Being a relaxed parent ... your views on whether I need to loosen up needed please!

[ShiningWit]

took ds(3yo) to a friend's house for tea yesterday. She and I are great friends but at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to tolerance of mess and tidiness (me = v tidy, her = not at all!).

Anyway friend was upstairs with their baby, her DH was downstairs with us when their 3yo DD decided she wanted to do some drawing with new glue glitter pens. This was just before tea. 3yo got out a roll of Xmas wrapping paper, spread it on the floor, did mucho sticky glue penning and glittering on the plain side, when finished picked the roll of paper up and all the loose glitter went all over the floor. Her DH didn't bat an eyelid, nor did friend when she reappeared.

I know that if ds had tried to do any of this:

• messy play just before tea
• using xmas wrapping paper for drawing on
• wafting glitter over the floor

I would have just said NO.

Am I too uptight and tidy, or do you think it just comes down to your own personal standards and trying to allow more mess and cchaos when that's not in your character would ultimately be more stressful.

For the record, ds was busy with somehting else and not interested in what his friend was doing.

that would give me a heart attack, but I am too uptight, I really struggle to do baking and things, I have a friend like you said, when we used to do baking she would do the messy stuff with the kids and I would follow them round cleaning up. messy play is so hard if like me you feel agitated when anything is a mess, I would say suck it up and let them if you can but I dont often as I just end up getting angry with the kids which is really not fair.

I don't personally see any problem. If one of my friends got uptight about messy play before tea, I'd just laugh and tease them. Life is far too short and I don't understand how people can bring themselves to care about something so trivial. Surely you just get out the hoover, wash the hands and it's all gone in 5 mins?

However, you're right that it all depends on your own personality. Mess is stressful for some and routine for others.

For me, having a rigid schedule and tons of rules about things that don't fundamentally matter (i.e. no one is going to die or be hurt if you do them or not) is immensely stressful.

If you're inclined heavily one way or the other, I don't think you can change yourself.

I probably wouldnt have let my DC do this right before tea, but the messiness wouldnt have bothered me.

Diff folks = diff strokes. I wouldn't worry about it. Neither of you are 'right' or 'wrong'.

I would also have heart failure but am also a bit of a PITA when it comes to messy sticky glittery stuff that hangs around forever. DS is only allowed to do painting outdoors (but we're in Australia so it's not as harsh as it sounds) - he's got his drawing board/desk set up at all times so he can do drawings with pencils, crayons and felt tips but I get a bit cross if he gets felt tip anywhere other than on the paper (he is just turned 3 as well).

We do baking together and I can't quite bring myself to let him drop the biscuit mix onto the baking tray, because they need to be spaced just so, to fit them all on.

I actively itch when he's doing craftwork and gets things where they "shouldn't be", or misses the paper.

I don't think you loosening up would achieve anything except extreme agitation of your soul, tbh. I would have fidgeted like mad at your friend's house as well, and I am not a particularly tidy person, I just don't like stuff that isn't easy to tidy away.

wrapping paper is probably cheaper than art paper

it keeps them occupied whilst you get on with tea.

It can all be hoovered up in seconds.

Can't see why it's such a problem

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest - glitter hoovers up after all and they are obviously not that hungry if they want to do that.

I prob wouldn't have let them start something like that just before tea, and I wouldn't have liked them using the christmas paper for drawing on, but don't mind stuff all over the floor, etc. I think it's more the waste aspect that would bother me, not the mess.

IME small children can't help making a mess with craft activities but if they do this type of thing a lot they seem to become more careful.

Why is it being just before tea a problem?

(messy person here but not sure whether that's relevant)

sticky glitter pens stuff can't be hoovered up in seconds. Normal glitter can, I don't mind that so much.

glitter does not Hoover up in seconds. it hangs around for months and months , sparkling just when you've forgotten all about it.

Scouser, yes, the thing with the wrapping paper would have got me because of the wastage too.

I make DS draw on both sides of his paper...

The only thing that would bother me is if I'd bought the wrapping paper for a specific purpose but if I had I would have just swapped for some scrap paper.

Like Bertie I'm not sure why the tea time bit is relevant.

I would feel a bit sorry for your DCs if they were never allowed to have fun making a mess.

Re. the tea, it's just that if they are hungry they will prob play for 5 minutes then stop, whereas if they were given the glitter at another time it might keep them busy for a lot longer Depends on the child really.

• messy play just before tea: it wouldn't have bothered me
• using xmas wrapping paper for drawing on: it wouldn't have bothered me, but I have to say that I keep it hidden away
• wafting glitter over the floor: it would have bothered me.

I'm OK with messy play if it's done on the table. I do feel some itching when the children draw etc on the floor.

I didn't enjoy baking with my dc when they were little, but it is lovely now.

I also let them pretend to clean the bathroom, they are actually quite good!

not the sort of thing i would be bothered by - although i'd have them in a kitchen doing their arty things with no soft furnishing to glitter-coat for all eternity.

i was thiking about giving them some wrapping paper as they like the patterns..but would have swapped if it was some i wanted to use.

In response to OP - not read other posts:

I would have tried to discourage such an activity if I was about to dish dinner up.

Xmas wrapping to draw on really wouldn't register on my radar as a prob unless it was what I had specifically bought for this year.

Wafting glitter oever the floor, not an issues as it would simply go up the hoover in a couple of seconds - no biggie.

My house is clean and usually very tidy, but kids are kids only once.

If I sweat the small stuff I would have been commited by now. :o

If it was glitter gluing onto the walls or actual floor I would have gone bananas n' nuts though.

I don't think my attitude towards this particular question makes me a relaxed parent though as I think this is terribly minor, but most people I know say they wish they could be as relaxed as I am with my kids.

I would feel the same as you

I don't care how much mess they make when the art stuff is out, but it comes out when I am ready to deal with it (most days, just not right before dinner) and they are not allowed free reign on wrapping paper/glitter (they are allowed both and go through LOADS of it, it's just not accessible to them without my help :) ).

Also it's done at the table on the hard floor, not on the carpet.

I have friends like your friends though and it makes me twitch - in some ways I would like to be more like them, but at the same time I couldn't cope living in the utter chaos they live in . (As per the tidy houses thread though, I am happy at their house, love being there and just move the crap to sit down/put the kettle on!!).

I wouldn't be fussed by any of this, tbh. I don't let DD do messy things just before tea when it's only her and me because it's just too stressful trying to cook and help with glitter or whatever at the same time. But if my DH was there too, then no problem. To be honest, our house is often covered in a fine layer of glitter but at least it's pretty mess rather than horrible sticky mess!

Love messy play anytime but prefer it on a table really. They help clear up too.

I am very chilled, don't see mess, don't care about mess, kids pretty much do what they like

but glitter glue pens are the spawn of the devil and were banned lol

they are so sticky, and when it hardens, it's like cement. I seriously contemplated keeping one to fix some of the broken furniture.

have been out all day, thanks all for your opinions.

just to say that it wasn't remotely a problem for me that this was being done by my friend's DD in her house. and I definitely don't think that their way is wrong, just that I caught myself thinking OMG and wanted to take a step back and think about my attitude to mess and whether I should loosen up a bit, or whether that's a bit impossible to do without making myself actually more stressed about the mess.

I am absolutely there with the posters who mention itching to do things right or properly or not messily.

Will mull it over and think about how I can let ds cause more chaos without me being more stressed. I do let him jump all over the furniture, which a lot of my friends positively forbid!

Cleanliness is godliness!

Jump on furniture