Family disagree with parenting style, getting through xmas support thread.

[Porcelain]

I'm popping over here from feeding, I was going to post about this anyway, but it seems a lot of us on the sleep regression thread seem to have this issue and could do with a thread for it.

I follow an attachment parenting model, well that is to say, I do what feels right for me and DS (with total support from DH) and then I read a book on AP and went "oh, there's a name for that is there" and got tips on making it work even better for me as well as feeling much more valid in my choices). I breastfeed, co-sleep, babywear, everything but the lentils - I do it because it works for us, it makes my life easier.

My mother however, does not "get" this at all. She believes in bottles and prams, crying it out and sleeping through in a separate room (DS was sleeping through until he hit his 4 month growth spurt, but in my room). When DS was a week old she was trying to persuade me to "give myself a break" by giving him a couple of bottles a day, I pointed out that washing up bottles when I could be sat in bed with my baby didn't seem like a break to me. At 8 weeks (in October) she suggested I put him in the pram in the garden, so that his crying wouldn't interrupt me while I got on with painting the hall. I know this is what she did with me, so I have to be really careful about not accidentally telling her I think she was a rubbish mum, but what it boils down to is that this is my baby, I will raise him my way, just as any other mother, including her, is entitled to raise their babies in their own way.

I got married when DS was 10 weeks. My mother kicked off about him being in my bed with me (she suggested putting him on a folding bed on the floor rather than in a double with me), on the day she got really shirty about me leaving the table during the meal to feed him (he was refusing a bottle of EBM from me and I was bursting, I couldn't feed without taking my dress off or I would have fed him there and she would have been mortified - she's always suggesting I go up to a bedroom to feed him rather than stay chatting to everyone else). What really annoyed me though was overhearing her talking to my brother's new partner, who we had all only just met and telling her "he's spoiled, because she never leaves him on his own". This was false on both counts, I do leave him (and keep a monitor on) to nap in his cot when he is having a proper deep sleep, or to play there if he is really happy and involved with his toys, but I won't leave him when he is hungry, upset or sleeping lightly on my lap. This comment actually really upset me, it's bad enough that she criticises my parenting to me, but to near strangers when she thinks I can't hear.

Anyhow, the point is, that Christmas is coming, which means spending time with the family.

I am finding it really hard to mother DS in the way I want to around my mother. For instance I normally feed him as soon as he starts showing early feeding cues. I would rather get food into him when he is getting peckish, than wait for him to be starving, screaming and have to calm him down to latch on. My mother will see him fussing a bit, and take him off me to walk around, bounce etc, and put off his feed, or if she has him already, not bring him back to me. She repeatedly criticises the frequency of his feeding, and is perpetually asking me when I am going to give him a bottle (he has gone from 50th to 91st centile, he no way needs a bottle). I don't feel like I have the freedom to feed him, to rock him to sleep, to carry him with me, in her house, so visits are getting really tense. Add to this the fact that he is teething, and going through a growth spurt/sleep regression, which means my mum will be more convinced that I'm doing it wrong and more pushy with her "helpful advice".

I am seriously considering Christmas being a flying 2 hour visit (they live 4 hours drive away) rather than an overnight, or staying in a B&B.

So anyone else in this situation, any ideas on dealing with pestering parents or in-laws who think they know best?

Hi, your post hit a chord with me as my mum was like this as well.

"When are you going to get that baby on a bottle?"

"Why are you feeding him, he's not screaming?"

She ruined bf DS1 for me as she kept on and on about how babies should be fed only every 4 hours and I lost my confidence and gave in to formula.

She also used to do that thing you describe where she whisked the baby away as soon as he wanted to feed to try and fob him off - she would only have brought him back when he was screaming his head off had I not intervened earlier.

I dunno. You've had loads of good advice. For me, I lost my patience one day and told my mum that her parenting methods were outdated and wrong and that she had no business telling me how to feed my DCs as she knew fuck all about breastfeeding (having given up bf my DB at 6 weeks and never attempting with me). It worked!

I actually think a lot of it is jealousy (perhaps unadmitted to but it's there). It;s so lovely to bf, co-sleep and cowear a baby and our own mothers see this and feel sad and guilty inside themselves that they followed the guidelines at the time - feed a bottle every 4 hours or so then stick baby in a cot until time for next feed, let baby scream itself to sleep, never pick up or cuddle as that will spoil baby.....

I'm afraid I'm tempted to be a little more direct than that. With questions like ""When are you going to get that baby on a bottle?" and "Why are you feeding him, he's not screaming?", my response tends to be "Why are you asking? What does it matter to you?"

This is both to say "you're being rude by asking" and to force the rude person to spell out their rationale. I'd rather address these things head on, even if it's family. After all, why should I worry about saying something that offends my mum, when she doesn't worry about offending me?

I agree, I think the comments from mums/MILs about BF are often down to jealousy/guilt/regret about their own feeding choices.

Recently my MIL was watching me BF and said "I bet you'll be glad when you can give that up". I explained how even though it was tiring/time consuming etc there were things I loved about BF like the bond/closeness/convenience in the middle of the night etc. She then launched into a tirade of "of course, I couldn't have breastfed, in those days they took the baby away from you in the hospital, and anyway my husband was working away from home and I was on my own, and when he was home he came home for lunch and I always had to cook a hot lunch for him, and dinner, and I was looking after my sick mother..."

It made me feel a bit sorry for her really, she was obviously trying to justify to herself the things she did. I don't think we should be too hard on them, they are just from a different generation where the advice/done thing was very different.

I'm sure in 30 years time we'll be lecturing our daughters on the joys of BF while they'll be saying "Eurrgh, mum, that's so old fashioned, now we only feed them organic prune juice!"

I know my mum had to give up feeding me at 6 weeks to have major dental work done (I guess she could have pumped and dumped but I don't think she would have been encouraged to), she seemed a bit regretful of this so I thought she would be more supportive, but I suppose she could well be wanting to justify her actions by accepting them as the right thing to do. I'm not sure how long she fed my brother for, but she has often said how painful it was and I wonder if she never got through the hard phase and thinks i'm torturing myself.

Iwas, loving the idea that your poor baby is craving the cold hard caress of plastic, mean mummy.

I managed to get the point over to my Dad, we were talking about my wedding and I explained I would express for DS, in case he got hungry mid ceremony or something. Dad asked if I had considered formula. He's a businessman so when I replied "why would I buy formula when I get a superior product free?" he nodded in approval and hasn't mentioned it since

I think conviction really helps. When I was pregnant I expected to BF a couple of months then switch to formula, because I just thought that's what you did. Now I intend to feed until at least 2. It's a lot easier to deal with "when are you switching to formula" with "never if I can help it", leaves less room for persuasion.

I agree with a lot of what has been said already. I was expecting trouble with my rather old fashioned and routine obcessed MIL and had to nip in the bud early. When she suggested I was spoiling DD by picking her up when she grizzled aged 1 wk I just responded with "this is the modern way and the way I intend to treat my daughter". Since then I've had no overt criticism, just the odd "gosh, feeding her again, are you?" and raised eyebrows when co-sleeping was mentioned, but I have just ignored it.

I realise it would have been harder had my own Mum had the same attitude, but for the sake of peace I'm glad I avoided any open discussion on parenting techniques. I know this is cynical, but my PILs have just done 10 days of childcare as I went back to work and if we'd fallen out in the early days as I feared I doubt we could have asked them to do this. I also know they didn't follow BLW as thoroughly as I had hoped whilst they had DD alone, but I decided some things just aren't worth the hassle.

I may need this. Xmas WEEK with ILs. You should have seen her face when we told her we had brought a sling. DD will be 10months, we co-sleep, feeds at least twice in the night and I really don't want to express while I'm there.

I'll smack her really hard for you if you like. Spitting nails reading this. She reminds me of my exMIL.

I don't think she means well. She sounds really horrible.

I would be inclined to throw a massive fit and really shout at her to stfu when she starts up.

However, stonewalling works well too. Just say "What?" in a way that implies you're ridiculing her or that you haven't heard, and keep on repeating it until she finally gets tired of repeating herself. A laconic "mmm-hmmm"" or a bored "Oh yes?/ Oh really?" might get the message across too but may be a bit subtle.

Never explain anything or try to justify anything you do to someone like this. You don't owe her an explanation. Don't bother with facts about breastfeeding or attachment parenting. Silence, and your back turned, and don't engage. And peel off as much as you like in whatever room you like in your own home to bfeed.

Same here to an extent, although my mother fed me til 18 months and carried me about. But she's always taunting me (more good naturedly than nasty) about me not leaving her to 'grumble' and asking when she's in her own bed (she is now at over 2 years, but I'm still feeding her). I also follow a UP approach so that of course will

My MIL doesn't dare

One thing to add is that I think there is also something lying behind this issue. Because you are perceived to be so caring and loving it can sometimes feel like an implied criticism of how they raised you. It can awaken all sorts of regrets and misgivings about how they did things. Also it may seem to her that you have more information and research at your disposal and are acting on that and so makes her feel a bit outdated or ignorant, and so she's digging her heels in.

Plus she may be trying to help and it is unfortunately coming across as hectoring.

Or else some people are ignorant and pigheaded or the idea of discipline and worries about perceived dependence and becoming 'spoiled' that they can't see that there are other ways to approach childcare.

Really ignore her if she tries to usher you upstairs to feed.

And good luck to you. AP can be hard work sometimes. I did come to resent the ages I spent in the dark lying in bed feeding my 18 month old to sleep for an hour a time about 5 times a night!

My mother did giggle at DH when she heard he was still slinging her (we never bought a pram or stroller) at over 2 years old for naps.

I didn't do AP to the letter, and I sadly had to eventually mixed feed and then FF fully after 2 months, but we co slept and DS was constantly cuddled, put in a sling while I pottered about the house. My own mother was very supportive, practical and gentle when I had to send her out to buy bottles. DS was screaming with hunger, my milk was insufficient.

On the other hand the woman I'm glad is not my MIL was on the phone to my mum as soon as I got home from hospital telling her I should give up breastfeeding so she could give him a bottle. I wasn't being fair on other people apparently! I made sure she never got the opportunity to feed my son. They also raised concerns that my son was developmentally delayed because he didn't cry a lot and was too content! The children in their family were left to cry it out for long periods of time.

I watched a program called Bringing Up Baby where one of the "experts" had the mum leaving the baby out in the garden in his pram for an hour every day. A lot of old ladies I met when I was pregnant mentioned this. It's what they were taught to do in their day. Your MIL is being really critical, but maybe that's what they taught her to do when she had her children, so AP must be strange to her.

I think that generation had a very peculiar attitude to babies and children and they definitely see what we do as a criticism, or worse, holding up a mirror to their inadequcies and sometimes downright cruelty.
Before I had children my parents used to love to tell the 'hilarious' story about how when I got upset they would put me in my cot with the door shut until I stopped crying and said 'all better now' or something. I notice they have now stopped telling this story.
I was shocked when my mother said when I went to pick up my crying one week old baby 'would you not make her wait a bit?' I mean why, why, why? You wouldn't make an adult wait just for the sake of it. My mother was very supportive of my breastfeeding, but not exclusively - she felt I should be giving a bottle as well, although apparently the reason I was able to breadfeed for so long was because of how well 'nourished' (hate that word) I was as a baby (not breastfed though) In general she has been very helpful but she recently called my three year old 'manipulative' and I am still seething. It's like they think of them as creatures that need to be trained rather than little vulnerable people.

I would agree with the advice of others here - keep your distance and ignore the comments as best you can. Also agree that there is very little point in explaining what you are doing because the contrast with what she did is so huge, she will only see it as a criticism and there probably is some underlying guilt and regret there.

Wait til you get the guilt trip about not giving one year olds sweets: 'what, not even one Smartie?' [tragic face]

Oh god cornflour - my X-MIL was trying to give DS custard at his first Christmas when he was 2 months old! The dummy she'd dipped in it was halfway across the room to his mouth before I intervened! Then she looked at me all disappointed and said "Ooh you are strict. Mine had everything! Used to put whisky in their bottles of a night, get them to sleep!"

With mine it was brandy.
I was weaned at six weeks though!!!

I will quote my mothr when PG with my first....

"you don't spoil babies, they need to know who is in charge and get them in a routine from the first day"

"I remember the midwives telling me when I left the hospital that I must feed (bottle of course) your brother and you every 2-3 hours at first, I thought yeh right so I just got all the milk into you throughout the day then if you woke up between midnight and 6am Id give you sugar and water - you both soon learned. I had both of you sleeping through by 2 weeks".

Wonderful - thanks mum!

I too got all that crap with my DS. It wore me down and by 5 months of trying to feed a refluxy baby and struggling to their raised eyebrows I gave up.
She was uber smug telling me "see, how much easier is that"

Im still feeding my 1 yr old DD (also with reflux) with both fingers up.

Don't wait until your second to learn this. Do it now.

Fck you and your crap parenting ways, im doing it my way - and you leave the room if you don't want to see how to feed a baby. - That's your new mantra ok !

My brother and I have 5.5 years between us - I made us sound like twins!

I don't think you can win, my MIL told me my formula fed child was having too many bottles, I had to read her the guidelines for the formula he was on down the phone to her.

She argued back quoting from her own record of how much she fed dh 30 years previous I told her I would drop ds round, she could look after him for a week and bring him back when he was on what she considered the "correct" amount of feed, my god did she back down.

I did AP with ds2 mainly by accident, he had severe reflux so slept upright on me till he was 1, but I had a very supportive dh and mum. I carried him in a sling a lot, and couldn't let him cry as if he got upset he refluxed and then screamed in agony. I loved the AP stuff, he only ever slept in his cot at night, he slept in bed with me in the day once his reflux calmed down. He is now 4!

My response to your MIL is "I am doing what I feel is right for my child, just as you did what you felt was right(insert number) years ago for your child" if she keeps on ask her how she would have felt if her MIL had kept questioning her parenting.

Keep the Christmas visit short, do not be bullied into changing the way you parent.

My pet phrase with my mother-in-law is always, "well, you [did X] your way. This is my [X], and I will do it mine." Sweet smile. Works on wedding plans, babies and interior decor. Another great phrase I got from someone on here was, "that was very rude. Did you mean it to be?"

Intervene if she tries to take the baby from you when a feed is due. Just say you want him back - this minute. It used to upset me a lot when people did that. My son was hungry, why in the world try to stave that off? My mother was OBSESSED by getting him to eat more than he wanted at a feed, and then trying to distract him before the next, so as to stretch the gap out. It drove me crackers - why do that to a baby with a tummy the size of a walnut?

They were told all that rubbish about spoiling babies (along with dire warnings of the consequences) by holding them and feeding on demand, and letting them 'exercise their little lungs' by crying for long stretches, and routine was their god. Desmond Morris here on the influence of John B. Watson Back in the day of our mothers and their mothers, women were a lot more bully-able by the godlike 'experts' and many are still so out of touch with their instincts that they wish to inflict it on their grandchildren or great grandchildren.

CornflowerB and mathanxiety, love what you've both said. I think to advocate a different approach to theirs would be opening up a can of worms for them emotionally - we all want to think we did the right thing by our kids.

This generation of grandmothers really did have the white coat syndrome, I had a massive falling out with my mother about it during last pregnancy. I ended up writing her a long letter quoting all the stats I could find about the safety of home births (sorry, a bit off topic - same issue in a way though) because she wouldn't listen to me. She STILL said the consultants would know best. Everything I had said to me by the white coats during the pregnancy was wrong, only my midwife admitted that afterwards. But my mother thought all those working at the hospital knew better than I did, and that I should shut up because I might learn something.

SOMEHOW I found the sense not to bother mentioning it to her afterwards, though I really was longing to be right.

Mathanxiety, you are so right. My mil was against me feeding dd so often in the first couple of weeks, kept saying she was "pretending to be hungry" and physically tried to take her away from me (I was exhausted and tearful during a painful cluster feeding session) - I had to insist that she and hungry and refuse to let her go! When she latched on hungrily I said "see she IS hungry", finally got her to listen when I explained about cluster feeding and she said sadly "maybe dh was hungry after all". Turns out she had strictly adhered to the 4 hourly feeds (she bf) that the mw had told her to do. My dh was always told he was a very difficult baby who wouldn't sleep - not surprising if he was constantly hungry and walked about between feeds! She said that by the time her second came, they weren't told to wait 4 hours and she was really cross because she did that for her first (and obviously had a difficult time). I just couldn't understand why she didn't ignore the instructions, but as math said, it was a different culture.

Oh Matilda, I went through the homebirth planning critique too. I never had to write a letter, I just told her that statistically it was safer, so there! She managed to hide her "i told you so" relatively well when we had to transfer for a emcs, but I was very sure to present to to her right; DS was trying to come out ear first, and would have been born surgically whether I had laboured at home or at hospital. Actually I think that is a point, I always present stuff from the angle that demonstrates me being right, to save having to justify myself.

Same experiences as you really. Have also fed on cue, co-slept (and still do) etc. Mum also used to give her 'feedback' about my parenting style and at first I would try to reason with her and explain why I do things but I pretty soon got bored with it. I just ended up ignoring her comments and cut her short, making it clear it wasn't up for discussion anymore. She would then try to talk about it with my sister who also told her to leave me alone as I probably knew what I was doing.

Fastword second child who is now nearly 2 and still sleeps in bed with me. She doesn't even bother asking anymore as she can see how well child 1 turned out.

So my advice, have a lovely xmas but make it clear from the beginning that you will not enter any discussions about your parenting style and that is the end of it. Harsh but sometimes it has to be done. Then continue with everything that you are doing! Have a good one!

White coat syndrome is a very good name for it, Matildarosepink.

My mum recalled to me how her doctor used to pinch her at her prenatal checkups to see how much weight she was gaining beyond what was allowed, or so he claimed, and so she believed... When she gained no more than could be accounted for by the baby and amniotic fluid, and found she was too worn out by the pregnancy and horrible nausea to breastfeed when my two sisters were born, she felt terrible. Her mother pooh-poohed the doctor's four-hour feeding advice when I was born (granny lived all her life on a farm in Ireland, delivered all her babies at home attended by the midwife, breastfed them all, and hadn't heard the latest fashionable advice on baby and childcare) or I might not have made it to my first birthday...

Mum was a big supporter of my efforts at breastfeeding -- but I don't think she ever saw the big picture or wants to admit how little the medical establishment knew or cared about her and women in general back then (although I suspect that doctor of hers knew very well what he was doing). To this day she is shocked when she reads about any doctor being sued for malpractice.

I don't want to point it all out for her, or beat her over the head with it, because I think she went through enough and managed to cope, albeit with many regrets. However, I think a lot of what women were put through in the name of maternity care actually damaged them.

I know it hard, but ignore her. You are doing something completely different than her and it probably burns her ass a little.

DH and I co-slept with DD every night till 9 months, then she slept in her crib for naps and at night next to our bed till 12 months, then we moved her into her room and when she woke for 2 am feed, I fed her on the couch and popped her back in bed and at the 5am-ish feed, brought her back to bed till we got up. At 15 months, she slept through the night, well, as much as they do because she'll wake is she's kicked off her blankets, dreamed etc. We put her into a big girl bed at 20 months and really, its been bliss. I BF her till then as well, and always popped her on the boob when she fussed remotely near feeding time before she started solids. After it was before sleeps. I tried the whole let them cry bit, but it unsettled me and hence it does unsettle them. New studies show that the let them cry method is physically and mentally damaging. Babies innately need to be with their mothers. Its not in our genes to be left to cry; we wouldn't have survived as a species. Cultures that 'coddle/spoil' babies have amazing family values and bonds. My DD is amazing and loving and darling, not just coming from me, I know I'm biased, but hearing it from others makes me realize that I did what was best for me and baby. Happy mom, happy family.

The fact that she is gossiping with people about it is unfortunate. I just thank goodness my mother lives 3000km away and we're estranged; she'd likely have smacked her every time she cried because that was what she thinks will stop a child from crying.

I was born in 1980 and I have the complete opposite thing with my mum and MIL. My mum had four kids and did AP with all of us (although they didn?t call it that then) all breastfeed till around a year old, co-slept till we were at least 2 and my mum even used a sling. My MIL remembers going into hospital when my BIL was a few months old and she insisted on bringing my BIL in with her so she could carry on BF.

Me? I went down the GF route and the only slight criticism I have had from either of them was when I introduced a dummy (I did BF but only for a few weeks) they have both been very supportive even though we have completely different parenting approaches. My mum has said a few times that there?s no way she could have coped doing GF but she hasn?t ever said that in a critical way and was musing on our different personalities more than anything. My MIL has used the word contented to describe my son on a number of occasions and is happy to go along with his routine.

Perhaps AP parents make better grandparents or something