Teenagers and 'doing things as a family'

[Ormirian]

How much do you expect your teenagers to join in with things they don't want to do? When mine were tiny they'd be happy to go to the bathroom and watch mummy have a pee! Now my 13 yr old rarely wants to go anywhere with us, his 11yr old sister is going the same way. We have a 7yr old who still wants to be with us whatever we do. I don't really care that much. I was forced to do things all the time when I was a teen - if I didn't, mother would start up her 'oh but we never do things as a famileeeee anymore' refrain [hhm]. But DH gets fed up when DS1 doesn't want to go with us.

I'd rather they were happy and only had to attend things that were really important so they'd be more likely to do it with a good grace and willingly.

Where do you stand on this?

Since ds was about 13 he's done very little with us, preferring to be with his friends or doing his own thing. It's fine, imo, we all get along and Idon't see the point in dragging a teenager on a muddy walk in the country (dh & I's favourite weekend activity) if they don't like it.

Last weekend, though, I bullied dh and ds into playing Risk for the first time in about a year and we really enjoyed it. DS beat dh and I which had a lot to do with it

Watching with interest. DS1 is 11 nearly 12 and still happy to come with us. Older cousins (15 and 16) still come to family gatherings but it is accepted that they will socialise for a bit and then go and play xbox or whatever. If there is a quiz or activity then they do it with everyone else. This side of the family tend always to socialise at someone's house, which makes things easier I think. Oh, they all came to DS1's confirmation in the summer and after church and lunch happily played mariokart wii as that is what was available

I think this is fine and hope for similar with my two boys.

Come with you where? Mine (16 and 10) will do stuff if it's stuff they like, including eg games, and cards, and films, but not if it's boring, like visiting Grandma, or embarrassingly full of peers, where we are a kind of walking social nightmare, naturally.

I use bribery and bargaining with DD aged 13. Eg, you can do bugger all on saturday, but on sunday you're coming swimming with me and then we'er all going out for sunday lunch.

Our DCs are 15, 12, 10. We dont go to too many family things anyway. When there is an invite to stay with GPs then oldest is normally allowed to decide whether she goes or not. The younger two want to go anyway so there is no dispute. As the younger DCs get older we will follow the same route with them in their turn.

When GPs visit DCs are expected to come and say hello, make general chit chat then they are allowed to disappear again.

When at GPs house for day visits they are expected to be polite and join in. Sulking is not allowed.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that as they get older there is a bit of flexibility but at the same time there are sometimes family obligations which cant be avoided. At these times they will just have to 'grin and bear it' - much as we do!

My 15 yo DS is being let off family panto trip tonight (since it's Friday) but will be visiting FC with us next week with his younger sibs. Has been allowed to turn up late/leave early for w/es with GPs because of parties...but knows family comes first and everything has to be negotiated. So gets let off things for eg homework or important parties, but not just because he won't enjoyt something! But general expectation is one of participation. So younger sibs dressed the tree last night while he did homework, but he stopped to join in at the end and share the mince pies!

DD still does quite a bit of stuff with us - she is 15 on Tuesday

I don't pressure her though - she does a lot of stuff with cadets and her mates. Every month we try tpo have a family day - ususally London or Stratford or something. We ususally have a lovely time - me and DP work FT so always want some 'quality time' (urgh at the phrase) as a family.

Sometimes though she clearly wants some time for herself - couple of weeks ago me and DP went to London by ourselves, she said 'wouldn't it be nice for you and dad to spend time by yourselves' meaning 'bugger off and leave me in peace'.

We always go out for dinner the three of us, which we all still like. And DD is very family minded - loves going to my in laws for all family events.

Funnily enough boring family events (cleaning out the garage, tidying the garden, decorating) you can't see her for dust.

They do meals out, or zoo trips, sometimes cinema. They will do most family trips to be fair to them. DS likes shopping. DD hates it (chip off the old block!).

But this weekend we are going for lunch to SILs on Saturday. Lunch and christingle at my parents on Sunday. Normally DS1 wouldn't have a problem with either of those but his friend has asked him to go somewhere else with him. It's hard because I can totally see his POV but he has a whole 2 weeks off soon and he can do it then.

We are going to a christmas party at my mother in laws care home on Sunday. DS ans DS are going whether they want to or not and I will be confiscating my daughters phone! It's only for a couple of hours and the rest of the family will be there so it should not be too great a hardship for them.

They still want to come on family holidays, annoyingly enough. At 20 and 17 they are old enough to bugger off and leave us in peace, one would think. This summer even the BF came with us!!! Can't get rid of the blighters

My DS(16) certainly has the "what's in it for me?" approach. All Inclusive Caribbean holidays, yes. A weekend in the caravan, no.

Shopping if it involves us spending money on him, yes. To help with the weekly shop, ha ha, nice try.

Increasingly we have very little opportunity to do 'family' things anyway - DH usually too busy so we often go separate ways anyway. DD 14 and Ds 11 - both meet up with friends and go on cinema trips etc with them.

Together we all: visit grandparents and family (all 2hrs+ away) - no problems here; family holidays - they can moan if there's not enough stuff 'for them' but sometimes they moan even when at places like Center Parks; days out to historic place of interest which they moan like hell about but I suspect actually enjoy when they're there (this is only 2-3 times per year tops)

Sadly things like country walks, bike rides etc are becoming increasingly difficult and rarely happen

DS1 has been family-phobic since about the age of 10 (now 15). His sister who's 13 is far more amenable to a day out, and DS2 is only 9 but not showing signs yet.

Mind you, days out aren't on offer much these days; now they're all older I find I don't get the cabin fever so much, so getting out of the house in the summer hols is not so important.

Plus we now have a dog, and I don't like to leave her all day, which puts whole-day trips out.

I'm with most others here; if there's a family function we all go, but it's okay to slope off with other teens if they're there. Visits to the GPs who live locally are limited to lunch as that's enough for everybody!

It's more difficult when we visit my mum, who is further away, as he'll sit at home by himself when we go out with the other two - which I can understand - what 15yo wants to be seen out with his gran, mum and younger siblings?
< Disclaimer: I was blissfully unaware of this form of stigma as a teen, but co-incidentally was a bit of a social pariah! >

Country walks and bike rides went by the by some time ago, though to be fair I only started those things as a means of entertaining young children in the first place.
We all eat together at the table every day so that's where we get conversation. Also live in a rural area so lots of time for in car chats.
We seldom visit firends or family anyway so they still seem happy to go along with that.
We all love board games as well. Risk and Ticket to Ride .

I do try to tailor family holidays to what will appeal to the boys in the knowledge that they won't want to holiday with us forever. DH and I were together 20 years before we had children and they will be away far too soon.

This makes me feel rather sad. My DCs are 5 and 2 and I can't imagine not having them with us at weekends. I guess that stage doesnt last long!

It is all very fluid, but they do the important stuff willingly enough and are polite etc as required. We watch films together and ds (13) likes to have a wrestling match with me on occasion (dh far too delicate and ethereal. We also drag them off to our house up a mountain in the middle of nowhere a couple of times a year and then they have no choice but to really enjoy LOADS of lovely time together (heh heh heh)

I do find the not wanting to be with you in public stuff odd - I never felt like that about my mum, I did with my dad, but he was a raving alc so it was fair.

i very much have a little red hen attitude, if you want the benefits of being in this family then you have to participate in family life, obviously they have their own space and that and personal time is respected, but it is a balance.

Feelingsensitive - I always thought I'd feel a bit sad too. But somehow it isn't. So far DS1 and DD are still good company and decent sorts - I would much rather they spent small amounts of time with us happily than spoil that by forcing them to do 'family' things (actually that phrase makes me shudder a little!) all the time. When they were little all our days were 'family days' and TBH some of them were a bit fraught and exhausting. Now we don't get so many of the fraught and exhausting ones and the ones we do spend together are special. Mind you I have learned to appreciate the times we spend together more - at 13 he's already more like a swallow testing his wings for the great migration than a small fledgling. Part of his heart is already elsewhere.

Feelingsensitive me and DH nip into town for a nice cup of coffee and a muffin on a saturday morning while our teens are still in bed. Its great as we actually get to speak to each other.

Don't forget though that older teenagers do not have a bedtime and so are around all evening as well - once you've shared a house with three of them there is nothing sad about having a bit of peace and quiet

Which is why ds's room has surround sound system, huge plasma telly and ps3 .

We rarely see him after 7pm

We do similar to you Webwiz. DD2 has a drama group on a Saturday morning and dd1 often has lots of homework - so dp and I go out for a coffee and a chat!

On Sundays, we try and do something a bit more family-centred or we have a chilling day at home where we all do what we want except for the fact that we play a game or watch a DVD together at some point in the day.

They're still totally up for visiting GPs and for 'proper' days out/holidays. The proper days out tend to be in the holidays, rather than at weekends though - eg day in London / trip to Chester Zoo (which they still like) etc.

I have a daughter of 20 and she stopped wanting to do family stuff at about 13.Now she is 20 she is a bit more amenable!I used to hate it when she wouldn`t want to visit grandparents on a sunday as my mum would cry.I knew someone who physically carried their teens to the car to visit grandparents on a sunday!

My 13 year-old started to opt out when she started secondary school. She'll do shopping if it's buying stuff for her. But that's ok as I hate shopping and especially hate it with other people.

Don't really do family days out except on holiday. She hardly does grandparent trips but I can understand that as they're not hers. She cetainly wouldn't come to the cinema with us but will do meals out. She's out all weekend so not around for lunch. There is no way she would do swimming with me (easy because I don't anyway but, even so...)