MIL and SIL problem - what do you think? Long

[koalabear]

Ok, this is going to be long .....

Husband and I had a weekend away (both for us, and because MIL had been going on and on about spending time with our son). Son was 15 months old, and had not as yet been left overnight with anyone other than us. We decided that it was best for our son if he was looked after in our home, and asked our MIL if she would come and stay. She said yes.

One week before we went away, she announced that she wasn't coming to stay, but she would look after our son in her house. Well, ok, we thought, it's not ideal, nor what we wanted, but our son would be ok and it would probably been more convenient for my MIL.

MIL then announced that she would also been looking after another grandson, who is 4.5 years old, as his mother (husband' sister) is single mother and wanted to go to out for the night. Now, I started to get uncomfortable because a) this is first time son was left overnight and he was not going to be in familiar surroundings; b) the idea was for MIL to spend one-on-one time with son; c) other grandson is very very active and physically violent with other children and I was/am not comfortable with them playing together unsupervised (MIL and SIL disagree with me and do not listen to other people regarding violent tendancies, and just so you know it is not me, the nursury,other family and other mothers have said same thing to them with they have ignored).

Ok, so, MIL and SIL look at husband and me in face across our kitchen table and both say independantly "i can't see why you are worried. SIL will be there at all times, she's not arriving with son until just before tea, and will put son in bed before going out for dinner. SIL will be there at all times when they are awake, so you should be happy because there will be an extra pair of hands".

Okay, husband and I talk and decided that it should be ok. It's not what we would prefer but son will be safe and cared for and loved.

So, one month later, a mutual acquaintance who was also out that night with SIL tells me that she actually dropped her son at MIL house at 11 am, and was out all day and night, so, in fact, MIL had both children alone at all times over the weekend. Indeed, SIL told mutual acquaintance before hand, whilst winking, yes, I'm going out but don't tell brother and SIL.

So, now am extremely angry

I am not angry about whether or not son was safe etc - I am angry and disappointed that they lied to me in order to manipulate me into a position that was convenient to them.

Clearly, beforehand they got together and KNEW that I would not be happy with the siutation, so schemed to lied to me so that they go what they wanted out of it.

Now, I may or may not be an overprotective mother, I may or may not be "precious", I may be a lot of things, but when it comes to the care of my 15 month old son, my husband and I have the right to decide who, when, where and how. They do NOT have the right to decide that for me. They can disagree with me, say I have no idea, whatever - but in the end, I expect my views, whether they agree or not, to be respected.

My proposed course of action is to say:

1. MIL said she wanted us to be "good friends" but good friends don't lie to manipulate the other person
2. I am extremely disappointed
3. Whatever she (MIL and SIL) think of our parenting style, she/they does not get to override what we want
4. I don't always agree with her parenting style, but I respect her right to know what is best for her son, and I expect them same in return
5. What she (MIL and SIL) have done is effectively extinguish any trust I have in them at all, and whilst I will not prevent them having a relationship with her grandson/nephew, I am not going to be able to trust them for quite some time and that will have an effect of the relationship as a whole
6. What I would have expected is that they said to us what the actual situation was, and given us the courtesy of making up our own minds as to the best course of action (and quite frankly, had SIL come to me and said "gee, I really need a day out and I know that you were looking forward to mum spending one-on-one time with your son, could you possibly reconsider" then we could have had an adult conversation about it. Similarly, had MIL said "i really would enjoy looking after both grandsons by myself and i would promise you i will take extra care that the older one not push the younger one around", then again, we could have had an adult conversation"

They have lied to me. I feel so let down, manipulated, and to be honest, disrespected.

So, what does MNET think?

if he's on his own with her for the day, and this arrangement has been going on for a while, you might feel confident enough to continue

could you pay her an unnanounced visit while ds is with her, using some excuse? might give you a chance to 'check' on her?

my xmil has done this several times. i talked to her rationally, i tried threatening that she couldnt see ds, i tried screaming at her. she still did what she wanted. difference was that xp took her side and that is mainly why he is x!

if she doesnt want to listen, she wont. i would just never leave ds on his own with her again. if she wants to know why, say you know what really went on last time and leave it at that.

no, not going away - baby no. 2 due in 8 weeks though and MIL has offered to have DS1 at her house "often" - which would have been no problem had i actually thought she respected our wishes

silly really is that we usually take our son away with us - he's no problem and we enjoy it as a family - we only thought to leave him this time because MIL made such a song and dance about it

ooooh, i can feel my stomach getting all notty again - silly - there are such bigger things to get upset about in the world

yes, goblin, you might be right - that may be the best approach lest i cause ww3

caligula - yes, i think that is the crux - if we don't say something, then it will continue - if we do say something, we might make things worse - ahhhhhhhhhh

when in-laws start causing this much concern, the best policy, ime, is to distance yourself from them. you didn't choose your in-laws - concentrate on your family and find a solution that makes you happy - they'll just have to lump it. try not to feel guilty about it either!

Hi Koalabear, Oh, how I sympathise. I have 2 MIL's and unfortunately for them and for me I don't trust them enough to look after DS and he's now 21mths.
In this situation I would just leave it. You know what they did and they know what they did and probably over a period of time they'll realise that you know - If you know what I mean Gosh, now I'm confused.
You sound like a very good mummy who cares about her DS welfare and I'm exactly the same. And yes it is totally about respect and they have shown their lack of it.
You are right and they are wrong and they'll soon work this out you wait and see!!

wellsie - what a kind post - thank you

2 MILS!

Now that's just greedy!

my xmil knew i knew, but carried on. she is of the 1950s generation who left the kids outside in the pram all day. i said i didnt want her doing it with ds, she said she never did. the day i walked past the pram outside and gave her the shock of her life cos she hadnt seen me come in she still denied leaving him outside alone unsupervised. some people just cant be reasonaed with

Is your MIL my mother gg?

gg - your MIL must be related to my MIL - I feel they would get on well (another pearler of my MIL is, at 2 weeks, to leave "DS in the bottom of the garden - he'll soon learn not to cry for attention" - indeed)

or masochistic
One is quite enough for me thanks
koalabear, if you feel you can manage without her having ds, financially and logistically, I have to say I would call time on this arrangement with your MIL, after discussing it with your dh (his mother, he should jolly well be mulling this over too).
I don't trust my MIL either, although in our case it is her lack of willingness to help that is a bone of contention...but when she is with ds and dd in our company, her charming combo of slyness and spite is enough for me.
You are absolutely right to focus on lack of respect here and to be honest, all the time you continue to let her have ds on what is probably her terms behind your back, you could be letting her get away with it.
Does she adhere to your preferences with regard to diet/drinks/time in front of TV/frequency of nappy-changing? Or is she winking about those behind your back too.
She sounds very tricky and I think you have been generous to let her have him up until now.

I must say, all your responses have been very mature. I really feel for your anger - I would be pretty uncontrollable in a situation like that .

You could confront them with the 'we know what really happened, we're really upset and disappointed that you felt you had to lie to us.
Until we feel comfortable that we can trust you, we will not be leaving xxx at your house again.

All said in a calm tone, by both of you. Important for you both to be united on this.

i am only going to say that the second verse of the 'you canny throw your granny off a bus' song gives me a huge amount of pleasure

I would not say anything either because I jsut would not let MIL look after the child again if I were in same boat. Also, I feel if something should be said, your DH should say it as MIL/DIL relationships are difficult enough whereas he will be able to say what he thinks, she might not like it but she will suck it up.

agree with WCL. I can see why you are furious, but I think best not to directly thrash it out yourself.

I would avoid the confrontation, just don't leave your DS with them again, as you said, they can't be trusted to do the things as you want, why risk it?

I have a MIL who don't pay any attention to our wishes, and a mother who always "knows" best. I can't trust them to keep DS for a weekend, a day maybe, but not overnight, at least not until DS gets older.

It is only worth saying something now if you believe that your mil and sil will be reasonable. From what you have said they show no respect for how you feel so I agree with others it might be best to draw a line under it and allow, but minimise the amount of time that they have in sole charge of your ds. If mil / sil raises issue that they are spending less time with ds then may be raise it then. it might also come better from your dh if you do raise the issue, in my experience and from several stories that I have read on here often dh will do their best to not get involved even though agreeing with you so even going down that course may course additional tension for you.

thanks all

i have spoken with my DH tonight, and without promting, he has said that he will talk to both MIL and SIL

so now i can draw a line, hopefully, and as so many people have said, be careful about when they have sole care in the future

i am still upset, but more at the lack of respect, and very disappointed for what this may mean for our future relationships - i really was looking forward to having an extended, supportive family - but at least i have that in my husband - i guess i am very lucky really

thanks again to everyone who has given their advice

What is your DH going to say, KBear?

I can't believe how much they lied to you, esp. when you found bite marks on your LO afterwards! I would confront MIL with the facts (that they lied to you, SIL was gone most the weekend, etc.) and then ask what she had to say for herself.

As for SIL, I doubt I would ever speak to her again -- did she ever actually apologise to you for her boy biting yours????

They don't believe he did bite him. There is no point bring that up, because they believe that he is angel boy, and that everyone else is wrong.

Re what my DH will say, he is just going to focus on the lie, and say how disappointed he is, and that it would be better to be open and deal with such issues as adults. Also, that in the future, we will need to believe that they wont lie to us again because otherwise it makes the whole family life unbearable. I think he will also say how absolutely upset I am that they thought so little of me to lie to me like that that that they need to "make it right" with me. Hopefully then, they will approach me and we can sort it out.

What I expect will happen is that they will say they "had to" lie because I am "unreasonable", and it will be then that he will have to make the point that how we choose to bring up our son is our right, and not their's to manipulate

I don't know how it will turn out. I am so tired of it all, I am getting to the stage where I don't care.

TBH, the hard thing for me is to continue to allow MIL to babysit my son - I don't think it is fair not to (not fair on him to deny him time with his grandmother) - but it will be hard because of my lack of trust in what she tells me now

Haven't read all the responses - I agree they were not very adult about it and somehow your response needs to be adult. I would probably take MIL aside at the earliest opportunity and calmly say 'We really appreciate you looking after DS, it meant a lot to us to be able to go away and to know that he was having time with you. I'm sorry that you weren't able to tell me that [other child] was also going to be with you all day, as I would have preferred to know. Do you think we could agree to discuss these sort of things openly in the future?' Then try to listen to what she has to say and respond with your honest feelings but calmly and without attacking.

Would do as JC says. Then bite her.