over to untangle them and once free ds1 promply slapped ds2 around the head.

I'm afraid to say the "Playful Parenting" approach kind of flew out of the window as I was already at the end of my teather by that point.

Ds1 went to bed early and tomorrow we're going to start all over again with great big smiles on our faces... hopefully....

WTF is wrong with my spelling tonight??

Doesn't sound too bad, Pixie, something in the water today. My two were completely crazy pulling each other around! (though it could have been the after eights...)

It's ok to be cross with them sometimes I think. And to be cross at violence appropriate I think too.

Nobody can be perfect all the time... yes, let's start again tomorrow!

Hi all, I've read most of this book recently, and just wanted to add a comment to say how fantastic it is. DS didn't really have any major issues, other than the usual 2.5 year old things of the occasional meltdown etc, but this had been getting more and more frequent, we'd started using 'time out' and seemed to be having to use it more frequently, and I just felt like there was something missing in my connection with DS. This is despite being very close and loving. But I was aware of how I was struggling to really play with him, on his level, and on his own terms.

This book is just excellent and giving you endless ideas about how to really truly connect emotionally with your child, how to help them work through difficult emotions, and how to have a more peaceful household. Since reading this book, or starting to read it 2 weeks ago, we've not had to use time out once. And that is saying something! I feel a lot calmer, DS is loads happier, I feel a deeper bond with him, and he just generally seems more contented. I haven't had to raise my voice at him, even. And I'm not saying I'm perfect at this - it takes a lot of learning and patience, even if you think you're doing an ok job already (I did!).

For those of you with specific questions, e.g. about tooth brushing, I'd suggest just reading the book as you kind of need to just get your head around the whole ethos. Applying a 'technique' to one particular problem is not likely to help if you don't really understand why that problem occurred in the first place. I think reading this book helped me to look back over previous difficult times and realise what went wrong - but the good thing is, is that the author didn't make me feel guilty about this!

It's very cheap on Amazon anyway! And very easy to read.

Adair I'm due in 6 weeks and my kids are 2 and 8. My eldest was managed wonderfully when number 2 arrived (we spent alot of time laughing at baby expressions and the eldest was able to tell me when she needed more attention). This time round I'm a bit worried about my middle child. I've now got the moses basket out in the lounge and we have been playing on and off with a plastic baby. Also had a real laugh trying to sort through baby outfits today - we all tried on baby clothes on all the wrong parts of the body.

I must agree that since reading this book we have rarely used timeout - it's just not been needed. We get up in the mornings and just really enjoy the day together. My once grumpy son is grumpy no more and if he is ever upset we do alot more holding/cuddling.

I also agree it's really hard to be a playful parent sometimes. I struggle when lacking in sleep.

Sorry, don't have much to add, I will come back to this thread later when I eventually finish the book! I just wanted to say be careful those of you who are using the competition thing. It's something I read in Siblings Without Rivalry (similar type of approach - same authors as "How To Talk...") but competition between siblings can backfire and cause resentment. It's probably okay with a toddler + baby though (where the baby is too little to really play) or between child + parent. The alternative is to set a timer and see who can beat the clock, rather than setting them against each other.

I'm sure I read on here years ago about a mumsnetter who used to get the cat tucked under her arm and the cat would 'clean' the dc's teeth. Now that's commitment! We just used a puppet!

Poor cat ha ha!!

I think in the book he gives a good description of a child refusing to have their nails cut. I can't find whereabouts it is though. But basically, he described this issue (and I'm guessing this applies to tooth-brushing issues too) as being one of a power imbalance. You have to create a setting in which your child feels that they are in control of the toothbrushing. He suggests playing around with this notion by approaching and backing away, e.g. by negotiating just to brush one tooth, and then stopping as soon as the child says 'Stop!' and backing away, then negotiating coming closer, backing away, closer, backing away etc etc... perhaps not even actually brushing any teeth initially. The purpose of this is to enable your child to feel that they are in control of the situation, and that you are not going to force them to do anything that they don't want to do. So by stopping when they ask you to stop, you are building up trust (or rebuilding it if you've had a tussle over this in the past).

This scenario needs to be played out like a game, with no pressure, no coercion, etc. It sounds time consuming - and it probably will be initially. But after two or three attempts at this game, your child will probably feel more relaxed about the whole thing, will trust you more, and will have clean teeth!

Using puppets, letting them brush your teeth as well, is also a good idea.

Also, reversing roles can be really helpful. Say you have really grimy teeth, you really need to brush them, but don't know how to, and you really don't want to. The aim here is to get them to help you, but you have to really exaggerate resisting them, flail around in feigned agony (but make it obvious you're playing!) - this is likely to get them to adopt the role of encouraging you, comforting you, and also perhaps acting out some of their fears around toothbrushing. E.g. if they respond to your feigned fear by being forceful, let them do it, and really act our the fear, let them see you know it's been scary for them - this is one of the fundamental elements of playful parenting. By observing you being scared, it helps them to process their fear.

Hope that makes sense. My description is a weak version of what you'd find in the book though, but hope it helps!

I'm starting right back at the beginning since I started this thread, what with Christmas being so overwhelming and late nights and lots of people around, being ill with a throat infection and now refusing to swallow any food, my toddler has turned into a complete horror.

New year, new start so I'm going to start reading the book from the beginning and really really make a conscious effort to be a more playful parent because right now I'm not feeling very playful at all which is obviously not helping the way my toddler feels about things.

Onwards and upwards as they say.

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time! Sounds like a nightmare with your little one refusing to eat! Poor thing must be very hungry, and must have had a terribly sore throat! What have you tried so far? Are you having any positive play time together at the moment? Are you feeling connected?

I wasn't a huge fan of this book, but had nothing against it either. I suppose my approach to parenting is quite traditional, but I read it out of curiosity.

I think I'd find a lot of it quite difficult to implement if in a hurry (and I often am - eg, if DD2 doesn't want her nappy changed, doing it despite her protestations is quicker than making it fun).

If one of my older two forgets their manners, I'd rather ignore the request until they ask politely.

Someone also mentioned earlier something about children knowing they're being tricked - DD1 is definitely like that (but DS most likely not)!

However, if I want them to do chores, I do try to make it fun/a game, but I always did that anyway.

Heathcliff I don't think the book is about making everything playful. Some of the 'games' or ideas aren't even fun - they are about encouraging your child to process difficult emotions. It's just about learning to really connect with your child. There are lots of ways to do this and the ideas in this book aren't the only ways in the world.

And as for a playful approach being more time consuming, it can be initially, and a lot more demanding on the parent/s as well, because you have to be much more creative and imaginative, which can be difficult especially when you're rushed and tired. But overall it's not more time consuming, as you're not spending agonising hours bargaining and intimidating your child into behaving properly. It's also a much less stressful way to parent - for the parent and the child. The ethos is about truly connecting with your child which means there is plenty of trust in the relationship, and less need for arguments and frustrations.

From an attachment perspective it is important as well, as the quality of your relationship can be improved. This is an excellent way to ensure your child is emotionally healthy throughout their entire lives, not just childhood.

I love this book - it really helps with emotional connection.

I can understand and empathise with kids more easily, and can see the benefits of playing with them in the way the book lays out. I am no longer particularly frustrated by my child's desire for repetitive games for example, becasuse I now understand and appreciate how they are of value.

Play is the language of kids and if you want to communicate about difficult subjects with your children then you need to speak their language. So if you want to know what is really bothering them then asking them just doesn't cut it - but if you play with them in the way the book suggests then you will find out very quickly what is going on.

People often express a desire for a manual to come with their child - in my opinion, this is it.

It's quite simply the best parenting book i have ever read - I would say it is essential reading and have given several copies to friends and family.

Ovumahead, I just didn't particularly like it.

I have nothing against others using it - I was just answering the original question in the negative.

I think, like everything, 'tis different strokes for different folks.

I'm currently reading Toddler Taming, which has a slightly more traditional approach, but many of the ideas are very useful and it definitely offers valuable insights into what makes toddlers tick and suggests lots of solutions to the most common problems.

That said, I'm looking forward to Playful Parenting as a good companion read with a lot more creative solutions and suggestions on offer.

Then I'll experiment and see which techniques suit me and my DD best. I suspect it'll be a mixture of both.

Like everything, you have to pick out the bits you want and discard those you don't.

Yes, definitely horses for courses, or whatever the saying is. There are so many parenting books around, all containing gazillions of different ideas, it's quite an overwhelming field. But having read a few parenting books, I feel this one is the most helpful, least prescriptive, and has had instant noticeable benefits. I just think it's a shame about the title, since it seems to give people the impression that turning anything in to a game should make things better. That kind of approach is more coercive, and misleading.

I used to work in a child and adolescent mental health team, and toddler taming was a book we often recommended to stressed out parents of toddlers - it's very simple, easy to read, and reassuring. Good practical advice.

ovumahead what do you think would be a better title? I think the book is primarily about improving the emotional well being of the child using play as a mechanism. I can't think of a snappy title though!

ovumahead Do you mean eating wise or 'playful parenting' wise?

His behaviour, as you can imagine, has become awful. Partly due to hunger, partly due to illness and partly due to being, well, a toddler.

We've just been sort of ignoring the bad behaviour or letting him get away with it because he's been ill but really doesn't make it better does it.

We've been trying to get food into him, starting off with soup, mushed Wheetabix etc and slowly he's getting better. He isn't completely refusing to eat. He really does want to but he puts the food in his mouth, chews it then is afraid to swallow so holds it in his mouth until he can spit it out. He's getting slightly better. Got a little bit of roast dinner in him tonight although he wouldn't swallow the meat.

I have definately lost connection with him but as I say I'm really going to try get that back because he's such a gorgeous little boy and I feel awful not being connected with him and getting angry with him.

It makes it twice has hard as he still doesn't talk yet so he gets frustrated not being able to tell me what he wants/needs.

On a more positive note, he's come up with a good game himself. At bedtime I lift him up so he can turn his bedroom light off then he tries to get as many kisses in as possible before I lie him in bed. He then hides his face and pushes blankie towards me for a kiss then as I start walking out of the room he uncovers his head, goes ahhhhhhhh and I run back and give him another big kiss. He laughs, I laugh and he goes straight to sleep.

I'm hoping for many more experiences like this because it's just so damn lovely.

I have just read it and found it helpful. I did silly play with the DCs when they were preschoolers and have realised that I don't join in that much at all now they are bigger. I am naturally quite a serious person so I have to make an effort to do this but they love it. And if you can put aside your adult concerns for a while, it is a good break.

The thing that struck a chord for me in this book was playing whatever your children want to do at that moment, following their lead. For example DD could play dolls and soft toys forever. On days when I felt too tired to play that kind of game (which I find dull) I would say 'I'll play with you, but only a board/card game' (which I can always sum up energy for). My logic was: this is still time together but I get to rest as well. After reading the book, I understand that my imposing restrictions on the type of game meant her needs were not getting fulfilled which is perhaps why she is being extremely demanding of my time and attention at the moment. It's too early to say whether being enthusiastic about whatever she chooses is making a difference yet but fingers crossed.

Otherside the example you give of finding playing with dolls boring is exactly the example that the author gives in the book too - might be worth finding that bit and seeing how he managed to deal with it - he definitely played dolls, but did something (I can't remember what!) to make it manageable. Good luck!

Fatty I can't think of a better title! I think 'Playful parenting' does sum up the approach, but is perhaps slightly misleading. Another title might be misleading, but in another way. I must admit the 'playful' element is what drew me towards the book in the first place, so I think it's probably serving its function well enough. I just hope people read enough of the book to see it's not only about playing fun games, but also about engaging with your child to help them process difficult experiences.

aPixie I'm sorry I don't know what comment of mine your question is referring to! Just wondering if you've tried playing with dolls/teddies/other characters to work through his issues around eating? E.g. having one of his teddies pretend to not want to eat food. Or even, getting one of his toys to talk to him and ask him about what's going on - strangely, even though my son can clearly see I'm doing the talking, he will jabber away at his teddies with me sitting right there, and tell them loads of things, but if I ask him directly, he just won't speak.

Also, you could try reversing the roles, and get him to feed you, whilst you pretend that you really really don't want to eat, or that you're really scared of swallowing, or of being in pain, or whatever seems right at the time - this can be a good way of testing your hypotheses about what you think is going on for him. Let him feed you and reassure you. The idea behind this kind of role reversal, and of you not modelling the kind of behaviour you want to see, but exaggerating their own behaviour, is that they feel more understood and as though they are not alone in their difficulties. You will probably gain lots of insights into what's going on for him. And by putting him in the position of 'feeder' (the more powerful role) you will enable him to come up with his own ways of overcoming this problem... of course it doesn't always go according to plan, but it's worth a try!

What a lovely helpful thread.

I went in search of book reviews for Playful Parenting as I have been so busy recently, I've really let things slide at home and I needed a kick up the bum. Sounds like this book will help.

Just a couple of questions though:

Ds's are almost 4 and 6. Is this book still going to be helpful or is it more for toddlers.

And how do other people react if you respond to defiant dc with playfulness. Supernanny has made the whole world believe that the naughty step is the only way.