MIL and SIL problem - what do you think? Long

[koalabear]

Ok, this is going to be long .....

Husband and I had a weekend away (both for us, and because MIL had been going on and on about spending time with our son). Son was 15 months old, and had not as yet been left overnight with anyone other than us. We decided that it was best for our son if he was looked after in our home, and asked our MIL if she would come and stay. She said yes.

One week before we went away, she announced that she wasn't coming to stay, but she would look after our son in her house. Well, ok, we thought, it's not ideal, nor what we wanted, but our son would be ok and it would probably been more convenient for my MIL.

MIL then announced that she would also been looking after another grandson, who is 4.5 years old, as his mother (husband' sister) is single mother and wanted to go to out for the night. Now, I started to get uncomfortable because a) this is first time son was left overnight and he was not going to be in familiar surroundings; b) the idea was for MIL to spend one-on-one time with son; c) other grandson is very very active and physically violent with other children and I was/am not comfortable with them playing together unsupervised (MIL and SIL disagree with me and do not listen to other people regarding violent tendancies, and just so you know it is not me, the nursury,other family and other mothers have said same thing to them with they have ignored).

Ok, so, MIL and SIL look at husband and me in face across our kitchen table and both say independantly "i can't see why you are worried. SIL will be there at all times, she's not arriving with son until just before tea, and will put son in bed before going out for dinner. SIL will be there at all times when they are awake, so you should be happy because there will be an extra pair of hands".

Okay, husband and I talk and decided that it should be ok. It's not what we would prefer but son will be safe and cared for and loved.

So, one month later, a mutual acquaintance who was also out that night with SIL tells me that she actually dropped her son at MIL house at 11 am, and was out all day and night, so, in fact, MIL had both children alone at all times over the weekend. Indeed, SIL told mutual acquaintance before hand, whilst winking, yes, I'm going out but don't tell brother and SIL.

So, now am extremely angry

I am not angry about whether or not son was safe etc - I am angry and disappointed that they lied to me in order to manipulate me into a position that was convenient to them.

Clearly, beforehand they got together and KNEW that I would not be happy with the siutation, so schemed to lied to me so that they go what they wanted out of it.

Now, I may or may not be an overprotective mother, I may or may not be "precious", I may be a lot of things, but when it comes to the care of my 15 month old son, my husband and I have the right to decide who, when, where and how. They do NOT have the right to decide that for me. They can disagree with me, say I have no idea, whatever - but in the end, I expect my views, whether they agree or not, to be respected.

My proposed course of action is to say:

1. MIL said she wanted us to be "good friends" but good friends don't lie to manipulate the other person
2. I am extremely disappointed
3. Whatever she (MIL and SIL) think of our parenting style, she/they does not get to override what we want
4. I don't always agree with her parenting style, but I respect her right to know what is best for her son, and I expect them same in return
5. What she (MIL and SIL) have done is effectively extinguish any trust I have in them at all, and whilst I will not prevent them having a relationship with her grandson/nephew, I am not going to be able to trust them for quite some time and that will have an effect of the relationship as a whole
6. What I would have expected is that they said to us what the actual situation was, and given us the courtesy of making up our own minds as to the best course of action (and quite frankly, had SIL come to me and said "gee, I really need a day out and I know that you were looking forward to mum spending one-on-one time with your son, could you possibly reconsider" then we could have had an adult conversation about it. Similarly, had MIL said "i really would enjoy looking after both grandsons by myself and i would promise you i will take extra care that the older one not push the younger one around", then again, we could have had an adult conversation"

They have lied to me. I feel so let down, manipulated, and to be honest, disrespected.

So, what does MNET think?

I agree with what your saying. They have lied to you.

How does your dh feel about this? Does he know?

I agree with you, and I would feel exactly the same. Actually, I think I would have gone one step further and cancelled our trip as soon as MIL refused to look after ds at our house!! Perhaps I am just 'precious' as well, but if it was the first time I had left ds (who is my second child, btw)overnight, I would want everything done exactly how I thought best.
I think your proposed course of action is good, although I would wait a little while until you feel a bit calmer, otherwise you may end up starting a row, which I don't think you want!
What does dh say? How did your ds actually get on at the time?

I think that there is a possibility of you blowing this up into a huge family dispute if you take the proposed action. Is it really worth it? How will your dh feel if you fall out with a large proportion of his family? Would it hurt too much just to take this knowledge on board and accept that you can't trust either of them to have your childs best interests at heart? Seriously family arguments cause huge heartbreak - think long about what you will gain by having your proposed conversation with them.

By the way I don't think what they did was right at all. I just wonder if that is the best way of handling it.

I totally agree with everything you say.

But i wouldn't say it out loud just yet.
Have you spoken to your DH about it?

I agree with Cheekygirl as well _ I would have cancelled straight off as soon as she moved the goalposts.

NBG - Yes, told DH straight way and he is very angry too, but not sure of best way to handle it.

Cheekygirl - MIL and SIL said that he was fine, although when he came home I found bite marks on him, which must have hurt at the time . MIL said (but i can't trust that now to be true) that there was only one argument and that was when older grandson and our son were fighting over a book, and I quote, MIL said "It wasn't x's fault - your son really needs to learn to share" I said "he's only 15 months old - no 15 month old know how to share". However, this conversation illustrates, again, that MIL favours older grandson, because his father is not around

Carmenere - yes, I agree with you that that is one thing I am worried about. Families are precious, and I don't want to rip this one apart. MIL is a good grandmother, and loves her grandchildren. I don't dispute that. She has my DS one day a week, at her request, not out of necessity, so she is very involved. My problem with that now is that I don't trust her to follow what we would like for our son (food wise etc), nor do I trust her to tell me truthfully if anything has happened. She clearly doesn't agree with my way of parenting, and therefore takes the "out of site, out of mind, I know best and will do what I want" road. Unfortunately, there are other incidents which also point to this.

Caligua - yes, that is I guess why I am talking to you guys and not to the family. I don't want to say things in anger, and I am calming down. In the end, it's not really about my son at all - it is absolutely about there complete lack of respect for me. I am not sure I can say anything to change that.

thank you all so much for taking the time to post - it is so good to know that other mum's don't think i am being silly about this

i guess the true dilema is do i say something or say nothing

if i say something, will it achieve anything?

if i say nothing, how do i ever trust them again, and how do i trust either or them to look after son without husband or i around?

From an experience I had with MIL involving dd. Not saying anything about a problem caused more problems IYSWIM.

Could it be that your SIL manipulated your MIL in to looking after her ds?

If I were you I think I might say nothing for the time being and only mention it in passing in the future maybe in a lighthearted fashion. Oh dear there are no easy answers in these situations

I think maybe you need your DH to talk to your MIL about this - it will be better coming from him.

She has got to be made to understand that if she goes behind your back, she is disrepecting you and she is in the wrong. And out of sight out of mind only works for things which either a) can never be found out and b) don't have a lasting after-effect.

How to get someone to understand that it's a question of respect for you, is the big question. Is your MIL amenable to reason generally (I ask tentatively because so many appear not to be!)?

If you don't say anything, there's a risk they'll think you weren't actually that bothered and that will make it easier for them to do something similar again.

I would def say something, but prob in a not-too-confrontational way. I think it's worth stating what you will and won't accept now, though.

I'd be fuming if someone tried to pull the wool over my eyes like that though - especially if they'd been telling their mates about their plans too .

I wouldnt say any thing and wouldnt leave my child with them or her again.
Definitely not over night.
I dont think that you would not be shooting your self in the foot with this because by the sounds of your posts, you are not altogether comfortable leaving your son at the moment any way.
Personally, i would have instructions and preferences based around my childs routine which i would want carried out to the letter.
If there is any dispute/questioning/bargaining with this then i would say no, end of.
I have said no to my MIL to my ds staying overnight and he is 2. I just dont feel comfortable with it and she is wonderful.

You need to feel 100% right about this, you obviously dont.
Dont make a big issue of this, thrash it out with your dh and then leave it at that, it isnt worth the upset IMHO.

donbean - thanks for your thoughts - i think i need to give serious thought to what you suggest - the consensus on here seems to be say something, but not now and make it low key

in respect of what you said about leaving instructions, problem is, is that she ASKED for his routine and food to be written down so she could follow them - THEN IGNORED it all (all this in addition to the lieing about who was going to be there)

so, i can specify exactly what i would like based on what i know is best for him, like you suggest, and she totally ignores me anyway - so what's the point in it all!

So avoid the situation and dont let him stay overnight again until he is older and you feel better.
What you need is a HUGE bar of chocoalte and a coffee, sit down and stuff the lot into your mouth, then allow the calming waves that only chocolate can produce to wash across you.....
Then and only then you need to ask yourself whether or not it would be worth a conflict.
The trouble is, even if you approach it in a light hearted manner, you are so angry at this treatment (rightly so) would you be able to prevent it from esculating into an argument?

I agree with Donbean - as someone who's not at all good at confrontation! I would say nothing and not leave him with mIL overnight in future. He is your child, and, even if mil dosn't respect his routine to the letter, he would probably be more comfortable in his own environment. so, in future, if she won't come to yours, then it should be no go.

It might be an idea to hire a babysitter next time.

It's always a little salutory to pushy relatives when you mention the paid babysitter coming round. They go away thoughtful...

I would say nothing. It sounds like you are going to have to live with the situation - its not fair, it was wrong of your MIL but unless you want it to blow up into a massive family row that could backfire, I would leave it.

I would also try and find a trusted, paid babysitter so you do not have to rely on your MIL.

Believe me I understand where you are coming from but I would chalk it up to experience.

thanks enid
we have plenty of babysitters
MIL asked to have him ever since he was born, and we eventually, after 15 months, said ok

for instance, she told me to stop breastfeeding so that she could have him overnight at her house! he was only 1 month old at the time!

ah but what they say and what they do are 2 separate issues!

and they always say that about breastfeeding. it makes them uncomfortable and they just want you to give up sorry Cynical Enid x

so what about the one day a week she has him (at her request) - should we continue with that and just no allow any sleepovers? i don't want to stop any relationship between grandmother and grandson, but i also want to be able to TRUST the person looking after my child ?????

I really think you should play it by ear.

If she has him one day a week thats a great bonus to you. Are you planning to go away overnight again soon?

I think you have to say something, purely because if you don't, as someone else has said, your MIL and SIL will think you don't really mind that much. And so then they'll push the boundaries further - and it'll wind you up for years.

I suppose you have to decide whether there's more chance of years of hassle if this causes an argument, or if you'll get the years of hassle anyway, because she'll be constantly winding you up.

I think in general, in-laws just seem to be years of hassle however you deal with them!