Tell me it gets better - 12 day old baby and finding it tough to cope

[emmyloo2]

Hi there,

I think the title of the thread says it all. I have a 12 day old DS, who is lovely. However, I must admit I am not really enjoying this mothering thing as much as I anticipated. I have a gorgeous, wonderful DH and my Mum is here staying with us but I am still finding it much harder than I ever dreamed. I am used to stress as I have a demanding stressful job but this is even more exhausting. I am breastfeeding him every 2-3 hours and then change him and settle him back to sleep. Then I get a short break before doing it all again. He is feeding at around 10.30pm and then once in the middle of the night and then again around 8am. I know I should be grateful for this but I still find it absolutely draining. It's just constant and I find I dread the feeding sessions. My nipples are quite sore although I am using Lanisoh. I have had his latch checked and it is all fine. He seems to feed a lot and is gaining weight.

So there are no real issues but I find it so restrictive and so exhausting even though I feel like I am just sitting around the house. I can't take him out in the pram because of the snow but I am trying to get out of the house myself for an hour each afternoon while my Mum watches him.

Does it get easier? When do they start feeding less and interacting more? I know I may sound unrealistic but I am just shattered and would appreciate any advice or reassurance that it will get better.

Thanks!

It will get better. It might help to think of the first three months of babyhood as what they call the 'fourth trimester'. I found from three months we hit more of a stride, we had a routine I could work some sort of life around and felt like I had started bonding with DD. It does feel like every day goes on forever but time does speed up again, and then some! You start getting more back from about 6 weeks or so, once they start smiling it makes a big difference. I hate being a mother of newborns, but I love being a mother of toddlers. Newborns aren't much fun, it's easier to just go with it though and accept that for now, nothing else gets done, but there will be more to life than feeding again, it's not forever even if it feels like it. Each day that passes is one day you don't have to do again, and one day closer to your DS growing up. Hang in there.

The first few weeks are hard, I think when they start to smile at you it gets easier because you get a bit of a "reward" for all the hard work you've put in - DS started to smile at 5 weeks and it made such a difference. Now at 13 weeks, when he's awake he's such a joy to be around, smiling and playing and interacting with you and learning new skills all the time.

You need to be kind to yourself in the early weeks and remember you are recovering from pregancy and birth as well as dealing with a completely new situation so give yourself a break and a treat of some sort, a bath if you can spare the time, or some nice chocs or something. :)

i found that motherhood was a bit like learning to drive. you feel like you are never oing to get it then it just clicks. you carry on after you have passed then you back into a post at tesco and loose your confidance again.

Sounds like you're doing great!

Don't forget to sleep yourself.
Just because you feel like you aren't doing much... actually you're very tired, from pregnancy, labour, and the overwhelmingness of a new person to be constantly on-call for.

Also, if you are a bit sore from the feeding, try some different positions. Rugby ball or lying down can just change where he puts the pressure on your nipples and give them a chance to recover a bit. Don't forget to take some paracetamol too, if you're uncomfortable.

all sounds v normal to me - and yes it does get better or no one would ever have a sibling!

agree with wildhood - the first 3 months are the hardest - at 12 days you're doing well to be on the internet IMO -not sure my life had any shape at all when ds was that tiny!

nipple soreness is very normal - even if the latch is correct - it takes time to get used to. follow up again with your midwife/health visitor if you're worried?

restrictive and exhausting - yup - the round the clock feeding thing is v normal at first -but once he calms down and settles himself into a little routine, it does get a lot easier t get out and about.

my top tips for dealing with these first few weeks are:-

1. feed in bed at night - v young babies feed well this way and it's much less tiring for you.
2. ask ALL visitors to bring food! you need pampering and looking after.
3. do try and make it outside each day - even just a 5 minute walk - makes you feel more human.

and then, once things calm down a little, join a postnatal group/baby group/local NCT - the support this gives is unparalleled - all new Mums are going through the same thing and comparing notes is v helpful - made some really good friends this way.

hope it all works out - and try to enjoy this newborn stage - when you look back you'll be amazed how quickly he turned into a boisterous toddler!

Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time Emmy. I agree with Wildhood that it helps to consider the first three months as a 'fourth trimester'.

With my first DD I found those first 12 weeks relentless, hard work and brain-numbing due to the lack of sleep. With my second, I was stuck to the sofa breastfeeding from 7pm to 11pm every night.

But, after 12 weeks, both girls settled down, I got into my stride and I was able to start to adjust to the new 'normal'. It will get better, it's just hard to realise that when you're in the thick of it.

Be kind to yourself, revise your expectations and try to go with the flow. Much harder than it sounds I know - it took me a year to get over the shock of becoming a mum first time around - but I had another DD, so it can't be that bad

It all sounds very normal.

And if is surely worse for you not being able to get out of the house properly because of the snow.

Can you get the car out? Or put your baby in a sling and go for a short walk? Even to a local cafe for a cup of tea and a bun.

I found in the first weeks that I was constantly going into our bedroom and switching on the light because I had forgotten that the baby was sleeping in there. I felt really bad that I could forget I had a baby, but now realise that for years I had been going into that room and switching on the light and that it was just habit.

Give yourself time to get used to your new routine and your new life. It will get better. Honest.

12 days is the absolutely worst time.

My DH went back to work that day and I was crying saying "it's not fair, why is the MAN the one that gets to go back to work?" :o

I completely identify with the relentless repetition and how you never have a break and you are suddenly not your own person who can do what you want, you are basically a slave to a tiny, sweet, fragile, precious bag of ENDLESS NEED.

The reason it's so hard right now is because you are on the steepest learning curve of your life.

"I find it so restrictive and so exhausting even though I feel like I am just sitting around the house. "

You are not just sitting around the house, you are watching your baby and learning how to be a mother. That's huge. It's just also emotionally difficult and also restrictive.

Here's what will happen soon - he will gradually get quicker at feeding, so gradually you'll start to be able to do little things that feel impossible at the moment.

Somewhere between 4 and 6 weeks he will start talking to you and smiling and laughing :o But even before that you will get to know him so well and his little quirks and personality.

Also, you will give in to the "Stockholm Syndrome" (as my friend whose DD is a week younger than mine and I used to call it) :o - you will start to love your captor and be accepting and even happy with your captivity. I know that sounds grim, but it's not :)

Tip: I know the snow is a PITA but do try to get outside every day, especially while you're feeling like this. Seeing the rest of the world going along as normal really helps, even if you do feel "pushed to the side of your own life" Afternoons - Philip Larkin

Less than a fortnight ago your son wasn't even born, you weren't a mother. I'm sure they feel like the longest 12 days of your life, but they are just days. This is the hardest part of the best thing you're ever going to do. But like all good things, there's a lot to learn and you've got all that to do right now.

My 2nd is 10 months old. When you have a second you get all the benefit of what you're doing now - having a newborn when you know what you're doing is a doddle. So don't let anyone tell you it's easy with one - it's hardest first time.

Hope that helps :)

To be totally honest, for the first few weeks I thought to myself "what have I done?"

Being able to deal with stress at work is absolutely no preparation for the overwhelming 24/7 for the rest of your life nature of motherhood. So what you're feeling is completely completely normal, and as other posters have said you will hit your side.

I found the first year hard, but as we both settled into it more I found myself feeling like I was getting my life back. Just hang in there, and know that this phase will pass.

It does get so much easier. They feed for shorter periods and more easily and you just get the hang of what you are doing.

Do you have a sling? This will help you to get out with him if a pram is difficult in the snow. You can make sure they are really cosy - get a big coat you can do up around the baby and they will probably fall asleep. Daylight is good for getting night and day sorted out for new babies.

Once you have fed them ask dh or yr mum to change and get them to sleep so you can sleep / lie down / have a bath. And make an effort to eat well for your sake. It all helps you to get on top things. But yes its totally normal to feel like you do.

It is such a relief when you start getting something back - smiles, grabbing your hand, laughs. Once you get to 3 mnths they will do something new nearly every day. And you will have a load of new stuff to cope with but you will look back on the early days and think how different it all is.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. It is very hard with the first as its all so new and different. I remember feeling the same with my first too. I have just had dc3, he is 11 days old today. The newborn stage is hard but just keep thinking that with each day that passes things will get a bit easier. I agree around 3 months things do get a LOT easier. Stay positive and good luck!!

It does get better, but it takes time. You sound like you maybe had an unrealistic view of what early motherhood is like. I found it quite brutal. But I do think acceptance that the early weeks are very hard is key to coping. And wallow in the good times which I found a help to get me through the harder times.

As you have help, make sure you take advantage of it and sleep when the baby sleeps as much as possible. Forget everything else except absolute essentials.

You have a demanding job and are probably used to being in control of things, but early motherhood is not something you can control - go with it and enjoy as much as you can.

Congratulations on the birth of DS - so happy for you!

Motherhood is soooo hard, I have a 4.5 month old DD and I would say first 12 weeks are incredibly hard. Your whole identity as a woman changes, you are in a situation where you don't know what you're doing and probably get loads of differing opinions, you're knackered from lack of sleep (there is a reason why sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture!) and it's totally overwhelming knowing this little person is soley dependent upon you and your DH.

Having said all that it absolutely does get better. Your DS will get into a routine, sleep longer through the night, will interact more with you all in his own good time and I'm certain you will enjoy it more and more as your confidence grows.

Good luck x

he is only 12 days old it is very early days, he is not even weeks old just days! it will get easier, and also you have only just given birth yourself, so it is tiring and you have to settle into it. as he gets a bit bigger he will start going longer between feeds, being awake and alert more and becoming more interesting. even in a few more weeks he will be quite different. being snowed in can not be helping either, once your able to get out the house atleast for short walks or just a change of scene i bet you will feel much better and it might just give you a boost to make things feel much easier, it can be quite monotonous @ home with a very small baby as they dont do much even though they are lovely
congrats, and hang in there it will get easier, in a few more weeks and months he will be very different and before you know it a whole yr would have flown by it actually goes so quickly, my ds2 was born around this time last yr and those very early days are like a distant memory

Agree with the rest of the posts not much more I can add except from it really makes a difference when they start smiling. Makes it all feel so much better.

Got to say looking back at it all now my DD is 14 months old, it's been an amazing journey. She giggles so much she falls down and thinks she's very funny (which of course she is). Stick in there, things change very very quickly and when they do, you'll feel very priveleged to say you saw it first! Find an ante natal group, meet other mums who will feel the same as you. I cried a few times in front of my group just through sheer exhaustion - but most importantly it got me out of the house and they ALL felt the same. Much love to you and your new family. Things will get better. Promise.

Spidookly- "You are not just sitting around the house, you are watching your baby and learning how to be a mother. That's huge."

That made me well up. That is such a lovely way of putting those first scarey weeks.

Op IT WILL get better. Mine are older now- 3 and 7 and the new born weeks are the hardest. Especially with the first one as you are not only learning to be a mother but also perhaps grieving a little for your old life.

3 and 7 years...

It will get easier, I promise. My older child is now 13 years and I still haven't experienced anything harder than the first few weeks.

OP, yours sounds like a heaven to me. I have 4 week old, my DH has been away since the baby was 2.5 weeks, no family around, can't get out due to snow, 2nd baby so there is a toddler to take care about - however, somehow coping. The hardest moment for me is when I feed the baby at night and have to keep myself awake. But the hardest time will pass quickly!

OP it might also be worth caling the NCT postnatal line for a chat. And sorry if the last line of my previous post sounded flippant - I really didn't mean it to be. Hope you find it all easier soon

Sorry! NCT line is 0300 330 0773.

emmyloo - possibly best to think of this hard bit less as 'mothering' and more as 'baby wrangling'. Mothering will go on for ever, and is usually pretty good.

What the others said, emmyloo!

I, too had a stressful job with awful anti-social hours and crappy shift patterns, but being a mother of a small baby has been far more challenging.

And far more rewarding.

The only thing I would add to the excellent advice you've had upthread is to say try and focus on positives if you can, not just on the difficult stuff.
Newborns don't give much back it's true, but they are also mysterious, fascinating creatures and each one is a tiny miracle. Yes, it's a bewildering time, being a new mum. But what an incredible thing you're doing and how much you are learning all the time!

And read this - it'll really help you understand your feelings and come to terms with the maelstrom of emotions that being a new mum brings.

Congratulations and good luck!

How are you doing Emmyloo? Hope you're having a better week this week.

Hi cakey, thanks for asking. Things got better towards the end of last week and I felt more upbeat. My Mum has now returned home and so I am feeling her absence a lot and am quite lonely as my husband is out at work.

I did manage to start venturing out with the pram last week and as long as the baby was fed before we left, he just slept away and was quite happy. I hope to get out with the pram this week as well.

Today was a tough day as he just wouldn't settle so it took me several hours to feed him, change him, feed him again, settle him. And then he would wake up one hour later, seemingly hungry again. It's really hard! He has now been asleep since 8pm and have not heard a peep from him. I will feed him again around 10.30 and hopefully will get some sleep.

I think the other problem I have is all the books I have read and so I am paranoid of doing the "wrong" thing. Like letting him fall asleep at the breast, or rocking him to sleep or basically giving him the boob to put him to sleep. I am sure some of the books would say these are bad habits to get into but I get so desparate just to put him to sleep. Plus I can't help thinking that he is such a little new baby that of course he likes to be held and cuddled and surely there is nothing wrong with using this to help him sleep. I wpuld love someone to rock me to sleep!!!

Thanks again everyone for your advice. I am just focusing on each day and getting through each day. 6 more days before we go home to Australia where we will be staying with my parents so this will make life a lot easier because we will have a lot more support.

Emma